pregnancy so early in a relationship

[StephC91]

So..... I've been with gorgeous partner for 6 months. We love each other, we want kids in the near future. The thing is, we are having a bit of financial trouble. Since being with my fella he's had nothing but bad luck after his 2 previous relationships failed. His ex of 7yrs has left him in so much debt that im having to help bring him back in the plus. I want to be a mother so badly but im scared that with our financial situation its not gonna happen. Im scared that a baby could push us away not bring us together.Please help!!!

[remar]

I think it may boil down to this. The young woman that posted this question is actually questioning herself. If you're truly sure about a very serious life decision and completely prepared for it then you will not come to website asking for advice. In my opinion she is not sure about any of this and is not ready. But, everyone here has tried their best to give her the best advice and at the end of the day she's going to do what she wants. It makes me sad and frustrated that people will just get pregnant without being fully prepared. It happens all the time and to me it's a selfish thing to do. We're talking about a baby here, a human being that deserves every chance to have a healthy, happy and structured life with two loving parents. This is not a puppy you can take give back if things don't work out.
Anyway, I do agree with Specialmom. If someone comes here looking for advice and they get advice they don't want to hear from people that have experience then there is nothing more you can do.  

[specialmom]

I'm just not seeing any point in arguing with this young lady.  She's clearly made up her mind.  

I do think Remar asks a perfect question---  nursing certificate that one gets during the highschool years is not a career in the making. Not trying to be rude but secondary education or job training that is substantial is really important to one's future.  Sure, it all seems great now.  But if something happens ----  can you live on your own financially without the boyfriend or parents to support you?  

I'd NEVER have a baby until that was the case.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

You said it again......
"my Partner and I have been talking about becoming Parents for quite a while now"

I'll say it again.........
6 months is N O T "quite a while" - 6 months of almost A N Y T H I N G is
N O T  "quite a while".  

EveryOne here feels simply that You are rushing this situation.  No One has said You ought not do it, rather EveryOne has suggested You should give this more time and EveryOne has offered very valid reasons for the advice.

One great sign of immaturity is to think One knows more than Those who have "been there, done that"

[remar]

I would recommend taking care of a family member or friends baby for a whole week. That means everything, taking the baby to daycare or taking a week off work if the baby does'nt go to daycare, changing diapers, feedings, getting up in the middle of the night. You said you really have no experience so here's a chance to get some of it before getting pregnant. See how you and your boyfriend do during this week. Will he help take care of the baby? Will all of it fall on you? You may think I'm crazy for suggesting this but I think if every young woman could experience this they would make sure they're with the right partner and have everything a baby needs. I know so many young women your age who or very stressed because the baby takes all of their time and the father either does not help or he ends up leaving. Can you please say why you're not willing to marry this man first and wait to see how the marriage goes before getting pregnant? I really would like to know your answer. There's nothing wrong with being a young mother. I was one myself. I was also married and my husband worked very hard for myself and our daughter. It was the hardest job I've ever had. Taking care of a baby is a job. Babies are babies and do not know how to give love. They take what they need and you and your partner must give that child what it needs. It is your responsibility to do so. You have gotten so much wonderful advice from the members here. We've lived through this and we know what it's like to take care of children along with a home, a husband and a job. No one here is telling you what to do with your life. We really are just trying to give you the best advice. I recommend being fully prepared. Have daycare in order if you're going to continue to work. Make sure your debt is paid off. And please take the time to really get to know your partner. If he leaves will you be able to take care of a baby on your own?

[StephC91]

Thanks to all for the advice. I do appreciate it and read all comments. Yes im young and I've never been a mother, so of course im inexperienced. Both my partner and I have been talking about becoming parents for quite a while now. I do study pregnancy and motherhood, I have even spoken to my mother who has said what a lot of you have said but is still kinda agreeing with me. Shes asked about marriage etc as well. We definitely do want kids, yes it's going to be scary but I guess if I dont try im never gonna learn and experience it. I dont want to be an older woman being pregnant. My mother had me when she was 29 and she would have loved to have had me a little earlier. I wanna be a young mum, just because a bub comes into the picture doesnt mean "alone time" with my partner has to stop and doesnt mean we cant go on holidays, it just means we have an extra with us. I have wanted to be a mother since I was in my early teens. Some of you commentors act like im 16 & pregnant.  Im a lot older and more maturer than that.  Also I went to year 10 and got my year 12 through doing my certificate in nursing.  Im in Australia not america guys

[nursegirl6572]

Great posts above, hopefully the OP will greatly appreciate being able to read those stories.


alaysha...I could have wrote a lot of your post!  My husband and I had only known one another a SHORT time (6 months) when I ended up pregnant with my daughter (while on the pill also).  I was 25 and he was 32, and it was SCARY!!!  I was petrified.  I too got the "trapping" comments, when like you, I was so scared, I had considered termination myself.  People just are clueless sometimes, aren't they?  I mean, I GOT where it was coming from, but it was silly, being that most people who knew me knew that kids were the furthest thing from my mind.  My then bf, now hubby and I discussed children, and we BOTH wanted no part of them (lol), at least not for a LONG time.  In a way, I think I got pregnant for that reason, because if it was left up to us, we would have never had kids.  We're blessed with our two and I NEVER dreamed motherhood could be something I would love so much.  Just the truth.

We'll be married 15 years this year (my daughter just turned 15 in June, we got married on the DAY she was 5 months old), and while it hasn't been perfect, it's worked.  I'll tell you though, MOST people thought we'd never make it as a couple.  Honestly, without my daughter in the picture, I actually feel I wouldn't have probably ended up with him, just because we're so different.  We made it work, definitely the love was there, he's awesome....but I would have loved for things to have happened differently.  Even if it was just dating for a while, then getting married and having kids.

You and I share a lot of similarities!  

[specialmom]

Thanks to those of you who shared your own very personal experience to help the poster.  good luck

[thatquietgirl]

Let me share something here.  My boyfriend and I are coming up on four years at the end of October.  Two months in, I first thought that I loved him.  But I waited until seven months in to tell him because of three reasons: 1) I wanted to be sure it was real and not solely just because I was caught up in the moment/beginning of the relationship infatuation, 2) I wanted to see if he would say it first (It's a scary thing to put yourself out there!), and 3) I needed to be emotionally prepared.  I told him.  He wasn't able to say he loved me.  It took him quite a while longer to be able to say it, but he would show me through his actions how he felt even though he wanted to be absolutely certain before telling me.  Things were really good.  We were living together (due to some circumstances at home last year) at his dad's (completely unideal) from December 2012 through June of this year.

We were together three years, eight months, and thirteen days before he broke up with me.  Two days after having spent a whole day serenading me and talking about marriage and kids.  Why?  Because of emotional issues.  Emotional issues he never shared despite how much we would talk and share things with each other.  Some, I knew, but I also couldn't help with until he was ready to address them (his mother's death, for instance).  He came to his senses three weeks later and we worked through things.  We're obviously still working through things.  But the thing is that it's a daily decision to love him and the same for him to love me.  Some days it's easy, and other days I have to combat fear because of his actions.  He's patient.

My point here is that you don't really know someone.  Ever.  You really don't.  And truthfully, you can talk and talk and talk and feel super close but not really know someone.  You only know them as far as they're willing to let you in.  You may have a good idea of who this guy is like I had for who my boyfriend is, but you can't know everything and it takes time to get to see enough facets to know for sure.  I'm not saying your boyfriend will ever do what mine did (and has been warned not to do again).  Things may continue going well, but what's the difference between waiting a year or two?  You said somewhere you're a nurse (No clue how you got through school that quickly, but kudos!).  You know you are nowhere near where the risk for down's syndrome and other things increases.  You have time.

In the early part of the relationship, we're all putting on a show for each other.  Yes, we're (usually, if you're with someone good) trying our best to be as real as possible, but we see each other through rose-colored glasses and don't want the other person to see the bad parts because we want them to see us the way we see them.

Yes, it sounds as though you've been through things in your six months.  This is GOOD.  Really, it is very good.  It's allowed you a glimpse of his determination level in setting things right financially hopefully without relying too much on you for help.  But you want some more glimpses into the man's way of handling problems than a financial issues and early-relationship problems before settling down and starting a family.  Has he seen you through a crisis of your own?  A real crisis--not just a bad day?  Have you seen him when he's mad?  Has he seen you when you're mad?  Have you had your arguments?  You want to know that foundation is absolutely solid before bringing in a stressor like a baby.

Don't get me wrong.  I love babies.  They're awesome.  I want one.  I really want one.  But I also know my boyfriend needs to find a job (he recently graduated) and I need to finish school and find work as a nurse before I really consider it.  Even after that, I want to have an emergency fund in place, no debts, and to be absolutely sure where things are going.  Why?  Because I know a baby adds a lot of stress to a relationship.  There's the monetary stress it can bring if the parents aren't prepared financially (debts already tighten finance enough), the loss of sleep leading to irritability which can cause distance in a relationship, the constant energy you both will need to have despite that lack of sleep to care for this child, the possibility that the other person might not pull their weight (or they do but the other person might need some other things done to feel the other is), the fact baby comes before either of your libidos or time you may want to spend together, etc.  All of these can lead to some real problems, and babies can sense emotions.  They can sense when things are off.

You're also going to potentially have some added stress while trying to conceive because of the PCOS and your uncertainty if you will be able to.  How do you handle stress?  Are you able to have open dialogue about this concern with him?  Does your boyfriend know about this possibility?  What has he said in regards to that, if it ends up you can't?  Have you come to terms with the possibility?  or are you just acknowledging it?  You need to be emotionally ready for that before you ever start trying.  That's not to say if it does happen that you can't(and I hope it doesn't!) that it won't still hurt, but you want to protect yourself from having to deal with as strong an emotional fall-out as you would if you hadn't dealt with it.

Now, ultimately, it is up to you when you choose to begin a family with this man.  I wouldn't recommend it--yet.  At the very least, I really suggest that all debts are settled on both your parts and some emergency money is set aside to sustain you for a three or so months in case of a job loss on either of your parts, an unexpected medical bill for an emergency, or some unforeseen economic issue in your personal life.  That way, rent, etc., can hopefully be met with minimal help at that time while you're getting back on your feet.  Maybe you already have these, but I'm honestly hoping you'll consider the other things.  Six months is not a long time.  You're still very early in the "in love" experience, which lasts roughly two years for many people.

I recommend discussing the situation with a family member, one whom you can trust but who has also been through raising children to some extent.  Be one hundred percent honest with them about his financial situation and your relationship.

Whatever you decide, I wish you, your boyfriend, and your future children all the best!

[alaysha]

Ok so I'll tell you my story. I met my husband in October of 2009. I was 22. We started a relationship on December 6th 2009 and on January 31st 2010 I found out I was pregnant. I had known him for 4 months and I was terrified of what would happen since I was on birth control and the baby wasn't planned. He wanted to keep it and so we did. My goodness if only things had played out differently. I love my husband and I love my daughter but it isn't just going to be the two of you in this relationships. You said you are helping him with his finances? He is 28 years old. If he was going to be financially responsible it would have happened before now. That really concerns me. My husband had a great job while I was pregnant and made great money and even then things are soooo expensive and once the baby is born its even more expensive. Not to mention now you add the extreme of families to your relationship and not all of them are going to view you getting pregnant so soon a good thing. I've heard numerous times that I tried to "trap my husband" by getting pregnant. Makes me laugh because I was the one that wanted an abortion. You'll have to take off a couples weeks after baby is born and that means less income. What if you have issues during pregnancy and are forced to be on bed rest? Can you afford it? I say work on your finances and be young for a little while because you will NOT get these days/years back. Save up your money and go on vacation somewhere exotic. Those things get put on hold once you have a family. I've seen so many relationships crash and burn because they wanted a baby and didn't realize how hard it really is. I'm amazed that my husband and I are still together. My goodness we have had a lot of growing up to do. We're still growing. Only now after almost 4 years do I even think our relationship is at an actually good place. Sad to say but it's true. I know my husband wants to have another baby and down the road I do too. But it is so much more important to me now that we have a solid strong relationship, excellent finances and can really be there and give the baby everything it needs and deserves. Keeping our first child was a selfish decision. I love her to death but we could have given a baby so much more love and a happier home if we had waited.

[luckymommy13]

A baby needs more than just 2 pairs that love him our her. Every one was trying to help not hurt you. 6 months us not enough time to know anyone. Hell 2 years ain't enough time. You asked got a reason and you got these angers for a reason. Don't let God shoe you the hard way. Try listening and stop taking it as somebody tryna tell you what to do especially when YOU asked. You may found that every ring us hit add it seem. You may find yourself raising a baby alone as it is very common and that's something you should consider seeing how you don't know him. Just facts!! LISTEN!!!

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto SM and Chima...and Chima, well said, SO true!  This is generation of entitlement and wanting everything NOW.  Like you said, a lot of that is a result of the technology and the fact that no one waits for anything.  It's a generation of impulsivity and the last thing a person should be impulsive about is having children, and sadly, so many are.  That's a decision that should be entered into after MUCH thought and not until the couple has solidified their OWN relationship, and hopefully planned for some things.

It saddens me to see SO many very very young people having multiple children before they're ever married, or before they're adults themselves.  It's become an epidemic IMO.  It's become so acceptable and it's sad, it's also why so many young people aren't able to properly care for their kids and end up on some kind of assistance, or raising the kids as a single parent.  I CRINGE to think of the impact all of that will have on the next generation.  Ugh.  Children need parenting, not just a parent.  That isn't happening anymore as usually both partners work, or the single parent is working a couple jobs to make ends meet.  

A little ramble, but it is very concerning to me (generally speaking)

Steph, the last point I would like to make to you is that there's SO much more that goes into having and raising a child besides "love".  If love was all it took, it would be a very different world we live in.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

[specialmom]

I just think when people have their mind made up prior to posting, it is hard to help them in any way.  so a simple good luck is about all I got.  

[Chima7]

Ultimately the choice is yours, of course. But I sure hope you keep in mind what everyone has said. So when things do start changing in your life, as they most certainly will, then you'll see we were all just trying to help you avoid some pitfalls along the way.

I think a huge part of the problem is that your generation has grown up with the most advanced technology we've ever had available than any other time in history, which has led to kids growing up with instant gratification of whatever they ever wanted right in front if them. It has caused such a major shift in how young people expect their lives to turn out that the impact on their decision making is truly astounding. I was a sociology major in undergrad so this kind of stuff fascinates me. I grew up in the 80s and things were gradually heading in that direction but all of you kids nowadays have to have everything Now Now Now and don't have the slightest bit of patience. That's what happens when you're constantly exposed to the ability that the Internet has given people to instantly connect with people, instantly purchase anything they want and get it immediately, instantly locate their favorite movie, song, or TV show or whatever their heart desires and son on. You may think I'm full of crap but this the direction society has taken. Anyone who studies it for any length of time can see it. And you're basically feeding into it with your stubborn desire to have what you want Now Now Now, just like all of the people in your generation.

I just wish there was a way to make you see this before its too late for you and you make some big mistakes. I don't like to see people suffer, so I'm just trying to help you avoid that. Sorry if that is offensive to you but that's how I roll.

[specialmom]

Good luck

[StephC91]

A baby is something we both want and both feel we are ready for. While I appreciate all advice given.  I have also asked friends who have kids and as long as the has love from both parties it shouldnt matter

[TTinKKerBBell]

Dear Steph,
Please realize - no one here approached You - You came here asking for advice.  Everyone gave You good advice!!  based on much more experience than You have had in a mere 22 years.  

Your responses are  evidence of a lack of maturity and experience (I don't mean that in a personal way as almost anyone of the age of 22 cannot yet be very "mature" or very "experienced").

You state that You've been through "a lot "in six months.  I would beg Your pardon even on that statement as "6 months" is not a "LOT" of anything!! - 6 months is a drop in the bucket compared to a LifeTime of any Major anything.  6 months is not enough time to know if You should be making a Baby with someone.  It takes more than 6 months to "really" know someone (anyone) - but Babies are 'forever' - for both Parents - whether They remain together or not -college, GrandBabies, etc., etc. - it never ends.
  
You are free to make Your own decision and do whatever You want but most of us here are basically saying - 6 months is N O T  enough time to 'know' (and You did ask for advice)

It's only when one is very young that one thinks 6 months is ample time for a life altering decision (a decision which will ultimately affect a minimum of 3 people - for life)

[VICourageous]

Ok, That sounds good. I pray that you get to know each other more for the rest of your Life. As we know money can not buy you true Love. Only you 2 know how you feel about each other. I wish you a very happy life and that you 2 can have a big family of Joy & Happiness!
Bless

[specialmom]

Good luck steph.  I think we've all said about all we can at this point.  

[StephC91]

Trust me we know each other fairly well considering we've been together for 6 months

[VICourageous]

Oh Boy!!!! You did come on looking for some advise. We are just sharing our own experiences with you...YOU Will do what ever AND it is your LIFE. We are not here to hurt anyone at all. I belong to other areas on here as well and I do not get the way you are very defensive. Maybe it is something else going on out there in your world. I too wish you the Best in Life.
Give it to your God and he will guide You & Him!!

[specialmom]

I think the point that you are missing is that no one has any vested interested in when you have a baby.  It doesn't matter to my own life if you get pregnant tomorrow.  I don't know you.  I don't know your boyfriend.  You came asking for advice.  I could say what you clearly wanted to hear but that wouldn't be honest.  I and others here are simply giving you our honest opinions based on experience, knowledge of others, etc.  It does not mean you have to follow anyone's advice or anyone is trying to 'own you'.  You could say that we are 'trying to tell you what to do' but you came to an advice forum and asked a question.  You got advice.  You've chosen to take that advice personally for some reason and that is worrisome.   Maturity allows you to say 'whatever' to things but getting riled up because someone on an anonymous forum says they think it is better to wait a year or two before having a child with someone so the relationship can build and problems you've mentioned can get worked out pre baby if it isn't what you plan on doing.  

I'm still not sure why you've asked the question you did.  Maybe someone like your mother or his mother is giving you the same advice in your 'real' life and our backing that advice up strikes a nerve.  ???  Anyway, doesn't really matter.  

No one knows you, no one is trying to upset you or hurt you, people here just gave honest feedback meant to help to the question YOU asked.  good luck

[specialmom]

You didn't.  You just asked for advice and my advice is that unless a relationship has solidified, built a foundation (that can take time to really develop), and some of the issues you've described financially---  it does often take a year or two.  I'm not sure what your hurry is.  

I married in my 30's after a year engagement that we had after two years of dating.  Total of three years prior to marriage.  Then, we waited a bit to have kids in order to really explore and enjoy our relationship before we brought little ones that dominate and are dependent on us into the picture.  Now, I'm a stay at home mother because we are financially secure, we have a deep bond formed from years of being partners/lovers/friends that is over and above coparenting, and the 13 years we've been married, we continue to grow closer.

What is a common scenario from a baby after limited time as a couple is that a baby comes on and does what babies do . . .  dominate, dates become harder to come by, money becomes tighter, etc.  and after the toddler years and early elementary years, a couple struggles to keep it together.  I'm not trying to say that will happen to you as time will tell but a good way to prevent it is to really bond the two of you and have stressful things like financial issues worked out.

It's just advice.  It's not telling you what to do.  So, your comment on taking over your body is a little out of line.  It's simply advice and clearly, you aren't all that interested in it.  Good luck.  Hope all your dreams come true!

[StephC91]

Or years??? Sorry love but when did I ask you to take over my body tell me when and when not to do stuff???

[specialmom]

Thank you Vic for that very nice post.  Well said.