Verbal/Emotional Abuse Question....

[mamaamw]

Ok.. my husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. We dated seriously for about 2 yrs before marrying. He throws temper tantrums. One of our biggest argument is money. For example: I have been substitute teaching for a year. I am a certified teacher and am trying my hardest to get my foot in the door of a public school. I was even offered a long-term subbing position this week. It doesnt pay much, but its one step closer to having my own classroom. He works about 50 hrs a week and makes about $17/hr. He is very smart when it comes to money and is strictly by the books when it comes to Dave Ramsey and finances.
When he comes home from work, he doesnt lift a finger. AT ALL! He doesn't take the trash out. He doesnt do repairs around the house. He does NOTHING. In fact, I was plunging the kitchen sink today while he was on Facebook. Plumbing isn't something I know anything about. He doesnt either, but you'd think the "man of the house" would step up and do something. If I say anything about it, he flips out! The ONLY thing he does at home is physically drive his truck to the dump about once every other week. Even then, I have to go with him and help him toss it into the dumpster. During the summer, he DOES cut grass about once every other week. Nothing else. At dinner, I even fix his plate and bring it to him!!! He doesnt pick up after himself. He leaves clothes, shoes, socks, dishes, papers, WHATEVER..... all over the place. Anytime I say a word about anything he starts getting mad..... furious actually. He constantly tells me that he works 80 hrs a week (but really doesnt) and that if it weren't for him and him paying our bills we wouldn't have anything and we'd starve. He is constantly saying, "if you dont like it, leave!" he forgets I've gone thru a divorce once before and survived. In all honesty, if I had a full-time job, I'd leave him in a heartbeat! He's a preacher too!
When he gets mad, he cusses, he hits things (never me though). He gets a dazed look in his eye like he's having an outter body experience and he just goes OFF! He talks to me like I"m a dog. Says I'm fat and lazy and do nothing around here. (I cook, clean, do laundry, take trash out, etc). He says he bends over backwards for us and we dont even appreciate it. He constantly throws it in my face that I dont have a "job" and that "this gravy train is about to come to a halt".
My daughter has her shoes behind the laundry room door because of space in her bedroom. They were just in a big pile and it caused the laundry room door not to open all the way. Something had happend a few days ago and they had fallen and it caused the door to open even less. At 4:30 in the morning, I am awaken to these horrible noises of him beating the crap out of the laundry room door because he can't get it open.
There is NO sex life. Period. We MAY have sex ONE time a month. MAYBE.
He takes depression meds, but dont really help. He also takes xanax 3x a day.... doesnt do a whole lot for him either.  Hes NEVER been the type to hold my hand, hug me, etc. He never says thank you when I do things for him. He just expects it. He's NEVER told me that I'm pretty. EVER. It has been about a year since he's actually kissed me (more than just a peck in passing).
I want someone to hold me. SOmetime to tell me I'm pretty, even if I'm not. Ive lost 125 pounds after having gastric bypass and you'd think that would help. (which i didnt have because of him. i had already started the process of being approved before i met him). anyway... i just want someone to say, "the house looks nice!" or SOMETHING. I couldn't tell you the last time I got a compliment from him. I'm so sick of every time he gets angry, he starts cussing and screaming. You could hear him a mile down the street. He throws stuff, hits things..... one time, he was replacing a toilet seat. (thats probably the last thing he's done around here....). He got mad bc he couldnt get it on. So he took a hammer and beat the toilet to pieces!!!!!!!! water flooded our bathroom. Guess who had to clean it up!!!! he'll cuss and throw fits in front of ANYONE! I'm so sick of it. I dont have a HUSBAND... I have  a roommate. Being a preacher, I've asked him to pray for me when I was going thru some things. he blamed me for a bunch of crap and it led to a fight. not once did I get prayer from him. When he's not cussing at me and yelling and calling me every name you can think of (in front of my 12 yr old daughter)... hes the funniest, goofiest, person you'll ever meet! We've had side splitting laughs with him!!! but its to the point where EVERY single day when I pick my daughter up from school, her first question isn't "hi mom, how was your day.??" it's, "Mom, have you talked to ******? Is he ill?"
If I did leave him, I'd have NOWHERE to go. The house we have is in his name. I made $50/day and there's NO WAY we could live on that. No way possible! THat wouldnt cover rent anywhere. The only apartments in my area that are income based are in HORRIBLE sections of town that she wouldn't be able to lay her head down at night in. There's no way that's an option. At least here, she's got the comfort of her bedroom and food on her table. I'm so sick of him. I jsut dont know what to do. I have nowhere to go. I'm stuck. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. I hate my life. I have what I've become. I want it to work with he and I, but I also want someone to love me. He NEVER says I LOVE YOU. If I say it first, he responds... but thats it. He's had lots of girlfriends in the past who have been strong enough to walk away and never marry him. (he never proposed to anyone...but still... they didnt even make it that far!). Some of his ex's friends are my friends and they tried to warn me, in a round about way...but never coming out and saying anything directly. I dont know if that's verbal or emotional abuse. But he always turns things around on me and talks to me like I'm a piece of trash. He throws it in my face that he's the money maker and I just drag him down financially. I give up. I dont know what to do. He wont go to counseling. He sees that he does nothing wrong. Says I start it all and agg it on. He doesnt even give me grocery money without a HUGE fight. I'm so frustrated!!!!!!! I work 8 hours a day, come home and help my daughter with homework. Immediately after, I begin to fix supper (unless she has a basketball game or girl scouts, then we do that). I always figure out what's for supper though. Then, I get our clothes ready for the next day, lunches packed for the next day, and shower. By that time, it's nearly midnight! All while he's sitting in his recliner on facebook and watching tv. But yet he throws it in my face that he makes all the money and its my fault we're in the financial burden we're in. And if I made more money he wouldnt be so stressed and wouldnt cause him to cuss and yell and hit things. Its all my fault! When I was working my last full-time job, I made about $39/hour. He still had SOMETHING to fuss about and STILL pitched those fits. He's always done it. His mother and sister both have told me that he's ALWAYS thrown fits. So its not just my fault. It goes way back to when he was a kid. I just dont know what to do. I want to stay with him... i wish it would work and i wish he'd be a husband instead of a hateful roommate. if i did decide to leave, i'd have nowhere to go, no money, nowhere to stay.... i dont have family or friends that i can go to. i just dont know what to do. please...i need advice. I'm sorry its so long....but i havent even begin to describe the half of it!!!!!

[margypops]

Annie is right its not all about you in fact this abusive behavior and fights will have an effect on your daughter ,yelling and unreasonable behavior does hurt the children of disfunctional marriages .

[AnnieBrooke]

You say you want to stay.  But it doesn't sound like you like "what is."  It sounds like you want to stay in some kind of ideal world where he sees the error of his ways and is a good husband.  Honestly speaking, do you think he is ever going to see the error of his ways and be a good husband?  What you have is what you're going to continue to have.

I'd go to whatever relative will take me before staying with what he is dishing out.  Please make your decisions based on what is really happening, not what you wish and want, and think about whether you are pleased about having a lifetime of that.  If you don't care for your own sake, what about your daughter's sake?

[allmymarbles]

I understand you husband (a real creep) but don't understand you. This abuse exists only because you allow it to. You can always walk out. You probably don't because of his paycheck. So you don't have a full-time job.Work nights at Wendy's. Or go stay with you your mother. There is nothing stopping you from leaving him. It's not much of a marriage, after all. There isn't even any sex.

[AnnieBrooke]

What town are you in, or what state at least?  I can see that you would need to stay in the same state if you are constant fights to get your ex to pay the child support, but if you would mention roughly where you are, someone on here might know of a shelter or other supportive place you could go.

And what about your family?  Are they no help whatsoever?

[margypops]

If you cannot leave and he starts to yell and be abusive.... walk away take your self out of the situation ..let him get on with it by himself and make sure you child isnt the brunt of it Do not respond to the aggression it is feeding the frenzy ..

[mamaamw]

@Jaz- he wasn't the one that had the affair. It was my EX-husband that did.
Leaving right now is just not an option. I guess I just have to figure out how to handle the situation until I CAN leave. ya know? I receive $200/mo in child support from the EX. And thats WHEN he holds a job. So, its more like every other month. But he's been in court and everything else about that. Child Support Recovery has been on his tail. But when he gets so mad, what am I suppose to do? Just let him talk to me like I'm crap?

[RockRose]

mamaamw,  he doesn't know why he's angry.  He's perpetually angry,  and he's guessing it's because you aren't making money.

The truth is,  he's angry because he's got angry chemicals squirting around in his brain and if he lived in a beach front mansion,  after about two days he'd be kicking the doors there too because they had a little bit of sand on them.

Good thing the house is in his name,  that might free you from any obligation,  although I don't know.

It sounds like you can't leave right now,  but you can certainly work toward that goal.  

I don't know why it's so hard to get into teaching where you are,  but can you go back in the direction you were in when you were making so much more money?  Right now,  you're a bit trapped but if you look 2 years down the road,  I think you can be out of there.  

Are you receiving child support,  or can you,  from the father of your daughter?

Best wishes.  Some day,  you'll see the light at the end of this tunnel.  Stay strong and keep focused.  

[margypops]

He is very abusive and really needs some outside help but its possible that you cant talk to him very often abusive people will not listen and it makes them more abusive , its also about control I agree with the others unless you can talk to him and get him to get some anger control help, you may aswell leave, its not good for your Daughter either to hear all this going on .It will affect her in her life ,so think about her and make enquiries where you can go, there are shelters ,do some research in the area where you live.Its hard I know but it wont get better unless he seeks help it will continue and get worse .

[Kayannaboo]

I usually encourage working things out but I would look about getting ready to leave. As you described in your post, this will not be easy as there are financial troubles among other factors. If he doesn't want to get help and doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour, then there is nothing to be done in terms of fixing the situation. In order for change to occur, one has to admit they have a problem and take responsibility for what they have done, he is unwilling to do so.

Some men who are the main bread winner of the house, overlooks what the other party has done because they do not see it as important. For example: housework -- they do not feel as if it necessary to compliment the neatness of the house or even appreciate because they feel as if "you are suppose to do it". And instead of seeing the bigger picture and be grateful that you are at least bringing in SOME money and encourage you to find a better job, he degrades you because he is making more.

Most people I am guessing do not understand the concept of marriage. They do not know that it is a constant "work in progress" and that it takes a team effort. And so you are doing your part in doing the housework, taking care of your daughter's needs and having a job no matter how little you are making and he is just being dumb. He is not supportive, and you do not deserve to live like this and your daughter does not need to grow up with this.

I would suggest that you aim to find a better paying job, do not procrastinate, it will ruin you. You need to get to a healthier environment for your daughter's sake and for yours. Good Luck dear!

Anna

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd get ready to leave.  Do you have family who will support you in another place if you can get to them?  There have to be places where you can work, if you can find a decent place to live, even if it is temporarily with a relative for free.  The situation you're describing simply can't last.

[Jaz1989]

maybe his having an affair and trying to throw things up too fight. it seems to me that you are down in the dumpss about yourself when really its not you its him. Thats emotional and physically draining to do. so at that YOUR A STRONG WOMAN AND WHEN YOUVE HAD ENOUGH YOULL KN OW. N YOULL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.

[mamaamw]

Even if I ever get sick, he blames it on me being lazy. He isn't the type that would stop by the store and grab some gatorade when you have a stomach virus or offer to get meds. He's the type to come home wonder what Im fixing for supper. I'm so ready to give up on life all together. I'm so over this. My daughter is what keeps me going.