starting new relationship

[lexih355]

Several years ago I fell in love with a man who has a TBI. It was very complicated because I was young, he was living with his parents, and needs round the clock care.  To further complicate the issue, he's non verbal and uses a computer device and some hand signals and sounds to communicate. I get him, I love him, and I wanted him.  The problem was that I was young and inexperienced.  His parents would leave us alone, but I was not savvy or bold enough to take our relationship to the next level (physically). Though I spent a lot of time with the family, we never had open communication about the relationship. It was sort of assumed that we were more than friends, but his mom nor dad ever pulled me aside to discuss. I think we both got frustrated, he started to pressure me, and I moved on. Our paths occasionally crossed, but the relationship between me and the family fizzled.  I will never know if they realized that he pushed me away and that I was too immature to ask about the next steps or if they think I was a super ***** for leaving the picture and moving on.  

Many years later, I cannot get him out of my head.  I've had two serious relationships, but none compare to the absolute love and adoration I have for him. Now that I am almost 8 years older, have had physical relationships, and feel confident in my ability to "go there", I really want to give things a try.  I'm just not sure how to do it. How to broach that with his parents- with whom I would have to coordinate with because this guy is not able to.  

I'm not sure I would be able to commit to the care required long term with a serious relationship/possibly marriage, and who knows where things would go, but I really want to give it another shot.  

So much time has passed, he may be "over' me, but I don't think he is.  I'd love to hear a mom's perspective on this because I don't want to bring up feelings only for the possibility of things not working out and crushing him. I don't want to enter and leave his life again.  At the same time, I don't know if it would be worth it- for him to have as normal of a relationship as possible, for him to have sex, to know true love.  I'm just so confused.  My friends think i'm crazy for wanting him- they don't understand why I wouldn't want someone not disabled.  I can't explain the feelings I have for him, I just know they're real.

Can parents weigh in on this, please? we are both in our 30s now. I'm pretty sure he's never had another relationship.

[Foggy2]

Perhaps you can try talking to her first to get a feel for things and see how it goes.  If things go well, then you can share your feelings with her, and progress from there.  You'll never know unless you at least ask to talk to her...right?

[lexih355]

Thank you so much for your response.  it means a lot to be able to talk about this with a supportive community.  He is with his mom all day- going to therapies, etc. She is his primary caregiver and he lives with both parents.  He does remember me and I think he shares the same interest in me that I have in him.  One of the problems I have is that his parents (mom) never really talked about why I stopped coming over or doing things with them.  I worry that they don't realize the end of the relationship was mutual at the time.  I know it took him a while to get over it and i'm not sure if she would open herself and him up for the chance at another relationship? kinda  the  " is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?" I don't have plans to run, but you just never know how a relationship will work.  

[Foggy2]

My heart goes out to you for having a caring heart and the courage to want to do what you posted.  I am also a TBI survivor and caregiver, so I know both sides of the track...it's not easy.  I give you a lot of credit for wanting to try.

Do you know if your friend is involved in a TBI Support Group or some kind of group therapy (away from home during the day)?  If so, would it be possible to visit him at one of these meetings/groups with his and his parents permission to see how he responds?

Is memory an issue with him?  Would he remember you if it has been a while since last seeing you?  I'm sure you are aware of how he compensates for memory loss if he went for rehab., so perhaps you can use some of those tools to assist if needed.

If it helps, I just opened up a new User Group "Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)" for survivors/caregivers/friends, etc. that you can find under the search feature here (because it's so new).  I, and I'm sure others, would be willing to help you and give you support.  I'm sure this is stressful for you, but I give you a lot of credit and encouragement.