feel lost

[melwad]

What would most women do my boyfriend has been really secretive about his phone but always goes on mine nothing sexuall has happened for a while not my choice by the way but when I finally look at his phone its full of porn sites on his history he says he hasn't been looking at them hes put them on to test me ?????

[melwad]

Thank you evwryone for your advice im now on a break from him till I make my mind up

[ROSYouralright]

When someone is lying about one thing ,IMO, they will lie about anything & everything! YOU really deserve better! This isn't about YOU it's about HIM. HE'S shady & needs to grow up. It's not a reflection of you.

[Londres70]

Agree with NG.

How long have you two been together?

Is this the proper example for your sons.........a man addicted to porn and lying to you about it?  He could be hiding other things from you as well.  I am not sure what you mean by he is "good" with the boys, but your boys shouldn't be witnessing a situation where their mother is being lied to by a man.  May I ask where is their father?

If he can't come clean and insists on lying then I am not sure what you can do other than stay and accept this (which I wouldn't recommend) or leave him.  If he came clean, admitted this was a problem and was willing to seek counseling than that would be ideal, but he isn't.  

Take the break.....think about it and then deal with this.  You definitely need boundaries in place with him and he has to be willing to work on this issue as well BEFORE CONSIDERING any marriage.  Tell him the wedding is on hold and you need time to sort this out.

"......I just keep thinking why am I not enough"...............It's not YOU; it's him.  Don't internalize this and think that you're the problem.  

[melwad]

I was on my own with them for 3 yrs and finally let someone into our lifes and I feel so let down I just keep thinking why am I not enough

[melwad]

No hes mot hun hes very good with the boys so I dont want to let them down

[CRSeaside]

I know this is hard for you. Is he the father of your boys?  Unless you have a lot invested in him, there are so many decent loving men to be in a relationship with. Really. If your sex life is no good now, what about 30 yrs from now?  Run. Run. Run away.  Pamela

[melwad]

No hun I keep asking him just to be honest with me and all he keeps saying theyve been there for ages but he only got his phone back 3wks ago because it broke and the memory was wiped clean he thinks im stupid

[ROSYouralright]

I think that is for the best.. If your having these problems now a marriage won't fix them.. It will make them WORSE actually.. Much harder to leave after you say your vows. Have you considered couples counseling?

[melwad]

Thank you very much for your advice he still claims its me and not hom so ive told him I need a break

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with Rosy, that explanation is hogwash.  It wasn't a "test" at all, and EVEN if it was, it's a crappy weird thing to do, download porn and sit and wait until your GF finds it so you can state your innocence?  Come on, that's silly!  If he TRULY hasn't done anything that you would be upset about and you were having trust issues, THAT wouldn't be the way for him to gain your trust.  Instead, you would expect an innocent and reasonable person to open themselves up and allow the GF access to his phone at any time.  THAT would prove his innocence, not this nonsense.

I'll tell you one thing, I would NOT move forward with your wedding plans until these issues are addressed.  Going into a marriage with this kind of distrust and possible dishonesty is just not a good thing.

I would tell him that whether he likes it or not, alarm bells are going off for you that something isn't right...because of a combination of his secrecy, the porn on his phone, and the changes in his sexual appetite.  I would tell him that in order to feel more at ease, that you need more transparency, with his phone, emails, etc.  If he throws a fit and gets self righteous that you're violating his privacy, then you kind of have your answer, IMO.  He would be justified in maybe feeling a little annoyed, but considering the facts, it's a reasonable request.

Good luck to you.

[melwad]

I have tried talking till im blue in the face he just storms out and says its me we booked our wedding a few wks ago I can't see it happening when its my days off and the boys are at school I try things that I know he likes and he doesnt want to know then all he says is hes not lying hes never been so honest with anybody ????

[ROSYouralright]

He didn't put them on there to test you! They are on there because he's been watching porn. If it's taking away from you & the relationship, their IS a problem. Sit him down & tell him how you feel. If he persists on lying tell him bye. Trust is everything.

[ROSYouralright]

He's lying. End of story.