Aa
I think I got my 17 year old cousin pregnant
I dont know how to say it any other way, but Im a 24 year old guy and over last christmas break I was spending alot of time hanging out around my 17 year old first cousin who had just turned 17, who is a junior in high school and very cute and she had been having problems with her longtime boyfriend at the time; in any event, we ended up making out at first, and eventually having unprotected sex several times over one week and now i just found out she's pregnant.
Neither she nor I ever told anybody about our relationship, and although we've kept in touch since then, I think that the family is assuming it is her boyfriends. The problem is that she had not had sex at all until she did with me, and even though she initially came on to me and I should have tried harder to resist and turn her down, I didnt and now she's pregnant. I dont know if she and her boyfriend became sexually active afterwards or not, but she was raised by very religious parents who were strictly against pre-marital sex, and she is a very active christian herself, so its hard to say.
Look, I know I messed up, but Im willing to do what's right, if I could find someplace that allows 17 year olds to marry their older first cousins, which I think is something that would be important to her, even though Im not exactly a devout christian Im very open minded and willing to do the right thing - if I just knew what that was!. Ive recently been admitted to Dental school this upcoming fall, and I am truly absolutely willing to own up and face the consequences, and either marry my cousin if thats what she wants or let her come live with me and let me help support her and the baby, as I could get a part time job to make extra money while Im in school.
I just dont know what to do about this or how to go about it! when she and I visited about it briefly on facebook chat she's at a total loss for what to do and is looking to me for guidance and support. Since she is such a devout christian cannot imagine that she would contemplate an abortion, but if she did that would be her decision and I would support her, but Im not going to suggest it to her unless she brings it up first. Although she hasnt said anything about marriage yet, Im pretty sure she wants to be married before having a child, and I suspect she'd say yes if I decided to ask her, although under the circumstances its hard to say. I know its going to be hard on our families anyway around it, but Id rather try to man up to my mistake than either be another absentee father who just sends a child support check or let some other guy take the blame.
Neither she nor I ever told anybody about our relationship, and although we've kept in touch since then, I think that the family is assuming it is her boyfriends. The problem is that she had not had sex at all until she did with me, and even though she initially came on to me and I should have tried harder to resist and turn her down, I didnt and now she's pregnant. I dont know if she and her boyfriend became sexually active afterwards or not, but she was raised by very religious parents who were strictly against pre-marital sex, and she is a very active christian herself, so its hard to say.
Look, I know I messed up, but Im willing to do what's right, if I could find someplace that allows 17 year olds to marry their older first cousins, which I think is something that would be important to her, even though Im not exactly a devout christian Im very open minded and willing to do the right thing - if I just knew what that was!. Ive recently been admitted to Dental school this upcoming fall, and I am truly absolutely willing to own up and face the consequences, and either marry my cousin if thats what she wants or let her come live with me and let me help support her and the baby, as I could get a part time job to make extra money while Im in school.
I just dont know what to do about this or how to go about it! when she and I visited about it briefly on facebook chat she's at a total loss for what to do and is looking to me for guidance and support. Since she is such a devout christian cannot imagine that she would contemplate an abortion, but if she did that would be her decision and I would support her, but Im not going to suggest it to her unless she brings it up first. Although she hasnt said anything about marriage yet, Im pretty sure she wants to be married before having a child, and I suspect she'd say yes if I decided to ask her, although under the circumstances its hard to say. I know its going to be hard on our families anyway around it, but Id rather try to man up to my mistake than either be another absentee father who just sends a child support check or let some other guy take the blame.
first...if she's your first cousin...blood relative...you need to worry about birth defects. Get a paternity test.
second...own up to what you did. Depending what state you live in and how her parents are...there could be dire consequences. That is something you're just going to have to deal with.
third...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?!?! Whether she was hitting on you or not...she's 17 and your cousin! That is disgusting.
second...own up to what you did. Depending what state you live in and how her parents are...there could be dire consequences. That is something you're just going to have to deal with.
third...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?!?! Whether she was hitting on you or not...she's 17 and your cousin! That is disgusting.
First, get a paternity test to see if the baby is yours, since you don't know if she slept with her boyfriend, too. Then you can go from there.
Second, you have to face what you did and take responsibility. You slept with your first cousin, which can lead to birth defects. Also, you are 24 and she is a minor(age 17), which means this can be looked at as statutory rape. If her parents wanted to, they can call the police on you and you will forever have the title of a sex offender.
I don't think your cousin is as "devote" as you call her, since she so easily had sex with you, her cousin. Any strong Christian in their faith can turn down sex. Talk to your cousin and have her get a paternity test. Then deal with the consequences of your actions.
Second, you have to face what you did and take responsibility. You slept with your first cousin, which can lead to birth defects. Also, you are 24 and she is a minor(age 17), which means this can be looked at as statutory rape. If her parents wanted to, they can call the police on you and you will forever have the title of a sex offender.
I don't think your cousin is as "devote" as you call her, since she so easily had sex with you, her cousin. Any strong Christian in their faith can turn down sex. Talk to your cousin and have her get a paternity test. Then deal with the consequences of your actions.
That sounds real bad, but you should definitely get a paternity test to be sure, like the other folks have said. its a totally messed up situation, but i do think you should get at least some credit for saying that you would support her and the baby.
its weird that she was your cousin, but Ive known other people who hooked up with their cousins before. i have an older cousin who is totally hot, and ive kinda flirted with him before, and if it weren't like a totally hillbilly thing to do, id want to date him. except that its wrong. But yea, i think people used to do it more than they do now, but some one told me that its illegal to marry your first cousin in alot of states.
and speaking of illegal, 17 is young and all, but i definitely like hooked up with guys who were in their twenties when i was 17 - it really depends alot on the person...but yea, you like really need to see what the age of consent is whereever you live. i think its different in different places, like sometimes its 18, sometimes its 17. you should really look into that.
oh and don't take this the wrong way, but i thought everyone knew that theres always at least one of the jesus freak girls who has a wild side. im not saying that about your cousin, im sure shes a nice christian girl and all, but have you seen that movie Saved? you shoulda known better.
its weird that she was your cousin, but Ive known other people who hooked up with their cousins before. i have an older cousin who is totally hot, and ive kinda flirted with him before, and if it weren't like a totally hillbilly thing to do, id want to date him. except that its wrong. But yea, i think people used to do it more than they do now, but some one told me that its illegal to marry your first cousin in alot of states.
and speaking of illegal, 17 is young and all, but i definitely like hooked up with guys who were in their twenties when i was 17 - it really depends alot on the person...but yea, you like really need to see what the age of consent is whereever you live. i think its different in different places, like sometimes its 18, sometimes its 17. you should really look into that.
oh and don't take this the wrong way, but i thought everyone knew that theres always at least one of the jesus freak girls who has a wild side. im not saying that about your cousin, im sure shes a nice christian girl and all, but have you seen that movie Saved? you shoulda known better.
No judgement here for you or your cousin. I believe she and her parents are devout, as you state. See, Christians are not perfect, they are people. If they were perfect they would be God. So no matter the sin, God is not through with us yet. My main concern is that you knew she was in a bad way concerning the relationship with her boyfriend. This should have put you on guard that you would be thinking for both of you. I understand that things happen, but you had several chances to stop making the mistake. (1)The "on the downlow" thing to do would be wait until the baby is born and see what paternity tests bring to light. If she did have sex with her boyfriend, she may be tempted by the stress and lead him to believe it's his without getting the test. That would be a disservice to everyone. (2)The manly thing to do would be to go with her to tell her parents that you and she had sex. Then find out the first day of her last period and use a pregnancy calculator--these are NOT foolproof. Support her as a family member--she is not your girlfriend-- until paternity is established. And please, don't the two of you make another mistake by getting married. Being an unwed mother is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Let God be her bridegroom. Also, do not further tempt yourself with the thinking that "she is already pregnant" so what do i have to lose. You should only be with her in the company of her parents or yours.
Becksmokes - the cousin thing isn't about it being "hillbilly". First cousins can have children with severe birth defects. Which is why it's bad to have any sort of relations with your immediate family (grandparents, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, first cousins...). It's not just taboo but can produce children with serious health issues.
As far as the age goes...it's not about how "cool with it" the person is. There are laws against an adult being with a minor. 17 is a minor. There are some states that have a lower age of consent and depending which state the op is in, if that age of consent is NOT below 18 he can be prosecuted for statutory rape, corruption of a minor and be jailed/fine and/or have to register as a sex offender. And it does NOT matter if the sex was consenual or not. According to the law...a minor can not consent to sex. Even with someone of the same age.
As far as the age goes...it's not about how "cool with it" the person is. There are laws against an adult being with a minor. 17 is a minor. There are some states that have a lower age of consent and depending which state the op is in, if that age of consent is NOT below 18 he can be prosecuted for statutory rape, corruption of a minor and be jailed/fine and/or have to register as a sex offender. And it does NOT matter if the sex was consenual or not. According to the law...a minor can not consent to sex. Even with someone of the same age.
So, I've been looking into it and from what I can tell the age of consent here is 17, which is what I thought it was. Apparently 16 or 17 is actually the age of consent many places in the U.S., but 17 is very common. Even thought my cousin is really young looking, and she has just barely turned 17 recently, it does make me feel slightly less paranoid.
I also had a heart to heart discussion with my cousin earlier tonight, and I drove in several hours just to go see her and talk about things in person. First, she said the baby was definitely mine, and that she had no doubt about it and there was no way it could be anyone elses. I know thats not exactly a paternity test, but if that's what she says, then I believe her.
Second, she said that she is going to keep the baby no matter what, and wanted to know if I'd be there for her and the child. When I looked into her eyes, I couldnt help but promise her that Id always be there for her. She cried a little, but tried to smile.
Then she said that she wanted me to know that it was very important to her as a christian that the child not be born out of wedlock. I told her that if that was what she wanted, then I agreed. She cried a little more and hugged me tightly and thanked me over and over. I almost didnt know what to say so I just held her and kept telling her that it was going to be alright.
I think Im still in shock at all of this, so Im not sure if she or I are thinking clearly, but I guess its all I can do to act on instinct. She still hasnt told her parents that Im the father, and she wants me to be there with her holding her hand when she tells them, which I told her I would be glad to do. Through out everything Ive tried very hard to be agreeable to whatever she asks for, and supportive of her in anyway possible, because I dont want her to feel like she's in this alone. I still dont know how her parents are going to take it, or how my parents are going to take it, so any advice on how to approach those discussion is greatly appreciated.
I also had a heart to heart discussion with my cousin earlier tonight, and I drove in several hours just to go see her and talk about things in person. First, she said the baby was definitely mine, and that she had no doubt about it and there was no way it could be anyone elses. I know thats not exactly a paternity test, but if that's what she says, then I believe her.
Second, she said that she is going to keep the baby no matter what, and wanted to know if I'd be there for her and the child. When I looked into her eyes, I couldnt help but promise her that Id always be there for her. She cried a little, but tried to smile.
Then she said that she wanted me to know that it was very important to her as a christian that the child not be born out of wedlock. I told her that if that was what she wanted, then I agreed. She cried a little more and hugged me tightly and thanked me over and over. I almost didnt know what to say so I just held her and kept telling her that it was going to be alright.
I think Im still in shock at all of this, so Im not sure if she or I are thinking clearly, but I guess its all I can do to act on instinct. She still hasnt told her parents that Im the father, and she wants me to be there with her holding her hand when she tells them, which I told her I would be glad to do. Through out everything Ive tried very hard to be agreeable to whatever she asks for, and supportive of her in anyway possible, because I dont want her to feel like she's in this alone. I still dont know how her parents are going to take it, or how my parents are going to take it, so any advice on how to approach those discussion is greatly appreciated.
I don't know how much advice you will really get. I can't see her being this devout christian you keep making her out to be if she's so willing to have sex with family, regardless of anything. Sure, people are human and have hormones. That is in NO way an excuse. If I went out and killed someone and said, 'sorry, it was hormones' would I get off scott free? Hell no. She needs to learn self control, and so should you. You're 24, it's time to grow up and be more responsible than that. (Yes I'm being very harsh, and you both need it)
You ask over and over what the right thing is. I know this much, and it's not to marry your cousin or to even be involved in any way with her. You already are putting this baby at higher risk of defects. Now imagine this child's future and what this will do. Who wants to admit they are inbreed?
As for family, don't be shocked if it goes extreme. I know if I were in your place, my family would disown me, the father and possibility the child. And I know if my daughter did the same, I'd probably be disgusted with her as well. There is no nice way to get around any of this. You know what needs to be done, so do it.
You ask over and over what the right thing is. I know this much, and it's not to marry your cousin or to even be involved in any way with her. You already are putting this baby at higher risk of defects. Now imagine this child's future and what this will do. Who wants to admit they are inbreed?
As for family, don't be shocked if it goes extreme. I know if I were in your place, my family would disown me, the father and possibility the child. And I know if my daughter did the same, I'd probably be disgusted with her as well. There is no nice way to get around any of this. You know what needs to be done, so do it.
yea, this is a totally messed up situation, and this guy knows that he screwed up royally, but i do kinda think everyone is being maybe a bit too harsh and not too helpful.
I suppose its appropriate that someone, or everyone even, tell this guy that he is a sleezy jackass who needs to grow up, and that this girl obviously isnt a perfect christian since she slept with her cousin, which there is no excuse for - all of which may be totally true..
but all the judgment any of us can pass on this creep still wont pay the child support if this guy bails and it wont fix the situation if the poor girl is kicked out of house by her parents.
If the girl doesnt want to a) get an abortion or b) try and claim its her boyfriends, then her only option is c) tell the truth and face the music. seems like thats 50/50 at best. maybe her parents will be ok and will keep supporting her and help her raise the baby without the cousin in the picture - if so, great. but what if the super strict/religious parents flip out and disown their daughter like someone said - then what? should she turn down her cousins offer to help and go straight to a womens shelter or homeless shelter? does she call child protective services? go on welfare? if it came to it, are any of those better options than going to live with her cousin? im not sure they are - they may be - but i dont know.
I suppose its appropriate that someone, or everyone even, tell this guy that he is a sleezy jackass who needs to grow up, and that this girl obviously isnt a perfect christian since she slept with her cousin, which there is no excuse for - all of which may be totally true..
but all the judgment any of us can pass on this creep still wont pay the child support if this guy bails and it wont fix the situation if the poor girl is kicked out of house by her parents.
If the girl doesnt want to a) get an abortion or b) try and claim its her boyfriends, then her only option is c) tell the truth and face the music. seems like thats 50/50 at best. maybe her parents will be ok and will keep supporting her and help her raise the baby without the cousin in the picture - if so, great. but what if the super strict/religious parents flip out and disown their daughter like someone said - then what? should she turn down her cousins offer to help and go straight to a womens shelter or homeless shelter? does she call child protective services? go on welfare? if it came to it, are any of those better options than going to live with her cousin? im not sure they are - they may be - but i dont know.
Philmore - Don't take her word for it! Like others have pointed out it's apparent she's not a completely devoted Christian and could very well be lying. Get the paternity test. Don't be locked into a situation if you don't have to be. What you did was wrong. You do need to own up for it, but if there is a chance she's lying and the child is not yours...find out. Don't be guilted into doing anything if you don't know for 100% sure. And her crying isn't a paternity test. It's a scared little girl who knows everyone is going to be mad at her and is trying to shift some blame to somebody else. Despite her not wanting a child out of wedlock...well she should have thought of that BEFORE having unprotected sex. That ship sailed...GET THE PATERNITY TEST!!! Do NOT just believe her and marry her. That could be the worst decision of your life. Even if the child is yours...don't marry her. That is your first cousin. If any other children were to be produced...those risks of birth defect is still there and you could end up with a brood of children with serious health issues. Don't risk it. Even if this one child would turn out fine...the next one may not.
Think with your head. Not about what is "right" as far as marriage goes. Do own up and pay child support and be a father if the baby is yours but in this situation...marriage is most definitely NOT the answer if the baby is yours. IF.
Think with your head. Not about what is "right" as far as marriage goes. Do own up and pay child support and be a father if the baby is yours but in this situation...marriage is most definitely NOT the answer if the baby is yours. IF.
Your cousin saying it is your baby does NOT count as a paternity test. You do need to have an actual paternity test to see if this baby is truly yours or not. I don't care how much you "trust" her, you still need to get the test done. Don't be guilted into anything. And even if this baby is yours, I still think you should NOT marry her. You would put this child at a very high risk for birth defects and if she wanted more children, you would put them at a very high risk. Plus the children could forever be made fun of being that they are inbred. Do not marry your cousin. If this baby is yours, then be a man and pay child support, but do not marry your cousin.
Penswriter's last comment about your cousin not wanting to be an unwed mother is right. You had sex several times with her. Why no protection? This is the fault of both parties. DNA. She may have gotten pregnant before or after you.
Last night I drove over to see my cousin and talk to her about getting a paternity test done and the two of us were up in her room with the door closed, about to have that conversation while my cousin was cleaning up her room a bit and packing a few things, when her mother knocked at the door and came in.
My aunt seemed really upset, like she was trying to hold back from saying something. It was quiet for what seemed like a while minute, and I got the feeling that she already knew. When she spoke, her lower lip was quivering and she just said coldly "you two better go right now before my husband comes home". I started to say something, anything, about what she was talking about and how I she understand and I heard my cousin sniffle a little bit like she was going to start crying; but before I got the chance to ask any questions she interrupted me again.
She said something like "No, you dont understand. My husband is going to be home any minute and if he finds either of you here, its going to get ugly. You need to leave right now. "
My cousin tugged at my arm, and I looked and saw that she was very worried looking, and had tears in her eyes. She was so upset she had trouble speaking, but managed to say that she wanted to go right now before he got here. I looked into her eyes and I couldnt say no. I was freaked out, partly because my uncle is a big guy, much bigger than me, and partly because all of this was moving way too fast for me to do anything about it.
My aunt picked up two bags on the bed that my cousin had been packing and handed them to me and said again louder that we needed to go right now and that I needed to take her with me and leave before her father came home. Again I wanted to say something, but I couldnt think of what to say or what to do, so I just took the bags and hurriedly walked out to my car with my cousin. My aunt was ice cold the whole time, never saying she loved her daughter, never showing any sympathy, and never even saying good bye. My cousin got in the car like she was ready to go. So I just drove off and headed back to my apartment with my cousin.
I wanted to talk to her so badly about what happened, what was going on, but she was either quiet and didnt want to talk or she was crying and wanting me to comfort her. Either way it was a long ride back to my apartment. She said that she wants spend her spring break with me, which is next week, and I reluctantly agreed.
I'm not really sure where this is going right now, because things seem to be moving faster than I can keep up with.
My aunt seemed really upset, like she was trying to hold back from saying something. It was quiet for what seemed like a while minute, and I got the feeling that she already knew. When she spoke, her lower lip was quivering and she just said coldly "you two better go right now before my husband comes home". I started to say something, anything, about what she was talking about and how I she understand and I heard my cousin sniffle a little bit like she was going to start crying; but before I got the chance to ask any questions she interrupted me again.
She said something like "No, you dont understand. My husband is going to be home any minute and if he finds either of you here, its going to get ugly. You need to leave right now. "
My cousin tugged at my arm, and I looked and saw that she was very worried looking, and had tears in her eyes. She was so upset she had trouble speaking, but managed to say that she wanted to go right now before he got here. I looked into her eyes and I couldnt say no. I was freaked out, partly because my uncle is a big guy, much bigger than me, and partly because all of this was moving way too fast for me to do anything about it.
My aunt picked up two bags on the bed that my cousin had been packing and handed them to me and said again louder that we needed to go right now and that I needed to take her with me and leave before her father came home. Again I wanted to say something, but I couldnt think of what to say or what to do, so I just took the bags and hurriedly walked out to my car with my cousin. My aunt was ice cold the whole time, never saying she loved her daughter, never showing any sympathy, and never even saying good bye. My cousin got in the car like she was ready to go. So I just drove off and headed back to my apartment with my cousin.
I wanted to talk to her so badly about what happened, what was going on, but she was either quiet and didnt want to talk or she was crying and wanting me to comfort her. Either way it was a long ride back to my apartment. She said that she wants spend her spring break with me, which is next week, and I reluctantly agreed.
I'm not really sure where this is going right now, because things seem to be moving faster than I can keep up with.
Don't just agree with what ever your cousin says. Talk about getting the paternity test done and I'd also bring up the option of adoption vs keeping the baby. I'm sorry this is happening, but you took that chance when you had sex with your cousin. These are the consequences. Take things one day at a time.
I don't know how many more times we can tell you...get that paternity test. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS! Tears are easy to turn on and off. She's going for sympathy and pity. She doesn't want to be the "bad" one in this. She's going to drag down anyone around her and hun...that's you. She is not as devout a christian and good girl as she's leading people to believe. It's not that difficult to refrain from sex. And for her to do it multiple times, unprotected with her cousin...if she did with you chances are she is with someone(s) else.
Don't let her stay with you. Find a friend or other relative. It will lead to nothing but more trouble.
Don't let her stay with you. Find a friend or other relative. It will lead to nothing but more trouble.
Sweatpea and Penswriter are so right!! I realize this is a hard situation. You better get some help right away. You are going into dental school? Ask your planning counselor to get you in with someone you can talk to and get help from. These services are free on university campuses. And it is time for your cousin to live with another relative or go to DHS for help with lodging and medical care--they should also know that a minor is not living with her parents. BirthRight/BirthJoy/AlphaCenter can help her with her needs and counselling for both of you as well. I hope this is not your child as you are NOT ready. I would also suggest you speak with a clergyperson if you can't get to another counselor. I think I will have to remove this from my watch list. I wish you the best of luck and even more, I hope you wake up and get it together.
Don't marry her. She's trying to make you seem like the bad guy. If you fall for it, you're guilty.
Thanks for everyones suggestions, and I really will get around to getting a paternity test done before too long. I dont know much about how paternity tests are done, where to get them, or how much they cost, so any specific information is appreciated.
I also have been thinking more about the marriage thing, and looking into it more, and Im not sure we'd be able to get married anywhere before she's 18 without her parents consent, since it seems thats the age most states require. Since my cousin just recently turned 17 last month and she says she thinks she is about three months pregnant I dont see how a marriage would be possible at this time, but I told her Id keep looking into it.
As far as not letting her live with me for now, I guess that is a harder sell for me because I could never ask her to leave knowing she has no other place to go. Besides that, its actually been really nice this week having her around all the time. Other than the fact that she is apparently a compulsive chain smoker of almost two packs a day, she's probably the best roommate Ive ever had. Im still trying to get used to her constant smoking, because although I knew/thought she was just an occasional social smoker back in December when we started seeing each other, I had no idea how much she actually smokes; ive already had to buy her two more cartons because she was running out. She says shes going to try to cut back because she knows its bad for our babys health, but that shes just so stressed out right now its hard to quit, which I guess I understand.
But seriously, other than her constant smoking, she really is great to have around. She does all my laundry, makes our bed, cleans up around the apartment and has cooked (or at least tried to cook) every day this week. My apartment has probably never been cleaner or more welcoming to come home to after work and I think she has really enjoyed playing house, which is something I think shed be good at because she makes a really cute little housewife (although shes already calling herself my wife, which is kinda weird, but I guess works since we already share the same last name). She also claims she wants to drop out of high school after spring break, which I think is a really bad idea, but I guess I cant really stop her if thats her decision.
Again, all of this is moving so fast, its hard to keep it all in focus. Right now what Im trying to figure out is what do I do at the end of the week, when her spring break is up. I cant send her home, because she says her father wont speak to her, so it looks like we may have to live together for the foreseeable future. That seems workable, and I will admit it is really nice having her around because she so sweet and loving, but little logistical things will have to be figured out; for instance, she only brought enough clothes for a week, four blouses, two skirts, and only one pair of shoes but no socks, which she claims to not like wearing anyways. I could never in good conscious ask a girl this sweet to leave if I knew she had no place to go, especially not my cousin.
I dont know how to resolve this, because honestly its beyond me. If we dont have this figured out by the end of the summer, I suppose she could move down to live with me when I hope to start dental school, which frankly was never my original plan, but I dont know what else to do.
I also have been thinking more about the marriage thing, and looking into it more, and Im not sure we'd be able to get married anywhere before she's 18 without her parents consent, since it seems thats the age most states require. Since my cousin just recently turned 17 last month and she says she thinks she is about three months pregnant I dont see how a marriage would be possible at this time, but I told her Id keep looking into it.
As far as not letting her live with me for now, I guess that is a harder sell for me because I could never ask her to leave knowing she has no other place to go. Besides that, its actually been really nice this week having her around all the time. Other than the fact that she is apparently a compulsive chain smoker of almost two packs a day, she's probably the best roommate Ive ever had. Im still trying to get used to her constant smoking, because although I knew/thought she was just an occasional social smoker back in December when we started seeing each other, I had no idea how much she actually smokes; ive already had to buy her two more cartons because she was running out. She says shes going to try to cut back because she knows its bad for our babys health, but that shes just so stressed out right now its hard to quit, which I guess I understand.
But seriously, other than her constant smoking, she really is great to have around. She does all my laundry, makes our bed, cleans up around the apartment and has cooked (or at least tried to cook) every day this week. My apartment has probably never been cleaner or more welcoming to come home to after work and I think she has really enjoyed playing house, which is something I think shed be good at because she makes a really cute little housewife (although shes already calling herself my wife, which is kinda weird, but I guess works since we already share the same last name). She also claims she wants to drop out of high school after spring break, which I think is a really bad idea, but I guess I cant really stop her if thats her decision.
Again, all of this is moving so fast, its hard to keep it all in focus. Right now what Im trying to figure out is what do I do at the end of the week, when her spring break is up. I cant send her home, because she says her father wont speak to her, so it looks like we may have to live together for the foreseeable future. That seems workable, and I will admit it is really nice having her around because she so sweet and loving, but little logistical things will have to be figured out; for instance, she only brought enough clothes for a week, four blouses, two skirts, and only one pair of shoes but no socks, which she claims to not like wearing anyways. I could never in good conscious ask a girl this sweet to leave if I knew she had no place to go, especially not my cousin.
I dont know how to resolve this, because honestly its beyond me. If we dont have this figured out by the end of the summer, I suppose she could move down to live with me when I hope to start dental school, which frankly was never my original plan, but I dont know what else to do.
She just turned 17 a month ago? You were sleeping with a 16 year old?? Ugh..this gets more and more disturbing. Over 5 billion people in the world, and you choose to sleep with your cousin?
Before I go on a tanget...you need to stop and take many steps backward. You seem to be under the impression you're doing the right thing, and I'm sorry, you're not. You've let her stay with you, that's cool. But from how you worded it, she's also sleeping with you. You're letting her chain smoke, when she's pregnant. She also apparently wants to drop out of high school and is saying she's your wife. Do you understand how wrong this is, and on how many levels? Or are you blind to that fact as well. SHE'S USING YOU. She knows she screwed up and is dragging you down with her. She doesn't want to own up or face what has happened, and she knows her tears and sympathy work and you're letting her walk all over you. You're showing all your weaknesses, starting from when you gave into her coming on to you.
Think about it, and ignore the big picture. She's 17, and pregnant. Teen moms already have a rough enough life. Now she apparently wants to drop out of school. Statistically high school drop outs make next to nothing. Jobs don't want anyone that doesn't graduate, and being that she's young and qualified for nothing, they especially don't want her. Next, she wants to get married. She claims it's because "she's religious". Why does that even matter at this point? Religion clearly hasn't up till then. Incest, sex before marriage, I'm sure the list goes on. Again, from an outsiders view, it's because then she can rely on you more. She knows you'll support her and her baby and she won't have to do a thing. You're clearly not thinking at all and are willing to give into any and all of her demands, and you can't. You need to learn to get a backbone and stop letting her walk all over you.
As for the paternity test, that won't be done until the child is born. There's something doctors can do called an Amnio, but it carries a rate of miscarriage and usually doctors won't do it just to find out paternity.
Before I go on a tanget...you need to stop and take many steps backward. You seem to be under the impression you're doing the right thing, and I'm sorry, you're not. You've let her stay with you, that's cool. But from how you worded it, she's also sleeping with you. You're letting her chain smoke, when she's pregnant. She also apparently wants to drop out of high school and is saying she's your wife. Do you understand how wrong this is, and on how many levels? Or are you blind to that fact as well. SHE'S USING YOU. She knows she screwed up and is dragging you down with her. She doesn't want to own up or face what has happened, and she knows her tears and sympathy work and you're letting her walk all over you. You're showing all your weaknesses, starting from when you gave into her coming on to you.
Think about it, and ignore the big picture. She's 17, and pregnant. Teen moms already have a rough enough life. Now she apparently wants to drop out of school. Statistically high school drop outs make next to nothing. Jobs don't want anyone that doesn't graduate, and being that she's young and qualified for nothing, they especially don't want her. Next, she wants to get married. She claims it's because "she's religious". Why does that even matter at this point? Religion clearly hasn't up till then. Incest, sex before marriage, I'm sure the list goes on. Again, from an outsiders view, it's because then she can rely on you more. She knows you'll support her and her baby and she won't have to do a thing. You're clearly not thinking at all and are willing to give into any and all of her demands, and you can't. You need to learn to get a backbone and stop letting her walk all over you.
As for the paternity test, that won't be done until the child is born. There's something doctors can do called an Amnio, but it carries a rate of miscarriage and usually doctors won't do it just to find out paternity.
And now I'm done. We've tried explaining the consequences of all of this too you. The risk to this child and any future children, the fact those children will be tormented in school for being inbred and being the butt of everybody's jokes, she's barely 17...which this is satutory rape fyi, she's sleeping with you...
This situation is so messed up...I feel bad for the child. good luck and I hope you wake up to reality.
Oh and her chain smoking is adding to the risks of defects to the baby. So now the baby will most likely REALLY have issues. My parents WEREN'T related but my mom smoked...I have a bad heart and serious asthma. If this baby is yours add in the risk of birth defects from being inbred and the constant smoking...that baby has everything going against him/her.
This situation is so messed up...I feel bad for the child. good luck and I hope you wake up to reality.
Oh and her chain smoking is adding to the risks of defects to the baby. So now the baby will most likely REALLY have issues. My parents WEREN'T related but my mom smoked...I have a bad heart and serious asthma. If this baby is yours add in the risk of birth defects from being inbred and the constant smoking...that baby has everything going against him/her.
Your story has changed up a bit. I feel like you are a sick individual. Normally I don't say things like this on help boards. Either you need serious professional help or this is all a mean-spirited joke (and you need serious professional help). If you want to know paternity, a test called CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) can be done after 12 weeks gestation.
clysta is so right, it sounds like your cousin is totally using you. it may be your baby but you dont know for sure until you get a paternity test. i know you think youre just trying to help fix the situation but your really not. it might be ok for you to let her stay with you for a little while until she can move back home or find a better place to go, but you cant let yourself get trapped and it sounds like you are just giving her whatever she wants.
and yea, the smoking. i totally know how easy it is to addicted, ive been a pretty heavy smoker myself for years and when i was pregnant a little over year ago i couldnt quit no matter how hard i tried because the stress was awful. for alot of unrelated reasons i ended up getting an abortion, which i totally regret, but it was my right and my decision and now i have to live with it. i think its totally ok for your cousin to have the baby if thats what she really wants, but she better be ready to deal with the consequences and it sounds like shes not. if shes having the baby she needs to try to at least cut back on her chain smoking. maybe she should seriously think about adoption, i dont know.
will you please do yourself and your cousin a huge favor and go get some counseling ?
and yea, the smoking. i totally know how easy it is to addicted, ive been a pretty heavy smoker myself for years and when i was pregnant a little over year ago i couldnt quit no matter how hard i tried because the stress was awful. for alot of unrelated reasons i ended up getting an abortion, which i totally regret, but it was my right and my decision and now i have to live with it. i think its totally ok for your cousin to have the baby if thats what she really wants, but she better be ready to deal with the consequences and it sounds like shes not. if shes having the baby she needs to try to at least cut back on her chain smoking. maybe she should seriously think about adoption, i dont know.
will you please do yourself and your cousin a huge favor and go get some counseling ?
Everyone has already pretty much said everything I would say...even when my hormones were raging, I used to be able to share a room with my male cousins who were of an age with me, and sleeping with them NEVER crossed my mind. yuck. but what's done is done. what can be fixed is what you do from here.
Just so you know...her age is the LEAST problem you will face when wanting to marry. THe fact that you are first cousins is illegal as far as marriage is concerned in most states. There's a reason for this. it's BAD for breeding. your child has more than double the risk for any birth defect. and in case you aren't figuring this one out, I'll explain it to you. You share the same genes. the - same - genes. so any birth defects that would normally be diluted by mixing with DIFFERENT blood, will in fact be magnified. often blood mixing with like produces horrific birth defects, and this is why it has been outlawed. most people don't even need the law to tell them it's wrong though. we are hard-wired from birth not to be attracted to family as a genetic safeguard. people with mental illness can overcome this safeguard, which is why there are so many cases of incestuous abuse.
personally, I hope your uncle catches up with you. at this point, send the CHILD home. let her go home and be with her parents who can care for her, and help her with this child and the medical bills the child will probably wrack up. deal with the consequences of your actions by facing your uncle. you're an adult (she is not) therefore you are responsible for what happened, and you must stand up and take what comes. the bible tells us this, since you're so "devout". you are ruining her life, and the child's life, by doing what you are doing...I'm not kidding. do you know how outcasted she and the child will be? "you slept with your COUSIN?? EWWWWWWWWWWW" "your mommy and daddy are cousins??? GROOOSSSSSS" and that's not even using the vile words that children use to hurt their peers...just picture it for a minute. sit down and really imagine what their lives are going to be like if you try to turn into a happy little family.
you have messed up. make amends by doing the right thing, which is NOT marrying your cousin, but sending the child home where her parents can care for her and help her raise this child. no one will need to know about his/her parentage as long as no defects occur that make it obvious, and that's truthfully the best for all involved.
Just so you know...her age is the LEAST problem you will face when wanting to marry. THe fact that you are first cousins is illegal as far as marriage is concerned in most states. There's a reason for this. it's BAD for breeding. your child has more than double the risk for any birth defect. and in case you aren't figuring this one out, I'll explain it to you. You share the same genes. the - same - genes. so any birth defects that would normally be diluted by mixing with DIFFERENT blood, will in fact be magnified. often blood mixing with like produces horrific birth defects, and this is why it has been outlawed. most people don't even need the law to tell them it's wrong though. we are hard-wired from birth not to be attracted to family as a genetic safeguard. people with mental illness can overcome this safeguard, which is why there are so many cases of incestuous abuse.
personally, I hope your uncle catches up with you. at this point, send the CHILD home. let her go home and be with her parents who can care for her, and help her with this child and the medical bills the child will probably wrack up. deal with the consequences of your actions by facing your uncle. you're an adult (she is not) therefore you are responsible for what happened, and you must stand up and take what comes. the bible tells us this, since you're so "devout". you are ruining her life, and the child's life, by doing what you are doing...I'm not kidding. do you know how outcasted she and the child will be? "you slept with your COUSIN?? EWWWWWWWWWWW" "your mommy and daddy are cousins??? GROOOSSSSSS" and that's not even using the vile words that children use to hurt their peers...just picture it for a minute. sit down and really imagine what their lives are going to be like if you try to turn into a happy little family.
you have messed up. make amends by doing the right thing, which is NOT marrying your cousin, but sending the child home where her parents can care for her and help her raise this child. no one will need to know about his/her parentage as long as no defects occur that make it obvious, and that's truthfully the best for all involved.
You have gotten a lot of good advice. Please take it to heart and listen to what many people have told you. Counseling may also be a good idea for you to do.
I agree with everything said. Go home and face your uncle like the man you are. Don't be a coward, and dont let your cousin control you. Good luck, you're going to need it.
This discussion was closed by the MedHelp Community Moderation team. If you have any questions please
contact us.
You are reading content posted in the Teen Pregnancy Concerns Community
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.
