Aa
how to get over it
Short history, married 35 yrs, 30 yrs ago husband stopped giving oral,he hated it.I had affair ,it ended 4 yrs ago.I found out he had affair 2yrs after me. What hurts is i asked ,through crying if he had given her oral, to which he replied yes ,twice.This happened in our home when i was out.He says she pulled his head down on both occasions and it was very brief.How do i get over this. He says she didnt get the chance to enjoy it because it was brief, so he was surprised she wanted it again the next time they met.This happened before he tried to have intercourse ,which on both occasions he did not manage. I know this to be true because the OW was the one who phoned me to tell me of affair.She said their relationship was more about being friends than sex.
My thoughts exactly, she didnt make him do anything he didnt want to, but according to him the affair was a novelty.I must also add i am the one who always initiates sex, always have. He is not that passionate of a lover ,even after all these yrs i still have to tell him what i want, he is 1 of these men who likes to forget foreplay and just get it over with,it has always been frustrating.His reluctance to talk does not help, he thinks it was no big deal and i should just get over it and move on.He even asked me why was i upset because of the oral sex issue, because that was no big deal either. He says he put no effort into it so he thinks that doesnt count.
Have your kids moved out of the house lately? You said you have been married 35 years so I am assuming your kids are older. Sometimes that in itself can cause a couple to start having serious issues with their marriage. Many times people put their marriages on the back burners when they raise kids, then when the kids grow and leave the marriage falls apart.
i'm sorry to say that all of that "she wanted him to do this...she wanted him to do that" sounds like a load of **** to me. your husband has a brain of his own....little as it may be. he can make his own decisions and he can certaintly say no. i'm not so sure about the oral thing, but, everything else he did for this woman, he did because he wanted to. we are all concious people who make concious decisions. she wan't holding a gun to his head. it sounds to me like you and your husband have lost all connection with eachother, whether it be from the affairs, or other issues. of course whenever your husband doesn't do something for you, then does anything for anyone else (i.e., the medication) it makes us feel sad. because we are the wives and we should come first. but i think this is the least of your problems. a bigger problem is your relationship as a whole and what it will become. if i were you, i would really try and focus on that. if he won't go to counseling and counseling didn't help you, maybe you need to sit down and just lay it all out on the table. this situatoin will only get worse if its not dealt with. why do either of you want to be miserable? if you will both be happier apart, than so be it, but try everything you can to make it work first. it doesn't sound to me like either of you are trying.
Thanks for replying.It helps me get it off my chest. counselling didnt work for me,he wouldnt come to that either.
This is an example of me wanting him to do something for me.He used to drive a taxi for extra cash, then 4 yrs ago after my affair was over i had an hysterectomy and asked him to stay home the night i came out of hospital ,he refused saying we needed the money,which we didnt.Then 1 night abt 8 yrs ago i asked him to get some medicine for our daughter when he was out on his taxi run, he said he wouldnt have time, so imagine how i felt the next morning when the people he taxis for thanked him for picking their daughters medicine up .I often wonder why i am here with him.Suppose i am scared of being on my own.
He says ,i dont know why i did it , i just did.He also says he wasnt that bothered about having sex, it was only because she asked. Then why wait for her coming to the house.Why was he so concerned about pleasing her, when he didnt want to.He told her he loved her ,because he says thats what she wanted to hear, he took her to work because she asked him ,he used to meet her down the street because she wanted him to.She also brought her daughter who is 21 along sometimes.Why was he so concerned about what she wanted, when he never seemed to care about what i wanted.
sorry. typing way too fast. but up there i meant "i understand why you're upset - he never would do it for you, but did it for HER".
so you and your husband are still together i take it? i don't know if WHAT he dis with her is what you should be focusing on. i think more than anything, if you are still with him, you should be focusing on moving on. you will never get past this if you allow it to cosume you. i understand why it upsets you. he never would do it for you, but did it for you and im not defending him in any way when i say this but, i don't think a man's brain operates in that way, i mean, i'm sure all he was thinking about at the time was the sexual act as whole, the release, in the moment. much like the way a person isn't thinking about the consequences of the act during the act. when a person cheats, they are rarely ever thinking, "oh my god what am i doing" while they're doing it. they usually think "oh my god what have i done" after its over. so, imo, unless he did know that you had cheated when he cheated on you and was doing it out of spite, i would bet he didn't even realize what he was doing and whether or not it was something he does with you. he was just having sex and it was just physical. either way, what both of you did was wrong. you've been together for a long time. how do you both move forward after such a tumultuous relationship?
Yes he did know. The thing is ,he says he didnt want to do it ,he just did. Then the second time he thought ,not this again,so why did he carry on.If he had not told her when i was going out ,she would not have known when to come to the house.He says i didnt think she would want it again ,so i thought i will do it just to get her out of the house .why would he take the chance of her not wanting it again, knowing he didnt want to do it.
Did he know about your cheating before he did this with the other woman? Just wonderin if he knew because then he possibly did it just to get back at you.
Well i could say fair enough, he was getting his own back.But when i have tried for yrs to get him to do it for me ,why would he want to tolerate it ,(his words) for her.He also asked me why i was upset about it as it was over in seconds.Am i wrong to feel as if he loved her enough to do it ,but not enough for me.
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