Bf used to be addicted to porn but I can't trust him?

[NostalgicBumblebee]

I am a 20 year old woman and my boyfriend is also 20 years old. We've been going out for for around 9 months now and this is both our first proper relationship, we've also lost our virginity to one another. Anyway today I was over at his house and he was on his phone showing me a video but he opened a wrong tab and I saw a quick glimpse of a woman giving a blowjob to this guy. I asked him what it was and he said ''Oh it's just John (his friend) sending me a image of Christmas boobs, sorry''...like it was his friend sending him a dirty picture and not his fault. I said ''That wasn't boobs, that was a blowjob?'' He said he watched porn and left the tab open and he was really sorry and felt guilty. Now I knew guys watched porn but it never really crossed my mind and to see it was different. I felt really strange..kind of sick and extremely self conscious. Earlier that day we had sex before I saw this. We talked about it and I said how it's okay and I understood if he wanted to watch it but deep down I found it extremely upsetting. Anyway I had to go away for an hour to an appointment and we met up later that day. He saw I looked upset and I said I felt really odd about the whole thing but I did'nt want him to feel guilty looking at porn. Apparently the girls he was looking at resembled me but that did'nt make me feel much better. He then admitted something...he used to be addicted to porn. It shook me...I couldn't believe it because in my eyes he's such a sweet, caring, funny, intelligent person and I still can't get over it. I told him how I felt, how it made me feel so self conscious and how I wasn't sure if I could trust him and it was an upsetting conversation but he genuinely seemed to understand how it made me feel. Anyway we went shopping and we sort of put it past us and I did enjoy the day...but now i'm on my own crying my eyes out. I love him with all my heart and can't bear the idea of losing him but whenever we have sex I know I won't be able to stop thinking ''what if he wishes my boobs were bigger'' ''what if he's picture something else then enjoy our experience together'' ''what if he doesn't really love me''. I don't know how i'm supposed to get past those feelings? I don't know if they'll ever leave....and if he used to be addicted to porn but he was looking at an image on his phone...then what if it starts again? What if he's not really over it? And I feel the trust is broken and I don't know how to get it out of my mind. I know it took guts to tell me and he did'nt wanna keep secrets but why did he not admit it was porn straight away when I saw the image? And although i'm glad he told me I really wish he hadn't so it would go back to how it was....and i'm worried i'm going to go into some sort of depression over time because it's effected me so badly.

[OscarSyx]

If you can't trust him, then you need to say goodbye.  If you do trust him and just hate the fact that he is watching porn due to the fact that it makes you feel insecure than that is another topic pf discussion.   Your question is filled with "What if's"  I advise not to live in that kind of world.   A porn addiction is, in my opinion, something that he will grow out of.  I think you should reflect a bit, and come to terms with it or not.

[Gliceolalia]

The fact that he admitted something that is probably humiliating to him is a good thing and something you should try very hard to not take personally and just be supportive of.  If you continue to act insecure and jealous he will no doubt continue to lie to you and hide it.  Guys do watch porn, and so do many females.  If he had an addiction and is being honest when he says its something he is over or still working on (and you should probably take it at face value) then it is probably a difficult thing for him still.  

He probably feels a lot of shame which is why he didnt admit it right away.  There is always the possibility that he still has an addiction and maybe even more issues than the porn, but until he shows you any differently it is important not to jump to conclusions or you run the risk of pushing him away or driving him to feel he must continue to hide things from you.

You should sit down and talk to him, tell him that you want to always have honesty between you even if it is hard to deal with.  Tell him your worries and insecurities but stress that you want to work on it as well and that you want to be able to come to him and talk about it and also have him come to you when either of you need some reassurance or clarity.  

Men are very visual when it comes to sex.  As much as you may feel he is comparing you to the girls he sees in porn its very probable that he just wants to look at something to help him get off quicker than using his imagination.  If you guys have good sex and he seems into you then you really shouldnt worry, UNTIL he gives you a reason to!  The dishonesty is a red flag but if you make it clear you will not stand for it in the future even though you understand why he wasnt up front with you, then he should have no reason to continue to do so unless you are constantly being insecure and jealous.  Trust me, you DO NOT want to go this route.  

You have to be the bigger person here.  Work on your reactions, be the one pushing communication that is healthy, show him that you are his friend as well as his mate.  He is a grown man and allowed to look at porn if he wants to.  Shaming him is not going to get you anywhere.  Patience and love will get you everywhere.  If what you want is someone who does not look at porn then you should find someone else.  

If you love him enough to take him as is, then be there for him, and try very hard to not make it about yourself.  He doesnt need to come tell you whenever he looks at porn and you definitely dont need to try to go look through his history to see what hes looking at.  As long as you guys have a healthy sex life, it is in your best interest to let it be, and wait and see if any other red flags are raised, and then act accordingly.

[NostalgicBumblebee]

Thank you so so much for your reply! I woke up sad again this morning about it but reading this had made me feel a lot better. Our relationship is really good and I wouldn't want to lose him over something that's not a problem anymore. We both live at our parents so i'm wondering how would I even know if he still looks it up? All I can say is just trust him is the only option? Even though that's all over the place right now. I suppose the most concern I have now is if we move in together one day and I come across it by mistake on his phone or on a laptop and I know that will really hurt and i'm trying to avoid getting hurt as much as possible in life...like anyone really because unfortunately there has been a lot of that in my life so far. Thanks again for taking your time to answer my question!  

[NostalgicBumblebee]

Also his past porn addiction wasn't an easy thing to listen to of course but I accepted it, it's just whether or not it's a problem still that questions our relationship.

[clement4now]

I think you should trust your gut instinct and move ahead slowly. Take each day as it comes, and try to enjoy the present instead of wondering about the "what if's" in the future. If he betrays your trust, then you know what you need to do. For now, cultivate a happy, healthy relationship and see where it takes you :)

[NostalgicBumblebee]

Thanks so much! Your right i'll try my best to keep those worries away. Like you said he did choose to be with me :) I had no one to talk to about it and i'm so glad I went on this site and you found my question. You've helped me beyond words x :)  

[clement4now]

Hi,
I'm sorry this has you feeling so down :(
I give your boyfriend a little credit for finally being truthful with you about his past problem with porn; it must've been difficult for him to be so candid with you, and hard for you to listen to. As to why he wasn't honest with you in the first place, my guess is that he was probably too embarrassed by the graphic pic on his phone... Fortunately, you have a few options with this relationship, and you also have some decisions to make. You might decide to end this relationship because it makes you feel uncomfortable and upset knowing that your boyfriend has had a past porn addiction. If you have lost trust in him, and feel that his issue with porn is something that he continues to struggle with, then don't stay with him... Otherwise you could stay, and accept the relationship at face value for what it is, and try to move forward. If you choose to stick with him, you'll need to be able to forgive him, and not be resentful toward him because of his past. Everybody makes mistakes in life, and most people deserve forgiveness. You might consider giving him the chance to prove to you that he's taking steps to leave the porn behind. Although, If you don't see any improvement in his ability to be honest with you, for example; if he continues to look up porn and lie about it, then you shouldn't waste anymore time w/ him... Whether you decide to stay with him or not, don't focus on measuring yourself against other women (like the one in the picture) because it will only make you doubt yourself and create unnecessary insecurity. For what it's worth, he chose to be with you because he was obviously attracted to you and cared a lot about you... Hang in there, and Good Luck!