On-line relationship results in confusion

[barn babe]

I met a man on-line in January. I am 47, he is 46. We have corresponded by phone and email regularly, exchanging photographs, since that time. We finally met in person this past weekend. I planned my trip to be 5 days. He met me at the airport in his town, and we went for coffee. He seemed attentive and "as advertised," so to speak. I felt an immediate physical attraction to him. We returned to a hotel room that he had booked, and we talked and began "making out." I never removed my clothes. He wore an undershirt and his boxer shorts. He prematurely ejaculated on my trousers. Then he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other tonight." There was no further touching, no further physical contact, in bed or otherwise. He showed me around town the following day. He was cold, distant, and inattentive during our remaining time together. That evening, he told me there were "no pheromones." (He was not attracted to me, apparently.) I was stunned and saddened. I asked to be driven to the airport the following morning, and he did this. We slept apart that night. Once I arrived home, I had two emails waiting for me, saying he made a mistake, he missed me, he loved me, and he did not express what was really in his heart, he had shut down, and everything, all of his actions, were wrong, and he was ashamed of his behavior. He apologized.
I have not responded to him yet. I am torn about this man. We have much in common, but I was humiliated during my stay with him. He is someone I could fall in love with, or thought I could. How should I proceed?

[mother2four]

The warning bells are ringing and I think you got away right on time.  Yes I agree he may have been embarrassed by his P.E. but his coldness to you in his actions that followed seem very scary.  Mood swings like that are often linked with Bipolar, sexual disfunction is also another side effect from it too as are excessive highs and lows which is how you explain it.  If it were me id count my blessings, delete and move on.  Good luck!

[oceans3]

yes, as i stated above too,you should at least email him and say nice knowing ya because as you can see his contacts will continue and may even evolve into stalking behavior. i feel it. just let him know there will be no more correspondence. honestly, he sounds VERY inexperienced. sounds like he has no idea how to have a relationship. the deli incident blew my mind. if you didnt state your ages, i would have guessed early 20's (him) and thats no joke. i am being "generous"
what can ya do...live and learn right?

[2_sweet]

Wow.  As your story unfolds, it gets worse (sorry to say)!  It amazes me that someone would act that way toward another human being - especially one that he supposedly cared about!  You deserve better than that.  I DO think that you should talk with him one more time, just to tell him how you feel so that you aren't holding on to all of those bad feelings.  If not over the phone, at least in an e-mail.  You need closure.  Then you can be done with the whole thing and put it behind you.  He really treated you badly, and I don't blame you for going home.  Good luck to you.  I wish you the best!!

[barn babe]

No, I have not. He called here twice and left messages. He has sent me one more email since the original two.

However, I have been back to the website where we met (not a dating website). He is on there commenting with others and has been since the end of the holiday weekend. My stay with him was scheduled through Tuesday evening. I arrived last Thursday evening and was home on Saturday, almost exactly 48 hours after I had left.

I am running through so many details of phone conversations we have had in the past. I realize now that people are so different in person! Before I left on the trip, we discussed not having pheromones (our term for not being attracted). He said that no matter what happened, he was a true Southern gentleman and a nice companion. Oh, well.

There were so many things that had nothing to do with attraction and more with simply common courtesy that it's mind-boggling. We ran into an acquaintance of his; I stood idly by, wondering if he was going to introduce me; he did not. I tripped over a bit of raised sidewalk while we were out walking, and he laughed and began walking ahead of me; I tried to take his hand a couple of times while walking, and he slipped it away from me. He walked into a deli and ordered a sandwich, without asking me if I wanted anything, and not telling me why we went in there. And he began eating it in front of me.

Jesus, I don't know what I was thinking. Yikes. A good point mentioned above was if he and I did not have this "history" of phone calls for the past 8 months, and it was simply a date with  a man I had met in person, would I continue? I think not. I think not.

[2_sweet]

So....I'm curious as all getout.  Have you talked to him yet?

[barn babe]

This was my first experience with an on-line "relationship." I like the idea of meeting halfway between the locales - it is much less loaded emotionally for both parties.

I would not rule out on-line dating in the future. This man and I met through a website connected to our profession; it was not a dating website. We had a wonderful intellectual connection, which drove us into the phone calls and finally the meeting.

[krushing]

I too did the online "dating".  I met this guy in a chat room.  We talked through emails, mail, telephone, etc. for almost 2 years.  We then met in person.  He lived way up North and I was a Southern girl.  We met half way.  Meeting in person was nothing like what we "had" online and through talking on the phone.  We didn't hit it off, but remain good friends.  Like the other poster I met my DH online, through Match.com.  It may not be the same as in a chat room because they supposedley match you with people with common interest, etc.  We have been together for 7 years total and have been married for 2 years, working on 3 years.  You just have to be careful and go with your gut feeling a lot of the times.

[yoy]

Many posible reasons for his behavior.  But for you thhe issue is, given this was your first live meeting, is this something you want to "work out."  If this was a first date without internet, would you keep it going?  Plus the travel.  He may seem fine again, but in real life, will he act this way again.  Rather than deciding which problem he has, embarrassed about sex and unable to cope, or just a guy who drops his drawers, finishes early and gives your the cold shoulder, you don't need either.  It is a lose lose situation.  Lose him and his problems.

[siren of the sea]

i thought id add my take as well. i did online dating too. the conversations online and exchanging of pictures are sometimes a way of living a life you can sort of make up. we say things that maybe we wouldnt normally say, present ourselves a way that we wouldnt had it been a normal date setting. i met some weirdos for sure. i dont think the i love you on email you recieved after your shortened trip is normal behavior. but its easier to say what you want through email or messenging. i met one man that lived across the states and after our conversations for a brief time wanted me to fly out to meet him. i did not. now after saying all that let me tell you i met my dh online. we were just friends talkng online then to telephone. this went on for 6 months. then a date. it didnt go very well. we continued to be friends. it was a few months later that we tried again and what do you know. this isnt my way of saying to go for it. i think he sounds bizarre in his behavior. how do you know he doesnt have this kind of relationship with others? i dated one man and when he was in the shower i snooped. and he had weird secret women i knew nothing about with online names i knew nothing of. i think in your heart you know he could be dangerous. i mean as far as your heart goes. there are great men out there and i dont totally knock the online dating but keep it to your area perhaps. and please, keep your first several meetings in a public place. good luck .

[oceans3]

i could write so much more but the dr. and other posters (especially "who") said it all for me. i totally agree with them. i have been following this post and have one thing to add....
my opinion is the whole "online honeymoon" is over. all of that anticipation of seeing you is done. it happened. now there is no more excitement. he is trying to get that back via the emails and phone. it seems thats all he is cabable of having...an online relationship. he clearly didnt know what to do in person and it wasnt as if he didnt have chances....he had 5 days. the whole experience would have left me with a bad taste in my mouth thats for sure!
i would give it a couple more days and talk with him about what happened. then move on without him but be honest and let him know straight out that you are not going to correspond with him anymore. you dont want him stalking you if you ignore his calls, emails without any explination.

[who_dis]

I worry about you, Babe.

When you meet someone for the first time, you are generally on your best behavior.  If this was his best behavior, I shudder to think what he'll be like later, when he relaxes.  I think you saw a flash of what he is really and truly made of.  

I liked the moderators answer.  Very well thought out and objective.  

[barn babe]

This website is fantastic. The responses I have received - well, I can only offer my heartfelt thanks for the input, from everyone.  Thank you for helping me sort out my thoughts about what happened.

He called me last night and left a message; I was not home, but I probably would have taken his call if I had been. I have not returned his call, yet. I need a few more days to think about what happened, think about how to proceed, or not.

The input here is invaluable.

barn babe

[who_dis]

I usually agree with you, but this time I would respectfully disagree.

Relationships that begin strongly still require lots of work, care, and love to remain vital.  To begin a relationship that started off with a quick trip to a hotel, premature ejaculation (though that in and of itself should not be off-putting to a good relationship), and a cold, distant, hostile response by this man is very troubling.  It does NOT bode well for the future.  

The red flags are all there.  This is not a long term relationship that Babe is looking to work on.  Its someone she met online, corresponded with for a short time, and took a chance on meeting.  She saw him in person, where the nuances that are lost on the internet become very important in judging character.  He treated her badly.  There is no reason to work on a relationship that starts off that way, in my opinion.  

(It's hard enough when good, strong relationships go sour).  Peace out, Monk.  Love ya!

[monkeyflower]

I have a different take on the situation, more along the lines of first poster. This isn't about you. I'm pretty sure his emotional and physical retreat is due to his rapid ejaculation more than anything else. Unfortunately, our utterly sex-phobic yet sex-obsessed society puts ENORMOUS pressure on guys to "perform" - from themselves, other guys, and women in general. Society practically dictates that guys have to get an erection on command, make sure it's big enough/hard enough for intercourse, then keep it long enough for your partner to be happy - but not too long, because then s/he might get annoyed or sore. Yeow. What enormous pressure, real or imagined. So even if you weren't judgmental or angry, it's all in his perception of what happened. He was probably deeply embarrassed, uncomfortable, and anxious (hence the rapid ejaculation in the first place).

Think about it. Things were good until you started being sexual, he ejaculated involuntarily, and he immediately withdrew emotionally and physically. You responded by likewise withdrawing emotionally and physically, and apparently neither of you discussed anything that happened or your feelings about these events. You went home, and he sent you apologetic and emotional emails begging your forgiveness. At that point, he had the space and distance to feel comfortable expressing his feelings without being TOO vulnerable.

I have a great book suggestion for you - "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. I think it will help you understand guys a lot better - and help you feel a little better about yourself. I also would suggest TALKING to him about what happened. If you can, take the chance and reach out to him. Ask why he pulled back. Let him know it hurt your feelings and confused you. He probably will have difficulty opening up at first, and that's okay. Give him a chance. And see a sex therapist, together or apart. It will help.

[barn babe]

No, he is not married or otherwise involved. This was verified one week prior to my making the trip by several professional colleagues who know both of us.

His phone number is his home phone number, not a cell phone. I have called him, and he has called me, at all hours, and he seems to be the only one around. I know his address because I found it online during a Google search. His email - Verizon. The reason I didn't go to his house - he lives out in the country, outside a medium-sized town. I felt more comfortable staying in the town, even though I did not feel frankly in danger with him with my personal safety. Just didn't think it a good idea to leave the local town.

I'm feeling confident about my decision not to contact him. I know I have heard plenty of stories from friends about nightmare encounters and have jumped in with the same kind of advice - just stop seeing him, stop the contact and move on.

[borninquisitive]

You and I are thinking on this matter in a similiar way.
I would be interested to know (if I was the original poster) if the phone # was that of a cell or his home. Too, if his email address was from a free email service.
Irregardless, I agree...it doesn't seem right. I would cut my losses short (be thankful I got home safely) and end it. That being me, though.

[barn babe]

who dis,

Well said. Well said. Thanks. For the candor, for the objectivity I'm lacking. Thanks.

[who_dis]

Here are my thoughts.

You had never met this man in person.  You arranged what must have been a fairly expensive 5 day trip to his town.  Within 30 minutes, you were sitting in a hotel room (why not his home??) and when you got up to stretch your legs, he took off his pants and shirt.  After some minimal foreplay, he ejaculated on your pants and then proceeded to shut down and ignore you for the rest of the night and treated you like dirt the following day.  You had to change your flight and return home early, and in your words felt humiliated.  Only after you were safely home,  was he apologetic and proclaimed how much he loved you and was sorry.  

No, it isn't hard for me to decide what I'd do.  This man has obvious issues and problems that certainly go down deep.  Lots of people are not what they seem to be via email and the phone lines.  You saw him in person, and got a chance to see more of the real person than who you thought you had been communicating with for some months.

I personally would not pursue things furthur.   I suspect he's married, though you didn't give a lot of details to support that.  Beyond that, the whole scenario calls out for an activation of your common sense.  Don't romanticize it.  Look at the facts laid out coldly, and make a decision with your head.  A man who loves a woman does not act in the way he did, period.  Not a man who is healthy and stable emotionally and mentally, anyway.  

So those are my thoughts.  It's easy for me, because I'm not involved in the situation.  Step back and look at the facts of your trip with the eyes of a stranger.  Then you might see things a bit clearer.  It sounds frankly bizarre.

[barn babe]

I wanted to add that there were no trust issues with this man regarding my personal safety. We met on a website that is connected to our profession, and we know some of the same people from the website.

[barn babe]

Intrigue, thanks for jumping in. We were talking in the hotel room for about 30 minutes, in our clothes, on a settee. I stood up to stretch my legs, get a glass of water, when I came back into the sitting room, he was up and said, "I'm just going to take off my jeans and shirt." And he did that. I was nervous, not a "danger" nervous, just a first-time-partner kind of nervous, and kept my clothes on, it was just a T-shirt and trousers. We both sat back down and continued talking.
No, I did not feel pressured to have sex. In fact, I would say I began the make-out session by stroking his leg while we were talking. He kept his hands off (??not attracted to me) until I began touching him. Then he reciprocated, very tenderly, I might add. Yes, I would have had intercourse with him that evening. Based on his responses to my touching him, it seemed clear he was interested in continuing. I was anticipating that it would move forward to both of us eventually having all clothes off.
I was on top with my head on his chest and belly. He was stroking my back and hips. He then lifted me and pulled me to his face and kissed me while he put his fingers inside my trousers and into my panties. About 10 seconds after that, he said, "Let's go to bed and hold each other." When  I stood up, I saw what turned out to be his semen stain on my trousers. As I was looking at it, he said, "I came on you," in a voice completely devoid of emotion. This is when I started realizing things were going wrong, getting strange, whatever. It was downhill from there. We were in a king-size bed, and he slept in his shorts, on the other side of the bed. Kept his distance. No good morning kiss, no hugs, there was no physical contact for the duration of the trip. I was stuck on the corner of Stunned Boulevard and Shame Avenue. A bummer.

I appreciate your questions, your suggestions. I think the sexual stuff, what he wants from me, what I expect from him, needs to be ferreted out, and I do need to go more slowly with him. Appreciate the insightful response.

barn

[Intrigue]

I just have a few questions, if I may.  You said you didn't remove your clothing, but he did, down to his shorts.  Why did he remove his clothing to that extent, but you refrained?  Was your intuition perhaps telling you something?  Did he make you feel pressured into having sex at all?  If he hadn't prematurely ejaculated, is there a chance he would have eventually conviced you to have intercourse?  Is there any possibility that he acted cold the next day because you didn't have sex with him and he was pissed about that but is now writing in hopes of having a second chance with you so you might have sex next time?  I know this sounds very jaded, and it is quite possible that he was just embarrassed, but I also know so many women who have been seduced by men they met online who espoused love, but really just wanted sex. If you do decide to meet him again, the telltale sign of whether he really loves you and wants to build a future relationship would be whether he would agree to get to know you well in person before expecting a sexual relationship.  If he expects sex immediately and you're not comfortable with that, you have your answer.  Whatever your decision, I hope you go slowly with this guy and let your intuition guide you regarding the kind of man he really is.  Best of luck on your difficult decision.

Intrigue

[barn babe]

venus, thanks so much for your response. I agree with you; this may be an issue to discuss, and his behavior following that evening may have been a mask for his embarrassment. I want to ask him this exact question; was he simply anxious about what happened between us sexually? The quickness of his emails to me (the same day I left to come home) also leads me to believe he may be feeling guilty about his behavior and is looking for atonement of some kind and really ISN'T attracted to me, just looking to assuage his guilt. But that also remains to be seen. FWIW, I also was "as advertised," meaning we sent many many photos to one another, full-body photos, up-close facial photos, a photograph of me running a recent marathon, all kinds of photos. My looks should not have been a surprise to him.

Who dis, unfortunately what might not be tough for you can be tough for some of us to figure out! :) I would love if you elaborated a little. Any further thoughts?

barn

[who_dis]

I don't see it as too tough to figure out.  Good luck, whatever you wind up doing.

[venusenvy23]

Wow. This is a tough one. I would say that he acted cold and indifferent the next day because he was ashamed and embarrassed. I wonder if the premature ejaculation has been a life-long problem for him. If you really have feelings for this man, I say talk to him. Find out if it has been a problem or if it was a one-time occurrence. There is no excusing his behavior the next day, but if you bring up the premature ejaculation, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.