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Need help with teenager
I have custody of my brother who is almost 17. I am almost 32. I also have a husband - age 32, and 2 girls - ages 4 years, and 8 mos.
He has been with for almost a year now. He and my mom were fighting all the time about his schoolwork, and chores etc. They would hit each other, and she is also a bit nuts. I had been trying to get him since he was 12. Since he's been with me, he's been mostly good, and has made a lot of progress. I had to home school him last year, and he had no friends where we were living, so I did no have to worry about him much.
We recently moved to a bigger city. I have enrolled him in school, and got him an Rx for Adderall XR 15 mg for ADD. We keep the bottle hidden in my room, and watch him take his pill every day. Today while my husband was looking for a book in my brother's room, he found a baggy with 26 of his Adderall pills in it. He had been saving them in his mouth, and then stashing them in his room. Some of the outer capsules were partially disolved. I do not know how to punish him, because if we take away everything (TV, computer, friends, allowance), then we will have nothing left to hold over him for obedience. I have been letting him spend the night at friends houses. That will for sure be the first thing we take away. He already lost internet indefinately for looking at porn. He really isn't a bad kid, just has bad ideas, and wants to try things that are bad.
He was saving it to abuse it. He has talked about wanting to use drugs before. That's why we kept it hidden in my room. He wanted me to get him Ritalin originally because my mom got it for him, and he said it made him high. If he did not want to use the medicine later, or trade it with friends, he would have thrown it away. He has been very irritable lately, and had a cow when I asked him about why he never brings a friend to spend the night here. That's why I'm upset. If he just didn't want to take it, I'd get over it.
His other minor offense that my husband found in his room was a CD that he was specifically not allowed to have. For that I think I will just confiscate all his music for 2 months.
He gets an allowance of $10 a week, plus an extra $5 if he attends a religion class each day. I definately will stop his $10 allowance for a time, and he has to pay back the Rx co-pay for the pills he saved. I just need opinions on what else to do, and how long you would punish him for.
He has been with for almost a year now. He and my mom were fighting all the time about his schoolwork, and chores etc. They would hit each other, and she is also a bit nuts. I had been trying to get him since he was 12. Since he's been with me, he's been mostly good, and has made a lot of progress. I had to home school him last year, and he had no friends where we were living, so I did no have to worry about him much.
We recently moved to a bigger city. I have enrolled him in school, and got him an Rx for Adderall XR 15 mg for ADD. We keep the bottle hidden in my room, and watch him take his pill every day. Today while my husband was looking for a book in my brother's room, he found a baggy with 26 of his Adderall pills in it. He had been saving them in his mouth, and then stashing them in his room. Some of the outer capsules were partially disolved. I do not know how to punish him, because if we take away everything (TV, computer, friends, allowance), then we will have nothing left to hold over him for obedience. I have been letting him spend the night at friends houses. That will for sure be the first thing we take away. He already lost internet indefinately for looking at porn. He really isn't a bad kid, just has bad ideas, and wants to try things that are bad.
He was saving it to abuse it. He has talked about wanting to use drugs before. That's why we kept it hidden in my room. He wanted me to get him Ritalin originally because my mom got it for him, and he said it made him high. If he did not want to use the medicine later, or trade it with friends, he would have thrown it away. He has been very irritable lately, and had a cow when I asked him about why he never brings a friend to spend the night here. That's why I'm upset. If he just didn't want to take it, I'd get over it.
His other minor offense that my husband found in his room was a CD that he was specifically not allowed to have. For that I think I will just confiscate all his music for 2 months.
He gets an allowance of $10 a week, plus an extra $5 if he attends a religion class each day. I definately will stop his $10 allowance for a time, and he has to pay back the Rx co-pay for the pills he saved. I just need opinions on what else to do, and how long you would punish him for.
just thought id put a word in .. just cause i can kinda relate i am only 18 years old i have a baby on the way know whitch i am veary thankful for .. and i have growen up alot since i found out i was pregnant.but i was once into gettin high and drinking and all that bad stuff .but i 100% agree with you not taking everything away from him cause to tell you the truth it just make a teen rebel more my mom caught me out drinking one night at 15 and she grounded me for a whole mounth with nothing no tv no friends nothing and it didnt affect me at all ..i just ran away with my older friend and didnt come home all summer got into the drugs bad like ectasy and stuff and finally my mother put me into group homes and foster homes and once i got out of them i was still doing what i use to ..our faimly went to counsoling everything and once i was outta the group home i just moved out on my own n got my own job and kept partyin see at the age 15-18 you think you know it all believe me i thought i knew everything ..i know relize that i did alot of bad stuff and i wish i could take back alot of the stuff i did to but my parents loved me and were there but i could never sit down and actually talk to them i never knew the affect of the drugs that i was useing could have on me and what they could do for me all i knew was they made me high and i loved them .. i understand youi're worried about ur brother but what you really need to do is sit down talk to him about it and show him what these drugs could do to him and what could happen if he over dosed ..its scary and believe me if i knew back then what could have happend and know i see ppl all the time who are hooked on drugs i would have nvr ever done them..
Thanks so much for your comments. You hit the nail on the head.
I just wanted to comment that I don't think you should feel bad about setting firm boundaries as an effort to give this child some structure. 17 or not, it will be positive for him to know and understand that rules are meant to be followed and there are consequences for breaking such rules. I agree that catching him probably took a great weight off of his shoulders and he will learn from that experiance that truthfulness always makes us feel better. I would continue trying to set a positive influence in your home. You have every right to have rules in your home and to enforce such rules for anyone who resides there. I also wanted to mention that I think some of the other women are forgetting that you have two other young children at home and I am sure it is pertinent that while you are doing everything you can to help your brother that he doesn't negatively influence your children in the process. I agree that counseling may be in order and that you certainly don't want to cut him off completely or he will absolutely rebel in greater ways. Good luck and I am sure this has not been an easy road for you!
Well said RockRose and to myproblem, I'm sorry if you found my reply offensive, sometimes I can be a little too passionate/defensive when it comes to our youth.
Thanks. He is pretty good in a lot of ways. He has always tried to push the boundaries a lot harder than most kids though, and that's what gets him into trouble. He's doing ok in school, but tries to do as little work as possible. Same at home. He knows that we love him, and that we'll support any reasonable thing he tries to do in life. He's actually been more cheerful since we caught him. I think that the deception was stressing him out. He still has TV and video games, and he can hang out with friends, or have them here to spend the night. I didn't want to cut him off completely.
myproblem - he sounds like he's succeeding in a lot of areas. It sounds like he is succeeding in school - at least passing? And he's going to school every day, and staying there, and there aren't excessive reports from the school that he is acting out?
He's doing much better than you'd think, under the circumstances. He was with your mother in a very volatile situation, then homeschooled and isolated for a year, and now he's in a completely different school in a large city. Boys in high school aren't very welcoming of newcomers and often the only friends a boy has the option of having, being new to a school and without some big talent like sports etc., are the kids who are kind of on the skids.
My husband changed schools at this age, as did his much older brother - different years, but same story. A couple weeks ago we were all together and they talked about how hard that was - I think "misery" is what they called it.
You don't really know what he was planning to do with those pills. He said he was going to take them, but there is also a chance he was planning to give them away to impress acquaintances, or sell them for alcohol, or sex. You really don't know.
On balance he sounds like he's being fairly compliant, and fairly easy to be around, as much as a boy that age usually is.
I don't think I'd punish him for this. He needs friends, so you don't want to remove that completely, and he needs to feel like he has some priviledges in his life - that's what makes it worth living.
He's having a bit of a tough time, and trying out wild behaviors. Not irr-recoverable.
And I wouldn't give up on the thought of therapy. If you found him a group therapy situation, or a counselor who really relates well to teenagers, he might enjoy going. I know kids who ask to go. You need to find a therapist who will help him adjust, and listen to him, and help him feel comfortable and want to succeed - not one whose goal it is to tell him to straighten up and fly right or else.
Best wishes. I have a feeling he'll turn out to be a really wonderful young man.
He's doing much better than you'd think, under the circumstances. He was with your mother in a very volatile situation, then homeschooled and isolated for a year, and now he's in a completely different school in a large city. Boys in high school aren't very welcoming of newcomers and often the only friends a boy has the option of having, being new to a school and without some big talent like sports etc., are the kids who are kind of on the skids.
My husband changed schools at this age, as did his much older brother - different years, but same story. A couple weeks ago we were all together and they talked about how hard that was - I think "misery" is what they called it.
You don't really know what he was planning to do with those pills. He said he was going to take them, but there is also a chance he was planning to give them away to impress acquaintances, or sell them for alcohol, or sex. You really don't know.
On balance he sounds like he's being fairly compliant, and fairly easy to be around, as much as a boy that age usually is.
I don't think I'd punish him for this. He needs friends, so you don't want to remove that completely, and he needs to feel like he has some priviledges in his life - that's what makes it worth living.
He's having a bit of a tough time, and trying out wild behaviors. Not irr-recoverable.
And I wouldn't give up on the thought of therapy. If you found him a group therapy situation, or a counselor who really relates well to teenagers, he might enjoy going. I know kids who ask to go. You need to find a therapist who will help him adjust, and listen to him, and help him feel comfortable and want to succeed - not one whose goal it is to tell him to straighten up and fly right or else.
Best wishes. I have a feeling he'll turn out to be a really wonderful young man.
maybe I could be of some help because I am a teen and my brother over dosed twice since my other brother died 8 months ago. My brother is 19. Before i give out info is this meds or the bad drugs? because I only know about the bad drugs.
No i didnt miss the the abuse issue, in fact, as someone who has studied pharmaceutical chemistry, i believe your doing harm by keeping him on such drugs at an early age. It primes the brain for addiction. Even though I have a vested interest for the sale of drugs, i dont believe in keeping kids on them unless there is a PROFOUND reason. This sounds, frankly, like a bad situation waiting to happen. I know every side effect they can cause and frankly none of them are good. None of the drugs that are approved for child use were tested long term, so allot is too unknown.
He might not have complained, but believe me, your just building resentment. You have to start raising him to be a man, not a child, and these tactics are not going to do that. More than one person here is saying the same thing, wonder why?
He might not have complained, but believe me, your just building resentment. You have to start raising him to be a man, not a child, and these tactics are not going to do that. More than one person here is saying the same thing, wonder why?
No I didn't miss anything.You took on the responsibility, deal with it. Do you think your stand over tactics are going to stop him going down the wrong track or taking/selling drugs? I don't think so. So I don't care if you want to abuse me because you can't deal with your own family.
I responded in empathy to your problem, obviously you want people who respond with "I'll say a prayer for you at Sunday mass" and "you're doing such a good job but I'd remove all his possessions and lock him in the basement for a month with only bread and water". You're not the only one with teenagers who get into trouble but probably one of many who still uses the same techniques that our parents and grandparents used.
I'm not ill informed either I have 3 teenagers I've studied youth work and have a diploma to work with disadvantaged young people AND 16 years ago I gave up heroin. So I've been there. Do what you want, you obviously are going to continue with how you're dealing with your brother no matter what anyone says.
$5 if he attends a religious class?? Sounds like bribery to me. LOL
I responded in empathy to your problem, obviously you want people who respond with "I'll say a prayer for you at Sunday mass" and "you're doing such a good job but I'd remove all his possessions and lock him in the basement for a month with only bread and water". You're not the only one with teenagers who get into trouble but probably one of many who still uses the same techniques that our parents and grandparents used.
I'm not ill informed either I have 3 teenagers I've studied youth work and have a diploma to work with disadvantaged young people AND 16 years ago I gave up heroin. So I've been there. Do what you want, you obviously are going to continue with how you're dealing with your brother no matter what anyone says.
$5 if he attends a religious class?? Sounds like bribery to me. LOL
Thanks. Yes, your advice was good. Thanks for the prayers too. You can never have too many praying for a teen who wants to be "bad".
Hey! I hope that I gave you some good advice. I think it was on the child/behavior forum. I sympathize, really I do! I have two teenagers too. It's not easy parenting teens. I think its' the hardest job in the world!
Try and take some of this advice with a grain of salt. This particular forum you posted on is for teens so you're probably getting advice from other teens. Just thought you might want to know
Hang in there! I pray everything gets better real soon. God bless.
Try and take some of this advice with a grain of salt. This particular forum you posted on is for teens so you're probably getting advice from other teens. Just thought you might want to know
Hang in there! I pray everything gets better real soon. God bless.
Did you miss the part where I said he was saving them to abuse them? Do you think I want to manage his life? When he wants to act like a grown up, I'll give him the privelige of being one. I was never "forcing" him to take it. I was watching him take it because I knew it had the potential for abuse. When I confronted him, he did not deny what he was saving it for. He also did not complain about his punishment which is a permanent loss of allowance, 2 months with no CD's or MP3 player, and no more spending the night at friends houses, indefinately. Of course he should be in counseling. How do you propose I get him there? Pay him? Physically drag him? Do you really think an almost 17 year old boy would go to counseling willingly? If he had told me he was no longer willing to take the meds that would have been fine. He was saving it to get high. Don't tell me someone who thinks drugs are a good choice should be treated like a "man".
I agree with donb_fl and that if anything he should be in counselling. I'm one of those parents who gave my son Dexamphetamine but when he was 15 he decided he was no longer going to take them at school or ever. I never forced him to keep taking them, he was old enough to make those choices about himself. It seems to me you are supervising his whole life and he's nearly a man. I think you are setting him up to withdraw away from you. Sorry but you should be "offering" guidance without dictation.
I would've just thrown the bag of meds away and not bothered getting anymore.
I would've just thrown the bag of meds away and not bothered getting anymore.
um, he is fixing to be 17 and male. in every state that i know of you cant make him take anything he doesn't want to when it comes to drugs and medical care without a court order. It sounds like your treating him like a small child, frankly, and that approach isn't really going to work. I think he should be in counseling and you need to learn to learn to accept that he has the ability to make choices. If he enjoyed being high on the old med, then it sounds like many parents, she inadvertly turned him addiction susceptible. If he hasn't been taking his meds and is showing improvement, possibly pharmaceutical methods are not best for him, might actually be bad since he is wanting to get high.
When he is no longer dependent on you, he will very likely re take up his habit. So, you need to contact the professionals, specifically counselers used to handling these situations, and also his school administrators who will be able to help. Friends and family can help too,
Keep doing what you are doing, baiscally punish him until he gets his act together. And let him know that too. He will definitely realize if he puts it together, then he will get his privledges back. It might take awhile, but it will probably be worth it.
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