Can't Undersand Why

[ANewLife4Me]

I was wondering why, if anybody knows.... Why would a woman feel so down about HERSELF after being struck by her partner/boyfriend?  Why then would the woman feel the need to cling to her abuser over the next few days?  How does one fall into a domestic violence situation with somebody when they never thought they would?

[margypops]

You are so welcome and glad you are staying strong...you are going to be a success,well done .

[ANewLife4Me]

I meant :)

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you Teko, that cycle that you describe is very clear to me now where it was not before.  I really appreciate your advice.

I keep reading ALL of the advice over and over, as well as literature available on the internet, and a article on "Stockholm Syndrome", which was very interesting and helped me to answer the question of why the clingyness after the episodes of abuse?

Thank you so much ladies for supporting me and sending me notes and messages, it's helping me to be strong everyday, and I AM staying strong and still staying away.  I just wish he would do the same and stay away, but as it's been 4 days already, I'm hoping and praying he gets picked up soon.

I wasn't going to post this as I've felt so embarassed and ashamed since I've posted this and it's been somewhat "out in the open" but you know what?  That's just part of the fear and control he is instilled in me and it's time to stop.

I can't believe how much damage can be done in such a short time but hopefully I'm on my way to healing with the help of my counselors, gotta add the S on to that now, lol, and with the support of my family and friends and my new friends at MedHelp.  Thanks again ladies ")

[teko]

I think its a gradual thing. An abuser will start by verbally tearing you down, telling you how lucky you are to have them and no one else will have you, cut you off from friends and family, isolate you to where you are under their control. Then if they hit you they will usually tell you it is because you made them do it somehow. Like why did you make me do that? Then the I am so sorry, never do it again, gifts and loving and tears if thats what it takes. Ultimately the abused feels responsible for creating the situation, carrying the guilt of making it happen by words or actions that upset them. There is usually a cycle and it starts all over again after the culmination of the violence. Then it starts all over again, with a period of time where everything is great, then the irritation will start showing itself again, verbal abuse, then violence, then making up, over and over. Once the abused person has been beaten down so far they feel trapped in a box they cannot get out of, feeling sorry for the abuser as someone they need to take care of. Once an abuser hits, it will happen again and possibly worse each time they do it and the abused stays is allowing it to escalate. IMO

Re connect with friends and family, do not isolate yourself and study the cycle of domestic violence, and get out of it. Whatever it takes.

[margypops]

Then leave , by staying you are enabling him to do it, i agree that most times it doesnt stop, but its your life not his , take back control, there are places to go nowadays if you put the area you live into google and Battered womens shelter in they will give you help.If you stay it will get worse ..Good luck I know its not easy but you can do it..

[ANewLife4Me]

I just wanted to post something for anybody who happens to read this post.  THEY DON'T STOP.  It just get's worse until your left with broken bones, bruises and broken dreams.  Left with nothing.

[margypops]

You are welcome ,ask when you are ready and good luck , hope its works out for you

[allmymarbles]

Lack of self-esteem. You might want to seek counseling.

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you ladies for responding, I just got on and want to read through these carefully and ask some questions later.  Thanks again....

[iam1butterfly]

"the need to cling" ...even to one's abuser, is a thought processes that arises from a fear of abandonment, rejection and I believe... an intrinsic fear of being alone. This fear, which is stronger than the fear of the actual physical abuse, can have such a profound and dominate psychological grip that it erodes our sense of self... making us mentally paralyzed, emotionally imprisoned, spiritually demoralized and sadly... open and vulnerable for victimization in it's various forms.

Cling no more and set yourself free!

[Dazon50]

The feeling down is being faced with the loss of a dream---the perfect or near perfect relationship, betrayal of the promises made to love, cherish and honor.  Disbelief that this cannot be happening to me and replaying what happened, letting emotions take control.

I think Margypops post illustrates a valid reason.

There are lots of reasons as far as clinging to the abuser.
It is hard to give up a dream.  You have the person you fell in love with, the dream marriage that you don't want to give up, the idea/belief he didn't really mean it but was frustrated because of (fill in blank), denial unable to deal with the opposite of what it would be mean to have to leave/change facing the "unknown", embarrassment over what others will think,  thinking if he did this to you, will someone else?  In with the blaming self is thinking that there is something wrong that no one else will want you and many more.

I tend to think there is a process involved in talking oneself out of leaving because of the above reasons and much more.  If there are children involved, more to cloud the reality of what one is dealing with.

As far as falling into the domestic violence situation, it happens when there is a lack of self-control.  The frustrations mount up and instead of seeking outside help and stepping out of the home (where it is happening), the ones involved keep at each other till it gets physical.  Often there are tears & promises that this will never happen again, but once the door is open........no guarantee it won't happen again.

Most suggest to leave.  Hard as it is to do.

[margypops]

It happens a lot, women sometimes believe its their fault that he hits them, they think they lead him to do it,the ones that escape are the ones who do realise they are'nt to blame thay did nothing wrong,A lot of Women dread being alone or their finances are all tied up together .If this is you or someone you know at least its only a few days assuming they left, women can spend a lifetime being abused verbally or physically ...my opinion is the very first time a man strikes a woman she walks out, you dont think that will be the last time it never is , it will be repeated ,very often in front of children,some children see and hear abuse through their childhood .If this is you or someone you know tell them to pack up and Go it wont get better .....good luck