what to do with a boyfriend addicted to porn?

[dorotea47]

My bf and I have been together for a little over 2 years, I'm 28 and he's 30 now. We started while he was in Australia and I was in Florida in 2010. Since the start we've always talked about having kids and being a family. After six months he moved back home and I moved with him, but after only 3 months of living together he fell asleep and left his Facebook account open and I was curious so I took a look and found these messages that he had sent to one of his ex girlfriends from high school, very specifically sexual messages, but she asked him if he had a girlfriend and she didn't respond to the messages the way he wanted. Of course I got mad, I was ready to leave and confronted him and he begged and cried a little bit, asked me to forgive him, that he couldn't live without me, anyway, so I forgave him. He's military so in October of last year he got deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months, talking wasn't very easy, internet connection over there is very slow so we would just talk on the phone once a day everyday. He got back on May of this year, it hasn't been easy for me because he's been very anxious and gets mad at other people easily. Our sex life has never being the best, I've always being more sexual than him, at least that's what I thought, UNTIL LAST WEEK. Since he got back he's put his phone on silence and doesn't like me to use it at all and I had noticed that he had been erasing messages and calls, but I didn't ask cuz I didn't wanna be the crazy jealous girlfriend. Last saturday he got drunk and came home at 6am so I was furious and went through his iPad, because I am smarter than him and found out that he opened different accounts on different adult websites to find people to have an intimate encounter with and he's been sending and receiving pictures of females and switching phone numbers with them. So he thinks I know only of one website, he doesn't know I know about the other ones. I also found out yesterday that he opened one of the accounts a year ago so he's been lying to me for a very long time. I told him I was leaving and again he begged me not to, but this time he cried like a baby so I was moved by it and DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . He says he went to a counselor and he found out he has a lot of issues, and that he has a porn problem, but he keeps lying to me, lie after lie and I don't trust him anymore, but the leaving part is not easy either. CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE?

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't know if I can offer You "help" but I do have a few observation
BUT
BEFORE
I make my "observations" I want to say :
"Leaving" is "NEVER" easy, cuz we  go into Our Marriages/Relationships having  Hopes and Dreams for our Future!! BUT - let us be PRACTICAL!!

You've had "numerous" red flags - what more do You need??, what more is there??
  
Okay, He "cried" - guess what??, tears are cheap, ANYONE can cry!!  We should base our "decisions", our "determinations" on BEHAVIOR - and to MY way of thinking:  His BEHAVIOR belies His TEARS!!.
We tend to "believe" what we "want" to believe - we are so silly not to trust our OWN "instincts", our "own" OBSERVATION of BEHAVIOR!!

Please, trust Your OWN natural INSTINCT!!  "Leaving" is NEVER easy, but there are times when it is the "right" thing to do for Our Well-being!!

[specialmom]

Sadly, I don't think this is about porn.  (PS: to me, porn becomes a problem when it is taking the place of other things,, is obssessive or if your partner has asked you not to do it and you just can't help yourself).  

This relationship started long distance, started out going too fast (you aren't suppose to go directly to talking about having kids/being family right in the begining before there is any foundation to a relationship), your sex life has never been all that great, you caught him having sexual conversations on the internet wtih an old girlfriend, and now you've found he's opened accounts to troll around for sex (which is way beyond watching a little porn).  

Listen, you date to find out what you need to know about someone to decide if a relationship should keep going or end.  That really is WHY we date.  If we ignore lots of things along the way, the relationship can end up in a big mess like this.  

Obviously, once he opened up an account to have a sexual encounter with someone else, the relationship moved into new territory.  

I too am sorry you are giong through this.  But I want to offer a perspective on ending a relationship with problems that puts a positive spin on it.  Breaking it off with him will allow you to find someone that will be a better boyfriend to you. That you don't have to worry is cheating.  Doesn't that sound wonderful?  He is a risky proposition in the trust department at this time and probably forever.  goodlluck

[nursegirl6572]

Well, I surely don't envy the position you're in.  PORN and trying to find people to meet up with to have a sexual encounter with are two completely different things.  

Others may disagree with me, but I don't have a problem with my husband looking at porn now and again.  If he did it constantly, or in place of wanting to be with me intimately, then it would be a different story.  I even bought him a subscription to Playboy.  I know some women would not agree, and I respect the differing viewpoints about it.

It sounds like your BF isn't just "looking at porn", it sounds like he is actively seeking someone to hook up with.  THAT is completely unacceptable, and if it were me, I'd probably kick him to the curb ASAP.  Not only would he be "cheating" on you, but the added fact that he's seeking internet girls out means he would have an increased risk an contracting an STD, which of course he could pass on to you.

I know this is a terrible situation and I'm sorry you're going through it.  You were very forgiving the first time around.  Only YOU can ultimately make the decision of how to proceed with the relationship.  Just be prepared for a lot of excuses and begging.  If you DO choose to end it, he will most likely not make it easy to walk away.

Very best of luck to you.

[Londres70]

Your statement...."I told him I was leaving and again he begged me not to, but this time he cried like a baby so I was moved by it and DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . He says he went to a counselor and he found out he has a lot of issues, and that he has a porn problem, but he keeps lying to me, lie after lie and I don't trust him anymore, but the leaving part is not easy either."  

My response......how many chances are you going to give this man to make a fool out of you?  He has done this CRYING ROUTINE one to many times in my opinion.  Plus....without trust there is NO relationship dear. Leave.  It might be something hard to do, but this situation is totally unhealthy and not something you should subject yourself further to.  

Great that he is getting help, but now you need to help yourself and get out of this.  Let him have this "porn problem," etc. by himself.  Who knows who he has been with sexually.  Besides, you are putting yourself at risk for STDs....and worse AIDS.  So....you could end up with more than just a broken heart and hurt feelings.  

Get rid of him.