Step Parenting Community
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Avatar universal

Trouble accepting stepson

I am aware that what I am going to say here is selfish and... wrong... so please dont just bash me and tell me what a horrible person I am. I am looking for some positive advice or reassurance or something.
I am engaged to be married. No date has been set yet. My fiance has a 2 year old son.... with a married woman. Although the issues with this woman are unimaginable, I dont want to make that my main point. My problem is that I am having a REALLY hard time accepting the fact that he has a son. My fiance has had almost no part in this kid's life until a few weeks ago because this woman's HUSBAND thought the kid was his the whole time. So it's all been this GIANT secret. And now that they are getting a divorce and the paternity tests are in that it is my fiance's son, he is SOOOOOOOOOO excited and happy and wants to see him and be a part of his life and yadda yadda. But it's all so overwhelming for me all of a sudden. And I'm extremely bummed out because WE are getting married and we're supposed to start our OWN family and have our OWN children. Now my fiance is experiencing all these 'Firsts' with this other kid and his mom. First word, first cute thing this, first cute thing that....  I am having a very hard time being understanding about it. I guess I dont get why, after never having anything to do with him for 2 years, he wants to now. It's complicating our relationship SO MUCH. Now we have to deal with his EX and this kid that suddenly appeared. I just dont know why..... why he cant just move on and be with me???????? It's tearing us apart and I dont think it's something I can handle. I'm only 25. He's 31. I never imagined dealing with something like this. Am I a horrible person if I can't find it in me to deal with this?
10 Responses
Avatar universal
If you cannot handle it then I would suggest that you leave now before becoming a major part of the childs life.  I don't think it makes you a bad person you just know what you can handle.  I married my husband he had 2 children and I was 18 when I started to date him.  You have to be willing to put up with BS from his ex.  BS from the child and BS from him it's not just you and him.  It's tough and if you are not willing to do that than walk.  It is selfish to ask him to walk away from this child.  That's not okay.  You have to think about if you are willing to be in it for life with this man. his child and his ex.  Making him choose is not okay but saying ya know this is way WAY WAY WAY too much for me takes alot and I think that you should know that it takes alot of strength to know when to walk away.  Good luck with your choice.  But don't make it on what makes you a "selfish" person because it's your entire life you are choosing to be smart about that choice!!
535822 tn?1443980380
I have answered this on the other site but I still think you should not Marry this Guy , the child should come first and you will be more resentful as time goes by,if you feel like this now.
Avatar universal
OMG, are you serious!?  Children ALWAYS come first.  You should not marry this man and rob this baby of his father.  Do you realize how often you called him "this kid"?

Look at it this way.  YOUR baby will have "firsts".  All babies are different.  Your future husband will have his "first" delivery with YOU, and the baby will be brand new, there will be LOTS of "firsts" in your baby's first year.  :)  I kinda was the same way... worried about all the "firsts" but really all babies are different, and they do things differently.
Avatar universal
Give the little man a chance.  I'll bet you will LOVE him.  And it's a good thing that he is soo young, he will grow up knowing who you are, and that you are always there for him.  You will feel MUCH better if you love this man if you just free your mind of the jelousy.  Experience the "firsts" WITH him.  

Sorry about the heading on my original post.
221122 tn?1323014865
First, let me say that I have been a step-parent for 14 years.  One thing that was said that I totally disagree with is that the "child always comes first.'  I believe that too many people think that way and I can see a generation of spoiled kids.  Your partner or spouse MUST come first.  This is not to say that the child is any less than precious.  You also have to have the child's best interest at heart.  If your heart is not in this, it will never work.  My husband put me first and that is how I was able to accept his son.  I am the one with the parenting skills as I have raised two of my own. I try to be as fair as possible, but I will say this.  It doesn't get any better.  Once you have children of your own, you will end up resenting this little one even more.  You know what you can handle, as stated earlier, and that does NOT make you a bad person.
it is quite difficult for someone who doesn't have a child at all, and find out this whole baby thing its new to you....so Guys try to understand its not like she hate the child.  
Avatar universal
I am new to step-parenting, heck I don't even know if you could really call me a "step-parent" yet because we are not married yet, but will be in the fall.  :)  I read all sorts of books about how to "be" a step-parent, and they all give me mixed emotions.  Some say the kids come first, some say the marriage or spouse should come first.  I believe that there should be a balance within the home.  I have yet to find that balance in my home.  I feel like my fiance' puts his kids before me many times, but am I just looking for the negative and not focusing on the positive??  I am so confused.  I agree that if we raise a bunch of kids with "me-ism" mentallities that we will have a generation of spoiled kids, which is what my fiance's kids are S P O I L E D to the max.  So spoiled that they will talk until they GET what they want.  As another member tells me all the time here (thank you mami1323) maybe he is trying to make up for not living in the same home as they do. We get them several times a week, and then every other weekend. We also have a new baby who is almost 3 months old.  

What you said got me to thinking.  Maybe I am spending too much time analyzing our relationship, and I need to step back and observe for a while.  

Can I ask you when you began to tell your step-son that you love him?  I have yet to say this to my fiance's children.. even though I DO love them.  We have said it to each other, but they usually say it first.  I still have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I should not push them too hard to love or accept me.  I want them to love me for who I am, not for what I can give them, I want to be true.  
145992 tn?1341348674
I wrote to you in the other post about the love between you and them.  I just have to bring this up because of your last paragraph.  I was at my fiance's cousin's house and I was sitting on the love seat feeding Jayden and my fiance's daughter was sitting on the big couch.  That girl is beautiful but a huge pain in the a$$.  It's really not her fault, her mother doesn't take the time to teach her things or pay attention to her so she has no one to lead her.  I try my hardest but she's not with us enough for me to make any kind of changes.  Maybe she is who she is and we just have to accept it but I just fear that she will end up hurt because she has no common sense and is very ditzy.  We always thought she would grow out of it but years later she is still the same.  Anyway, back to my point.  I was sitting across from her and I looked at her...it was just the 3 of us...and out of no where I told her that I loved her and appreciated all the help she gives me with the baby.  That she is a great big sister.  Her face lit up, she jumped up came right over to me and gave me the biggest hug.  I realized that it had been a while since I had told her that I loved her and she obviously needed to hear that.  I felt so bad that I hadn't told that to her in such a long time and it came out so naturally for me.  I really do love her and even if she is 12 years old, she still needs the affirmation and needs the affection.  Even though I am her step-mom, she loves me and wants me to love her.  I guess with the new baby I had been very distracted and so has her father.  It felt good to see her so happy and made me realize that we can't put their needs to the side just because there is a new baby.  They need it just as much.  I hope that helps with your decision to tell them you love them.  They may need to hear you say it first and it may bring you and them closer.
Avatar universal
Some of you wanted an update....
Well, my fiance met in person with his "ex's" husband to discuss what is best for the child. WITHOUT using her as a 'middleman' since they both came to find that she had been completely lying to both of them about EVERYTHING. So the two of them had a nice, civil conversation. My fiance found out that the husband actually wants to KEEP the children. He wants to raise them and be the father he has been for the last 2 years. Considering my fiance's and the husband's current situations, this is, without a doubt, the right decision and the best thing to do for the child. My fiance is ok with all this. Since meeting with the husband, he has told the crazy woman he doesnt want to have ANYTHING to do with her EVER again. He has changed his phone number, changed his email, and done everything else he can so she can't contact him. He has completely shut her and her family out of his life. And he's happy and relieved now.
Things have been good since then. I still can't help but worry. She is truly obssessed with him. We dont know what the status is of their divorce. The husband wants the kids and actually wants full custody. With that being said, it's my understanding that my fiance has no further or future connection with anything, even with the test results. Like parental rights, child support, etc. "SUPPOSEDLY" this is what I'm told. I honestly am looking to speak with a lawyer to further understand this 'law' or right or whatever it is... But anyways, that's the latest.... I've cancelled our planned wedding date and dont want to think about that at all for the near future. We need to redirect our attention and focus to OUR relationship now and hopefully things will work out. Thanks again everyone.
Avatar universal
I read your comment and all of the other comments people wrote , If anyone bothers to read the bible, Your children come 2nd. Your spouse comes first and if you want to get technical, God first  Wife second and then children it is in black and white in the bible. I have the same problem my husband puts his kid first and I come last. And I will say this your children grow up and move out and then it is just the two of you So all these men or women need to be nice to there spouses and put them first cuz thekids will leave and she may leave because she was ignored for so long.
145992 tn?1341348674
I disagree with your comment missy.  Although I do believe not to neglect either the husband or wife, your kids needs are your number one priority.  They should not come second.  Honestly, I don't think there should be any order, everyone is entitled to love and attention.  It's all about balance.  Not whose first, second or third.  It's challenging, especially when you have a newborn but it can happen.
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