Aa
Advice needed
Hi there, I am a male in the mid-thirties with no history of any proximity to the opposite gender. Due to various socio-economic factors, the situation is not expected to change anytime soon. To add to it my appearance, introvertish attitude (shyness) and circumstance does not help the cause. Present situation does not allow me to invest a lot of time and effort or energy in performing a dedicated search for a partner. This has resulted in a huge sexual frustration which, now-a-days, I find extremely hard to cope and it is affecting all aspects of life, quite strongly; and progressively it is getting worse, slowly spinning out of control.
Any advice on the best way to tackle this problem, if anybody has been in such a situation before? Is it a good idea to see professional ladies (escorts)? Is there any other way that can buy me a couple of years?
Any advice on the best way to tackle this problem, if anybody has been in such a situation before? Is it a good idea to see professional ladies (escorts)? Is there any other way that can buy me a couple of years?
This is a really big subject you are asking about so my answer might be long.
I chose to be celibate after sex addiction recovery, so I can definitely understand the sexual frustration part, but I successfully dealt with it through masturbation and very vivid sexual fantasies. I roleplay super realistic events in my imagination and I even dress up a body pillow to replicate a real person, much like a sex doll. When I make it as real as possible, it feels real and since I have a great imagination, I don't miss out on much, in fact I often felt as if normal sex would bore me in comparison.
You can learn to have a lot of fun by yourself and find complete satisfaction.
Dealing with loneliness is a different subject completely and that is entirely emotional and psychological. If you are a hopeless romantic, always saddened by the fact that you have not found your soul mate, for example, you may not be entirely satisfied through masturbation alone.
There's a lot of steps to learning how to be comfortable and happy on your own.
That constant need for a partner that is ruining your life means that there is something psychologically, mentally or emotionally upset in your perception or mind. I shouldn't assume you are a hopeless romantic, but whatever it is that is causing you to obsess about needing someone, is definitely reason to either see a therapst, psychologist, counsellor or to simply do some self-work and look at what underlying feelings, thoughts or beliefs are causing you to obsess about it so much.
Maybe you put so much importance on another person saving you from some other uncontrollable aspect in your life.
Without meaning to sound all zen and spiritual, I find the answer to being happy on my own is literally practicing mindful awareness.
I once took a vow of silence for 3 days, where I abstained from all distractions, even masturbation and I was forced to really look at my emotions and it was a profound experience that taught me to enjoy being with myself. When I did this, I did not find a solitary experience like I once feared, in fact it opened me up to an amazing conversation with my spirit guides and I felt this amazing feeling of love and - the opposite of feeling alone.
But when I am dislocated from myself, living only impulsively like almost everyone usually does, I quickly become lonely.
The fact is I am quite isolated, in fact I only have 1 friend, who is always busy and my own parent's don't want to have anything to do with me, which gives me a good reason to feel lonely - or does it? Because the fact also is, that when I practice mindful awareness, I never feel alone and am very content by myself. I may not have deep meaningful relationships right now, but I never give up the hope that I may one day find one - and the fact is, the more I get comfortable with myself, the more I don't really need anyone to save me.
That loneliness was the reason I sought sex in the past, using it to fullfill some misery within me. In recovery I've found solace and peace in the fact that I don't have to rely on anyone. I don't need sex to feel better about myself.
Not that I'm making myself out to be someone who hates sex and never plans on having it ever again, because I'm probably the exact opposite of that. I'm just saying that loneliness can be a really destructive thing if you let it consume you.
I think it's worth looking at what you really want. I'm certain that if all you ever wanted was sex (the ugliest people get laid more than any of us do), it would be easy to find it but chances are you're manipulating your own attempts at finding casual sex because maybe you want more than that.
Perhaps you are at war with yourself, a part of you wants to go have a bunch of casual sex while another part of you really just wants to feel loved and accepted by someone you can really relate to.
In summary, I think the only thing you can do is have patience and stay positive and trust that you will find someone eventually, despite your situation. Have trust and faith that things will work out. Work on your inner emotions. Learn how to be happy with yourself. Learn how to increase your self-esteem.
I do not think that prostitutes are going to fill that void for you, but you can always try to go down that road if you have any doubt. And the thing is, I doubt you'd have to go for prostitutes either, just go somewhere where all the drunks hang out and you'll be sure to find a girl who doesn't care much about herself.
You really don't need confidence to have casual sex, people who are willing to go down that road have really low standards in the first place, chances are they are all just as insecure as you are about their appearances.
Maybe you've incorrectly came to believe that sex or even love only comes to those who are attractive (whatever you think is attractive), but sex is just sex and a lot of people will literally have sex with anything, the world is full of people with different sexual attractions, no one likes the same thing. No matter what gross thing you can think of, there are bajillions of people who are into that sexually. Even I used to get off by having sex with people I wasn't even physically attracted to.
And as far as love goes, when you actually like someone, all that vanity doesn't matter.
I chose to be celibate after sex addiction recovery, so I can definitely understand the sexual frustration part, but I successfully dealt with it through masturbation and very vivid sexual fantasies. I roleplay super realistic events in my imagination and I even dress up a body pillow to replicate a real person, much like a sex doll. When I make it as real as possible, it feels real and since I have a great imagination, I don't miss out on much, in fact I often felt as if normal sex would bore me in comparison.
You can learn to have a lot of fun by yourself and find complete satisfaction.
Dealing with loneliness is a different subject completely and that is entirely emotional and psychological. If you are a hopeless romantic, always saddened by the fact that you have not found your soul mate, for example, you may not be entirely satisfied through masturbation alone.
There's a lot of steps to learning how to be comfortable and happy on your own.
That constant need for a partner that is ruining your life means that there is something psychologically, mentally or emotionally upset in your perception or mind. I shouldn't assume you are a hopeless romantic, but whatever it is that is causing you to obsess about needing someone, is definitely reason to either see a therapst, psychologist, counsellor or to simply do some self-work and look at what underlying feelings, thoughts or beliefs are causing you to obsess about it so much.
Maybe you put so much importance on another person saving you from some other uncontrollable aspect in your life.
Without meaning to sound all zen and spiritual, I find the answer to being happy on my own is literally practicing mindful awareness.
I once took a vow of silence for 3 days, where I abstained from all distractions, even masturbation and I was forced to really look at my emotions and it was a profound experience that taught me to enjoy being with myself. When I did this, I did not find a solitary experience like I once feared, in fact it opened me up to an amazing conversation with my spirit guides and I felt this amazing feeling of love and - the opposite of feeling alone.
But when I am dislocated from myself, living only impulsively like almost everyone usually does, I quickly become lonely.
The fact is I am quite isolated, in fact I only have 1 friend, who is always busy and my own parent's don't want to have anything to do with me, which gives me a good reason to feel lonely - or does it? Because the fact also is, that when I practice mindful awareness, I never feel alone and am very content by myself. I may not have deep meaningful relationships right now, but I never give up the hope that I may one day find one - and the fact is, the more I get comfortable with myself, the more I don't really need anyone to save me.
That loneliness was the reason I sought sex in the past, using it to fullfill some misery within me. In recovery I've found solace and peace in the fact that I don't have to rely on anyone. I don't need sex to feel better about myself.
Not that I'm making myself out to be someone who hates sex and never plans on having it ever again, because I'm probably the exact opposite of that. I'm just saying that loneliness can be a really destructive thing if you let it consume you.
I think it's worth looking at what you really want. I'm certain that if all you ever wanted was sex (the ugliest people get laid more than any of us do), it would be easy to find it but chances are you're manipulating your own attempts at finding casual sex because maybe you want more than that.
Perhaps you are at war with yourself, a part of you wants to go have a bunch of casual sex while another part of you really just wants to feel loved and accepted by someone you can really relate to.
In summary, I think the only thing you can do is have patience and stay positive and trust that you will find someone eventually, despite your situation. Have trust and faith that things will work out. Work on your inner emotions. Learn how to be happy with yourself. Learn how to increase your self-esteem.
I do not think that prostitutes are going to fill that void for you, but you can always try to go down that road if you have any doubt. And the thing is, I doubt you'd have to go for prostitutes either, just go somewhere where all the drunks hang out and you'll be sure to find a girl who doesn't care much about herself.
You really don't need confidence to have casual sex, people who are willing to go down that road have really low standards in the first place, chances are they are all just as insecure as you are about their appearances.
Maybe you've incorrectly came to believe that sex or even love only comes to those who are attractive (whatever you think is attractive), but sex is just sex and a lot of people will literally have sex with anything, the world is full of people with different sexual attractions, no one likes the same thing. No matter what gross thing you can think of, there are bajillions of people who are into that sexually. Even I used to get off by having sex with people I wasn't even physically attracted to.
And as far as love goes, when you actually like someone, all that vanity doesn't matter.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hookers or escorts are likely to give you std. Masturbation or sexual toys appear to be practical option.
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
