what to do?

[missweirdo]

I'm new to this, so I'll try to give a little bit of background. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. In the beginning everything was awesome. He is an old fashion gentleman. He likes to hold open the door, offer his jacket if I'm cold, etc. Though he has begun to get a bit selfish and I feel like I'm working at our relationship much more than he is. We've been arguing a lot lately, and mostly about stupid things. I've told him things and feel like he isn't listening. I have to repeat myself a LOT. He's moving into a new place tomorrow, and wants me to wear something 'nice' for him. He expects me to look nice, though he doesn't do too much on his own appearance, not that he is ugly or anything. He has also lately been pointing out my physical "flaws", as I feel. He'd say "you look tired, or your eyes get really wrinkled when you do that" or point out some new zit I have. He's been really driving me crazy! He complains a lot about not having enough money, but will buy all name brand items. This constant arguing gets old. In my head, I feel like leaving him. But then I still love him, and don't think I'd ever find a guy with qualities he has. My heart says one thing(to stay) and my head says another. So what do I do? Something has to change. I don't want to keep arguing all the time..

[teko]

Of course you love him. You simply are not IN LOVE with him. Unfortunately letting someone go and moving on is not pleasant. Luck to you....

[missweirdo]

Part of the people pleaser in me really hates that I want to leave. I don't want to hurt him, as I really care about him and want the best for him. Though are constant bickering gets old fast. I really don't think that he thinks much before he acts. He's older, but I feel more mature than him. He is finally starting to grow up, but it's kinda late now, since I'm really having trouble deciding if I actually want to be with him. Sometimes I look at him and think I'm so lucky. Other times I look at him after he says something and I wonder how he can be so stupid. He can be very gullible and think total BS things are true. It drives me crazy. I'm staying to try to work on it for a bit, but if nothing changes, I guess I'll have to leave. I'm horrible at breaking up with someone. Have no idea how to do it well. I don't even want to think of it right now.

[peggy64]

You've received some very sound and wise advice here.  Use it.

He has said he will change. Well, its not enough to say it. WHEN? and apparently he has answered that one.

You are so unhappy, and that is only going to be compounded because you KNOW what is wrong, but can't fix it.

And as far as people pleasing....that is such a hard attribute to live with. (ask me how I know)  We can never please everyone everytime and it causes misery seeing yourself fail at something that is not even what you should be doing in the first place.

  There was a song once, "You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

[dlr2007]

I completely agree with your not continuing the relationship if it keeps going in circles. I have been in four longterm, live-in relationships (married twice!) before my current marriage, and I've learned that when the same issue keeps coming up again and again without being solved, it eventually destroys the relationship. I have notes in my diaries about my 1st husband (my kid's father) spanning over the years. Each one is complaining about his temper, anger problems, and verbal abuse. We never solved this and separated after 9 years and 2 children. You are wise to realise that if someone cannot or will not work on the relationship, nothing will change and you will be trapped in an endless cycle. Give it this one shot and if it doesn't improve, move on. I wish I hadn't always been so afraid of being alone when I was young- being happy and single would've been much better than living in misery with guys that were wrong for me. Good luck!

[missweirdo]

I'm such a people pleaser, always wanting to make sure everyone else is happy before myself and I don't know exactly how to change that. kind of sad. I talked to him yesterday and he's been better about a lot of what I was upset about, though I'm not sure how long that will last. If the relationship keeps going in circles, with him acting the same again, I don't think I will stay.

[Judy246]

We woman have natural instincts or that inner voice that will tell us when something is right and especially when something is wrong and we need to listen to it. That inner voice has never let me down. When he starts to point out your faults, you stop him right there on the spot and tell him, "I know I'm not perfect, but I don't appreciate anyone pointing out my faults or critisizing me all the time"..he will get the message. Also, none of us is perfect, so if you feel these issue are workable, find the right time to sit down and discuss your concerns abou the relationship or if you don't he is the one, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship if it is worth pursuing.

[teko]

Lots of people stay with someone for lots of reasons. Keep in mind that there are a lot of people who have been together for lots of years because they were afraid of being alone etc. Now they are older and wishing they had listened to their gut when they had the chance. You got one shot so make it what makes YOU happy, you are not responsible for anyone but you at this point. Make the most of it.

[missweirdo]

I don't know if it has run it's course. I care about him deeply, but he drives me crazy at the same time. We argue about finances a lot and he says he'll change, he doesn't want to lose me, but I don't know what to do. I feel like it'll be a constant issue I'd have to remind him of for it to keep working. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but then he points out things I don't want to hear about my looks. I've told him that before and he'll stop for a while, and then start up again later on. I know I can be hormonal, so I don't know if that would have a great effect on how I am seeing this relationship. I'm not sure. I'm going for my doctor's appointment next week. Maybe I'm afraid of being alone. I really don't know. I'm just very confused on what to do...

[teko]

Listen to your head and not your heart. The heart causes all kinds of problems. Using your head and being able to see past emotions is a very good thing. I think in your gut you want to move on but do not want to go thru the emotions of making that happen. Good luck.

[specialmom]

All relationships mature and many have a difficult time doing so.  You don't sound all that thrilled with him, to be honest.  Has this relationship run its course?  You are noticing the things that might be more of an issue later.  Financial differences, for example.  There are lots of people that would rather have name brands and spend the extra cash to have them.  Not a big deal really, but if it goes against your thoughts on money------- it will always be an issue.  Eventually if you marry and join finances, it will be your money too that he spends that way. I wouldn't like to feel criticized for my appearance and that is insensitive.  Can you tell him that you'd prefer he'd just not mention it?  To put a filter on?  But, in a relationship------ things like that come up.  I had a monster zit once------  the thing practically covered my whole face and looked mean and angry and ready to explode.  (nice visual, huh?).  My now husband and then boyfriend---------  looked at it and said wow.  He left and came back a bit later with some of those oxypad things to help with it.  I wasn't offended, he was trying to help me.  He doesn't put me down for my appearance and I wouldn't want to feel judged by that.  If you are seeing that, then I'd take that as a red flag.  But you are talking about his as well.  It just doesn't sound like a warm and fuzzy relationship anymore and maybe it is time to move on.  Remember that dating is for finding out if you want to take the relationship to the next level.  good luck