is it bad to want to smack my brother?

[chellybeans]

okay, i really need help. my little brother who is ten years younger than me has recently came to live with my boyfriend and myself. i had not seen him in 7-8 years(since the death of our mother) he has a different father and lived with him. the after death time in our family was very nasty and i ultimately moved away from the whole situation when i realized the cycle would not end. well a few months ago i found my brother on myspace and we started chatting. turns out he just got his trust(moms death) and his father was demanding half as an " i raised you tax". after alot of talking he asked if he could come to stay with me until he got in college. he is fresh out of boot camp. what i found out later after he got to me was that he was in not the actual military boot camp, but the boot camp they put bad kids in. he never graduated high school and failed the GED test. he showed up to me with a car, registered in his dads name, two pairs of ragged pants and two shirts. period. later i found out he had a hit and run on his record so his insurance was 600 a month, he had not touched his trust yet and wanted a part time job at the mall. i took him there to put in applications. he put in one at the one store he wanted to work at. i laid down ground rules...very simple ones

[happybaby23]

Have you talked to his father?  There may be more to the story than your brother was telling you.  

I agree that your main concern needs to be your baby.  I know you want to help your brother, but he may be more then you can handle.  He definately needs some counseling not to mention and education and a job.  Unfortunately you can't make him want these things.  He is going to have to want them for himself and right now he is young, stupid, and has a lot of money.  That's a bad combination!   He is not the type of person you want around your child right now.

I think if you haven't already done so you should talk to his father and see what he has to say.  Express your concerns to him and see if he may be willing to step up and do the job he should've done from the start.

[pertykitty]

he is an adult now. he needs to get his a ss moving. how much money was left to him? he for sure needs to take responsibility for himself. id make him pay for your furniture his friends wrote on. and id give him a move out date. curphew and a bill at the end of the week if he doesnt do as you ask.

[Haremiliana]

You've done what any good sister would have done it's time that you should make him realize that. Bravo for being such a good Sister, I wish I could have one like YOU  :)

[chellybeans]

thanks ladies. maybe i shall just throttle him and move on. lol

[chellybeans]

the sad thing is we set the trust up for him to get when he turned 18. he has more than enough as in well over 6 figures in the bank to just go crazy with. he has not touched it yet. i told him it should pay for college a car and a home, it just doesn't seem to register. so he told me he already got his passport and planned this trip months ago. i have a horrible feeling he will go there and be flashing money around and get hurt. but even with this protective inclanation i want to push him out the nest and force a reality check on him. boy is this a mess

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You  have no reason to feel guilty.  You are not his parent.  His father is the one who had failed here.

If he was in boot camp he may not be allowed to leave the country....  boot camp is a form of juvie....

Put your family first, this baby is your number one priority,  And I agree, if he goes to Mexico, don't let him back in the house.  What biz does an umemployed kid have taking a vacation?

[chellybeans]

i had no idea that boot camp would have restrictions on him. it was not military. he's not enlisted it was a behavioral modification thing is what i am told. i feels so sad but i am at my breaking point. he has only been with me since 2/17 too! i just don't know if i can go through a high risk pregnancy with the added stress of a delinquent.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Too bad the trust wasn't designated.  My will says it is for education.  They get the rest at age 25 and 30.  \

Mexico is not a safe place, lots of drugs and unsavoury characters, I hope he is okay down there.

He still needs a job.

[slow_healer]

chellybeans, it can be the hardest thing in the world to watch the people you care about do poorly. But it sounds like your brother is not old/mature enough to really learn yet. You could talk to him until you're blue in the face and it won't change anything.

It's hard to resist that urge to help family when they're not doing well. But I have found that putting your foot down and drawing a line (i.e. "stop bringing your problems to me - I am not here to fix them") can be very effective over time. All we want is for our family is to be happy. Yet if they choose not to be or to remain dysfunctional, that is THEIR choice. You've already made the choice to support them (as any caring and honorable family member would do). Now it's time to change your strategy. Do what's best for your new family. Don't let these old family problems become new family problems. And if your brother (and his father) resent/hate you for it... too bad.

About the money. Close that door and don't look back. The more you think about it, the more energy you're wasting. Your brother has to make these choices for himself - not you.

And if your landlord responds to the noise complaint, explain you had a guest who turned out to be unruly. They're not welcome back and it won't happen again. Sorry for any inconvenience. I think that's the best you can do. Don't let this stress control you any more than it already has. Good luck!

[jd1419]

I would tell him that if he goes to Mexico with his friends not to bother coming back--he can find another place to live.  Also, if he does stick around he needs to contribute to the household income such as paying part of the rent, food and utility bills.
Lay it out for him--until he can act like a grown up, he will be treated like a child--check with his release from boot camp if he may have some restrictions he needs to follow such as schooling or a job or he could fined himself put into jail--let him know the consequesnces--

I hope you the best on beating the flu---but your brother also needs a "good swift kick in the A$$."

[chellybeans]

thanks, i really was worried that I was overreacting. i feel a little guilt because i was not there for him in those formative teen years and he just did not have a female authority figure. i think my guilt is why i keep trying to fix him but he just doesn't seem to have the desire to fix himself. gah!!!

when i go home from work today i think i am going to have a sit down talk with him about responsibility, respect and adulthood, present him his options with no exceptions and have him decide what he is going to do. i want him to understand not only he is susceptable to the consequences of his whims but everyone in our home and that he is seriously jeopardizing his own future. i gave him three weeks to find a job and he told me that would not work since he was going on vacation to mexico with his friends in 2 weeks.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

This boy is in serious trouble.  He was damaged when he came into your care.  He needs structure and a great deal of counselling.  He may be more than you can handle right now.  I give you huge credit for trying.  I would try counselling and if he is unable to adapt, send him back to his dad.  

You are a wonderful sister, but you should not continue to let this young man take advantage of you.

I hope your brother is able to turn his life around.

And I feel like smackin him too!  (lol)

[chellybeans]

such as - no one in my house while i am at work  - clean your room   - do your own dishes  - hang your towel up to dry  - take trash out twice a week  - get a job or register for school.
he has not gotten a job, i have told him a dozen times to go put applications in. he goes insteadto hang outat the mall all the time with high school dropouts. his room is semi neat. he never takes inititave to do any cleaning and brought two kids in my house one day while i was at work. i found out because they wrote their names on my furniture! i tried talking to him calmly, he said oh, i'm sorry i'll be better...but never is.i wrote a letter and stuck it on his bedroom mirror with my expectations. it's still there. he will eat and drink us out of house and home. as in 4 2 liters of soda in a day. i know it seems petty but that adds up and coming home from work to empty cabinets really sucks. i have never had to grocery shop three times a week till now. he constantly asks me or my s/o to buy things for him and still does all these things!

now...last night...we just got our locks changed(yesterday) and have not gotten him a copy. he left the house at 9 saying he was going to put in applications. i waited up till  midnight to let him in. he showed up at 3 am pounding on the door to be let in. i have nosy neighbors who love to complain to the apartment manager over loud noises so i am sure i will hear about that one. now i have to be up to work at 6 am so three hours of sleep for me. oh and did i mention i am 6 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage 3 months ago at 12 weeks? which we have mad him well aware of. and my boyfriend and i are both battling the flu now so we really needed that rest. anyways...am i irritaional or is he an a$$? i don't feel like he plans to contribute at all, but more like he is trying to see how much he can get away with. when i left for work this morning i told him.i did not think this was working out and he possibly needed to go back to his dads.

help!!! please.