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Confused & just need help justifying if this is rape.
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Confused & just need help justifying if this is rape.

Hi, I'm 16, and I was seeing this guy in 2012 for only 6 months. We've talked about many things , I felt I started to care for him and develop feelings as well. One of the things we talked about was sex , & we were both curious but I didn't want to initiate any action until I was ready. He said he was fine with that . But I realized he was becoming overly curious. Touching my legs , and always wanting to kiss me even in public. I didn't make much of this. It wasn't until one day he decided to test the limits of his curiosity. I asked him to take me to get icecream. I told my parents I would go straight home after that. After we got icecream we sat in the car, he pulled out his wallet and showed me a condom. We had talked about being prepared if necessary but I didn't/ wasn't in the mood to do anything anyway.

He continued saying that "we better use it soon then" he laughed an I thought it he was just joking. We pulled out of the parking lot & he turned into a park. And Parked there. I asked him why he stopped here for I was supposed to go home. He claimed he wanted to show me something in the backseat. I had a bad feeling , but in my heart I thought I should trust him more. He started kissing me and climbing ontop of me, I quickly questioned what he was doing . He ignored me. He starting rubbing me , & pushing me down. I told him no, but he wouldn't stop. I was tired that day from a match I played the day before. I wanted to fight him but I held off . He pulled off my shorts and pulled off my underwear. I sat up and told him to stop and that we shouldn't be doing this. I asked him to grab my clothes but instead he pushed me back down & kissed me again. He fingered me, it hurt. Then he went down on me & had oral sex on me. I told me to stop so many times. I began to cry. He ignored my cry then grabbed the condom & put it on. I was scared , scared of many things. I was exhausted & I felt him put it in. It was extremely painful. I told him to take it out. Again he ignored me. I gave up.

After that, he drove me home. I was silent, & I began crying again. He parked away from my house. He tried talking to me about it. He said he would listen to me more.. I said I forgave him. But it's been months and I've been questioning what this is. I felt guilty and tried forgetting about it all this time. I didn't wanna tell anyone. Please help me..
16 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Sweetie this is rape. If you said no then it means no. specially if your crying. You should have fought back but its scary. I didn't fight back when it happened to me because I was to scared. I tried running though but I wasn't fast enough. You need to talk to someone. If your not willing to tell your parents or press charges atleast talk to your guidence consulor. It really does help to talk about it. I hope your not still seeing this guy. If I was you I would press charges and make sure that this doesn't happen to any other girl. You do need to be more careful with your actions though. You never should have gotten in that back seat specially after him showing you the condom. Becareful sweetie and please talk to someone about this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I've never talked to anyone about it. I hate thinking about it . And because of my naive decisions and judgements blurred by emotions.. I just . I don't know what to feel or think. Anything I ever thought about love has been completely shut down. After I stopped seeing him, I confronted him to leave my family alone. He held me against my will. I managed to get away but we had to go to court for that. I have a protection order against him. I never told my parents what happened. And I'm way too scared & ashamed to say anything about it..
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Avatar_f_tn
But thank you for telling me what you think..
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757137_tn?1347200053
Don't lose your faith in love. Thee are decent out there who are worthy of your affection.
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't feel ashamed, it is not your shame, it's his. You should tell your parents. Parents love their children and just want to protect them. It took 11 years for me to tell my mom about my uncle molesting me because I felt the same as you. Good luck and God Bless you.
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5005564_tn?1362546697
NEVER feel ashamed. This was absolutely rape and in no way your fault. Have you confided in a close friend or family member, this is not something you should carry alone.
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Avatar_m_tn
Do not feel ashamed  .. Do get away from this guy and consider even calling the cops ... he is dangerous
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1700643_tn?1348985292
I read this when u first posted and responded but I c it didnt go through.1st YES he raped u.U didnt want to have sex(it was not consensual),u said no,told him to stop,he pulled ur cloths off and forced himself on u.As for the comment saying"u should have fought back".Thats NOT WHAT U SAY TO A VICTIM OF RAPE.Its shock which the poster knows since she went throught the same.U have NOTHING TO FEEL EMBARASSED OR ASHAMED ABOUT HONEY.U did NOTHING WRONG.The thing is that rape isnt about sex,its about power(the power is what gets these jerks off).U also had to get the law invoved to get him to leave u alone.U need to b brave and make a report.No there is no physical eveidence BUT its likely he may do this again and if another girl reports it later on ur report will help to convict him.He will hopefully b brought n,questioned but most important finger prints&dna for later on.If u feel this bad u can help another girl later on.He has lots of signs of a stalker,he is a rapist and they dnt stop.U r very brave,u can tell the truth.Get help or this will continue to haunt u.
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Avatar_f_tn
    How are you handling it now? As the other people who posted said, it was Definitely and 100%, no doubt, rape. Even if a person does't fight back at all, saying anything like "No," "Stop" "Don't" -- Anything that means you don't want to continue, even just One time, and the other person continuing anyway, makes it rape. He should have Immediately stopped touching you when you said no. Continuing-- even if there hadn't been intercourse, would have been sexual assault and it's equally wrong and illegal.

     Have you chosen to talk about this with any friends or family, yet? It is your choice and, while I think it would help in your situation, it's your decision to talk about it if you ever decide to. Especially considering that a court granted you an order of protection, no one would think you're lying, and certainly you didn't do a single thing wrong. Even if you choose not to discuss it with friends or family, I hope that you trust that they love you and would support you in any way they could. If you want to speak with someone on the phone anonymously to discuss it, there are rape crisis phone lines which could be considered. It may help to hear a trained person tell you that it was rape and discuss your feelings about it.

     I'm so, so sorry he did that to you. There are boys who will love you in the true and caring way you expected from him. He's in the minority. You deserve true love and a boy who will treat you with respect.


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1894410_tn?1364193655
I was raped when I was 11 and never told a person and it screw me up for the next 10 years and I don't think I ever got over it. He told me it wasn't rape because I didn't fight him, at that age you know nothing. You have to decide whether you want to tell or not, I would start with your mum if you have a good relationship with her, but please tell someone, your best friend anyone, because it will chew you up inside. I became a very hateful little girl and went out of my way to hurt as many men as possible and some of them were very nice men. Please talk to a Councillor even if it is rape help line. This site is a good start, well done. This boy prays on girls like you because you will feel ashamed and won't speak. You were raped, you did not commit this rape, you did not ask for sex, you did not at anytime do anything wrong.....please believe me, HE DECIDED TO BREAK THE LAW, he bought a condom with the plan of rape, HE DECIDED TO BREAK THE LAW by not stopping when you said no, and when you cried. HE BROKE THE LAW......YOU ARE THE VICTIM .....you need to think about your future and whether you want to press charges, you can even talk to the police and make them aware of this boy, because you might not of been the first and I can guess you won't be the last....this way they can watch out for him...I am 50 years old and my memories are still as clear now as that day, because I didn't deal with it....please deal with it now, firstly by talking, counseling and then decide about if you want to charge him. Good luck and God Bless, I am here if you need a chat. Kindly Elvy
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Thank God you found this forum to open up about this. It's just to much to bare all on your own. If you're close to your mom, please give her a chance to help you get through this. Please talk to a rape crisis line, about what you can do to help stop this man from getting away with rape again. I really believe that it would help you a great deal to go to the police with this story, if they have your experience on file, it might help to get him off the streets, because indeed rapists should be put in jail, it is a crime. It's also a crime to let him get away with it, so if you can muster the courage to talk about this to the police, you may well stop this from happening to some other poor girl. Please try to talk to your mom, so that she can get you to a therapist. Not dealing with this now, simply means that you will have to deal with it later. Why put it off when the complexities can cause so much damage in your future relationships. ? God bless you girl, and thank you for being so brave to get the restraining order, as you did. God bless you. If you ever need to talk, please reach out to anyone you see on here that you want to. It always helps to make friends when we're going through rough patches in our lives.xo Liz
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173939_tn?1333221450
It is indeed good you found this forum. You can remain anonymous and still know you are not alone. Depending on where you are, there may also be crisis hotlines that can let you know of other anonymous help services such as for rape or stress in general. Just don`t carry the burden of what happened on your own.

I can tell you from a similar experience at age 18 that for another 30 years I had carried the question you asked with me and this hurt all other relationships. I wish I had talked to a *neutral* person back then to regain trust and direction in life.
I had turned to my mother who ignored what happened because she indirectly blamed me (for going to a party). And talking to police was a catch 22 because the guy was a police officer himself. He had tricked me into thinking that my (first) boyfriend who was his coworker had left the party and he could give me a ride. He then turned into a forest and I was simply too scared to run into darkness and provoke him more than necessary.

I too call this rape what you went through - and the guy should consider himself lucky for getting away with a restraining order if that is what you have now. But for your own emotional health, do contact an anonymous professional service. Don`t be a fool like me who spent so much time thinking that guys just want to trick you or use you. Many men are good-natured but have not learned how to respect boundaries or deal with consequences. Hope somebody nice will come your way.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sweetie that was most definitely rape and not your fault. I was sexually abused when I was 14, by a guy I was working for. I didn't tell anyone for 2 years unfortunately he did do it to someone else in the meantime ( I blamed myself for that for a ling time even though it wasn't my fault) I am now 33, it is hard, but I am living proof that it gets easier, if you ever want to talk message me
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Talk to your parents. They will understand and support and help you. Its not your fault and don't be afraid to tell them. I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm a mom and would want my daughter to tell me and I would be there for her 100%.
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Avatar_f_tn
Wait to get your mom alone and tell her first. She can deal with your dad. It's easier that way for you. It is too hard to tell both at the same time.
I am Soooo glad I told my mother. She had my back, she talked to my dad and when I saw him after, he hugged me and told me all would be OK.
I did not have to tell him anything.
Tell your mother honey.
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5371784_tn?1370828132
Yes this is rape! I might sound crazy but I'd take action now n either lock him up or something . I was 8 when I first started getting rapped n he was married to my grandma. He was 32. He told me if I told anybody he would kill her. Well she was all I had I don't know my father n my mom has been in prison since I was 4. Needless to say I didn't want her to die. 3 yrs later I got courage to say something n they wanted to say I was lying. 2 1/2 yrs ago one cop took me seriously n started investigating but told me case had to b closed cuz there was no physical evidence . This man is still out n about n lives in same location! I found him in yellow pages. I'm 20 now! N still there's nothing I can do! U never know who else that guy might touch. I have been raped by 3 men. 2 while in foster care n again nobody believed me cuz I was going threw......let's say a very bad phase. I'm sorry this happened to u! I don't have all the answers but if u would ever like to talk for emotional support from a fellow rape victim I'm here!
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