my husband is watching gay porn -

[303030h]

This is a diffiuclt question because we all have different ideas on what is "normal" when it comes to sex etc but I feel very confused and just want to talk to someone about this, even better would be to hear from other women who are going through the same thing.

I apologise in advance if my story is long but I want to try and get all the facts across.  About 18 months ago I came across a gay porn video (2 men having intercourse).  My first reaction was that maybe it was my eldest son being curious (he was about 17 at the time) so I deleted it.  I told my husband about it and he agreed with me that perhaps it was just curiosity of our son.  I didn't come across anymore until 6 months later.

6 months later I was looking through the history on our computer to find a link I had gone on a few days previously and came across a page of links to a porn site and the date and time showed that it couldn't be my son.  I was a little annoyed I admit but I've always been open minded when it comes to porn.  That was until I saw that a lot of the links were to gay porn.  I felt sick, I was shocked.  There were so many "hits" it was obvious it wasn't a one off curiosity stop and I also realised that perhaps what I'd found 6 months previous was not my son afterall but my husband and he'd let me think it was our son.  When I challenged him about it he insisted that he hadn't been looking but that he'd been flicking through a porn site and that he hadn't actually viewed them.  I wasn't sure and therefore didn't feel I could challenge him further.

Now some of you may disagree with my next move but I needed to be sure of my facts so I installed a web programme that recorded everything that went on.  For a long while he was just visiting what are "normal" porn sites - you know man and woman, plain old ordinary sex.  I began to relax and considered removing the programme.  Then about 4 months ago there was a change in pattern, he was looking at gay porn again.  I can see exactly what he's been watching and for how long.  He also watches a lot of anal sex - now whatever floats your boat, not my cup of tea.

What concerns me though is why is he watching men with men - oh and he also goes on photography sites and searches for gay pictures.  Is he bisexual but too afraid to tell me, is he too afraid to admit him to himself.  I've seen no evidence of him contacting other gay men and it seems it is purely voyeuristic.  As I've tried twice already to talk to him about it and he's denied it point blank I don't know what else to do.

Please feel free to ask me any questions.  I really do want to understand this.  I love him to bits and have been married over 20 years with 3 children but I feel now that I don't know him as well as I thought.

[Vance2335]

This is from 2010 the poster is not around anymore

[cat252525]

Please follow up. what was your course of action and where are you now in your relationship / marriage ?

[specialmom]

Well, this is really hard and contemplating what answers you could get is scary.  You have a lot to think about and we are always here to help!  Best wishes.

[303030h]

Yes you are making perfect sense.  I suppose I'm holding back because I'm scared of the consequences, I mean if he turns round and says that yes actually he does like men then that's it really, I couldn't stay with him and that would be a huge impact on my children.  I'm considering just dealing with it in my own head until they are older and then leaving but then I'm not sure that I can actually live like that for the next 5 or more years.

I've tried talking to him many times over the years about various issues and he clams up, refuses to talk.  He uses passive aggressive methods and I end up giving in and burying things under the carpet.

I know what you're saying and I agree but putting it into practice is a whole other ball game.  I'm going to have to do some serious thinking and work out a way of approaching this without it being seen as an attack and definitely not bring up the whole gay/bi issue at the beginning.  

[specialmom]

Well, it sounds like you have some marital issues overall then.  I think you should take this seriously or resign yourself to living this way from here on out.  

Those who resist counseling always make me wonder.  Why?  They may not take it seriously but if they are committed to their partner that does.  When our significant others experesses unhappiness or great unease in our relationship--------  the spouse should be willing to work on this or resolve it.  I think that you may have to force this issue or again, resolve yourself to live with it.  

How do you force the issue?  Well you have to see this as a serious problem that must be resolved and be willing to take action if he won't work on it.  Are you willing to take action?  I'd like you to be in a relationship that has emotional and physical intimacy.  That may be hard if he is gay/bisexual for sure.  But even if he is not, your relationship is lacking and could be much better.  I'd focus on that aspect as he will be resistent to you saying he needs therapy because he may be gay.  Work on improving things between you two and the marriage rather than telling him he has the problem.  Does that make sense?  

[303030h]

Hi specialmom, when I say we have a healthy sex life I should perhaps clarify, in the past year it has always been me that has had to initiate sex, prior to that we would often go 3 months or more without having any physical contact at all.  I'm sure that if I hadn't been initiating it then we would still be going 3 months or more.

He watches porn about twice a week, he rarely gets chance to have uninterrupted access to the computer and spends around half an hour to an hour each time.  

He won't see a counsellor, I've suggested it in the past and he refused point blank - this was before I ever had any suspicions of him being gay/bisexual.

I'm not sure he would ever act out his fantasy because he is a very quiet and shy man and believe it or not he never goes out but I suppose I should never say never.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Okay, you've said that your relationship is good and you have a healthy sex life with him.  This is good news!  You don't want to break up with him but you want to understand what his urge and lack of control over viewing gay porn is all about.

Time to sit him down and talk.  First, the need to visit any porn that often is a bit of a problem.  Sexual addiction comes to mind.  Sex is a wonderful thing but it is not suppose to be our main hobby in terms of porn when we've got work, family and home to take care of.  If it were straight porn that often-------- I'd tell you that he has an issue with it.  

I think you start there and tell him that you are uncomfortable with his porn intake.  Tell him that you would like to see a couples counselor and it is to save your marriage.  Isn't it?  And what you are addressing is his obsession with porn and various favored sites.  If he balks at that after some time then the  problem is very big.  That means he is valuing it over the relationship and then you insist even more that counseling happen because the problem is deeper than it even appears now.  

Good luck

[Vance2335]

Tough spot with no good way to handle this. If he is bisexual or even gay who is to say that he will not act on it someday? If he is not bisexual or gay maybe he is just looking to look at something different or maybe because he thinks about 3-somes with you and another man?? Who knows but it is something that should be talked about with him.

You have to make sure to approach the subject with kid gloves and without judgement. Be supportitive and loving, this might let him open up. You can not come at him hard or pointing fingers or being disgusted about it because then you will not find out anything. Be honest with him and hope that he is honest with you. Even tell him that you have fantasied about being with another woman (even if you have not it might give him something to relate to).

[303030h]

Thank you so miuch for responding.  I feel so very alone with this as I don't feel I can talk to my friends about it.  The last time we talked about it we did separate for a while, mainly because I was so shocked I couldn't even look at him.  Before we got back together I told him that I have no problem with him watching porn but that I did have concerns with regard to the gay porn and he assured me that it was a curiosity thing and nothing more, that he wasn't turned on by it etc etc.  We discussed our sexual relationship and made more of an effort with each other as things had become mundane in that department and i wondered if that was why he was doing what he was doing.

However despite the fact that we have regular sex now he is still jumping on the computer the minute he gets the house to himself and watches gay porn and looks at pictures of naked men and I just don't get it.  I've also noticed that when he's been doing this he is really off with me, snappy and snarly.

I don't want to break up with him but then I feel that he isn't being completely honest about his sexual preferences and if he's not being honest with himself then how can he be honest with me.  Part of me thinks I should just leave be and that as long as he doesn't take it any further to just ignore it but then again it is eating me up inside.  

Thank you again

[jrobertson20]

Wow that is a lot for you to deal with.  Sorry you have to go through this.  If he is not admitting to it then I would tell him you have the evidence and tell him about the program so he has proof that you know what you are talking about.  You deserve to know the truth.  Keep asking him about it even though he denied it.  I honestly don't know why a man would be watching gay porn if there wasn't something he liked about it.  It's not fair to you to be keeping this secret.  Sit down and talk to him.  He may not tell you the truth but keep on him.  So sorry you have to deal with this.