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Paternity question
Hello Annie,
I had protected sex with a friend which I am assuming in august of 2017 since she just had the baby week ago. She says she only had sex with me and her ex during that time so I am concerned that I can be the father of the child. Iam 43 year old male and had unprotected sex with pullout method with my 2 previous ex for 10 years without them getting pregnant. In this situation I may had protected sex with condom with this friend twice during the August 2017 period. She says she had protected sex with her ex but I don't believe her. For some reason she is not open to paternity testing at this time so my question how likely that I am the father of this child based on my age and the fact that it was protected? Thank you in advance.
I had protected sex with a friend which I am assuming in august of 2017 since she just had the baby week ago. She says she only had sex with me and her ex during that time so I am concerned that I can be the father of the child. Iam 43 year old male and had unprotected sex with pullout method with my 2 previous ex for 10 years without them getting pregnant. In this situation I may had protected sex with condom with this friend twice during the August 2017 period. She says she had protected sex with her ex but I don't believe her. For some reason she is not open to paternity testing at this time so my question how likely that I am the father of this child based on my age and the fact that it was protected? Thank you in advance.
Thanks you very much for the valuable information. I keep trying to recollect even if I had sex with her during the month of July to September but just can’t pin it down but I know it was in 2017. I’m going to give her few days to be with this child and suggest dna test next week. This is very stressful for me as I have no desire to raise a child nor pay for child support but I put myself in this situation. Thanks again
COMMUNITY LEADER
There is no point at looking at whether she had only a 20% chance that month of getting pregnant, she got pregnant. That was her month, meaning whether the odds were slim or good, this was the month she beat them. If you had sex in the right time window, you could be the dad, though your condom use helps you to an 80-85% chance you are not the dad.
The figure for condom effectiveness has to do with whether there was body contact prior to putting the condom on (the recommendation is to put it on when still soft, I cannot imagine people really doing that, but it is to prevent pre-ejaculate that might contain sperm from reaching the vaginal secretions), and also includes other factors such as the semi-mythical "the condom had a leak" or "the condom broke," and also the more realistic "the condom slipped" or got stuck on withdrawal. All a guy can do who doesn't want children for total certainty is to get a vasectomy. Condoms are a lot better than nothing, they are just not 100%.
The fact that she got pregnant shows that this was her month, whether or not the odds are considered low to get there in the first place. At that point, you calculate the odds of the condom use helping you.
The figure for condom effectiveness has to do with whether there was body contact prior to putting the condom on (the recommendation is to put it on when still soft, I cannot imagine people really doing that, but it is to prevent pre-ejaculate that might contain sperm from reaching the vaginal secretions), and also includes other factors such as the semi-mythical "the condom had a leak" or "the condom broke," and also the more realistic "the condom slipped" or got stuck on withdrawal. All a guy can do who doesn't want children for total certainty is to get a vasectomy. Condoms are a lot better than nothing, they are just not 100%.
The fact that she got pregnant shows that this was her month, whether or not the odds are considered low to get there in the first place. At that point, you calculate the odds of the condom use helping you.
1 Comments
But besides the condom use and how it might fail (I forgot to mention the possibility of contact after someone takes the condom off), focus on whether you even had sex with her in the right time period to plausibly be the father. It doesn't sound like she is telling you that in her personal diary she wrote down the exact days and therefore knows it probably is you, or anything that persuasive. She sounds like she is more or less just saying "tra la la, we had sex around sometime back then I think possibly near the date I got pregnant, you might be the dad, hm hm hm," and this has you really worried. This is not the most compelling case for you to start worrying, since you couldn't even remember for sure if you had sex in the same month as when she would have gotten pregnant. [Jamie note to self -- from now on, keep a journal of any sex.] I wish you would be able to find something to hang a date on, the receipt from the motel was a good try, but it would be nice if you could remember "Oh, yeah, that was when the television broke and I took it to the repair shop the next day" or something. My guess is that she is not pregnant by you, not because of whether the condom functioned perfectly but because the chance is that it was not the right time for her to conceive.
If you are determined to do an at-home DNA test, it would be good if you can also have the other guy swab and send in his swab too. You might not think so, but often it means a lot to be able to get a definite "yes" for one guy at the same time as a definite "no" for the other, because the tests confirm each other. (The worst is to merely get a "no" for one guy. Then the mind begins to say "What if the test was ... WRONG?!?!") And it does not help you in another way, because the courts will not accept a mail-in paternity test done at home as proof of anything. This would mean that if she files for child support from you, you will just need to test again at a cour-approved lab. That will likely be court-ordered, and on your dime, so that's one reason I do recommend just cutting to the chase and going straight to the lab they would accept.
Anyway, good luck to you. You sound like a decent guy who has been knocked a little sideways by this possibility, and is perhaps buying into her stuff a little too much (not that I am saying she is scheming, she sounds instead like someone who is worried, lonely and stuck. It's really hard to be a mom with no support.) I assume you genuinely want to know if this is your child or not, that your intention is not to skate on your responsibility if so. (This is one reason I recommended the lab the courts approve, and testing the other guy at the same time, so there will be no question of accuracy.) As I said above, it doesn't really sound like she knows enough to tell you for sure that you are the dad, which leads me to guess that the dates (if you knew them) wouldn't add up to the suggestion that you are. So try not to stress, just get 'er done. If it helps, know that you're the beneficiary of a sexual revolution that gives men the kind of access to women that their great-grandfathers could only dream of, lucky you. The price is, occasionally a man has to take a paternity test. Your friend is on the hook for a lifetime of work. Try to be sympathetic, and just move forward and test.
If you are determined to do an at-home DNA test, it would be good if you can also have the other guy swab and send in his swab too. You might not think so, but often it means a lot to be able to get a definite "yes" for one guy at the same time as a definite "no" for the other, because the tests confirm each other. (The worst is to merely get a "no" for one guy. Then the mind begins to say "What if the test was ... WRONG?!?!") And it does not help you in another way, because the courts will not accept a mail-in paternity test done at home as proof of anything. This would mean that if she files for child support from you, you will just need to test again at a cour-approved lab. That will likely be court-ordered, and on your dime, so that's one reason I do recommend just cutting to the chase and going straight to the lab they would accept.
Anyway, good luck to you. You sound like a decent guy who has been knocked a little sideways by this possibility, and is perhaps buying into her stuff a little too much (not that I am saying she is scheming, she sounds instead like someone who is worried, lonely and stuck. It's really hard to be a mom with no support.) I assume you genuinely want to know if this is your child or not, that your intention is not to skate on your responsibility if so. (This is one reason I recommended the lab the courts approve, and testing the other guy at the same time, so there will be no question of accuracy.) As I said above, it doesn't really sound like she knows enough to tell you for sure that you are the dad, which leads me to guess that the dates (if you knew them) wouldn't add up to the suggestion that you are. So try not to stress, just get 'er done. If it helps, know that you're the beneficiary of a sexual revolution that gives men the kind of access to women that their great-grandfathers could only dream of, lucky you. The price is, occasionally a man has to take a paternity test. Your friend is on the hook for a lifetime of work. Try to be sympathetic, and just move forward and test.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I assume you mean the baby was born 5/10/2018?
If you can'r put a date to when you had sex, then you will need to go the DNA-test route. Be as nice as possible to her, don't argue about it. But tell her you do need to test, and see if it brings up any information from her about when you were together. if she continues to refuse testing but to say you might be the dad, see an attorney.
If you can'r put a date to when you had sex, then you will need to go the DNA-test route. Be as nice as possible to her, don't argue about it. But tell her you do need to test, and see if it brings up any information from her about when you were together. if she continues to refuse testing but to say you might be the dad, see an attorney.
5 Comments
If she agrees to do the paternity test where can we go to get it done? At the hospital? Or third party lab? Thank you again for your help.
As I think I said before, phone the court in your area of jurisdiction that does family law, and find out what lab(s) they recommend people use that are legally certified to determine paternity. I wouldn't mess with any other, since the courts won't recommend one that is flaky.
I know I am going against your advice but did order the DDC home kit for $300 today. I have heard ddc is reputable company so plan to submit the test end of the week.
Be sure you are the only person handling the swabs after you do them, and mail the kit yourself, don't let her touch anything and don't let her mail it. This is a kind of foolish way to handle it, she should be testing with both guys at a reputable lab where everyone goes and shows I.D. (What if you come up negative, will you trust the test or will you think it might have had an error? What if you come up positive, how will you be sure she didn't find a way to substitute the real dad's swab for yours if you don't mail it yourself?) If it comes up positive, you should test again, since you will need to go to an official lab certified by the courts if she takes you to court for child support. (They don't approve of drugstore tests.) Good luck to you, I think you might need it.
Thanks for the feedback. I did have a question on the condoms being 80% effective meaning that there is 20% chance of pregnancy. You also mentioned that with unprotected sex there is 20% chance of pregnancy so are you saying there is no benefit of wearing a condom to reduce pregnancy?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, Jamie,
Your age won't make any difference. Men can have kids into their 90s.
And protection is a good thing, but I'm sure you know condoms are considered only 80% effective. You and the other guy could have both worn condoms and she could still have turned up pregnant. Or, he could have not worn protection and you could still turn out to be the dad because there was a gap in protection and some contact happened during the gap. In short, whether or not he wore a condom is not going to exonerate you, so you may as well assume she is telling the truth, for the purposes of not insulting her. You will need her cooperation to get to a paternity test.
You might be able to knock down her story on the dates, though, if you have any records. Can you associate the times you had sex with any other (non-sexual) event that happened at the same time? Can you locate any record, such as a credit receipt for dinner, or a record of something else that you did that you can associate with the event (like, you had to take your car to the shop and she gave you a ride home?) Assuming you must have had sex in August simply because she is claiming you might be the dad, is kind of nuts. (For one thing, it couldn't have been in early or mid August if the baby was born last week. You would have had to have sex from August 22nd forward, maybe even later, to fit the timeline.) It frankly sounds from the fact that she is not willing to take a DNA test like she is pretty sure you aren't the dad, but has just not admitted that she has ruled you out. Maybe you are giving her loads of attention and it makes her feel good? Maybe the other guy is horrible? In your shoes, I'd distance myself from the woman a bit, not call her anxiously and talk it over a lot. She might figure out a way to bring herself to tell you that she was mistaken.
Anyway, as I said in your other post, you can't do this with a drugstore DNA test. They are too prone to error and fraud. You need to talk to the family law court where you and she live, and ask the judge's clerk if there is a list of labs approved by the courts for legal determination of paternity. Then you, she, and the baby (and ideally the other guy also), go there with ID and do the test, handing the swabs to a neutral third party, a lab tech. Do not do a swab from a drugstore test and hand it to the woman to mail.
If she won't agree to a test and it is worrying you, call a lawyer or go to a legal-aid cliinic. Find out what your rights are in a case like this to insist legally on a test. It is possible to get hit later in life for costs of a child, so take it seriously, but don't freak out. To me, her behavior suggests that she sort of does not think you are the dad any more. If that is what is going on, do your very best to give her an opening to tell you this without feeling like she looks like a fool.
Your age won't make any difference. Men can have kids into their 90s.
And protection is a good thing, but I'm sure you know condoms are considered only 80% effective. You and the other guy could have both worn condoms and she could still have turned up pregnant. Or, he could have not worn protection and you could still turn out to be the dad because there was a gap in protection and some contact happened during the gap. In short, whether or not he wore a condom is not going to exonerate you, so you may as well assume she is telling the truth, for the purposes of not insulting her. You will need her cooperation to get to a paternity test.
You might be able to knock down her story on the dates, though, if you have any records. Can you associate the times you had sex with any other (non-sexual) event that happened at the same time? Can you locate any record, such as a credit receipt for dinner, or a record of something else that you did that you can associate with the event (like, you had to take your car to the shop and she gave you a ride home?) Assuming you must have had sex in August simply because she is claiming you might be the dad, is kind of nuts. (For one thing, it couldn't have been in early or mid August if the baby was born last week. You would have had to have sex from August 22nd forward, maybe even later, to fit the timeline.) It frankly sounds from the fact that she is not willing to take a DNA test like she is pretty sure you aren't the dad, but has just not admitted that she has ruled you out. Maybe you are giving her loads of attention and it makes her feel good? Maybe the other guy is horrible? In your shoes, I'd distance myself from the woman a bit, not call her anxiously and talk it over a lot. She might figure out a way to bring herself to tell you that she was mistaken.
Anyway, as I said in your other post, you can't do this with a drugstore DNA test. They are too prone to error and fraud. You need to talk to the family law court where you and she live, and ask the judge's clerk if there is a list of labs approved by the courts for legal determination of paternity. Then you, she, and the baby (and ideally the other guy also), go there with ID and do the test, handing the swabs to a neutral third party, a lab tech. Do not do a swab from a drugstore test and hand it to the woman to mail.
If she won't agree to a test and it is worrying you, call a lawyer or go to a legal-aid cliinic. Find out what your rights are in a case like this to insist legally on a test. It is possible to get hit later in life for costs of a child, so take it seriously, but don't freak out. To me, her behavior suggests that she sort of does not think you are the dad any more. If that is what is going on, do your very best to give her an opening to tell you this without feeling like she looks like a fool.
6 Comments
Thanks you for your advice Annie. I do think your right on her wanting attention and not wanting to take the paternity test. I can go back and see when I saw her in August since I should have the bank statement for the hotel room. If she had the baby last week how much of a room is there for her to be concepted? Would it be all of August and first part of September?
The only time we had sex I ended up getting a motel near by her home and in checking the July, August, and September 2017 I did not book a hotel room near by her home at that time.
That sounds promising, can you find any other evidence based on things the two of you did (besides go to the motel)? Such as, a Visa receipt for dinner or anything like that? Also, would you have paid for the motel room in some other way besides that validated by a bank statement? Just cash out of pocket, or a credit card? While it sounds promising that you can't find any record in your bank statement, be sure you are not overlooking some other way to pay.
You said you had sex with her two times. Do you have any idea of how close together they were? Like, in a couple of weeks? A few days? You need to look for any other records.
You are asking when a baby born last week would have been conceived. It totally depends on whether the baby was full term or early (or possibly late). Any idea about that?
You said you had sex with her two times. Do you have any idea of how close together they were? Like, in a couple of weeks? A few days? You need to look for any other records.
You are asking when a baby born last week would have been conceived. It totally depends on whether the baby was full term or early (or possibly late). Any idea about that?
I just spoke to the mom and she says it was full 9 month term born on 5/10/2017. I always charged my hotel on a credit card but now I recollect that she did come to my house 1 times in 2017 where we did have protected sex but I don’t know exactly when. So there is that possibility
Also with the typical condom use I thought its about 80 to 85% effective during the entire year and not single sex act?
Sure. But you don't know if you were in the 80% zone or the 20% zone when you had sex with her. If I were a guy and were told I might have gotten someone pregnant, the fact that I wore a condom and think it worked as intended would not actually reassure me too much.
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