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My Husband Never Wants To Have Sex!
I am 24 and my husband is 25. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. We are both healthy and have a 9 month old daughter. My problem started about 7 years ago when it seemed like my husband never wanted to have sex. Then after a while it seemed like I was always initiating it and getting turned down! He just shrugs it off and thinks that I being funny and laughs! Mean while I feel rejected and depressed. I didn't say anything for a while I pretty much let it build up for a while and then one night I had to much to drink and decided to bring up the issue. He didn't seem to think that anything was wrong with our sex life and couldn't believe that's what I was mad about! I asked him if there was something wrong with me he said no. Then I asked him if there was something wrong with him he said he doesn't think so. I suggested that he gets checked out to see if somethings wrong since he assured me that it wasn't me. Need less to say he never did and we have had about 4 or 5 more huge blow outs since then! Nothing seems to change so I don't even bring it up anymore! I don't understand it though because he is very affectionate. We are still young and I think we should be having sex more than once a month! He thinks that its not that big of a deal. I don't know what else to do!!?? He obviously is interested in sex because I find porn on our computer. I also expressed to him that makes me feel like total S*IT to know that you looking at that **** but don't want to have sex with me!! Again....I'm overexagerating!! I'm starting to think that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life! It's making me paranoid that he is cheating, so now I'm checking our cell phone bills and always watching what he does (when I can) and I don't want to be that person who is jealous but I cant help it. What do I do?
My husband never wants to have sex...but it isn't because of poor drive on either side.
As far as I know, I am the only person with the problem I have...at least that I can find...
Six and a half years ago I had my last orgasm from sex. It was when I was pregnant with my first child and following the last trimester and vaginal birth, I have never been able to reach orgasm from sex again, or for that matter, from any vaginal stimulation. NEVER!!! My husband has a hugely overactive sex drive. I have always had a huge sex drive too, but because I can't climax during sex and because I don't feel good to him during sex, he obviously is not very interested in having traditional sex with me. We still fool around a lot and do oral or manual acts but it just isn't the same.
I miss having an orgasm with my partner inside me soooo much. I've tried all kinds of crazy things to help and nothing has worked. Kegels, sex toys during sex (too distracting), self-hypnotism, and there is even a surgery I'm considering that would put me out $10,000 and with my luck I still wouldn't be able to have an orgasm anyway, or would just get stretched out again. It's so depressing.
It's getting to the point now where I feel like a lesbian because my partner never wants to penetrate me. It's partly my fault because our encounters have been so frustrating or embarrassing (he loses interest or loses his erection when it doesn't seem like I'm building up in sexual excitement, which I don't) that we just never do it anymore. So I've started turning him down because I don't want to feel let down. I'm also an active "fantasizer" but lately I can only seem to think about horrible, awkward encounters we've had and it just wrecks the mood.
We only have "traditional" sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and I'm lucky if he is able to climax once a month inside me. It's so humiliating. I feel so broken. It's unfair that we both have healthy sexual appetites but I'm too "broken" to be a good sex partner.
As far as I know, I am the only person with the problem I have...at least that I can find...
Six and a half years ago I had my last orgasm from sex. It was when I was pregnant with my first child and following the last trimester and vaginal birth, I have never been able to reach orgasm from sex again, or for that matter, from any vaginal stimulation. NEVER!!! My husband has a hugely overactive sex drive. I have always had a huge sex drive too, but because I can't climax during sex and because I don't feel good to him during sex, he obviously is not very interested in having traditional sex with me. We still fool around a lot and do oral or manual acts but it just isn't the same.
I miss having an orgasm with my partner inside me soooo much. I've tried all kinds of crazy things to help and nothing has worked. Kegels, sex toys during sex (too distracting), self-hypnotism, and there is even a surgery I'm considering that would put me out $10,000 and with my luck I still wouldn't be able to have an orgasm anyway, or would just get stretched out again. It's so depressing.
It's getting to the point now where I feel like a lesbian because my partner never wants to penetrate me. It's partly my fault because our encounters have been so frustrating or embarrassing (he loses interest or loses his erection when it doesn't seem like I'm building up in sexual excitement, which I don't) that we just never do it anymore. So I've started turning him down because I don't want to feel let down. I'm also an active "fantasizer" but lately I can only seem to think about horrible, awkward encounters we've had and it just wrecks the mood.
We only have "traditional" sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and I'm lucky if he is able to climax once a month inside me. It's so humiliating. I feel so broken. It's unfair that we both have healthy sexual appetites but I'm too "broken" to be a good sex partner.
Well, new contributor here, so I will lay out my thoughts as clearly and concisely as possible. Hope they are worth something to someone.
First, it seems that in this thread we have people coming at the problem from both sides. Some are in the camp that want sex, but cannot seem to get their spouse to have it with them. On the other side, we have people who are not so into sex anymore, and fear that their SOs or spouses are eventually going to get fed up and leave.
We're all human, we want to know that the person that we are with loves us (this is the big one), but also desires us. I have a mother who loves me very much, and it feels good. But a large component of any relationship between girlfriend/boyfriend of husband/wife is sexual. Sure, some couples are perfectly happy never having sex. If so, good for them. But a vast majority of us not only like sex, we need it. No, I don't mean in a physiological sense. I mean that there is a huge emotional component between men and women who love on another - it fulfills some basic emotional need, much like love, or rather, a supplement to love.
When I have sex with someone I truly love, it feels a lot different than the average one night stand. There's something there, some intangible quality, that's just missing during a one off sexual escapade. It's more fulfilling, and, I will go so far as to say, more affirming on some basic level. There is the physical component, that, glad to say, never gets old. But there is also that affirmation that, yes, someone not only loves me, they want me. And that feels good.
I suppose that there are any number of reasons that a couple may stop having sex on a regular basis. Stress, work schedules, children, money, etc, etc, etc. The problem comes in when the sex drives of the couple become incompatible. She wants it, he doesn't. He wants it, she has a headache. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship is now not having a basic need met - feeling desired. The other, more than likely, feels the pressure that comes along with being unable to satisfy his or her SO. Let that simmer long enough and there is bound to be trouble eventually.
The trick is being able to be open and honest, with each other and with ourselves. And there's the rub. It is a cliche, of course, but also a basic truth: communication and honesty are the keys to any successful relationship. Once those go out the window, how much longer will the relationship last? Problem is, when there is an issue, you cannot force your partner to do a thorough and complete self analysis and then remedy whatever the problem might be. The lucky ones love someone who is able to engage willingly in that type of soul searching. Others aren't so lucky.
Perhaps it would help, no matter on which side of the issue you find yourself, to think of the issue in a different way. Sure, it is tangentially about sex - the lack of it, to be sure. But is that what it's really about? I may be stating the obvious, but it seems to me to be much more of an emotional issue (barring any type of medical problem, of course). As in, why are my needs not being met, or, why can't I seem to meet the needs of the person I am with? That might be a good starting point down what may turn out to be a long road to self discovery.
Of course, it is quite possible that the person you are with just has a different sex drive. Perhaps the person always wanted sex once a month and no more. In that case, you either learn to adjust or find different options, I guess. But, that doesn't seem to be case with a majority of posters to this thread.
Arg, this post is much longer than I had anticipated, so I'll end it here.
Take care!
First, it seems that in this thread we have people coming at the problem from both sides. Some are in the camp that want sex, but cannot seem to get their spouse to have it with them. On the other side, we have people who are not so into sex anymore, and fear that their SOs or spouses are eventually going to get fed up and leave.
We're all human, we want to know that the person that we are with loves us (this is the big one), but also desires us. I have a mother who loves me very much, and it feels good. But a large component of any relationship between girlfriend/boyfriend of husband/wife is sexual. Sure, some couples are perfectly happy never having sex. If so, good for them. But a vast majority of us not only like sex, we need it. No, I don't mean in a physiological sense. I mean that there is a huge emotional component between men and women who love on another - it fulfills some basic emotional need, much like love, or rather, a supplement to love.
When I have sex with someone I truly love, it feels a lot different than the average one night stand. There's something there, some intangible quality, that's just missing during a one off sexual escapade. It's more fulfilling, and, I will go so far as to say, more affirming on some basic level. There is the physical component, that, glad to say, never gets old. But there is also that affirmation that, yes, someone not only loves me, they want me. And that feels good.
I suppose that there are any number of reasons that a couple may stop having sex on a regular basis. Stress, work schedules, children, money, etc, etc, etc. The problem comes in when the sex drives of the couple become incompatible. She wants it, he doesn't. He wants it, she has a headache. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship is now not having a basic need met - feeling desired. The other, more than likely, feels the pressure that comes along with being unable to satisfy his or her SO. Let that simmer long enough and there is bound to be trouble eventually.
The trick is being able to be open and honest, with each other and with ourselves. And there's the rub. It is a cliche, of course, but also a basic truth: communication and honesty are the keys to any successful relationship. Once those go out the window, how much longer will the relationship last? Problem is, when there is an issue, you cannot force your partner to do a thorough and complete self analysis and then remedy whatever the problem might be. The lucky ones love someone who is able to engage willingly in that type of soul searching. Others aren't so lucky.
Perhaps it would help, no matter on which side of the issue you find yourself, to think of the issue in a different way. Sure, it is tangentially about sex - the lack of it, to be sure. But is that what it's really about? I may be stating the obvious, but it seems to me to be much more of an emotional issue (barring any type of medical problem, of course). As in, why are my needs not being met, or, why can't I seem to meet the needs of the person I am with? That might be a good starting point down what may turn out to be a long road to self discovery.
Of course, it is quite possible that the person you are with just has a different sex drive. Perhaps the person always wanted sex once a month and no more. In that case, you either learn to adjust or find different options, I guess. But, that doesn't seem to be case with a majority of posters to this thread.
Arg, this post is much longer than I had anticipated, so I'll end it here.
Take care!
omg- i am sooo glad that i have found all you guys!!! i have been freaking out.... my boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years now, he's 24, and i;m 21, and we have lived together practically the whole time. we used to have sex 4-7 times a day! and i loved it!!! i am a very sexual being, not a nympho, but i love to have sex with the person i love......and we haven't had sex but maybe once a month now, for like the past year and and some months!!! i am going absolutely CRAZY!!!!
I make myself look bad too, i come up with all these crazy scenerios, and come up with elaborate ways that he could be cheating on me, i thought it was me, i still think it might be ) :
He swears it's not me, he says he's still very attracted to me, but he also says that "he needs time to miss me"...because we live together...is that just an excuse?? and now he wants me to move out, and claims that he thinks it would better our relationship! i don't know what to do, i am sooo paranoid now, all i can think is that he wants to f*** other women!! and that makes me sooo depressed to think that my baby doesn't want me anymore.....
i try to stay gone all day, i am not even home, but to shower and sleep, four days outta the week! and i even stay at my girls house a couple nights outta the week, just so that he can "have time to miss me"........ but when i come home, it's always the same.....he never wants to have sex, and i am a very attractive female, and he is a very attractive man, and i know that there is plenty of woman around that would love to have him, even knowing that he has a girl friend, ESPECIALLY KNOWING HE HAS A GIRL, woman tend to want men more after they know that they are taken, and especially when they see how hott the man's girl is, because hey, if they take him from her, then they must be as hott as she is, right?... WRONG!!!! i have been cheated on by every single man i have been with, and i 'm young, but i have only had significant long term relationships, and everyone of them cheated with some nasty a**, ugly lil girl, who could no-way ever compare to me!!!!! so is it them that has the problem?!?! is it me, or is it my man??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! i love my man very very much, and would never do anything to hurt him, but he is driving me to the brink of insanity!!! and even my periods are late every month now, because i am SOOO STRESSED OUT!!
I'M LUCKY IF I GET IT EVEN ONCE A MONTH!! AND HALF THE TIME I TRY TO GET SOME, AND HE JUST SMACKS MY HAND AWAY!!!! I FEEL LIKE HE IS THE WOMAN AND I AM THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!! i am the one who always wants to have sex, and he is the one always complaining about him being tired, or him having a headache, or he has to get up early for work, or something, it's ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!! and i don't know what to do...... should i move out??? is it possible that THAT could actually help our relationship, or is that just a way for him to have his cake and eat it too?!?!? then he would have complete autonamy to bang whoever he wants, and he wouldn't have to worry about me comming home unanounced!!! WTF!?!??! i'm losing it.
i am not happy, i need to be loved and hugged and kissed, i need to feel like i am wanted, and i obviously don't think that i am ) :
HE'D RATHER WATCH PORN AND JACK IT THAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND....WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ABOUT!?!? ALL I KNOW IS THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER, I WANT A MAN WHO WANTS ME!!!! and i know that there are plenty of them out there.............. it just sucks that the one i want the most doesn't want me, obviousely.
I TELL YA, I NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND HOW WOMEN WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVE THEIR MEN COULD ACTUALLY CHEAT ON THEM, BUT, THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH ME, AND WANT TO PLEASE ME, AND NOT JUST DO IT BECAUSE HE FEELS OBLIGATED TO, IS DEFFINATELY APPEALING TO ME LATELY!!!!!!
i just wish that he will come back around, and that it will work, i don't want to leave an otherwise great relationship just because i am not getting laid! but i am deffinately not happy when i can't even turn my man on........................... regretfully so,
the pimptress, N.P.
I make myself look bad too, i come up with all these crazy scenerios, and come up with elaborate ways that he could be cheating on me, i thought it was me, i still think it might be ) :
He swears it's not me, he says he's still very attracted to me, but he also says that "he needs time to miss me"...because we live together...is that just an excuse?? and now he wants me to move out, and claims that he thinks it would better our relationship! i don't know what to do, i am sooo paranoid now, all i can think is that he wants to f*** other women!! and that makes me sooo depressed to think that my baby doesn't want me anymore.....
i try to stay gone all day, i am not even home, but to shower and sleep, four days outta the week! and i even stay at my girls house a couple nights outta the week, just so that he can "have time to miss me"........ but when i come home, it's always the same.....he never wants to have sex, and i am a very attractive female, and he is a very attractive man, and i know that there is plenty of woman around that would love to have him, even knowing that he has a girl friend, ESPECIALLY KNOWING HE HAS A GIRL, woman tend to want men more after they know that they are taken, and especially when they see how hott the man's girl is, because hey, if they take him from her, then they must be as hott as she is, right?... WRONG!!!! i have been cheated on by every single man i have been with, and i 'm young, but i have only had significant long term relationships, and everyone of them cheated with some nasty a**, ugly lil girl, who could no-way ever compare to me!!!!! so is it them that has the problem?!?! is it me, or is it my man??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! i love my man very very much, and would never do anything to hurt him, but he is driving me to the brink of insanity!!! and even my periods are late every month now, because i am SOOO STRESSED OUT!!
I'M LUCKY IF I GET IT EVEN ONCE A MONTH!! AND HALF THE TIME I TRY TO GET SOME, AND HE JUST SMACKS MY HAND AWAY!!!! I FEEL LIKE HE IS THE WOMAN AND I AM THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!! i am the one who always wants to have sex, and he is the one always complaining about him being tired, or him having a headache, or he has to get up early for work, or something, it's ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!! and i don't know what to do...... should i move out??? is it possible that THAT could actually help our relationship, or is that just a way for him to have his cake and eat it too?!?!? then he would have complete autonamy to bang whoever he wants, and he wouldn't have to worry about me comming home unanounced!!! WTF!?!??! i'm losing it.
i am not happy, i need to be loved and hugged and kissed, i need to feel like i am wanted, and i obviously don't think that i am ) :
HE'D RATHER WATCH PORN AND JACK IT THAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND....WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ABOUT!?!? ALL I KNOW IS THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER, I WANT A MAN WHO WANTS ME!!!! and i know that there are plenty of them out there.............. it just sucks that the one i want the most doesn't want me, obviousely.
I TELL YA, I NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND HOW WOMEN WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVE THEIR MEN COULD ACTUALLY CHEAT ON THEM, BUT, THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH ME, AND WANT TO PLEASE ME, AND NOT JUST DO IT BECAUSE HE FEELS OBLIGATED TO, IS DEFFINATELY APPEALING TO ME LATELY!!!!!!
i just wish that he will come back around, and that it will work, i don't want to leave an otherwise great relationship just because i am not getting laid! but i am deffinately not happy when i can't even turn my man on........................... regretfully so,
the pimptress, N.P.
Thanks a lot man. I feel like I cant talk to anybody about this stuff. I appreciate the advice.
get a full check out... if you need antidepressants be sure it has no negative side effect profile, it will just make you worse. Your describing exactly how i felt when I was castrate, but, I wanted the closeness and love of a relationship and that motivated me to get help.
BTW, normal male blood test for hormone diagnosis:
• Total Testosterone
• Bioavailable Testosterone (AKA “Free and Loosely Bound”)
• Free Testosterone (if Bioavailable T is unavailable)
• SHBG
• DHT
• Estradiol (specify “ultrasensitive” assay for males)
• LH
• FSH
• Prolactin
• Cortisol
• Thyroid Panel
• CBC
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
• Lipid Profile
• PSA (if over 40)
• IGF-1 (if HGH therapy is being considered)
info:
"MY CURRENT BEST THOUGHTS ON HOW TO ADMINISTER TRT FOR MEN" --John Crisler, DO
http://www.allthingsmale.com/word_docs/TRT.doc
AACE Medical Guidelines for Clinical Practice for Evaluation and Treatment of Hypogonadism in Adult Male Patients- 2002 Update
http://www.aace.com/pub/pdf/guidelines/hypogonadism.pdf
BTW, low-T has most of the same symptom profile as depression!!!! You might find yourself suddenly undepressed if you go on a HRT regime! :)
Low T isnt the answer to every male libido problem of course, but as i study it more I'm finding it is 9/10ths of the time. Many drugs, street and prescription and otherwise have negative effects on the male hormone system, so this just makes it worse for us.
BTW, normal male blood test for hormone diagnosis:
• Total Testosterone
• Bioavailable Testosterone (AKA “Free and Loosely Bound”)
• Free Testosterone (if Bioavailable T is unavailable)
• SHBG
• DHT
• Estradiol (specify “ultrasensitive” assay for males)
• LH
• FSH
• Prolactin
• Cortisol
• Thyroid Panel
• CBC
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
• Lipid Profile
• PSA (if over 40)
• IGF-1 (if HGH therapy is being considered)
info:
"MY CURRENT BEST THOUGHTS ON HOW TO ADMINISTER TRT FOR MEN" --John Crisler, DO
http://www.allthingsmale.com/word_docs/TRT.doc
AACE Medical Guidelines for Clinical Practice for Evaluation and Treatment of Hypogonadism in Adult Male Patients- 2002 Update
http://www.aace.com/pub/pdf/guidelines/hypogonadism.pdf
BTW, low-T has most of the same symptom profile as depression!!!! You might find yourself suddenly undepressed if you go on a HRT regime! :)
Low T isnt the answer to every male libido problem of course, but as i study it more I'm finding it is 9/10ths of the time. Many drugs, street and prescription and otherwise have negative effects on the male hormone system, so this just makes it worse for us.
Maybe you're bad at it, or he's an *** (women seem to like those), or who the hell knows
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
