Xmas

[Jaquta]

Is anyone feeling stressed by the upcoming holiday and festive season?
Christmas is a time many people experience depression.

[innerchild09]

Yes I've talked about it. Maybe I am ready to write about it now. I found myself talking on the other site. Maybe I am ready to get it out. It has been on my mind a lot. And it's ok with what you just posted. Go ahead and vent. It isn't to much to listen to. Ok but be warned it is a long story, Maybe I'll break it into parts because it is so long. I'll just have to see. But it won't be on the Xmas page. I'll start a new post. I will be looking for your responces all the time. So I will be checking a lot. And I feel safer talking about it on a med site than anywhere else. So maybe it is time. Ok I am starting a new post now.

So here I go. I hope you both understand this is pouring a lot of emotions out for me.

[Jaquta]

Sorry for venting about my sad, sorry Xmas amylove.  It is more a reflection of me than anything else.  It means I have an awful lot of work to do in therapy.
I have a few things that are right, but many that aren't.  I let it cloud my perception of life sometimes.

My experience tells me that discussing things can actually be ...  I'm not sure of the right word/s.  I've found talking about things, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I am of them, has helped.  It is never easy, especially the first time, but in my opinion it is helpful.
I think disclosing sensitive things has to be done in a place where you feel safe.

My personal opinion is that you should perhaps vent away.
You should see some of my very personal posts to some of the experts.
I've perhaps shared more online with them than in person with my treatment team.
I can't speak for others but I would hope that I would not judge you.  I expect I wouldn't.  My personal belief is that everything happens for a reason.  If you or I behave a certain way maybe by understanding our history we could better understand the behavior.

What's one thing I am ashamed of?  I am ashamed that when I was younger I would steal food.  I think this may in part be due to my mental illness.  I use food a lot as a way of coping.  I think it also relates to being deprived as a child (and not having the skills or insights to self-soothe).  Nothing ever justifies the behavior.
Sometimes I find it hard to accept myself when there are things that I really dislike about myself or dislike about the things I have done.

People talk about abuse.  I think abuse covers most traumatic histories.  Be it sexual, physical, emotional.
I was beaten when I was younger (plus other stuff).  That is one reason why I struggle to trust people.

Whoops!  Sorry.  Perhaps too much information.  We were talking about you.
I think most people on these forums (except in my opinion the depression forum) are non-judgmental.  You've got to do what feels best for you.  But also sometimes that does involve taking risks.

If you want to message me I'm fine with that.  It's possible it could be best on this list though.  Write as little or as much as you want.  Whatever works best for you.  Sometimes getting it all out at once works.  Sometimes it doesn't.
Usually I just write til I'm done or I feel better.

I'm rambling.

[amylove21]

I'm sorry to hear that Christmas didn't go well for both of you. It's to bad. I don't know why your mom acted like that. But if you want to talk about the thing you are afraid of I won't judge you. I wouldn't mind hearing it but the choice is up to you. If you don't feel ready to talk about it then you don't have to. Maybe you would feel better if you got it out. I don't know. I'm not you. I don't know what you are feeling. So it's up to you. I think people would understand. We all mess up sometimes and we all lose hope at one point. It can be tough sometimes. All I can say if you want to talk fine if not then that's ok too. I hope things turn around for you even the big problem you are going through. Hope it all works out. Have you told your T? Just wondering.

Well hope things turn around. Have a good day both of you.

[innerchild09]

No it's not mom. She has no control over me. I have a lot of things I could say that why I am so messed up right now but I am afraid to say them here. I don't want to be judged. I know I have said a lot allready but there is this one major thing that is keeping me dead inside that I'm not sure if I should talk about it. What if everyone on this forum leaves? I don't want that to happen. Maybe they won't judge maybe they will. Maybe I deserve what happended to me. I don't know. And like I said I don't know what will happen to me if mom dies. No I don't think I could. And I don't know why she was being that way. As far as I knew she had a good time. I mean if I tell you then you'd understand why I hate my family. I think you may understand. But not sure who's side of this would you or anyone else be on. I know I messed up. I want to tell but I don't. Also if I did tell you would know why I am so angry all the time. It's just I'm afraid what ppl will say. I'm usually fine with talking about everything but there is this one important thing in my life that I haven't told and I don't want people to leave this site. I don't want people to remind me how bad I messed things up. I allready feel bad enough. I don't know what I should do. Maybe I should message you. Maybe I should just go ahead and take the risk and start a new post all about it a long page. Maybe I'll put it into parts. I don't know what I should do. If I did say this story then you would know why I hate my life so much and spend a lot of time wishing I could just die allready. Then everyone would know why. I mean now people know bits and pieces but to learn the biggest thing of all that ****** up everything in my life. I just don't know. I mean I guess I could write it all out and if people do judge me get a new screen name. I don't know. I hope you post soon on this. Maybe you can help me decide if it's best to get this out in the open. It's so bottled up inside. Well anyway I hope you comment real soon.

[Jaquta]

Aren't you on some sort of government benefit?
The govt. pays me money which then mainly goes towards board, health care, etc.
Despite the benefits of being at home I think that there are far more disadvantages.
Are you so 'impaired' your mother has power of attorney (can't think of the correct term right now.  ?Custody.) over both you and your money.
I think you should use this as motivation to learn some basic life skills.  You could learn to cook, etc.  Despite what we may think we are quite capable of living without our parents.
What would you do if your mother died?  Just theoretically.  Or was unwell.  Do you think you'd be able to cook?  Most people can heat up food.

I've had a crap day today.  Have pretty much eaten non-stop since my brother and his gf arrived home.
I feel like I'm struggling a lot.  I don't feel like I can deal with this for much longer.  I know I say that but somehow I always do.

What did I get for Xmas?  My parents bought me a winter weight duvet.  Mum says mine are past it.  Anyway, it's summer now and the last thing I need is bedding.  I sleep with all my windows open as it is.
My older sister bought me some clothes.  And my brother and his gf (mainly the gf because my brother is usually pretty scrooge) bought me some shirts and a budget wallet thing from Bangkok.
I think people take offense at the state of my clothes.  Several of my t.shirts have holes in them.  Do I sound ungrateful?  I am just frustrated.  I didn't care about Xmas or presents.  I hate feeling obligated to spend what little money I do have on others.  Especially when I feel compelled too and not because I want too.
I gave the gf a book voucher and my mother, father and brother gift cards.  I bought my other sister and her partner a couple of cheap cups and tea towels.  I didn't buy my other brother or sister anything.
My sister said my younger brother bought himself a motorbike (that my parents know nothing about) and is going to buy him some bike pants.  She said I could donate to that but if I bought her presents for my brother, his gf and my sister then we would be even.  I hate it all.
I won't have money for things I need for at least a couple of months.  Xmas is so painful and I've made heaps of bad decisions because I've been so stressed.  I just want all of it to go away.

I hope you enjoyed the pizza.  Your mother must be feeling extremely stressed to be acting like that.  Why is your mother so stressed?

Anyway, just remember that only we determine how we feel.  Others can say and do stuff but it is how we perceive it that really matters.

[innerchild09]

MOM RUINED CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!! I am really upset. I did everything to give her a good xmas. I went to see my family who I don't get along with just so mom could have a good time. The only good thing about my christmas was that I got some money. For me it was a big deal because I never have my own money. I didn't get a lot. Only enough for a few cds. But still I was really happy about it cuz I don't get to buy stuff for myself and I really wanted to. It made me feel good to be able to. Then mom had to go and ruin it. She wanted pizza and told me I had to pay for my half. Which normally would be ok with me but it wasn't cuz I didn't get to have money of my own except on xmas and last year I didn't get to use it to buy things I wanted and I was really determined to buy myself some cds or a movie with MY money instead of having to beg for things like a child. Then mom told me that she thought that she deserved to have all my money. It's like she don't even care how I'm feeling. She gets money every month. She don't have to ask me to buy her things. She can buy herself something if she wants without asking. So I said, "Fine just take all my money!"
Then she told me, "I want the giftcard too." So after all I did for her the one thing I was excited about she ruined. Which was being able to buy myself Christmas presants with My money for once. I didn't even want pizza but I had no choice because there is nothing that I can cook myself here. So it was that or starve pretty much. So she ruined my Christmas. Now if I want something I'll have to beg like a dog. I hate Christmas.

Bah Humbug!!!

[amylove21]

I can;t wait for xmas now. It looks like all of it is on track. I didn't want to post a lot on how I feel about the holidays on the other post because innerchild was bummed out. I wanted to talk about her situation. On here I will happily say Christmas is back on for sure. I hope it goes well. I am flat broke though but I'm ok because Christmas is coming. I can't waqit to see my family. Also my bro said he would go too but see his friend later because they are at different times. You see his friend has to go somnewhere 1st then something else and then they'll be at their house. My sister and me may get to go there too if his friend don't mind. It depends on how long our Christmas is. If we decide to stay awhile and play games and stuff it will last for awhile. Also if there is no drama. But there still could be drama. I don't know yet. I still don't know if all the relitievs are coming. So there still may be a few people who don't show up. But hopefully they do. Also that there are no arguements or paranoid accusations or anything. That's my update. I really can't wait.


Happy Holidays everyone.

[amylove21]

I hope all the problems are solved. Also I agree I hope other members comment as well. It's nice chatting and all but I bet other members have things that would be good to listen to. Maybe they are shy or maybe they just have so many things going on or have joined so many groups they don't comment. I don't really know.

I know the holidays can be stressful. It does seem like holidays make me strive for attention otherwise I get pretty lonely. I feel more wanting to hang out with people and when I don't get to I get lonely and sad. That is just how I get during the holidays.

[Jaquta]

Hi amylove.  I'm glad you enjoyed yourself and had a great Thanks Giving.
You're right.  I too believe everyone has a purpose in life.  Just sometimes with mental illness it clouds that sense of purpose and direction.  And sense of self.
I'm usually pretty receptive to feedback.  If I feel I have a problem with something I will try and work through it and try understand it better.  I don't think I would say that I hate either of you and storm off.  That would make kind of a funny image though.
I never set out to intentionally hurt people.  If they feel hurt by comments then they should feel free to discuss them.

Schools are about to break up here and the people, traffic and weather just drives me nuts.  Not to mention all the road works that they just have to do now.
Do you think your family have worked through and resolved some of those issues or are they still there?  I hope they aren't for your sake.
In my opinion Christmas is just another day of the year -nothing excessively exciting.  I do sometimes get a lift from all the good cheer (everybodies high spirits).
I've been too stressed to look too far ahead.  My current thoughts lie with paying my brothers car registration and insurance which are due at the end of the month and also paying my other brothers car registration so that I can perhaps have access to that as transportation.

If people do start arguing have you thought of things you can do to minimize the affect it has on you?  Possible coping strategies...

Probably me too.  I have probably really lowered my expectations about many things.  I avoid things a lot too so that I don't have to confront the disappointment of that.

Sorry for so many different post headings.  I thought it might give other members an opportunity to participate in some of the conversations.
It seems strange just chatting amongst ourselves on a group.
Having a functional mh list available could also be useful for when the doctor on the mh expert forum is away on leave, etc.
I've often found that I've needed support over Christmas and when the lists shut down it can get a bit lonely and the struggle harder.

[innerchild09]

I always dwell on the negative. In fact you could say I have fear in being positive. Everytime and I'm not exaggerating I get positive it never works. For me I feel like when I'm negative I don't fall as hard because I don't expect anything good to happen so when it doesn't I don't get the shock because I wasn't expecting it anyway. That is really how I feel.

I'm glad you made a comment on your own Christmas worries and stress. It was nice to hear other stories about it.

[amylove21]

I'm stressed too but mostly from all the hasle of shopping and stuff. The lines and the crowds. It's enough to drive anyone mad. The main thing I'm worried about is that it all won't go so well. I'm afraid of family fighting and stuff. I mean sometimes we get along but last Christmas there were some issues. I didn't want all the fighting expecially on Christmas. I mean why can't people just hang out on Christmas and not fight. It's not the time for a bunch of bickering. That's what gatherings are for. Just kidding about gatherings being for argueing but Holidays are not the time. So that's my peice on Xmas.

[Jaquta]

Maybe you could give your mother something from the heart?

Forget the positive stuff, it feels a bit superficial.  I prefer it when people speak from the heart.  That doesn't have to be only about good stuff.
I guess I am a bit of a morbid person because I tend to dwell on the negatives quite a bit.  Just thought the negativity may be affecting others willingness to post.  It can feel a bit creepy when people just watch.  I'm not use to that.

[innerchild09]

I used to think good about Christmas. I tried last year and the year before that to get into the Christmas mood but nothing seemed to help. As for this year I'm not even sure I care. I know that's not good. I can think back to the last time I was into Christmas I went to see my family before all the problems. I hung out with my ex friends. I went shopping. I had a great time and I loved giving maybe way to much. This year I feel like I have nothing. There is only one person I wish I could give something to, My Mom. But I can't get her anything. So I'm bummed about that. I feel like a child who can't even get her mommy a card.

Well hopefully other people can post how wonderful they think Christmas is.

[Jaquta]

So Christmas brings up losses.  Are there things you could be doing to make it feel less empty?  Maybe you should tune into some Christmas carol's.  That might help you get into the spirit of Christmas.  What are some things that you could be doing to make it special?  Are you able to express some gratitude to your mum?

I was just thinking about life skills before.  If's there's something that you would like to do and feel that we could help you with.  We could perhaps walk you through something step by step.  It wouldn't replace therapy but it may help you a little.

I feel stressed because of family obligations, financial pressures, the heat, etc, etc.  I feel stressed with the family all getting together.  Sometimes it can feel a little pretentious.  I hate that I have issues controlling my weight and when I get stressed I over-eat.  I feel uncomfortable being over-weight when I want to be looking and feeling great.  Having others see me like that is stressful.
Food is another stressor.
My family usually write letters to send with their Xmas cards.  Everyone has said to have an exciting life but I get one line max.  I continue to do nothing.  I wish people were a little more sensitive about people's struggles.  Just getting through one day can sometimes feel like a huge accomplishment.  I guess that's not so important.

My mood always seems to slump coming up to Christmas time.

Maybe we could list the good things about Christmas.

I like the uplifting songs and atmosphere.
(I hate the congestion and traffic.)
I like not having to justify why I'm doing something and not working.

[innerchild09]

Yeeessss! I am stressed out but not because of the usual Christmas reasons. To me it is stressful because it makes me miss when life was ok. Like how things used to be. To me it's just an empty Holiday. I fell numb more than anything. Honestly I really haven't had the Christmas cheer for 3 years now. Don't get me wrong I used to NOT be a scrooge during Christmas. But the falling out with my family. And how my life has changed forever just makes me feel nothing but coldness. I'm just planning on spending Christmas at home doing nothing. Sorry but that's how things are now.