Aa
hubby doesnt like oral sex
please someone try to help me. my husband doesnt like oral sex. initially i couldnt believe it. he not only doesnt like giving it he hates getting blow jobs.(hes a guy!!) after awhile in our two yr marriage,after talkin about it many times n gettin no answers from him .we finally had some really big fights n i insisted on the reasons. his reasons are he cant put his face and tongue where i take a **** from its too sick for him. same goes for why he doesnt wana get it from me . he says it just seems extremely unhygenic to him and secondly im his wife and he says he doesnt like seeing me sucking on him .he things its a degrading act and it makes him think how disgusting it is, how unattractive i look with his penis in my mouth, how disrespectful an act it is . it looks like something prostitutes n whores do.
i love oral sex , giving and getting. wat should i do?
i love oral sex , giving and getting. wat should i do?
ok so heres the update.
i saved this page to my favourites on my computer, hoping and praying that my boyfriend will see it and maybe if he reads the comments and see how awful it can make people feel ...is that awful of me?
but ive tried everything, i have tried talking to him and i have even offered that we go to counselling!
he wont budge.
i saved this page to my favourites on my computer, hoping and praying that my boyfriend will see it and maybe if he reads the comments and see how awful it can make people feel ...is that awful of me?
but ive tried everything, i have tried talking to him and i have even offered that we go to counselling!
he wont budge.
Sorry for the screen name mix-up on that last post. I had to laugh when I read what I wrote. I knew you knew who I meant, luckily!
If I could ever dig my way out of job related paper work, I could wrap my head around this better for you. My mode tonight is more into rambling as this thread has made me do a lot of thinking...and, frankly, that can be painful at times, but necessary none-the-less.
Your post makes perfect sense. From my understanding, you represent almost all men in regards to feeling desired and lusted after...absolutely. I think your point is very valid there. I also hear you have a great deal of respect for your wife, yet you are definitely at an impass.
I remember there was a show on Dr. Phil (sorry if you are not a fan of his, but at times her makes perfect, blunt sense) once where the problem presented was yours exactly. Love, honor, respect...all there...great looking, fine, grounded couple...but, "please," said the husband..."just once in awhile could we have some oral sex where I am the recepient." For what it's worth, Phil was on the side of the husband and gosh I wish I could remember what he said...but even the wife agreed that she should do this for the spouse now and then.
Our problem is more about performance. My husband has problems ejaculating. It has gotten progressively worse over the past four years. He gets very frustrated as you can imagine and so he does not even want to start something...since finishing it is often not going to happen. Sexual desire has dwindled, too, over the years. If I could scream and shout from the rooftops of every house in the country, I would remind people that there are TWO people in a couple....that there IS HELP OUT THERE and IT SHOULD BE SOUGHT.
My husband did see a Urologist a few years ago. Prior to that my husbands doctor gave him some Testosterone which actually made my husband feel better but he (my husband) was only willing to try it for three months...if that. It did not help all that much regarding elaculating, but it can help in that regard and unfortunetly my spouse did not see an expert for getting treated (regarding the hormone therapy) and I think his dose was too low and that it was not tried for a long enough period. I am well-researched in hormonal therapy...so, this all made me want to pull my hair out.
The urologist did suggest a sex therapist (I referenced this in my previous post) and I have to say that it helped. Again, my spouse quit shortly after we started the sessions (felt the guy was digging up too many problems... I work in the field of psychology...the guy was not digging up problems...he was doing his job). I will say going to the sex therapist was not what I thought it would be. The therapist was very knowledgeable and helpful. There was nothing "icky" about it. I do recall saying something on our last session (which my husband forgot to attend) that my spouse did not like receiving oral sex. I thought the therapist was going to pass out. "Mary, all men like oral sex."
I am not sure where my life is going to go regarding all this. My husband brushed me off the other night when I suggested he see the person I see for hormonal balance (I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago and have to use a balance of bioidentical hormones...they are the best!)....that person suggested he come in, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Not sure my sexual interests will ever be considered. We had some fun on New Year's Eve...nice to see him interested, but no luck for him that night after trying so hard...and, that does not make it easy for him to try again, you know?
Would I leave a marriage for sexual reasons? I don't know. Is it about the sex? I wonder.
Let me know how you are doing if you care to...I hope things work out in your favor. Sounds like everything else is going well. Your comment about looking down the road with years and years of things being this way struck a chord with me. I am 53 as my screen name states...I (try to!) stay in shape, eat healthfully, stay very active outside of working full time, can carry on a conversation, and if I am having a good hair day, I don't look too bad, but....I'll tell you, if I think too hard about all of this it does make me sad...the lack of physical touch and physical expression is something I did not expect in my marriage and after well over 20 years...I am not sure how many more years I can foresee without at least good-hearted attempts at such a connection....
Keep in touch...Mary
If I could ever dig my way out of job related paper work, I could wrap my head around this better for you. My mode tonight is more into rambling as this thread has made me do a lot of thinking...and, frankly, that can be painful at times, but necessary none-the-less.
Your post makes perfect sense. From my understanding, you represent almost all men in regards to feeling desired and lusted after...absolutely. I think your point is very valid there. I also hear you have a great deal of respect for your wife, yet you are definitely at an impass.
I remember there was a show on Dr. Phil (sorry if you are not a fan of his, but at times her makes perfect, blunt sense) once where the problem presented was yours exactly. Love, honor, respect...all there...great looking, fine, grounded couple...but, "please," said the husband..."just once in awhile could we have some oral sex where I am the recepient." For what it's worth, Phil was on the side of the husband and gosh I wish I could remember what he said...but even the wife agreed that she should do this for the spouse now and then.
Our problem is more about performance. My husband has problems ejaculating. It has gotten progressively worse over the past four years. He gets very frustrated as you can imagine and so he does not even want to start something...since finishing it is often not going to happen. Sexual desire has dwindled, too, over the years. If I could scream and shout from the rooftops of every house in the country, I would remind people that there are TWO people in a couple....that there IS HELP OUT THERE and IT SHOULD BE SOUGHT.
My husband did see a Urologist a few years ago. Prior to that my husbands doctor gave him some Testosterone which actually made my husband feel better but he (my husband) was only willing to try it for three months...if that. It did not help all that much regarding elaculating, but it can help in that regard and unfortunetly my spouse did not see an expert for getting treated (regarding the hormone therapy) and I think his dose was too low and that it was not tried for a long enough period. I am well-researched in hormonal therapy...so, this all made me want to pull my hair out.
The urologist did suggest a sex therapist (I referenced this in my previous post) and I have to say that it helped. Again, my spouse quit shortly after we started the sessions (felt the guy was digging up too many problems... I work in the field of psychology...the guy was not digging up problems...he was doing his job). I will say going to the sex therapist was not what I thought it would be. The therapist was very knowledgeable and helpful. There was nothing "icky" about it. I do recall saying something on our last session (which my husband forgot to attend) that my spouse did not like receiving oral sex. I thought the therapist was going to pass out. "Mary, all men like oral sex."
I am not sure where my life is going to go regarding all this. My husband brushed me off the other night when I suggested he see the person I see for hormonal balance (I had a complete hysterectomy six years ago and have to use a balance of bioidentical hormones...they are the best!)....that person suggested he come in, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Not sure my sexual interests will ever be considered. We had some fun on New Year's Eve...nice to see him interested, but no luck for him that night after trying so hard...and, that does not make it easy for him to try again, you know?
Would I leave a marriage for sexual reasons? I don't know. Is it about the sex? I wonder.
Let me know how you are doing if you care to...I hope things work out in your favor. Sounds like everything else is going well. Your comment about looking down the road with years and years of things being this way struck a chord with me. I am 53 as my screen name states...I (try to!) stay in shape, eat healthfully, stay very active outside of working full time, can carry on a conversation, and if I am having a good hair day, I don't look too bad, but....I'll tell you, if I think too hard about all of this it does make me sad...the lack of physical touch and physical expression is something I did not expect in my marriage and after well over 20 years...I am not sure how many more years I can foresee without at least good-hearted attempts at such a connection....
Keep in touch...Mary
Thanks for the kudo's Mary. I look forward to hearing from you further. I'm pleased to hear that the doors haven't been entirely shut between you and your husband, and I hope you can find a way to capitalize on any opportunity to discuss the situation positively with him. But I concur that it is difficult to discuss. There is a lot of faith one entrusts to someone in being honest about one's sexual needs.
I sometimes wonder why I have such a difficult time broaching the subject with my wife, considering that I feel truly fortunate regarding trust between us. I've seen trust issues in the relationships of my friends and aquaintances, but can't say that it is a problem between my wife and I.
I think the problem (ironically) is respect... Too much of it. I respect that she is not into giving head, and genuinely would not be turned on if I sense she is performing it out of obligation. I think I may have been spoiled in a past relationship, in that I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get enough of it and was quite skilled. I've thought on this and come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the physical act of the BJ that is so important, as the feeling of being lusted for. The ex-girlfriend always actively lusted for me, which does wonders for one's libido and by extention (pun intended) one's reciprocal performance.
I have absolutely no doubts about my wife's love for me, but in retrospect, I can't say I've ever felt like she lusted for me. She likes sex, but she seems to have the impression that she's doing her part to please me by letting me have my way with her, when in fact I'd be far more turned on by letting her have her way with me... That make sense?
So maybe it's not so much about receiving head from her, as a more general desire to feel... Well, desired... Where I think receiving oral sex is the most obvious expression of that. The ex-girlfriend always made me feel like a sex god, while for all her excellent qualities, the wife leaves me feeling like a tool...
I don't know what the source of that is. I'm not an unattractive guy (please excuse a little immodesty), and I'm fairly sure she finds me so, I think perhaps she has more general issues of sexual expression. When we first got together, she wasn't into sex at all, and I had to spend a lot of time and effort coaxing her to the point of enjoying sex (once I gave her her first big-O, her attitude took a dramatic turn for the better). Oral sex saved the day then, and I believe it could save the day now, but I'm not sure how to prompt that to happen. Back then it was solved by my taking the initiative, but now it relies on her taking the initiative.
I dunno...
I sometimes wonder why I have such a difficult time broaching the subject with my wife, considering that I feel truly fortunate regarding trust between us. I've seen trust issues in the relationships of my friends and aquaintances, but can't say that it is a problem between my wife and I.
I think the problem (ironically) is respect... Too much of it. I respect that she is not into giving head, and genuinely would not be turned on if I sense she is performing it out of obligation. I think I may have been spoiled in a past relationship, in that I once had a girlfriend who couldn't get enough of it and was quite skilled. I've thought on this and come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the physical act of the BJ that is so important, as the feeling of being lusted for. The ex-girlfriend always actively lusted for me, which does wonders for one's libido and by extention (pun intended) one's reciprocal performance.
I have absolutely no doubts about my wife's love for me, but in retrospect, I can't say I've ever felt like she lusted for me. She likes sex, but she seems to have the impression that she's doing her part to please me by letting me have my way with her, when in fact I'd be far more turned on by letting her have her way with me... That make sense?
So maybe it's not so much about receiving head from her, as a more general desire to feel... Well, desired... Where I think receiving oral sex is the most obvious expression of that. The ex-girlfriend always made me feel like a sex god, while for all her excellent qualities, the wife leaves me feeling like a tool...
I don't know what the source of that is. I'm not an unattractive guy (please excuse a little immodesty), and I'm fairly sure she finds me so, I think perhaps she has more general issues of sexual expression. When we first got together, she wasn't into sex at all, and I had to spend a lot of time and effort coaxing her to the point of enjoying sex (once I gave her her first big-O, her attitude took a dramatic turn for the better). Oral sex saved the day then, and I believe it could save the day now, but I'm not sure how to prompt that to happen. Back then it was solved by my taking the initiative, but now it relies on her taking the initiative.
I dunno...
Hey, it is late, but I just wanted to comment on this last post. Well written and thoughtful...that is my opinion. I feel for you. And, I appreciate your honestly and I appreciated your post.
Actually, the doors were not totally shut regarding discussions with my spouse about the sexual state of our marriage, but I will say, it is not an easy conversation. I will check in later.
Mary
Actually, the doors were not totally shut regarding discussions with my spouse about the sexual state of our marriage, but I will say, it is not an easy conversation. I will check in later.
Mary
Hope you ladies won't mind a guy crashing your discussion with his perspective. I stumbled upon your discussion due to the fact that I'm experiencing a similar situation as jessicas, in that after four years of marriage and twice as long together in total, I can count the total number of bj's I've received on my my eleven fingers (one of those fingers being rather frustrated).
My wife isn't opposed to oral sex as a concept, as she is quite happy to receive it, and does 99% of our love-making. She just doesn't like to reciprocate. Now I will accept much blame in that I haven't really ever outright asked, wheedled, whined, pleaded, bribed, (etc.) for it. At most I've given very straight-forward hints or oblique suggestions that a little personal pole dance might be greatly appreciated once in awhile. This has obviously not worked.
The thing is, in most other respects, our marriage is quite good... Certainly well above average in my esteem. I know that if I made an issue of this, she would be willing to compromise and satisfy me at least occassionally. I guess my problem is that, knowing full well that she is genuinely not too hip on the idea, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. So I don't make an issue of it. It is very important to me that it be a genuine act of mutual enjoyment. I guess the point being that I want her to want me, and if I feel like she's doing it out of a sense of obligation, all the fun will have been sucked out of it (sorry, pun intended).
I've tried to reconcile myself to going without, as this is not a marriage to throw-out over the matter, and at times I'm semi-okay with the idea, but it's not sitting well, particularly of late. The thing is, it's beginning to have a compounded effect on our love-life in general. Beneath the surface I begin to feel the "rejection" aspect, which I cringe to say, has begun to have a significant effect upon my performance ability. Not feeling physically desirable, I find it difficult to be turned on myself, which compromises my willingness and even my ability to satisfy her, which then turns to frustration at not being able to satisfy her anymore (at least not as I used to... I'm not totally inept and have a couple tricks up my sleeve)... All of this compounding into overall performance issues and increasingly infrequent sex.
At age 34, I'm feeling like a guy 30 years older. I know it comes down (okay, that pun was not intended) to just communicating all this to her, but then I'm stuck feeling as though she's servicing me out of obligation, which will leave me limp. I don't know how to approach this with her, but I also can't fathom decades of marriage left before me without satisfying physical affection. I don't know that we could actually survive that, or worse that we might...
I know this thread is about jessicas' frustration, and I've just gone on and on about my frustration, but I hope my experience might shed some perspective on her problem (and perhaps garner some useful insights for myself as well).
My wife isn't opposed to oral sex as a concept, as she is quite happy to receive it, and does 99% of our love-making. She just doesn't like to reciprocate. Now I will accept much blame in that I haven't really ever outright asked, wheedled, whined, pleaded, bribed, (etc.) for it. At most I've given very straight-forward hints or oblique suggestions that a little personal pole dance might be greatly appreciated once in awhile. This has obviously not worked.
The thing is, in most other respects, our marriage is quite good... Certainly well above average in my esteem. I know that if I made an issue of this, she would be willing to compromise and satisfy me at least occassionally. I guess my problem is that, knowing full well that she is genuinely not too hip on the idea, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. So I don't make an issue of it. It is very important to me that it be a genuine act of mutual enjoyment. I guess the point being that I want her to want me, and if I feel like she's doing it out of a sense of obligation, all the fun will have been sucked out of it (sorry, pun intended).
I've tried to reconcile myself to going without, as this is not a marriage to throw-out over the matter, and at times I'm semi-okay with the idea, but it's not sitting well, particularly of late. The thing is, it's beginning to have a compounded effect on our love-life in general. Beneath the surface I begin to feel the "rejection" aspect, which I cringe to say, has begun to have a significant effect upon my performance ability. Not feeling physically desirable, I find it difficult to be turned on myself, which compromises my willingness and even my ability to satisfy her, which then turns to frustration at not being able to satisfy her anymore (at least not as I used to... I'm not totally inept and have a couple tricks up my sleeve)... All of this compounding into overall performance issues and increasingly infrequent sex.
At age 34, I'm feeling like a guy 30 years older. I know it comes down (okay, that pun was not intended) to just communicating all this to her, but then I'm stuck feeling as though she's servicing me out of obligation, which will leave me limp. I don't know how to approach this with her, but I also can't fathom decades of marriage left before me without satisfying physical affection. I don't know that we could actually survive that, or worse that we might...
I know this thread is about jessicas' frustration, and I've just gone on and on about my frustration, but I hope my experience might shed some perspective on her problem (and perhaps garner some useful insights for myself as well).
hi mami ,
im sorry abou ture situation. it just seems that the guys u r with r very selfish. they just want u to give and they dont want to pleasure u. men r just like that. u know i just had a fight with my husband cauz we were havin sex , he came and walked off to take off his condom ok i understand the condom was slipping so i told him sweety hurry back and he goes aaaaaaa man i wanted to smoke and use my phone a bit in the bathroom and i was liek wat?????? i was so pissed off liek he just came and thats it. so he came out much later when i still hadnt come but was totally turned off and so pissed off and turns around and goes to sleep. gosh and i screamed i was liek how can u be liek that? and he goes huh like wat? wat happened we just had sex and now ure pissed. his being clueless blew off my top and i screamed n screamed he ignored me and said i thought the sex was over. i said wonderful and just walked out. so this is men for us!
mary im sorry that ure doors to sexual discussion are over but im glad u see my situation im so young so sexual and my doors were opened..........
im sorry abou ture situation. it just seems that the guys u r with r very selfish. they just want u to give and they dont want to pleasure u. men r just like that. u know i just had a fight with my husband cauz we were havin sex , he came and walked off to take off his condom ok i understand the condom was slipping so i told him sweety hurry back and he goes aaaaaaa man i wanted to smoke and use my phone a bit in the bathroom and i was liek wat?????? i was so pissed off liek he just came and thats it. so he came out much later when i still hadnt come but was totally turned off and so pissed off and turns around and goes to sleep. gosh and i screamed i was liek how can u be liek that? and he goes huh like wat? wat happened we just had sex and now ure pissed. his being clueless blew off my top and i screamed n screamed he ignored me and said i thought the sex was over. i said wonderful and just walked out. so this is men for us!
mary im sorry that ure doors to sexual discussion are over but im glad u see my situation im so young so sexual and my doors were opened..........
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STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
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