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Will I ever feel included as a member of this family?

I started dating my boyfriend three years ago. I knew he was seperated and that his previous family lived ten hours away. He has two boys, 6 & 8 now. I had only met them twice, at christmas time over the course of my relationship. Their relationship with their father was halted by their mother when they moved, to the point where they even called her new boyfriend dad. Last spring, his ex made us aware that his oldest was having issues with violence. The next week we were sent photos from his birthday, where he was in a tutu and playing with barbies. This was concerning as that behavior had never been displayed before, but we thought it may be surfacing due to his mother giving birth to a daughter with her new boyfriend. Then comes my thrust into stepparenting. She calls my boyfriend and says she has taken their oldest two hours away to a psych ward, as she found a knife under his pillow and he said he was going to kill the family. We immediately went up to be with him. Since that day a year ago, she hasn't asked to see him once.

I come from a blended family. I knew I wanted a family of my own once I was ready. So this man, who I was so in love with, doesn't understand. His parent have been together almost 50 years.

We brought his son back to live with us, as his mother made it apparent she would not let him back in her home. It was intense at first. The son, who had very visible issues, was suddenly an only child, living with his father who treated him like a baby. This was understandable at first. I get that his dad wanted him to know h was loved and accepted here. The sons violence made me incredibly apprehensive. I found out soon enough that he was manipulative. He would tell his dad that I said or did something that had never actually happened. He walked our dog for a weekly allowance, and I looked out our window to him kicking the dog,a pug! And he has been in trouble at school for threatening to kill  classmates. He sees a therapist biweekly, but he's a completely different person around her. He is indignant with his father and whines constantly about everything. I understand that children are supposed to test you, to an extent.

My boyfriend and I have had an intense strain on our relationship ever since his son moved in. We parent differently and have different expectations for his son. I respect how he loves his son, but he needs discipline! I have had to instill basic please and thabk you manners. I have the son pick up any messes before playing video games or watching tv and try to level it out with having him read. My boyfriend will let him watch tv just to be out of his way and does not have any responsibility expectations set. I feel at 8 years old, this child should have no issues cleaning up after himself and being responsible for his belonging at day camp/ school, while my boyfriend has spent over $200 just replacing thing his son has lost.

I'm just lost as to what I can do to mivw forward positively in my situation. We spend no time together as a couple and his son is always fighting for hia attention. I feel as though I'm just a nanny/housekeeper with bo appreciation. I attempt to communicate these feelings frequently and am blown off as being angry and intolerant.

Please give me advice as to what I can do to make this unit into a family..

Thank you
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