No you are correct the son needs to be in his own Bed and not sharing it with his father or you,Ask your boyfriend why, if his son has his own Bedroom ,its a habit,but of course he resents you and its not too appropiate for you to share with him either.He'll be in Puberty soon he needs his own privacy,if he doesnt like it he will get used to it.Have a chat with the Boyfriend and then tell him you will not share his bed whilst his son does.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am glad to receive feedback that validates my concerns, opinions and feelings. I had a good conversation with the father last week about the sleeping arrangements. He agreed that the boy would be embarrassed if his friends found out....the father said he has just never really thought about it. I am hopeful the two will embark on a new path this week and break the pattern for both their sakes. It's a bad habit linked to other inappropriate behaviour including manipulation and needs to be nipped in the bud right away.
I explained this is a relationship deal breaker and hope that the father has the strength of character to break the habit and see good parenting skills prevail. Many thanks.
I just wanted to add my thoughts on this. Regarding the cosleeping itself, if there are no emotions manipulating things (like the father wanting him to sleep there or the boy feeling afraid or insecure since the divorce, etc.), I would think that it would end naturally when the boy starts to go through puberty--he'll want his privacy.
The separate issue of you sleeping with his father and taking his spot in the bed is one I think you should rectify by not sleeping with your boyfriend in front of the child. If the child goes to visit his mother and won't know you were there sleeping in the bed with his father, I think that would be ok. But I think the father needs to handle this and if he wants to transition the son out of his bed, he should do that, but not because he's feeling pressured to do so--that will result in the boy picking up on his father's conflicting feelings about it.
If the father wants to get his son into his own bed in his own room, he should start by redecorating the son's room--make it a fun, comfortable place to be with similar bedding to dad's and calming colors. And this transition should not in any way be related to you. That's why I think you should stop the sleeping with his father in front of him. He will resist if he thinks it's because you want him out of his father's bed. Once the boy transitions to his own bed, maybe you and his father can get married and when you move in, get a new bed, new bedding, paint the walls, redecorate, put the bed in a different place in the room, etc. (Maybe even change rooms if possible.)
All the best to you.
You handled it all correctly and the fact your boyfriend was open to your suggestions was good,Your boyfriend could always ask a councillor what they think or the Boys Doc,.They can do so many other things together its not breaking a bond he is 11years old, good to give him some independance.