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Avatar universal

4yr old causing arguments

My bf has 3 kids from a previous marriage. I have 2 kids from previous marriage. We have 1yr old son together.
His ex wife ran out on them for a year, when she found out he was dating me she showed up and took the 2 boys but never bother to take the little girl.
So I've been mom since 2yrs old, she 4 now.
My deal is I love this little girl but she constantly causes argument between her dad and I.
I try set rules but once dad is around everything goes out the window. She cries for every thing if it's not her way. Dad gives in or doesn't think much because she a kid.
My kids knows the rules and gives me no problems.
So her dad is at work from morning to late evening working, her bio mom not in picture at all. She calls me mom, I potty trained her, I teach her everything.
I thought it was just my kids(8yr boy, 6yr girl)she picked on a lot and intentionally get them in trouble but I've heard from his family members she don't get along with kids either like she a spoiled bully. She doesn't listen to me when dad around.
At meal time my kids are not allowed to leave the table until they eat all their food (I serve kids small portions) and they drink water with meal after they eat all the food they may get juice and dessert.
The little girl during meals will take a bite and run around and go back to table take a bite go play some more, her dad finally tells her sit and eat and then she says she full and wants ice cream, I say no because she hasn't ate much but eventually he dad gives in, which makes me so angry.
The other night I had it...my kids ate all food, had ice cream, then brushed their teeth. This girl didn't eat her food so dad told her go brush your teeth and go to bed, the Lil girl brushed her teeth and wanted her dad to read her a book, he said ok. I got upset and told him that he is rewarding her for not eating and it's not fair. So I was at sink washing my son bottle my bf said that it's not a reward. I said "if she don't listen and follow rules now then when she a teen it's going be harder for you and I" after I said that he threw a plate at me and it shattered all over my feet, I told him that was childish and I went upstairs gathered my kids and laid in my bed with them. He slept on couch and the next day he act like nothing happened.
He is 40 and I'm 28. I work full time during the nights and he works during the day.
I don't have much problems with her when dad not home, she sweet she gives me hugs, I dress her up EVERYTHING I do for my own daughter I do for his daughter because I'm MOM. But when dad walks in she a whOle different spoiled brat child. I ask her to do something she immediately looks at her dad and then I have to tell her dad to tell her to listen to me. She CRIES Like I beat her says "mom mean" when I tell her pick up toys, then I have to go defend myself to my bf because he gets all upset as if I'm just being a straight up B word to his daughter. I'm frustrated it's been a constant battle. Any suggestions? Options? Thoughts?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Her father is suffering from subconscious guilt for not being able to keep the family together with the baby mamma. There's a name for this syndrome, but I forgot it. Basically he won't discipline her because he feels bad for her and feels like he owes her something, so he feels guilty when he doesn't let  her have her way.  

Unfortunately, because you're the step parent, she will always listen to her father before you and he is condoning the behavior, so the  fact that you don't doesn't matter to the child. He needs to discipline his child himself, or he needs to at least back you up and make it clear that your rules are his rules too.
Avatar universal
I guess what im saying is, the issue is with your husband and not with the daughter. As you may already have guessed.
Avatar universal
yeah from dating an older person with kids and a guilt about the mom literally abandoning them going on 7 years...he is older he probably didnt do much of the child raising with his kids and had a parent who clearly is a loser that walked out on her daughter!!! he probably doesnt have parenting skills although you model them....its only been 2 years, he is older he likely wont change and become the dad you want of him his daughter knows him and that this is ok and will continue to this method of behavior she modifies it for you when only you are around because it makes her life easier and she probably likes you and all you have done for her but away from you and with dad her behavior is showing her dad sees nothing wrong with it and is showing signs of anger and abuse.........get out now he shows you abuse directly and through his lack of backing up your parenting of HIS child....he likely is set in his ways and not going to be the discipline hands on dad you want and you have your own kids to deal with still
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