relationship anxiety?

[graziass]

Hi I met a really nteresting guy 8 mnths ago and fell in love. he now tells me he cares about me and has special feelings but out of the blue the relationship has made him very anxious. I have largely left the course of our this relationship to him and have tread carefully. Now he has asked to not see each other for about 6 to 8 weeks and even a telephone conversation causes him anxiety. So NO CONTACT. How should I handle this. I miss him terribly but am staying away and have no idea where this will go

[Londres70]

Nici, you deserve the best.  I don't know you personally, but no one should have to tolerate being treated the way you have been treated.  Remember, you have the control to change all this and by walking away you just took control.  

All the best.

[graziass]

yes TTinKKerBBell U are also very right. Thinking about the sadness I have been feeling I realize that it is the feeling off loss about something that in the end was not there at all. Perhaps that is what is so painful. I have definitely and suddenly put an end to the whole thing and now wonder what was so difficult about it. I have a fortunate life and much prefer to enjoy it without this sort of drama. Just want to have my peaceful existence back now. Feeling much improved. Thanks to you also.

[graziass]

Ah Londres70 I AM gratefull for your very honest AND truthful answer. Yes you are absolutely right and I know that. I feel like a dill to be honest and yes I wish I had made the exit much sooner. He is on a 3 week holliday in Vietnam to "sort out" his "torment". I have written him an email to say that he can take me out of the equasion as I am no longer willing to be part of this charade. I have made it clear that I dont want any more contact in any shape or form. He lives an hours drive away which is fortunate. I appriciate your very valid points..drama and nonsense..and I know that if this happened to a friend I would be the first to tell her to get rid of him. Yes..I do need to love myself more and know that I am valuable. I feel much relieved about having taking my own power back and since I have done that I realize how absolutely horrible the whole deal has been and how lucky I am to "escape" in time from a situation which would get more awful by the day. THANK YOU

[TTinKKerBBell]

Love is a "choice".  You can "choose" not to love someone who behaves so bizarrely!!  What's to love?  I'm sure He has good qualities but realize no one is ALL bad - there's good and bad in everyone.  If the good outweighs the bad then the choice can be easy but if the bad outweighs the good then let Him go.    
Don't feel stupid, as You didn't know all this before.  The stupid move would be to know what You now know and "choose" to risk a relationship with Him.  Mourn the loss of the man You "thought" He was but be grateful that You now understand who He really is.  And know that You have "choices" - You really, really do.

[Londres70]

I am sorry and not to be rude but this whole situation is beyond strange and weird to me.  As soon as you found out this man was "two-timing" you you should have been out of there, not going to a counselling session based on the other woman's recommendation and with the TWO of them.  I do believe the woman, "D" and you are in need of some serious counselling but SEPARATELY.  Yes, I will agree you all are too old for this.  Plus, this other woman doesn't owe you any apology; it is this man who is the cause of this disaster and should be endlessly apologizing to the both of you for all this nonsense.  

Your statement......."Somehow though I think that I dont want to be involved with a guy who is such a good lier and also who is so infatuated with a woman who is in my opinion very labile and damaged."    I will agree that you should have NOTHING to do with this man.  Break it off COMPLETELY and MOVE ON for your own healing.  

Your statement....."I wish I could just turn off the "love" feelings because I realize that the whole thing is sooo distasteful."    Yes, it is very distasteful and you should realize that love is not a feeling you have "0" control over.  You aren't powerless against this.  I would suggest loving yourself a bit more and seeing this situation as it is........drama and nonsense.  

Sounds like this man is enjoying this "love triangle" and I don't think he is remorseful at all.  

Your statement......"I know we are all human beings and we are all prone to mistakes but..."    Yes, that's true, but dear this man has lied on so many levels.  Plus, it doesn't sound like he has any intentions on leaving this other woman.  He sounds like is trying to be some "over the hill" casanova.  He just tells you both what you both want to hear so that he can get want he wants. Do you really want a relationship like this with a man?

Nici, leave this.  If you find you can't, I would recommend you seeking therapy to figure out why you can't leave this.  It is VERY clear this is an unhealthy relationship and totally inappropriate.  

[graziass]

Hi guys..thank you for responding to my q. I have found the answer and it is not so good and perhaps you already had those suspicions. David had a girlfriend for 2 years and because she has not made "a commitment" to her he thought it a good idea to find someone to "give him "some comfort". I found out myself as I found them in his house (not in bed thank god). The very embarressing thing is that we are all well and truly middle aged and I would not have thought this kind of stuff would go on with people my age. She did not know about me and I did not know about her. He told me he is "in love" with her and wants to marry her....I have met her and she is a new age "guru" who feels that we have no control over our decisions as we are "lead" by "SPIRIT" our ...leader. It is all a bit scary especially as I have come to know D as a very intellectual and intelligent man and wonder about this apparently very painful relationship they have. I am hurting because my feelings for him are strong..but also because I feel so cheated and lied to. By both of them actually. After the whole thing blew up She organized A "counseling" session for the 3 of us...she insisted I come as she believed it would be "healing" for me. She also told me awful things about D and how she saw him and disliked him etc. In the session she told him that he had been her project for her own "evolvement" and that their "mother son" relationship was now over. I realized that she wanted me there so she could "beat" him up with his "transgression" with me. Told me I was "gold" to her and send by..."SPIRIT" to save her from D. I have just found out that they are "together" again even though D. has told me he "loves" me and "does not know what to do". We have mutual friends D and I who have staid right out of it thankfully but that is where I have met him again. He had apologized to us both in the counseling session but I have come to realize that while they got back together again he was also trying it on with me again. (I had no idea that she was back on the scene) I feel stupid and angry at them both and have such a feeling of "let down". I wish I could just turn off the "love" feelings because I realize that the whole thing is sooo distasteful. He has gone abroad for 3 weeks and told me that he feels that he will be able to make a decision away from everything. Somehow though I think that I dont want to be involved with a guy who is such a good lier and also who is so infatuated with a woman who is in my opinion very labile and damaged. I know we are all human beings and we are all prone to mistakes but...what would you guys think about how to deal with this. I appreciate your input. Kind regards Nici

[Londres70]

Extremely strange that this would happen out of the blue especially since you all have been involved for 8 months.  There could be several explainations for this, but none of them that I come up with are in your favor.  Has he always had an issue with anxiety or is this new?  

I would be asking him what EXACTLY is going on and if he seems like he can't give you a RATIONAL and PLAUSIBLE explaination or explainations other than he is "feeling anxious" then I would assume move on.  If he can't effectively communicate with you and has to "cut" you off...that just isn't a healthy relationship in my opinion.