My Husband Never Wants To Have Sex!

[Women Seeking Answers]

I am 24 and my husband is 25.  We have been together for 8 years and married for 6.  We are both healthy and have a 9 month old daughter. My problem started about 7 years ago when it seemed like my husband never wanted to have sex.  Then after a while it seemed like I was always initiating it and getting turned down!  He just shrugs it off and thinks that I being funny and laughs!  Mean while I feel rejected and depressed.  I didn't say anything for a while I pretty much let it build up for a while and then one night I had to much to drink and decided to bring up the issue.  He didn't seem to think that anything was wrong with our sex life and couldn't believe that's what I was mad about! I asked him if there was something wrong with me he said no.  Then I asked him if there was something wrong with him he said he doesn't think so.  I suggested that he gets checked out to see if somethings wrong since he assured me that it wasn't me.  Need less to say he never did and we have had about 4 or 5 more huge blow outs since then!  Nothing seems to change so I don't even bring it up anymore!  I don't understand it though because he is very affectionate. We are still young and I think we should be having sex more than once a month!  He thinks that its not that big of a deal.  I don't know what else to do!!??  He obviously is interested in sex because I find porn on our computer.  I also expressed to him that makes me feel like total S*IT to know that you looking at that **** but don't want to have sex with me!!  Again....I'm overexagerating!!  I'm starting to think that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life! It's making me paranoid that he is cheating, so now I'm checking our cell phone bills and always watching what he does (when I can) and I don't want to be that person who is jealous but I cant help it.  What do I do?

[donb_fl]

guys loose interest in sex for lots of reasons. Hormones & stress are 2 leading factors, with depression coming up on a close 3rd. If its tha later, make sure he never gets on a med that has negative sexual side effects, if its the first its easily curable, if its stress then he needs to find the source of the problem and fix it, and increase exercise.

The problem is, often guys dont want to get help. When we loose our sexual nature, its hard to admit and it often is some relief in comparison to our normal thinking about sex ever 5 min mode. However, this can be hard on a relationship and cause stress in a marriage.

Porn often doesnt equal an interest in sex, guys are just drawn to it often even without a libido. My testosterone level is VERY low right now, castrate levels, and i still like it.

My GF had to lead me to the water but couldnt make me drink, so to say. I didnt even get the concept it should be different, that desire should be part of my psychology. Im very recently on testosterone replacement as i finally accepted there should be more, but it took a while.

Do not think it is yourself, ok? I doubt its an affair, its just some psychological or physical issues. also, some medications can kill the libido, especially hair loss & depression medications.

[HockeyShark]

Some people just have low sex drives, Some have high. Mine is always high. My Wifes is non existant, but we manage.

At 25 if he has very low he should get checked out. Might be medical. I have known 2 guys in thier mid 20's to 'avoid' their wives. One was found out to medical, the other guy turned out to be gay.

[Women Seeking Answers]

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has replied to this message!  Some of the things that you said (donb_fl) makes sense.  I just have another ?. I sometimes think that he gets depressed about his physical appearance.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with his appearance in fact a lot of women I know always say how hot he is.  He is always trying to "improve" himself.  How do I help him to realize that there is nothing wrong with him! He's not on any medication but he does have back problems that are now getting worse and making him more depressed but he never really never shows it.  Thanks a lot for you opinions!

[donb_fl]

Pain causes stress, stress causes libido dysfunction. So does depression. The pain can incese cortisol and lactic acid in the system, both libido killers.

Self image issues I know, deeply. Im in therapy for it. I haven't overcame it but im making progress. I wish i had better advice than "get a therapist" but its the only one i can give. Most antidepressants have libido killing powers, but wellbutrin SR is known for increasing it. I use it with good success to manage my low testosterone depression and increase my sensitivity.

Is he using ANY type of medication? Even medium doses of tagamet for heartburn can decrease testosterone in the system.

If he is regularly exercising, it can do nothing but help. Don't discourage this, it will help the healing process in his back and help his stress level.

Switching to my professional hat, your husband needs a full physical and blood workup, CBC, Comprehensive Metabolic Panel / hepatic panel Lipid Profile, Testosterone -Total + Free, Estradiol, PT/PTT.

I love my girlfriend and would never hurt her, but these issues caused great stress in our relationship. I had my first testosterone shot last Friday and im already noticing the change, It feels good, i dont know why i waited so long to get help. In 5 days my entire mood has changed. I hope whatever is wrong for your husband is easly curable, and don't hesitate to ask me questions if you got them. 25 years old is too young to not have a libido, there is something not right.

Hey, if he is anything like me just ask him to go to the doctor and get help, if even just an evaluation to calm your fears for his health, instead of letting it get in an argument, show your true feelings. It wasn't until my GF started crying when she was trying to tell me to get help that i realized something was profoundly wrong with me, and how much it was affecting our relationship.

[chrisie]

Omg I'm so thankkful to find all of  you! I have been so depressed and have actually thought of leaving my husband I love him to pieces but I just feel there's no hope. I feel as if he dosent want me anymore! I thought it was just me and I can't possibly take him to couseling for this his ex wife had and still has him in counseling for everything and anything you can think of from there marriage and now with there children. Anyways my husband spends so much time by himself i can't stand it I feel so alone even if he's in the den. he never kisses me he never wants to have sex and if he does it's usually when he's drinking and forget it if he has to much to drink I can't deal i feel so weak and so undesired. this is my second marriage and i didnt have this problem before. Why do men quit being affectionate? I just feel so sad I cry and cry and pray and think whats wrong with me.. so please keep the comments coming it helps others to know it's not just them!!!

[Women Seeking Answers]

Have you ever expressed your feelings to him?  There are a lot of things that my husband doesn't understand until I say "well how would you feel if..." and then he puts his self into my shoes and most of the time can see where I'm coming from. My husband is very affectionate he just never feels like having sex. Some men don't even realize that they are hurting you until you say something!  Has he always been like this?  You should never feel depressed if he is not being affectionate towards you that doesn't mean that its you!  He could have issues of his own but you will never know unless you ask and take it from my experience never jump to conclusions and just assume things because if you sit around thinking of all the possible reasons you will drive yourself CRAZY!! I know I used to let  my mind wonder and I would come up with some crazy things and I would just get myself mad/upset!  

[Women Seeking Answers]

Can you tell me more about that shot?  And if he was interested how would he go about getting it?  Would low testosterone make him not able to build muscle?  He used to work out all the time and never got very good results.  He was thinking about steroids but when he researched it he found that it causes to many health problems.  

[capt52001]

my boyfriend of 2.5 years doesn't want to have sex nearly as often as we used to.  Before buying a house together, we would have sex 5 to 6 times a week, but now I"m lucky if we have sex 2 times a week.  I realize I should be thankful for this, but I can't help but wonder what the problem is.  This is pretty much the only thing we fight about, and I don't want it to ruin our relationship.  When I ask him questions about what turns him on or what I can do for him sexually, he says nothing, which makes me angry and frustrated.  How do I get to the bottom of the problem?

[montel]

If you had relations 5 to 6 times a week, and now not even 2 a week and he is only 25, there is a problem.  Man find it hard to admit, they are very proud about their sexuality and then, when it goes down, they know it, but more than likely will not want to do anything on their own.  You need to help him, talk to him and make him realize how important sex is to you, and make him also realize how his needs have changed.  Then get help right away, first go to an MD that is open. Do not wait.

[Thisstinks]

I can't believe there are mostly women complaining about their lack of a sex life. I've been with my wife for over a decade and look at her as if we were just married.  To this day she takes my breath away. In the beginning our sex life was incredible and she was amazing. A decade later, I have to guilt her into sex and when that works she will just lay there or if it doesn't (which is 90% of the time) she always has some issue. She usually has a headache, some other problem or tired!! (which is funny because when I come home she is wide awake, but within ten minutes she is very sleepy?)  Does anyone know if there is medication I can be prescribed slow down my sex drive? I am at the end of my leash and may have to look else where!!

[eeewww]

Have you considered that he could be asexual? Asexuals often experience romantic love, but not sexual attraction. For men, this can be a shameful subject, as society teaches males that they should want sex all the time, and that they should be far more sexual than females.Some can also enjoy sexual acts although he would not seek them out. For this reason, many are willing to have sex in loving, committed relationships in order to please their partner. This often doesn't last very long. If he is asexual, then there is nothing physically wrong with him. However, if he is having other issues, or he lost his libido suddenly, he should definitely see a doctor. The important thing for you to do is to talk to him honestly about what both of you are feeling. Also, some asexuals do masterbate, but would rather not have partnered sex. If so, it is not because he doesn't love you or fid you physically attractive. Check out www.asexuality.org for more information.

[donb_fl]

my T shots, testosterone cypionate, is prescribed for my low T state. IF you can get your husband in to a doctor, see if the can get a full hormone panel, while he may not have Low T, he might have other problems. I take it once a week and when i do, WOW, its like the sun is shining on me! Yes, its hard to build mass with low T, and the general energy level is down and depression is a side effect.

If he does have low T, then shots may or may not be needed. Most guys can just have the gel they rub on for a mild boost, I'm totally out as Ive had a bilateral Orchiectomy and no longer have the source of testosterone in me....

Thisstinks: Depo Provera or Androcur will take your drive away, but be careful, the effects of chemical castration can be bad, depression, mood swings, heat flashes, etc. Women can have low estrogen too and i find its a better solution to bring the low partner up than to shut the high partner down...

[sophisunnyb]

my husband had that problem and it was because of a drug problem. He was addicted to pain pills.

[Ms. Booty]

Prior to getting married we had sex almost  every other day for a  year. We moved in together for about 10 months without sex. We were married on the 11th month and had sex on our wedding night, and only one other time since on our one year anniversary. It is almost 2 years married in 3 months from now. Will I be a 40 year old Virgin now- except for wedding anniversaries?

[Javamama]

My husband is going to be 34 next month, I'm 36.  We've been together for 6 yrs. now & our sex life has steadily decreased to maybe 3 times a month!  It was never very high from the beginning, but no where near as low as now.  We sometimes used to have sex 2 days in a row, woohoo!  I always want sex & am always or almost always the one initiating it.  His excuses often are, "I'm too full, too tired, we just did 4 days ago, or maybe...(which means No).  He's not gay nor does he have any interest in other women & I'm 100% sure there's no one else.  He says his body just doesn't require as much sex as mine.  After months of pushing, I've finally gotten him to see his Dr. who did a testerone test.  It turned out to be 200!  They did another test & it was 400.  Regardless, it's low.  Today is Monday afternoon & his 1st shot was given last Fri, 3 days ago.  The only thing that happened was a blow out aggressive fight that day.  We had sex last night which was usual as it had been a month now.  This was nothing out of the ordinary & he said he didn't feel any different than normal.  I'm not sure if he's on 100mg or 200mg shots, but the Dr. says he needed his initial dose then another 2 weeks later, then once a month.  This seems low from what I've read?  He's 230 lbs & 6'3"  Does it go by weight?  What I'd like to know is, How long will this take!  I was hoping for some increase in his desire for frequency.  He says I should be patient with him & I'm trying, but isn't the Testerone supposed to be immediate.  I was hoping for some increase in desire.  Has anyone found that the initial dose takes awhile to work?  Does he need more?  Or more often?  He doesn't like to talk about it, so pushing isn't getting me anywhere.  Please let me know if this is something that needs to build up in his system or is this just it.  Thanks for any reply.  ~C

[donb_fl]

a month is a LONG time to go between shots, you might want to have him go to a TRT specialist... The half life of the shot is 6-10 days, by the way, in 2 weeks it is gone totally. Now, realize i went from a blood T level of 36ng/dl, which is castrate, treatment process was a 100mg shot to a 200mg shot weekly, but by the 2nd shot my libido was there and very high after the 3rd. It takes time to build... On the 1st i really didn't feel much libido surge but on that 2nd 200mg shot, i went to walmart a few hours after and i was looking at every good looking woman thinking things.. lol... I find a few hours after my shot is a good time to get with my GF now.. lol.. ;)

Aggression is a symptom that the shot is working, he needs to learn to control this, its like being a teenager again, we have to relearn how to control ourselves during this time.. Your doctor should have counseled him on this... if not, you need a better TRT doctor in my opinion..

200 is hypogonadic, 400 is mid range. Was the 200 in the afternoon? a man should see a 150 point swing during the day, a natural Menes cycle is 24 hours. With my TRT, im having a 7 day cycle, its a new experience.... The evening level should never be under 300 IMHO, i have mine raised to 800 in the morning test, day 3 (the peek of the shot), like a young man of 18...

[Elder23]

I am a 24 year old male and I feel like something inside me just snapped one day this year.  I used to be interested in sex all the time, multiple times a day and certainly 5-7 times a week, if I could get it.  I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and it used to be a problem how often I would try and solicit her for sex.  Some time in the last four months that stopped dead in its tracks.  We live together now and I cannot even kiss her.  It seems like a waste of time or that I am going to have to have sex with her even though I dont want to.  She is very attractive, at least I used to think so and it seems everyone else still does.  At first I blamed it on things she was doing, I made her stop walking around the house naked or using the bathroom with the door open (I never minded before), which did nothing.  She tries to have sex with me several times a week now and I know she is confused that I do not engage anymore.  And I think she can tell that most of the time that I am doing it I am doing it just to please her, I don't care about it anymore.  I am not on any medications and have not been for years.  I was in therapy for depression a year ago which I know treat by getting regular exercise, though I am thinking of going back now.  I feel like maybe I just dont love her that way anymore.  I don't know Our relationship is otherwise great, but I know she is going to start getting crazy, what do I do?

[Confused about HIV risk]

Maybe you're bad at it, or he's an *** (women seem to like those), or who the hell knows

[donb_fl]

get a full check out... if you need antidepressants be sure it has no negative side effect profile, it will just make you worse. Your describing exactly how i felt when I was castrate, but, I wanted the closeness and love of a relationship and that motivated me to get help.

BTW, normal male blood test for hormone diagnosis:

• Total Testosterone
• Bioavailable Testosterone (AKA “Free and Loosely Bound”)
• Free Testosterone (if Bioavailable T is unavailable)
• SHBG
• DHT
• Estradiol (specify  “ultrasensitive” assay for males)
• LH
• FSH
• Prolactin
• Cortisol
• Thyroid Panel
• CBC
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
• Lipid Profile
• PSA (if over 40)
• IGF-1 (if HGH therapy is being considered)

info:
"MY CURRENT BEST THOUGHTS ON HOW TO ADMINISTER TRT FOR MEN" --John Crisler, DO
http://www.allthingsmale.com/word_docs/TRT.doc

AACE Medical Guidelines for Clinical Practice for Evaluation and Treatment of Hypogonadism in Adult Male Patients- 2002 Update
http://www.aace.com/pub/pdf/guidelines/hypogonadism.pdf


BTW, low-T has most of the same symptom profile as depression!!!! You might find yourself suddenly undepressed if you go on a HRT regime! :)

Low T isnt the answer to every male libido problem of course, but as i study it more I'm finding it is 9/10ths of the time. Many drugs, street and prescription and otherwise have negative effects on the male hormone system, so this just makes it worse for us.

[Elder23]

Thanks a lot man.  I feel like I cant talk to anybody about this stuff.  I appreciate the advice.

[THE PIMPTRESS]

  omg- i am sooo glad that i have found all you guys!!! i have been freaking out.... my boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years now, he's 24, and i;m 21, and we have lived together practically the whole time. we used to have sex 4-7 times a day! and i loved it!!! i am a very sexual being, not a nympho, but i love to have sex with the person i love......and we haven't had sex but maybe once a month now, for like the past year and and some months!!! i am going absolutely CRAZY!!!!
I make myself look bad too, i come up with all these crazy scenerios, and come up with elaborate ways that he could be cheating on me, i thought it was me, i still think it might be ) :
He swears it's not me, he says he's still very attracted to me, but he also says that "he needs time to miss me"...because we live together...is that just an excuse?? and now he wants me to move out, and claims that he thinks it would better our relationship! i don't know what to do, i am sooo paranoid now, all i can think is that he wants to f*** other women!! and that makes me sooo depressed to think that my baby doesn't want me anymore.....
i try to stay gone all day, i am not even home, but to shower and sleep, four days outta the week! and i even stay at my girls house a couple nights outta the week, just so that he can "have time to miss me"........ but when i come home, it's always the same.....he never wants to have sex, and i am a very attractive female, and he is a very attractive man, and i know that there is plenty of woman around that would love to have him, even knowing that he has a girl friend, ESPECIALLY KNOWING HE HAS A GIRL, woman tend to want men more after they know that they are taken, and especially when they see how hott the man's girl is, because hey, if they take him from her, then they must be as hott as she is, right?... WRONG!!!! i have been cheated on by every single man i have been with, and i 'm young, but i have only had significant long term relationships, and everyone of them cheated with some nasty a**, ugly lil girl, who could no-way ever compare to me!!!!! so is it them that has the problem?!?! is it me, or is it my man??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! i love my man very very much, and would never do anything to hurt him, but he is driving me to the brink of insanity!!! and even my periods are late every month now, because i am SOOO STRESSED OUT!!
  I'M LUCKY IF I GET IT EVEN ONCE A MONTH!! AND HALF THE TIME I TRY TO GET SOME, AND HE JUST SMACKS MY HAND AWAY!!!! I FEEL LIKE HE IS THE WOMAN AND I AM THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!! i am the one who always wants to have sex, and he is the one always complaining about him being tired, or him having a headache, or he has to get up early for work, or something, it's ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!! and i don't know what to do...... should i move out??? is it possible that THAT could actually help our relationship, or is that just a way for him to have his cake and eat it too?!?!? then he would have complete autonamy to bang whoever he wants, and he wouldn't have to worry about me comming home unanounced!!!  WTF!?!??! i'm losing it.
  i am not happy, i need to be loved and hugged and kissed, i need to feel like i am wanted, and i obviously don't think that i am ) :
        HE'D RATHER WATCH PORN AND JACK IT THAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND....WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ABOUT!?!?  ALL I KNOW IS THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER, I WANT A MAN WHO WANTS ME!!!! and i know that there are plenty of them out there.............. it just sucks that the one i want the most doesn't want me, obviousely.
  I TELL YA, I NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND HOW WOMEN WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVE THEIR MEN COULD ACTUALLY CHEAT ON THEM, BUT, THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH ME, AND WANT TO PLEASE ME, AND NOT JUST DO IT BECAUSE HE FEELS OBLIGATED TO, IS DEFFINATELY APPEALING TO ME LATELY!!!!!!
      i just wish that he will come back around, and that it will work, i don't want to leave an otherwise great relationship just because i am not getting laid!  but i am deffinately not happy when i can't even turn my man on........................... regretfully so,
                                                         the pimptress, N.P.

[Xhost]

Well, new contributor here, so I will lay out my thoughts as clearly and concisely as possible. Hope they are worth something to someone.

First, it seems that in this thread we have people coming at the problem from both sides. Some are in the camp that want sex, but cannot seem to get their spouse to have it with them. On the other side, we have people who are not so into sex anymore, and fear that their SOs or spouses are eventually going to get fed up and leave.

We're all human, we want to know that the person that we are with loves us (this is the big one), but also desires us. I have a mother who loves me very much, and it feels good. But a large component of any relationship between girlfriend/boyfriend of husband/wife is sexual. Sure, some couples are perfectly happy never having sex. If so, good for them. But a vast majority of us not only like sex, we need it. No, I don't mean in a physiological sense. I mean that there is a huge emotional component between men and women who love on another - it fulfills some basic emotional need, much like love, or rather, a supplement to love.

When I have sex with someone I truly love, it feels a lot different than the average one night stand. There's something there, some intangible quality, that's just missing during a one off sexual escapade. It's more fulfilling, and, I will go so far as to say, more affirming on some basic level. There is the physical component, that, glad to say, never gets old. But there is also that affirmation that, yes, someone not only loves me, they want me. And that feels good.

I suppose that there are any number of reasons that a couple may stop having sex on a regular basis. Stress, work schedules, children, money, etc, etc, etc. The problem comes in when the sex drives of the couple become incompatible. She wants it, he doesn't. He wants it, she has a headache. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship is now not having a basic need met - feeling desired. The other, more than likely, feels the pressure that comes along with being unable to satisfy his or her SO. Let that simmer long enough and there is bound to be trouble eventually.

The trick is being able to be open and honest, with each other and with ourselves. And there's the rub. It is a cliche, of course, but also a basic truth: communication and honesty are the keys to any successful relationship. Once those go out the window, how much longer will the relationship last? Problem is, when there is an issue, you cannot force your partner to do a thorough and complete self analysis and then remedy whatever the problem might be. The lucky ones love someone who is able to engage willingly in that type of soul searching. Others aren't so lucky.

Perhaps it would help, no matter on which side of the issue you find yourself, to think of the issue in a different way. Sure, it is tangentially about sex - the lack of it, to be sure. But is that what it's really about? I may be stating the obvious, but it seems to me to be much more of an emotional issue (barring any type of medical problem, of course). As in, why are my needs not being met, or, why can't I seem to meet the needs of the person I am with? That might be a good starting point down what may turn out to be a long road to self discovery.

Of course, it is quite possible that the person you are with just has a different sex drive. Perhaps the person always wanted sex once a month and no more. In that case, you either learn to adjust or find different options, I guess. But, that doesn't seem to be case with a majority of posters to this thread.

Arg, this post is much longer than I had anticipated, so I'll end it here.

Take care!

[Umberlee]

My husband never wants to have sex...but it isn't because of poor drive on either side.

As far as I know, I am the only person with the problem I have...at least that I can find...

Six and a half years ago I had my last orgasm from sex.  It was when I was pregnant with my first child and following the last trimester and vaginal birth, I have never been able to reach orgasm from sex again, or for that matter, from any vaginal stimulation.  NEVER!!!  My husband has a hugely overactive sex drive.  I have always had a huge sex drive too, but because I can't climax during sex and because I don't feel good to him during sex, he obviously is not very interested in having traditional sex with me.  We still fool around a lot and do oral or manual acts but it just isn't the same.  

I miss having an orgasm with my partner inside me soooo much.  I've tried all kinds of crazy things to help and nothing has worked.  Kegels, sex toys during sex (too distracting), self-hypnotism, and there is even a surgery I'm considering that would put me out $10,000 and with my luck I still wouldn't be able to have an orgasm anyway, or would just get stretched out again.  It's so depressing.  

It's getting to the point now where I feel like a lesbian because my partner never wants to penetrate me.  It's partly my fault because our encounters have been so frustrating or embarrassing (he loses interest or loses his erection when it doesn't seem like I'm building up in sexual excitement, which I don't) that we just never do it anymore.  So I've started turning him down because I don't want to feel let down.  I'm also an active "fantasizer" but lately I can only seem to think about horrible, awkward encounters we've had and it just wrecks the mood.

We only have "traditional" sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and I'm lucky if he is able to climax once a month inside me.  It's so humiliating.  I feel so broken.  It's unfair that we both have healthy sexual appetites but I'm too "broken" to be a good sex partner.

[InstigatorGIRL]

Hi. I just found this site and I am finding similarities between u guys and me. I am a 20 yr old female who has been with my fiance for 1 yr and 3 months. We use to have sex every other day, I loved it but then we moved in together and now its maybe 2 a week to less. He looks at over 50 porn sites every other day, but he never wants to have sex with me and I'm always the one wanting it but it response, "I'm sorry I don't feel like it." about 9 times out of 10 I'm turned down. I have been turned down a lot in my time and I can't stand that a man I am marrying is rejecting me every time I want him. I'm getting to the point where I want to go our separate ways so I can find someone who wants to rip my clothes off and pleasure me. I love this man but he always put his needs before mine.I even caught him talking to other women on that myspace. I'm thinking that it would be best to split up, he say he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his actions are speaking louder than this words u know? I need advice fast. I don't see if hes so attracted to me how he can look at porn more than have sex with me. Obviously the attraction is not there. so I'm starting to think about other men. I just don't know what to do. Please help...