Choices

[Jaquta]

I just wanted to thank you for your insightful blogs.

I was reading your post about your wife and yourself cycling a considerable distance with minimal training and the impact someones comments had on you.

I have struggled to relate to a lot of what you have written, largely because my experience of the world has been so different.  I was however struck by your comment about the small part of you, and as you say everyone, that says I can't.  In my world, it is a large part that says I can't and only a very small part that says I can.

I have often felt frustrated by your energy, your humor, your intellect, etc.  I have felt so resentful of you at times.
While you have been positive and upbeat I have felt my losses more acutely.  I have felt inadequate and stupid for not being able to change.  I have felt disgruntled and depressed.  I started sleeping all day and medicating myself so I could sleep at night.  My life has felt like absolute torture for a long time.

I just got it last night.  It is about making choices.  I guess it doesn't have to be about making earth-shattering decisions but about decisions that help me move forward, as little or as big as they may be.  It isn't even about competing but just getting out there and participating and enjoying life.  

I also see that it is easier and healthier to be around people who are positive.

I ordered a copy of your book so I am looking forward to reading that when it arrives.

Thanks for everything.

[Jaquta]

It is I who should be thanking you.

It would be nice to have that innate sense of self-belief that George Mallory (and Andy Irvine) and others like yourself must have.

The mention of George Mallory reminded me of some of my happier moments (participating in a Rogaine in the Southern Alps with my brother and climbing a mountain peak on my birthday in running shoes in the snow, again with my brother).

It's sad that I've allowed myself to be drawn so far away from things that make me feel so free and fulfilled.  Content even.  Basic things.

My doctor and other health professionals previously involved with my care have encouraged me to make a formal complaint against the hospital regarding my health and disability rights.  Maybe this will help generate the support I have so badly needed.

We're expecting logger's next week so there will be a lot of work after hours if it is safe to do that.  It will be hard work but it is a good way to regain some fitness.
I have seen several episodes of Axe Men filmed in Oregon which seems a little hair raising.  I hope it doesn't end up being that dramatic.

I had a prolapsed lumbar disc several months ago so I hope that will hold up.  I have had to stop running as I was getting pain (and sciatic symptoms) from that.  Walking I have found a little monotonous although the dogs love it.

I have chucked on more weight this year and are just over 80 kilo's.  I am disgusted with that and the lard.  I was telling my doctor earlier in that week that despite having seen him weekly for x many years I now feel I am the unhealthiest I have ever been.
It reminds me that as much as someone may wish change for us, they can not do it for us.

I want to make 2011 a year of change for me.  I never want to feel this way again (physically or emotionally).

I know I have rambled.  I have a tendency to do that.  It was important for me to process this and to own it.

I expect Christmas will be spent fielding calls from overseas (my brothers and older sister are all overseas) and playing 'tractors' and hide and seek (I'm here, can you find me?) with my three year old nephew.
There might be time to go to the beach so that would be nice.

I wish that for us too.

I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year.  Best wishes for your book too.

Jackie

[James G Beckerman, M.D.]

Thank you so much.  I truly wish you and your family a healthy, and happy, new year.