My Husband Never Wants To Have Sex!

[Women Seeking Answers]

I am 24 and my husband is 25.  We have been together for 8 years and married for 6.  We are both healthy and have a 9 month old daughter. My problem started about 7 years ago when it seemed like my husband never wanted to have sex.  Then after a while it seemed like I was always initiating it and getting turned down!  He just shrugs it off and thinks that I being funny and laughs!  Mean while I feel rejected and depressed.  I didn't say anything for a while I pretty much let it build up for a while and then one night I had to much to drink and decided to bring up the issue.  He didn't seem to think that anything was wrong with our sex life and couldn't believe that's what I was mad about! I asked him if there was something wrong with me he said no.  Then I asked him if there was something wrong with him he said he doesn't think so.  I suggested that he gets checked out to see if somethings wrong since he assured me that it wasn't me.  Need less to say he never did and we have had about 4 or 5 more huge blow outs since then!  Nothing seems to change so I don't even bring it up anymore!  I don't understand it though because he is very affectionate. We are still young and I think we should be having sex more than once a month!  He thinks that its not that big of a deal.  I don't know what else to do!!??  He obviously is interested in sex because I find porn on our computer.  I also expressed to him that makes me feel like total S*IT to know that you looking at that **** but don't want to have sex with me!!  Again....I'm overexagerating!!  I'm starting to think that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life! It's making me paranoid that he is cheating, so now I'm checking our cell phone bills and always watching what he does (when I can) and I don't want to be that person who is jealous but I cant help it.  What do I do?

[bewildered57]

Well am I glad to know I'm not the only one with a man like this!  I've been with him for 25 years and there's not much physical intimacy in this relationship.  I was pregnant when we got married, so he bowed out of sex saying he was afraid of hurting me.  We have had good sex - when we have it.  I had sex and physical intimacy more frequently in prior relationships.  Not only does my husband have little interest in sex, he won't even snuggle in bed.  For the past year I moved into the guest room because I'm tired of feeling lonely lying next to him.  I feel less lonely when I'm alone.  I don't know the reasons he acts the way he does.  I know he masturbates in the shower and once I came home unexpectedly and found him masturbating on the couch to naked pictures he'd taken of me.  Maybe he's the type that prefers anonymous sex vs intimacy.  I even wonder if he's gay.  I asked him once and he didn't respond.  His father and mother seemed to have a decent relationship, but she told me once how his father hated women in general.  I think some of those attitudes filtered down to my husband so I wonder if withholding sex is a way to be in control.  
I've come close to having an affair a time or two because of my loneliness.  When I was on anti-depressants for a few years I had no sex drive so it didn't bother me so much.  I've dragged him to marriage counseling more times than I care to admit.  It never had lasting results because he only conformed while being held accountable.  Once counseling ended, he reverted back to his old ways.  He's a stubborn, self-centered man when it comes to relationships - he has no desire to improve our relationship.  He sits and watches TV and acts as if marriage and parenting as spectator sports.  After spending this much time together - for the sake of the children, who are now grown - I'm torn between getting the hell out vs. the old adage of "better the devil you know, than the one you don't."
To you younger people on this posting, I offer this.  Unless your man feels its a problem for him, he will never change or take action to make lasting changes.  Choose your priorities now, or you'll be sleeping in the guest room like me after 25 years.

[Javamama]

All you can do is change YOU.  Work on yourself right now.  Outside of a relationship, what makes you happy?  A friend, reading, movies, cooking, activities?  A pain in the butt, but exercising makes you healthier, feel good and a great stress reliever.  Do activities that make you feel good about yourself.  

You already know how highly addictive pain med's are...a temporary escape which makes you feel guilty afterwards, thus you take more...a vicious cycle.  I take Perc. occas. for a medical cond. so I know how easy it would be to cross that line, things are bad today, I deserve it.  Work on this before you tackle the relationship issue.  Do you have a friend that you can lean on for support through all this?  

As women, we often try to blame ourselves as it's what WE can control.  It's NOT your fault!  It's not because you think you're too this or too that.  You shouldn't have to try so hard to get his attention with perfect hair, make up, clothes, etc..  You shouldn't have to do everything he says or sacrifice who you are to get his attention. Doing nice things is wonderful, but not if you're trying to get something in return.  It's nice to look good for your guy, but not as a way to get him to need you.  And if that's the case, he's not a keeper.  You are good enough & deep down you know it's not you.  My situation (written in previous questions above) are regarding my husband's lack of sex drive.  The more I complain or get pissed the more he withdraws, thus I get even less.    

I'm no expert, but it seems as if far more is happening with your x that has nothing to do with you.  It could be so many things...stress, depression, addiction, med's (pain pills kill the sex drive & depress you too), an imbalance in hormones or something medical.  Your x may have some inner turmoil he's trying to deal with.  Maybe it is his sexual preference, but I cannot speculate on that, nor can I tell you how to find out.            

Just know woman to woman, It's not you!  Carry on with your life and try and be happy.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  He has to work through whatever he is battling.  If he continues to believe nothing is wrong, what is he to fix?  Only he can change himself.

I don't think 6+ years is a waste.  Haven't you learned a lot?...what you do & don't want for your future?  I spent 13 years with the same guy in abusive relationship.  A lot of resentment, but I am thankful for what I learned.  I found out what I wanted & needed for my future.  Keep writing!   ~ C

[shadowallikatt]

I cannot believe I am here and clueless where to start. I am a 39yr old F and have just broke up with my boyfriend again after 6.5 yrs. We broke up several times throughout the relationship, 3 times for 3months. I dont know if my ex has a real medical problem or a closet problem. I almost lean torwads not gay but at this point I feel like I dont know anything. I am a very sexual passionate person who has to ask for sex just to get shot down or answered to "yes" and it never happen. I walk on eggshells thinking how will I approach him, what will I say. We never have make-up sex, we may do it 3-4 times a year. Im sick of this, I cannot keep beating myself up thinking something is wrong with me, I gained 50lbs out of emotional eating which I'm sure doesnt help me at all. But if it is the fat thing then why does he get back with me? So unhappy I cannot be with the one I love because he will not have sex with me, we fight about it and end up over. He says nothing is wrong with him and its the pills. He takes pain meds but our problem started before he was taking meds. If you love your partner you will have sex with them because it makes them happy but I can tell you that even when my ex had sex with me and I knew he didnt want to it sucked anyway so stressed through the whole thing I can never have an orgasim. Then theres the gay possibility, ehhhhhh help.
Why me? How can I just find out the truth. I have asked but he only got mad and says of course not. I can never ask now because he would just blow up. He has this thing about dressing everything has to be neat and perfect, ok so hes in touch with his feminine side right? I know he likes looking at women, even 2 women having sex together like on porn dvds, what does that mean? I catch him looking at other woman and I have become so jealous because why does he want to loook at anybody esle but me? I'm right here but nothing I do ever got his attention, no matter how nice I dress, or not dress, very little clothes, sexy things, hair, makeup...nothing works. I can be as sweet as he wants, do everything he wants and sacrifice so much but nothing. Even on my birthday he couldnt have sex with me. So we are done for now....I dont want to go  back because I know what I'm getting or should I say what Im not getting. 6.5 years down the drain...I had always hoped it would change...If I have been with a gay guy all this time I will be so &%$$#@@ pissed off. I think I have a right to know...I think his friends are the same..closet...I dont trust him around men or women..I am depressed and sick over this. I have hit rock bottom, all I do is take pain meds myself which is a whole other topic in itself. I feel like I lost everything. I'm sorry for rambling, thanks for letting there be a place like this to just express and see that we are not alone. Thanks

[BStrong]

That's a very cute name you have chosen, “I like!” :)
I think that there might be some ideas that I could share with you that hopefully you'll find helpful and possibly these ideas will also be helpful to some of the other's as well.

I agree with you about there being similarities and I have recently been coming across a lot of mention about Internet porn, excessive for some. The awful feelings that you're coping  with  are definitely not uncommon and it is important to find ways of expressing your feelings where other's relate. But you wrote that you are fairly sure that he has stopped and/or it is a lot less frequent then when you had been aware of him choosing to do  that. Maybe he did realize how much it was hurting you.

Are either of you taking an antidepressant medication?
All SSRI's demolish sexual desire and cause all variations of sexual dysfunction as I am sure you are aware. SSRI's will affect a mans sexual performance in some of the rudest of ways and can cause for potentially harming his confidence even if the medication isn't taken any longer. Antidepressant medication sometimes causes persistent sexual side effects even once the meds. Are no longer taken and what is scarier is that sometimes these sexual side effect have been known to be indefinite. (This condition is called Post SSRI sexual Dysfunction - PSSD) If it is that either or both of you are taking an SSRI there maybe awful withdrawal symptoms that can be long lasting. There is a web site that is very  informative and helpful that provides a tapering schedule that is unique to the medication your are discontinuing. Incase you may find this information helpful at some point – www.theroadback.org

Does your husband exercise regularly?
Do you ever exercise together in anyway – biking – hiking - etc?
If he does not exercise regularly what exercise might he be getting with his daily routine or by any other means?

Could it apply that he may be very displeased, unhappy thus self conscious of his current body image since having put on weight?

How do you currently feel about your body image?
What is your opinion of his current body image?
What do you guess would be his current opinion of your body image?

How long into your 7 year marriage do you remember beginning to gain weight?
His?

When do you recall it was that your sexual relations began to change in any way over the course of your seven year marriage?          

If it is so that your husband had his testosterone levels checked and they were of normal range it is not wise to encourage him to take testosterone treatments.
(If you could find a doctor who would prescribe such a treatment)
Hormone replacement therapy is a bit of a risky business even for men who need it . Hormone therapy for men does not have the history as hormone replacement therapy in women. There is evidence that testosterone therapy is linked to prostate cancer.
Your husband is too young to be needing to take such a risk, “ in my opinion.”
Regarding counseling if he is not willing to see a sex therapist right now then maybe he would be willing to go to couples  therapy. Your relationship could really benefit from improving   your communication skills. So you can both have the opportunity to learn ways to say what you need to say in a way that the other can hear it.
Men see the world entirely different then women and difficulties communicating is completely natural for couples to have incredible struggles with this.
There are also many resources you can find online to give you some helpful strategies for effective communication.
It could be a quick way for you to begin doing better right away.

It seems to me that your husband might be stuck in a quandary because he is overwhelmed with how it is that he can make you happy. When a man loves his woman there is nothing greater then him knowing he's made you happy and the flip side of that coin is not at all good. Because when your husband can no longer find the ways to brighten your eyes and cause for smile he feels like a failure and that isn't a good feeling for women either but it is terrible way for a man to feel.

Try to understand the very best you can to understand that your husband is not trying to hurt you by withholding sex or rejecting you. He just might have a very unfortunate situation with having no way to control or change that things aren't cooperating. Believe me if you are unpredictable angry explosion waiting to happen he is going to fear you making worse of the situation that is already no good for him. (If this so be the case.) He is not rejecting you not in anyway he is just in a awful position of afraid of you becoming explosive and reactive. And criticizing him when he wouldn't have anyway to change the circumstance if it were to occur - thus not being able to keep an erection. Do your best to control your anger with believing in the love your husband has for you and with knowing he wants so badly for you to be happy. He really may not seem so, but he is honestly doing all he currently knows how to just to see you smile.
There is no way your current attack method is ever going to be effective with improving your relationship. Do your best to focus on who you can change “you” and try to be calm for you and him.
Never lose sight of all the love that he has for you.
7 years you two have shared don't allow the significance of the  gift you have been given with having a partner to go through life with slip away.
Never give up, Never give in, Just choose to win! ©    
BStrong

[Byondfrstrjn]

I am in the same boat as Llamatibut and many others.  I, too, would like to know the same thing Ohmymy asked:  Does anyone have any positive results to share?  I am 37, my husband of 7 years is 34.  We have been going through this also, since right after we got married.  Before that, he couldn't keep his hands off me, he was always full of physical attention for me....Now, all I can ever think about is when is this ever going to change?  I have asked my husband to go to a sex therapist with me and he refuses.  I understand all of the aspects that would cause him to say no but without him, I think I would look pretty stupid going by myself and that wouldn't accomplish anything anyway because he is the one that doesn't ever want to have sex, not me!  I try so hard to be understanding and then I feel so resentful when I think of the times that he had opportunity but, instead, wanted to go out and do something with friends (he takes me with him and then says he spent time with me).  I have come to realize that he doesn't think of sex as being as important as I do; however, when I tell him that it hurts me, I don't understand how he can continue without making any changes to better the situation.  There are a lot of women on here with the same problem and I can't believe down to the exact specific details.  For example, my husband makes the excuses I have heard others say and we only have sex 1, 2, or 3 times a month and it is always a couple of days after I have the "talk" that someone else mentioned also... It is really eery that the details are exact compared to what so many others are saying in their posts - I think the porn finally stopped when I almost had a nervous breakdown I think he realized how much that hurt me - at least from what I can tell I think it has stopped - I know he isn't cheating on me and I would never him either - So, why hasn't someone told us what to do yet???  For me, and I am presuming everyone else, it is hard to fix something when you don't know what it is.  My husband had all the tests run and the doctor told us that all of the labs on the panel were normal.  My husband thinks he doesn't need to go to a doctor again.  He thinks all he needs to do is exercise.  We are both about 20-30 lbs overweight - the average American - but where I am very active otherwise, my husband drives a truck all day, comes home, eats supper, lays on the couch watching tv for an a bit (no more than an hour usually) and goes to bed.  I know his routine like a clock.  What can I do to help him change the routine to include more sex????????  Someone please give some advice that will help!

[donb_fl]

libido is almost always tied to hormone levels. TRT specilists are generaly GPs who have taken mens health as their specility. Yes the often do fertility too. Look in your yellow pages and normaly they have the specility on their add, or goto www.allthingsmale.com and ask their doctor for a referal.