Boyfriend having baby with somone else.

[leannehehe]

My boyfriend and I went through a difficult time a couple of months ago. I cheated on him because I had lost my self image and took it out on other people. We split up and he had sex with another girl twice, one time the condom split. We realised we still loved each other, We got back together and everything was great because I had sorted my head out and our relationship had never been better. Then the past few days he started acting strangely, like pushing me away. He told me that this girl he had slept with was pregnant. This was after we had been trying for a baby of our own for two years without success. This was how my self image was affected and why I had cheated on him. He said he loves me and he wants to be with me, but the girl he had sex with is going to keep the baby. He already had a child with sombody else who is now aged 5, but that wasn't when we were together.I feel extemely hurt, because he wants to have the child as he says he is getting older, but I have fertility problems and this has made my self image even worse. I would feel guilty for getting pregnant now because he has a pregnancy on the way. What do I do?? I have never loved anybody as much as I love him, We were both looking forward to making a life together, but now he has an extra responsibility.

[Judy246]

You can continue with your relationship together. What has changed is that he is he will now be the father of 2 and has financial responsibilities with these innocent children and not these women, so both of you enjoy your lives together and accept what you can't change and make the best out of this situation. Enjoy your relationship with the understanding that he is now the father of 2 and responsibilities have changed, but not your relationship.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

One sentence will sum up my advice "you both need to seek counseling, individual and couples"

You mention you have had fertlity troubles, have you seen a doctor and had tests run to see if you have any tangible fertility issues or if it's just that you haven't conceived yet? If you haven't already I'd suggest talking with some of the ladies on the fertility forum about your feelings.  It's understandable that your b/f wants to be part of this childs life, this IS his child.  YOU have to determine whether or not this is somethign YOU can handle or if you feel it's best to move on.   Counseling will help the both of you work thruogh the issues that led to the infidelity on both parts.  Until you get those issues resolved you are not going to have any kind of normal relationship.  

[teko]

So what is to keep you from cheating on each other again? You both did it once before and now as someone said above, there is a real life changing event for all, and your self esteem is again plummeting. He seems to be throwing his seed everywhere. He is going to have two children by different women and you cannot get pregnant. I dont see this working long term at all. Not to mention the fact that does anyone believe in getting married anymore before having children? Who is going to take care of all these kids being born in single households. Just having a wave of the future pic hit me there! I guess that was off topic.

[imanaddict]

If that isn't a knife to the back, I don't know what is!! I agree with the others, this is not your normal break up, make up scenario. It got WAY more complicated and has now become a life changing experience for everyone involved. Something like that is hard as heck to work through. The very first thing I would advise your boyfriend to do is take a DNA test just in case. If the results come back and he's the father, he should definitely have visitation with his child. This can be treated the same as any other custody/visitation arrangement as long as everyone is adult about it. The child's needs come first and since there was no messy break up, hopefully that will be the case. If you start to feel like things are harder than you had anticipated, I would certainly advise going and speaking to a professional about your feelings. If you have any type of resentment, you might pass that on to the innocent baby, which wouldn't be right. If this is going to work ( and it can be done) you will have a long road ahead of you. You both will. I sincerely wish you the best!

[specialmom]

Okay, please don't be mad at what I am about to say.  This is not a good situation.  Trying for a baby while having this issue in a relationship and that one is not a good idea.  You both ended up with other people no matter how brief it was.  I've had plenty of bad fights with my husband but have never turned right around and had sex with someone else.  Same while I was dating him or boyfriends before him.  That reaction to troubled times in a relationship bothers me.

His impregnating someone is the repercussion of that.  And now that she is pregnant and having the baby and he says he wants to be a part of it---------- that is what it is.  No.  Don't get pregnant now.  This relationship has a ways to go to be steady enough to support a pregnancy.  If he asks you to marry him and you end up doing so, then that would be a good time to talk about a baby with him.  Until then, there is no telling how this will turn out.  

I think you need to have some heart to hearts.  He will be involved with the other woman forever now and father to a new baby.  Are you willing to be supportive of him doing this? If not, then I'd go ahead and move on with  your life.  Find someone that you can have a relationship without so much bad history and baggage with.  If you decide to try to work it out with him, you'll need to also be supportive of his becoming a father (for the innocent baby's sake).  You'll need to have really good communication with him to work through all of the emotions you are obviously going to have with it all.  It will be hard.

Couples therapy is really helpful for getting on the same page about things.  I highly recommend it.  I wish you the best of luck in this difficult and what I am sure is a painful situation for you.  

[kay2486]

if he starts acting strangely again you know somethings wrong, if she keeps the baby and he bonds with him/her then this may hurt you knowing you may not be able to have kids but you've got to ask yourself, can you cope him seeing his child? will you get paranoid he may cheat? if it were me id wonder these things, but he seems sure enough he wants to be with you doesnt he, to be sure you need a really good chat, does he know you may never have kids if he does just explain again if he stays with you then its probably just you two, this may be upsetting but you need to ask this and make sure he understands because things like this can tear relationships apart, i really hope you work it out and hopefully you will become pregnant dont you feel guilty, anything could happen soon good luck