Avatar universal

To Shaz

I hope respite went well.  I thought I better type out that stuff I promised I would before I forgot again.

1.  Acknowledge a feeling
2.  Identify the feeling
3.  What's the feeling about.
     Child self                                             Adult self
     Reacts (I need) -past  (Intense)              Responds (I want/ would like) -now (calm)
     What, when, where, who, how
     I feel
4.  Validate the feeling (permission)
     It's OK to feel x, y, z
5.  Practical intervention
6.  Integration
7.  Growth
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Avatar universal
I watched the program and i couldn't sleep i was so upset for the people in it because they couldn't understand why there loved ones had done it, it was about two teenagers and an adult who died by suicide. I took part in a course in February which trained me to be suicide aware in other people, i thought it would be interesting and my therapist thought it would do no harm. It teaches me to be aware of other people and if they were suicidal to pick up on invitations and what to do next, it was hard at the time because i felt strange as i was only out of hospital three weeks, i didn't feel i should be there.
A mixture of depression and anxiety today and i have my therapist in two hours time. I feel a tension from my partner today i think he has been looking at my e-mail again and anything i look up on the internet he checks it to see what it is, i wish he wouldn't.
I have so much i run from, i am afraid they will think bad of me or worse not believe me or judge me in some way and with it the anxiety gets hard to control like last night i wanted to get out of bed and leave but i knew he would send the police after me and this time i know they won't let me go home, i am afraid what they will do.
My conversations with my therapist are mostly on a superficical level, i am too afraid i want to hide from him.
My partner is just back i knew he was checking up on me he just said about looking up suicide sights and stuff, that really drives me mad.
I am glad it went well at the doctors, it sounds like you cleared the air with him a bit.
Does he have any idea when the review will be?
I hope you had a good day, i need to start doing something to wake myself up and calm myself down.
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Avatar universal
I had one T who told me that I was steering the car and I said yes, but you have your foot on the accelerator.  The pressure can add to feelings of insecurity.

Trust me.  It helps to talk.  When I first entered the service I wouldn't engage with anybody and if I did it was on a very superficial level.  Things are different now.  I am more open but also less trustworthy of people within the system.  

You don't say anything because you're defensive and feel vulnerable.
You could always take control of the session the minute you enter the room.  That way you discuss things you want/ feel are important.
I sometimes took a list of things on a piece of paper.  Walk in, say you have a list of things you want to discuss, then start checking them off.  It probably doesn't matter if they are only superficial to start with.  I mean the beginnings of something deeper.

That is something you could talk about with your T.  Why do you, or what causes you to run when someone gets close to the truth?  Are you afraid that it will reflect on you, expose you, or allow others to judge you?  ??  Running is protecting you from something, what is it?  Ask your T to help you work through it so you can identify it and manage it.

Doing impulsive things hurts us more than anything.  They can also sabotage our hopes and dreams.

Are you able to see why you feel you have to do the things you want to do?  What's driving the behavior?  Worthlessness, inadequacy, failure are a couple of mine.

I thought I could go out and be a s*** (may as well beep it out because it won't come through anyway).  But I can't.  It may achieve a couple of things but it goes against my values and beliefs and that would be hard for me to live with.

You start with a few people, or a few close friends, or join a gym or something pretty basic which isn't too threatening and then build from there.  It's a confidence thing.  My confidence was absolutely shattered after hospital.  It took ages to get it to this level even.

You talk about it because it is important to you in some way.

I don't know if the program will help.  It may trigger you even more.  Or it could act as a deterrent.  Attempted suicide can mess people up even more.  There are lots of really hard luck stories out there.  We're probably both been pretty lucky to date.

When I was in hospital they wanted me to watch a video on ect (because that's what they wanted to give me).  I said no.  Later I wanted to watch that video but never did.  I accessed videos from the video store that had ect scenes.  It was ugly.  I felt I had to watch yet my heart rate just went through the roof and I wasn't very well.
Has someone recommend you watch this program?  If it's on TV, can you record it and watch it when you feel a little better?

I went for a 40 minute run and have according to my GP a low grade strain.  He told me not to run for a bit.  Bugger!
My appointment went well.  He was OK.  He said that he knows my anger and frustration are just signs of unwellness and that he doesn't take them personally.  I said I've been confused and he said he sometimes is confused too.
He said that if my finger doesn't get better that he will ultra sound it and see if there is anything in it.  Sounds expensive.  Hopefully it will get better without him needing to cut it.  He has given me more antibiotics.
I don't know when I am going to get that appointment for the review.

That's about me for now.  I might go and watch MacGyver again.  It's starting to get a little old though.
Catch you later.  I might have to start a new post as this is taking a long to load again.
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Avatar universal
I hope it goes well with the doctor and keep him updated i have a habit as well of assuming that people know how bad i feel.
It went ok with my social worker but she is starting to push me in directions i don't want to go, i know she is trying to help and she said if i don't talk i will always feel like this because she said obviously i have alot to say that i keep hidden but don't they see i don't want to talk. I just don't want to open everything up and feel worse and maybe it won't help where am i then. She said my therapist can't help me with only little bits of information and she wants me to go tomorrow and tell him more but i know when i get there i won't say anything, why? I told her about my mother and she said for now just to let it go and as for my partner i told her i need this relationship now and she agreed until i am stronger she said then i can decide better.
I was telling her i had analytical therapy before and when he was getting close i resisted and panicked and ran, now the woman from womans aid, therapist and social worker are telling me about my partner and i resist it, i don't know why i just can't accept it and deal with it.
I am still anxious and hyper, i even went for a short walk to see if it would help, then panicked driving to collect the children from school and had to sit in traffic to get back out of the town. I have ate too much junk food today crisps and chocolate, now ice cream when i am really anxious i eat more it feels like i am trying to eat the anxiety away but i only feel fat and bloated  and still anxious. The social worker says i should try to work out why i am either depressed or really anxious and why i never just feel normal and calm when the anxiety drops so will my mood, it used to change quite quickly but now the anxiety will go quickly and the depression will last for ages. Now when i am all restless i would do impulsive things well feel like it anyway i want to dye my hair red but my partner says no but i want to change me be different, go out, get drunk, (even though i don't drink), meet new people be free, but i guess it won't happen.
I haven't been out in years and i wouldn't know what to say to people, i would just get paranoid feel out of place and go home.
I have went on about so much random stuff, my head is so confused.
I am going to watch a programme about the after affects of suicide, my partner says no but i want to watch it, will probably make me more anxious though.
I really hope it goes well at the doctors for you and that you enjoy your run.
Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
Shrink is probably less complicated to spell.
People need to find a way to communicate if it is something they have trouble with.  Talking, I find, is probably better than say writing it down, etc, because then you are able to monitor a persons reaction and they can comment if they want too.  And you remain in control.

I think maybe a problem I have with my GP is due to me just assuming he knows how bad things are without me keeping him updated.  Big mistake.

I think being open and honest is the best policy.

Hopefully I'll get on OK.  I need to apologize which is something I really don't want to do.  I guess I can find that grain of truth.  I am sorry I directed all my anger and frustration at him (when this situation is a result of the mhs not doing their job).
My finger has been infected and sore.  I am wondering what he will do to it today.  Hopefully he can deal with it and not refer me elsewhere.
I'll let you know how I get on.

Good luck with your social worker.  It's good that you get to see the shrink/ psychiatrist later this week.  I expect they still have concerns and this is why you are being seen.

Anyway, have a good day.  Don't forget to take lots of deep, calming breaths.

I'm going to go for a short run before I see my doctor, hopefully that will calm me down too.
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Avatar universal
I know what you mean about having the option at times i would like to leave it all but other times i get scared of dying so i wonder, when i am scared of dying why to i want to kill myself, i think maybe its a control thing i want to control the situation. I am glad you didn't act on your thoughts. I get them too when i am driving and i am angry i could drive into something or just keep driving, its not fair that life is like this at times.
My social worker is calling out this morning she rang earlier and i have therapy tomorrow and i also have an appointment on Friday with the psychriast (can't spell it) my therapist arranged it for me i was supposed to be reviewed four weeks after leaving hospital but i wasn't and that was in the end of January so he contacted them and i got the letter today. I am nervous about it i don't tell them the truth about how bad i really feel i wish i could, when the social worker calls today i won't say all i need to say no matter how hard i try its stuck inside.
I am sure too that the headaches are stressed related i get them as well the migranes are scary but i try to stay calm and remind myself that they will pass although i do panic.
I am really anxious today i woke in a panic i felt sick, not sure why. Good luck tomorrow at the doctors.
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Avatar universal
My mum took oral warfin.  No, she doesn't need them anymore.  Takes unprescribed aspirin though sometimes.  She has had blood clots in her legs.
The whole experience, especially around the birth, must have been intense.

I've only had the zig-zag with cool colors twice now.  The first time I lost a huge chunk of my vision and my speech was slurred.  Obviously that created a lot of anxiety.  I have been getting more and more headaches with nausea which isn't a good thing.  I must learn to relax more.  I think they're stress-related.  At least I'm pretty sure they are.

What I have learnt is that there will always be someone there to fill the void another has left.  
My GP, etc have offered to speak to my family but I guess I don't like sharing the relationship I have with someone with someone else.  I guess I like exclusive relationships.  Not sure that they are more or less stressful.  Possibly more in the long-term.  In the short-term it feels good to be able to control the situation and receive some sort of nurturing from them.  Even if it is discussing things patient to doctor.

It could be the anticipation of the contact.  Things feel good for me today but I see my GP tomorrow.  (Oh, please don't let me argue with him.)  Having structure really helps too.  When you plan some activities during the day, preferably ones that will help you move forward, things start to feel a little better.

I'm not sure whose supporting who.  I think it's a mutual thing.

The answer is no (or that the decision is up to you).  Hopefully this won't make you freak out but is shared to help you.  A couple of years ago I was doing really badly and one night when I was outside getting stuff out of the garden (it was a full moon too -a trigger for me) I tried to cut my throat with the knife.  I'm not sure it's something I wanted but probably more an expression of how desperate and overwhelmed I was feeling.  There's lots to the story but just so you don't go to sleep, ...  Last night when I went to get some leeks out of the garden for tea I saw my reflection in the window and had all these big horrible thoughts and as I had a sharp knife in my hand the thought did go through my mind.  I was sorely tempted.  But I didn't act.  (Probably that's why I visit this forum.  Or one of the many reasons.)
Anyway, it is what it is.  It all comes back to us and us making good decisions.
I get angry and frustrated that I don't have a T to work this through with and nobody else here who I can ask for support no matter how bad things are.  Although that may not be strictly true.  My situation is a bit awkward.
I guess we can use the memory in all sorts of different ways if we choose.  It can be like a reminder to ourselves of how far we have come since then.  It can be an opportunity to grieve all our losses, etc.  I'm not sure I want to meditate in the garden but the forest would be nice (but probably not somewhere I would go alone).

Hopefully you won't.  I think for me I found knowing that a place or an item was somewhere made me feel safe in the sense that I felt it gave me options.  Having a plan doesn't mean you have to ever use it.  I'm probably better but probably do hoard meds, etc at times.  It's a battle when I'm unwell but knowing my weaknesses (and my strengths) can help me.

Thoughts are only thoughts.  It is the actions that matter the most.
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Avatar universal
The blood clot was scary i had to inject myself twice a day for ten months the birth was high risk as i was on the high dose of heprin to thin my blood, i was to be induced a week before he was due but he had other ideas and came two weeks early a few hours after i had injected myself at that point my blood was really thin and they were scared about bleeding they were very good they had blood ready and an anti dote for the injection if i bled too much but the risk with that was it would cause my blood to clot maybe causing another clot, it was scary the labor ward was full of doctors but about six months after the baby was born i was fine they said it was caused by the pregnancy so no more babies.
Does your mum still have to take medication?
I get the migrane with an aura i can't see properly for a while then i get zig zagging lines then the headache it takes an hour for my eyes to return to normal and i feel really week and ill, i didn't have any for years and before christmas i had seven in three days now i take them once or twice a month i took one last week at respite, they scare me too and then i panic which makes it worse, so relaxing is good.
My social worker and therapist both offered to talk to my mother a few months ago but i said no, i feel she doesn't deserve to know the truth about me, i know its up to me to sort it but at the minute i'm not ready too i'm too angry, as for my partner i need the help on the practial side so i can't leave.
My social worker and therapist try to talk to me about my relationships thats why they are so keen for me to go to respite to get away from it all for a while. I sometimes feel i need to leave them all to go away and never come back. My children are back to school tomorrow so back to the routine and my social worker will probably call me in the morning to see why i didn't stay at respite i'm not sure if she will book me in this week or not, i seem to be doing a bit better anyway maybe the fact that they are listening to me helps and i have the offer of respite or hospital if it all gets too much.
There is alot of tension in this house but its confusing i have to put up with it for now anyway.
I find the support from you really helpful as well so thankyou for that.
I made some new memories today at the lake but the old one is still there it makes wonder will i do it next time, i couldn't go there again anyway the police know where i would go, hopefully i won't feel like that again.
Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
I've had a problem with visual migraines for a bit but then started experiencing classic ones last year.  Went to the hospital because I couldn't see and thought I might have been having a stroke, etc.  Was very anxious but at least this time I just tried to relax and not make it worse by stressing.  I think it must have been due to me feeling a little more relaxed on Saturday.  It happened last time after a period of stress which had been followed by an OK period.
Your mother sounds as though she has her head in the clouds.  She needs to wake up and become more observant.  Maybe all the adults need to have a meeting (overseen by a social worker, etc).  My mother had one of those with her family.  Not that it did any good.  Everyone sounds as though they are just arguing for arguments sake.
Maybe you could apologize for how your partners comments have affected her.  Find some small grain of truth in what she has to say and validate her by using that.  It probably is your responsibility to repair these relationships with people around you.  Either that or leave them if they're that bad.  ??
You would be strong enough on you own.  Probably stronger than when you are with others.  Maybe you just need time away from everyone.  You need time to find yourself before you make big, life-changing decisions.
About your partner.  I would be extremely concerned about raising kids in that sort of environment.  You know, where it is tense, etc all the time.  It's not healthy for them or their development.

I expect your mother cares but doesn't see you or your point of view.  Your partner?  I don't know.  I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with a person who doesn't trust or respect me.  A partner is someone who we choose.  We can't choose our families but we can choose our life partners.  I think you deserve better.

There is nothing wrong with you.  You are not a bad or unlikable person.  More it is about what is inherently wrong with others.  How they can treat people that way.  Don't let yourself believe that you are so bad that nobody will ever like you.  That's part of the illness and negative talk talking but also a reflection of your support people.  Is it no wonder that you feel stuck and depressed all the time?  I would suggest you let your T and social worker guide you through all this.
More fool you.  I'm going to be dreaming about possibilities and what I want for myself.

Stuff like that can take time to forget.  For me it is blurring a little bit.  Nothing one does can ever change the past though.  I can't take back my actions or those of the doctors treating me.  I can't undo a week in icu, etc, etc.
I have the same association with a full moon.  When I've been unwell I have set dates according to dates and lunar cycles, etc.  The moon seems to be quite a strong trigger.
When my 2 1/2 yr old nephew came to stay about a month ago he pointed at the moon and said pretty moon, it's not scary.  It changes your association a bit (but it creeps up on your from time to time).

I hope I heard enough of it.
My head is feeling better although the computer screen seems to be triggering it again.

Oh, I forgot about the blood clot.  Mum had a couple of those when in hospital with her broken back and head injuries.  Apparently they were the size of tennis balls.  She was pretty sick too.  We got shuffled around a bit from ward to ward.  One day when we were visiting I saw he stop breathing and then watched her being intubated.  At one point she was also flown to another hospital.
She was on really high doses of blood thinners for ages and would get breathless quite a bit.  It took her ages to recover too.  She still gets blood clots too (although in other parts of her body).
It must have been extremely scary for you to go through this and especially feel so alone.
Mum said she thought things would have been much worse if I hadn't have given her a massage every day when we visited.  It was still pretty bad.
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Avatar universal
I know if i have a migrane it takes a day or two to fully leave i always feel weak afterward.
My mum rang and asked could my daughter go to a bbq with her today so i said ok, the she said how was i still argraphobic after so many years and why did i still have panic attacks i said i don't know she said she had been argraphobic but she was able to beat it as she fought it, i know she was meaning that i mustn't fight it but i let it go. Then she started on about why did i not apologize to her for the way my partner treated her and what he had said to her in Jan when i went missing, the police contacted her at the time and she told them it was all my partners fault he went mad and told her how useless she was as a mother and didn't know half the stuff that happened to me as a child because she was never interested in me, which was true but he shouldn't have told her. I told her yesterday i wouldn't be apologizing as i never said it and i also said that no one ever aoplogized to me for the way my brother treated me all these years and how he treats my children and makes me feel unwelcome, she said i will be even more unwelcome now because i took the side of my partner over them, to be honest they were never any support to me when i was pregnant last time i was really ill i developed a blood clot on my lung i was ill for nearly a year but the point is i had to take my toddler to all my ante natal appointments as my mother wouldn't keep him and when i was in hospital because of the clot she fought with my partner all the time and kept ringing me up and going about him, i could have died and all she was worried about was him and how she hated him. She then went on to say that she doesn't know me anymore i doubt she ever did, she stresses me so much and when i took my children to see her they ignored me and then she said how can i carry on as if nothing happened what did she want me to do i was trying to let it go. My partner won't allow my daughter to go today with her and i don't don't blame him, she really hurt me again but i won't let her do it again.
When i look at my life no wonder i am depressed and want to kill myself, the two people who are supposed to love me are the ones who hurt me the most, does that mean there is something wrong with me i must be a really bad unlikeable person. I know now all week this will be in my head i couldn't sleep because of it.
It is a lovely day and we are going for picnic and a bbq on the mountain near the lakes its warm but will probably be cooler up there then we are going to feed the deer in the forest park, the mountain is where i attempted suicide so it makes me sad going there but maybe i can make some happy memories there instead of the darkness of that night, but i can never forget that night.
I hope your head feels better soon, sorry for going on so much but i needed to get it out.
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Avatar universal
That doesn't sound good.  How can you have an argument with you just listening?  Maybe you should talk to her?  Lay it all out?
Feeling better but still not 100%.  I should be OK tomorrow.  Hopefully.

I hope you're doing OK.
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Avatar universal
I hope your head gets better soon. I will talk soon i had an argument with my mother so all is not good here or rather she done the talking and i listened, there is so much i could say to her but i won't. I hope you feel better soon.
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Avatar universal
You will.   You're resilient.
Mood usually does come back to how we perceive things.

Sorry this is so short.  I have a migraine today and are finding it really hard to see and concentrate.
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Avatar universal
I don't think he was watching in a creepy sense lol he was just looking over at us he was waiting in a queue outside a bank, i guess i am embarassed because he only see's one side of me and to see with my child would be a side he never see's. He knows i can function a bit i do it for my children and i try to be normal around them although sometimes that isn't possible.
I am so anxious today its making me really irritable i can't settle or concentrate.
I think if i go down again i will stay there i don't think i will have the energy to climb out of the hole again
I can't leave my partner i would be totally alone and i can't have that i would be too scared and i need him to look after the children, my therapist reckons i can do it alone but i know i can't. I don't want to accept that there is anything wrong with my relationship because that reflects on me as a person, i don't like change as you have guessed and strangely i need to be with him, i just want to feel loved.
It is good that you have made a decision about the run for next year its something to work towards and no point looking backwards, easier said than done.
I don't think today will be as good as yesterday i feel strange and out of control a bit, i am getting feelings of wanting to escape again, i don't actually think that its me who controls how i feel its my mood how i behave all depends on my mood but i don't think i can control my mood., i suppose thats where medication comes in. My partner is stressing me out today because i am on the internet, i hate that.
Yeah balance would be good, its hard to find though.
I agree though that if therapists think you can function at all they think all is well, they need to see beneath it all.
Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
Mood can be a strange thing -up, down, stable.

He was watching you or he just happened to be passing and saw you?  Watching sounds a bit eerie.  But then I did go out and watch the start of the triathlon and saw, and watched, my GP.  I guess some of us our curious people.  It's a bit ?? (?odd) seeing someone you know and relate to in one context in another.

I don't necessarily like health workers seeing me outside of the health service.  Sometimes I think people can misinterpret what they see.
One day I was in town shopping for something to wear to my sister's wedding that weekend.  I saw one of the psych emergency team members, or he saw me.
Later that day when I spoke to my GP he involved them.  I don't think these people can comprehend that life can be so terrible when they've just seen you shopping and seeming functional.

Are you embarrassed because he sees you in unguarded moments?  Or like I said before has seen you in a role that you can function in (for a while anyway).  Or embarrassed that he sees you in the worse state?
Your social worker sounds about right.

I was just thinking about that the other day regarding the contestants on Survivor.  The show must know so much about them: their medical history, ... just lots of stuff.

True.  A movie can wait for a rainy day (or evening).
Sounds cold (and like a lot of glass to keep clean).  =)  I've been enjoying sitting near one of them in the sun.  At least it helps to warm me up.

I want too and I need too.  I expect it will take time but it's something I need to do.  The environment here is just so toxic.  For what it's worth I may as well be living in an old people's home, and while I feel old, I am definitely not that old!!

They had a helicopter to shoot the event.  It made me feel so sad.
Realistically I know I made the best decision for me at this time.  I wrote in my post to Dr Gould how bad things had been several years ago after the run of the same event.  I was devastated and things were pretty bad.  I actually woke up feeling OK this morning.  Probably because I have my period.  Yuck!  PMT.  That's probably why my mood has been so variable.
Today I decided I am going to do the triathlon next year and I am going to win my age group.  I have a lot of work to do and a lot of things to work on but if I get everything right I should do OK.  One year and counting.  One year to work on anxiety, depression, nutrition, weight, etc, etc.  Oh and fitness.  Whoops!  Nearly forgot that one.

I would leave.  That would be hard with him at home all the time now then.
People deserve better than to be abused.  But then I guess I take a lot of people's crap too (and they mine).  I was just saying to Dr Gould that I felt I had to be careful not to batter my father by putting him down so much.  It's so easy to do when he can be so stupid and useless and controlling.
It makes sense.  If that is your decision.  That sounds a bit like me saying I'm going to stay at home for the rest of my life.  I can't judge or decide for you because I don't know the true dynamics of your relationship.  If he were always abusive and  insensitive I would leave.  Short-term it would be hard.  Long-term, just feel that weight off your shoulders.

You don't need to be with anyone.  You are strong enough to be alone (with support to start with, but over time can become more independent).  It seems a little strange that you aren't receptive to the possibility of change.  I can see it's a raw subject at the moment.

I have periods (very rarely) when I feel more motivated and feel I have more clarity, more purpose and direction.  I sometimes get like that when I am unwell and go past being angry.  Or turn the anger around.  I think I make others out to be bad and so push them away which gives me strength, makes me feel more in control.  There is no room for both the good and the bad though which is a big problem.  I need balance.

Or too much sugar??

Hey, have a good day.  
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Avatar universal
Thanks for that, i am trying not to worry about it, i have an ok day which feels strange i am very hyper inside and outside and i am very restless i can't relax i have been like this before but that was months ago it scares me abit i wonder why i feel this way after feeling so depressed for so long and i know after a while my mood will drop again then its hard to deal with.
I went to the town today the sun was shining and i was warm i bought a new TV for my kitchen. I was sitting on a bench in town playing with my baby and i turned around and my therapist was watching me and i turned away really quickly i was embarassed i told myself i would say hello next time but i always turn away then i feel bad he is so good to me, i hope he understands its not personal its just me, i mentioned it to my social worker last time i saw her and she said not to worry because she said he knows so much about me that its probably like being naked when i see him i am so vulnerable to him, so that helped a bit.
I will probably try respite again sometime, i know they are keen for me to go there for the intensive therapy so i will try and work with them.
Its good you went for a run, you must be fit, don't worry about eating too much, i eat when i am stressed its like i am trying to eat the feeling away it doesn't work though. My partner has always been like that it annoys me i am who i am he needs to accept it, i know i need to lose weight but him treating me like that i will eat me, i have put on weight since the birth of my last child and with being depressed i haven't been to the gym i had no energy he needs to understand that.
We are planning to go for a picnic on Sunday the weather is too be nice we were going to see a movie but it would be better to be outside on a nice day.
A house with a lot of glass that sounds really nice.
You mentioned leaving home, would you really or just want too, its a hard decision to make.
I see what you mean about just getting on with the decision i have made and its true like with you too and about the run, just because you didn't do it, its not the end of the world and there is no point stressing about it, easier said than done though.
Decision making can be good, if you don't feel bad about it after that is, but going to your GP thats a good decision.
Maybe the better weather has affected my mood i don't know, or the fact that i go to see a woman who works for womans aid she helps woman who suffer domestic violence, well anyway she was helping me understand my relationship with my partner because at times its not good, its not physically violent but verbally and emotinally, well so they tell me but i refuse to accept it, my partner is the only person i have, i have no friends and my parents don't bother so why would i leave him, he is very good to me at times.
Anyway the talk with her made me realise i won't leave ever i need to be in this relationship i can't be alone and no matter how they try to advise me i won't listen, so that was another decision made because i had been so stressed about the relationship and didn't know what to do but talking with her made me realise i won't do anything so there is no point talking about because i won't change it, do i make sense.
Don't get me wrong my partner is not all bad he has a really good side but he has a bad one as well and i get confused because he can be so good to me but they reckon thats how someone abusive works but anyway i need to be with him so i have to accept it.
Do you ever find that your mood lifts like that, i still feel abit depressed but strange and hyper well i suppose its better than suicidal, i think its anxiety more than anything that is making me hyper.
I hope you have a good day
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Avatar universal
It's OK.  
I'm dealing with the same feelings.  I gave up on my running and then over ate just so that I could justify not doing it.  The event is tomorrow.  Registration, from now till 10 pm.
Our behavior helps us learn more about ourselves.  Also shows us what we need to work on.  And just because we backed out this time, or the time before, doesn't mean that we will next time.
I thought it sounded like a bad idea to have the kids with you.  Probably doesn't teach them a lot either.  Your partner should have reinforced the need for you to stay.  Or you should have had someone pick you up (if that were an option) so that you would then have the strength to follow through.
Whatever we have done or haven't done we can't undo the past, but we can look forward.  Don't beat yourself up about the respite, etc -it truly is OK.
Do you want to know how I justify not running.  I say that come next week the other entrants will be poorer (entry fee) and we're no different.  They may feel as though they achieved something but ...  It's like going to respite.  Is it really going to matter, other than you berating yourself, that you didn't go.  They're just feelings.  They'll pass.  We'll have new challenges to face.  The world goes on.

Maybe he has an issue with you being vulnerable?  He only hurts you because he is hurting for some reason.  I wouldn't tolerate him making comments like that.  I think it is extremely insensitive and disrespectful.  Even if you do have a weight problem there is a more acceptable way of addressing the issue.  Devaluing you won't motivate you to lose weight, maybe only depress you more and cause you to turn to food and put on more weight.  =(

Personally I think your health is your priority.  I am just beginning to learn this myself.  I think I'm going to have to make some very hard decisions very soon.
Doing what I'm doing at the moment is killing me.  I can't even really function anymore.  I don't want more of this so I am going to have to make some really big changes.  Like leaving home, etc.
You're right, it is your problem you feel bad.  You can do stuff to help make yourself feel better though (and don't put up with crap from your partner.  Just because you're unwell doesn't mean it is OK for him to treat you badly).
I think it is OK to rely on your social worker but I think you also need to be working towards a place where you can do stuff by yourself independently.

Have you tried journalling?  That may help you get stuff out.  Could be a good record of how far you've come too.

And I will be very annoyed with you if you continue to feel bad about a decision you made.  You made it, let it go.  I doubt that you will have missed out on anything.
Doesn't that give you the weekend to get your kids organized for next week?  =)

I've been for a short run.  I'll keep the appointment with my GP.  It will give me an opportunity to repair the relationship too.  Just making that decision helped me to feel calmer.

I don't mind any of the seasons.  Spring is probably my favorite but Autumn is nice too.
Our last winter was the coldest in about 35 years.  Our summer has been the dries in over 40 years.  Autumn is expected to be pretty dry too.  Dry is OK if you don't depend on the rain.
Winter is in June.  Spring is September.
Winter probably isn't too bad.  We have frosts which is 0 oC.  If you're outside though and it is wet and windy it can be cold.
We're just getting our house finished and the heating probably isn't that flash.  A lot of our house is glass and we tend to lose heaps of heat through them.  Also we haven't really had any curtains either.  None now anyway.

Don't stress.  You were booked in.  It was up to you to use it as you wished.  It was unfortunate how it all turned out and yes it would have been better if you could have gone or they could have filled the room but that time was for you.
Same with therapy.  You choose how to use your therapy time.  You can talk, not talk, not turn up, etc.  The decisions you make do have consequences though.
I have learnt the hard way that it is better to try and be skillful than to have to deal with the consequences of bad decisions.
It would be so good if we all had crystal balls and could look ahead.  Shame about my behavior (especially when I was unwell) is one thing I have had to learn to deal with.

Take care.  Enjoy your weekend.  DON'T Stress!!  It just makes you old and gray and wrinkled before your time.  Plus may leave you susceptible to heart disease, etc.
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Avatar universal
I didn't go i am so useless i can't make myself do anything i always back out now i have to live with the feeling of giving in and not going, i just get so anxious and then i get scared i just wanted to be at home with my children, my partner is annoying me, making comments about my weight he knows it hurts me so he uses it against me he has always done this. I think because i didn't go he knows i needed to be here so he thinks he can treat me whatever way he wants, anyway i made the choice its my fault if i feel bad. I will talk it over with the social worker and tell her she has to take me otherwise i won't go.
The panic i think is because i have so much to deal with that i don't want to talk about it and it annoys me and thats how it comes out in the from of panic, i panic when i am away from home because i am scared i won't be able to stop panicking i know i will eventually stop but it scares me. I will panic and be anxious all weekend now because i didn't go to respite and i will be really annoyed over it.
Yeah talk with your GP tell him how you feel, a run would also be good.
Its Autumn with you i love Autumn its Spring here strange we had a really bad winter the coldest in years and its taking a while to warm up but the weekend it to be nice, what month does your winter start in? Does it usually be really cold?
I hope you get a therapist soon and are able to start sorting things out
I need to try and distract my mind before i go mad thinking about not going to respite, i also feel like i wasted two days someone else could have had, enough thinking.
Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
That was a good idea.
Monday isn't too far away.  When I feel stressed I end up counting the number of days or sleeps till my next appointment.  I had a previously booked appointment to see my GP next Tuesday.  I am thinking about keeping it.  Hopefully it can't be any worse than this weeks one.  I usually have a pretty good relationship with my doctor.

I expect so.  Just not sure when that would be.  I would hope before the end of this year.  I just don't know.  I'm not sure what the outcome of the review will be.
The doctor and the net has limitations but I've appreciated what little input he has been able to offer.  In some respects some of his comments have been more enlightening than some of the things my last T was saying.  But then that wasn't much.  I thought he, my T, wasn't that good.

The panic is there for a reason.  Find out what it masks and then you can look at the underlying issue.  Doing that should help reduce the anxiety.

My plan is to go for a short run and to try and get real with myself.  Try and leave some of my hurt behind.  It's not helping me at this point and is making me feel more pessimistic and depressed.  I need to tackle my current mood with my GP.  Probably he isn't aware of just how shut down I am.

Will definitely try and get some fresh air.  The suns out but it is Autumn and is freezing.  I think I must still be cold intolerant from the iron deficiency.
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Avatar universal
I am going to respite this evening as i woke up feeling depressed and i think its partly because i feel i let myself down because i didn't go so i rang them this morning and told them i will come in about 7pm. I rang last night and they were really nice about it but i am feeling stressed today so it would do no harm to go. I have my therapist on Tuesday and my social worker will be in touch on Monday, i think its better when she takes me, my partner will drop me of this evening but it will be so hard to say goodbye to them even if it is only for one night.
Its good you have the support on here and from the doctor, will you get a therapist again?
I think its more i have too much time to think when i am away from home and then i panic i would want to be able to think and allow my mind to process things without panicking but it doesn't work like that i panic at everything.
I went to town today and done some shopping but i was very anxious but i still went so i suppose thats something.
I need to go and try and sort out stuff for going. I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
Oh!  I think maybe your social worker gave you a sense of security and confidence.
Maybe the police stuff isn't helping either.
I would strongly encourage you to go tomorrow though.  Would having your partner drop you off help?
Loneliness is a subject which has come up recently on the emotional eating expert forum.  Is it really lonely or just too much time to think?  To feel unfulfilled, etc.  ??
No, your mind does need time to think and to process things.  That is why I like writing here because it helps me process my own stuff (which I have to do because I have no T to help with insights, etc).
If you want to read how messed up and out of control I am you can read some of my posts on the emotional eating forum.  It's pretty ugly.  I feel I have a good rapport with the doctor and while he is only ever able to answer the initial question I feel he keeps up to date with all the additional comments.  He gives good advice.
If you ever want to ask about emotional eating or mental health he is the one to ask.  He doesn't seem to force meds either which means I respect him even more.

When are your appointments next week?
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Avatar universal
I never went to respite i was so anxious it was easier when the social worker takes me, now i am anxious and panicky i know its because i didn't go, i rang them though and explained i was too anxious, i have to call back in the morning to let them know how i am because i am supposed to be there they still need to know how i am and if i will stay tomorrow night, if i go tomorrow night i might not feel so bad for missing tonight. I feel so lonely there, i know maybe it helps but not today.
Yeah it is school holidays they go back on Monday though.
It was nice today but still cool too.
I think i am feeling a bit better because i have calmed things down with my partner i hope it stays that way, i still feel the tension underneath i wish it would go away.
I hope by not going to respite that i am setting myself back again, anyway i suppose tomorrow is another day and i will call them in the morning maybe they will talk me into going tomorrow night, its the boredom there my mind does not need time to think my mind needs to be going all the time.
Have a good day, enjoy the sun.
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Avatar universal
Me too.  I had one T who got it though and that felt really good.  You know when you don't have to explain everything and educate the professionals.
My GP is usually very good.  I've just been struggling for such a long time that he becomes an easy target.  He is about the only one, besides my last T, who has supported me.  I've been feeling bad so I guess it just translated into my interactions with him.

If you truly feel well and not in need of the respite then I'm sure it's no bother.  Your social worker will understand.

That drive did sound lovely.  We also live not too far away from a forest park.  Sounds slightly different though.  Ours is more walking trails and mountain bike tracks.  I guess it has no mountain either.  =)  There are some of those not too far from as well.
I kind of live in a lakes district so there are quite a few lakes around.
Is it school holidays there as well?

I'm sure it only gets worse because we get more anxious.

It's quite a nice day today.  The sun's shining even though it is a little cool.

Respite should help you to maintain a sense of stability.  Enjoy it.
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Avatar universal
I'm sorry it didn't go so well at the doctors i find i get frustrated with doctors too they don't  listen because i have anxiety i feel they don't take me seriously and i leave feeling not listened too, sometimes i feel like that with everyone.
I went for a drive today because the weather was nice we live near a forest park and we are able to drive over the mountain it was lovely i get anxious but i needed to get out, i am going to respite at 8 or 9pm i rang them and told them i wanted to spend the day with my children she said thats fine then i will stay until about 2pm tomorrow and then back tomorrow night i would feel as if i let my social worker down if i didn't go as she went to the bother of getting me the place.
With my ocd its all about things feeling right too if it doesn't feel right its not safe its frustrating as well and when i am away from home it gets worse as well.
I feel the same way about staying in the one place too i get restless which is why respite is hard but i feel i need to do this as i am not prepared to try the medication.
I need to go and pack for respite but i am anxious but anyway i will go.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
It didn't go so well with my doctor.  I was feeling a bit frustrated.  In the end nothing has changed except I am less likely to see my GP as regularly.  He did give me antibiotics, etc for an infected finger.  Fantastic!  Not!
I like doing things.  Going from a to b but I hate spending too long at a destination.  I'm not a smell the roses sort of person.  I find it creates way too much anxiety.
Withdrawing is a good way to protect oneself.  Creating distance can feel helpful.  Not very adaptive though.  I'm probably a bit like that at the moment.  I'm definitely moody and irritable but I then retreat to a quiet place and don't want to communicate.
The last time you went to respite is in the past.  This is a new time and a new opportunity.
My ocd is worse at the moment.  Have become more stressed and more anxious.  I don't have a truck load of things I do just have stupid number or word patterns and need somethings to feel a particular way.  It's all time consuming.
80 minutes is probably the longest I'm willing to admit to taking to do something.  Usually it isn't quite that long but can be repeated heaps throughout the day.

I hope you have a good day and enjoy respite.
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