Could it be molestation?

[Worried737]

I have worries that my daughter may be being abused by my husband. There is no real proof and she can't exactly tell me. She is only 2 years old. Since October of last year I have left her with my mother when I go to work. She has always been ok, just a little upset when I leave. But...3 months ago she started panicking every time I would leave her. This stressed me out, made me cry because I didn't know why. Now at those times my husband would pick her up from my Mom's house and be home alone with her until I got off work, which was 2 to 3 hours later. Well when he would pick her up, my mom says she would throw a fit and not want to go with him. Before 3 months ago this didn't happen. When he tries to kiss, hug, or play with her she pushes him away. I ended up quitting my job last month to be home with her. Then I noticed when he would come home from work she would be happy he was home but, she would run if he tried to pick her up or give her a kiss. She would get mad if he persisted. He is the only person she does this to. She has many people in her life, male cousins, male uncles, her grandpa and grandma, and a couple of aunts. She will go and play with any of them including me but gets irritated at him. It never used to be like that. I thought maybe it was terrible two's cause she gets more mad now but I don't know. If she sleeps with us she wakes up through the night, really irritated. Also, she won't go to the store with him by herself. If she has to she screams and panics, reaching for me. Then about a week ago I was on the computer and I heard her cry... I jumped up immediately and went into her room. When I got in there he was already holding her, I didn't hear him go in there. I heard him come out of the bathroom, heard the creak on floor, I thought he went to bed. The thing is he never goes to her when she cries, so i was very surprised and worried. He never used to wanna take her to the store or have me leave her if I left. Now all of sudden, he wants to. Doesn't if sound fishy? At this point I feel stupid cause it all sounds bad, but I know that accusations against a person, if there not true, can ruin them. She also started complaining a couple months ago that her Vagina and her butt hurt. Half my life I was molested so I didn't want to touch her down there to make sure she was ok. But 2 days ago she was complaining a lot so I made sure my sister was in the room and I kinda looked. She had a rash, she is potty trained so I thought maybe it's from the panties. I took her to the hospital the said it looks like an irritation, but to trust my instincts. OK, can express my worries all day long so I should stop now and wait for and answer. One more thing...if i tell him I don't want to have sex he waits until he "thinks" I'm asleep. In the morning when I ask him if we had sex, he tells me no. Anyways can someone give me some advise.  

[RockRose]

Yes,  I think you should be very concerned.  It certainly sounds possible that he is abusing her.  Most of your post,  I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt - trying to picture a dad who was hurt because his daughter kept rejecting him - maybe he'd try to be alone with her and foster a better relationship.  I thought,  that could be likely.  That he was in her room making her cry is a big red flag.

The biggest red flag is your weird sexual relationship,  worried.  What you do is equally odd for both of you - that he is willing to have sex with what he thinks is his sleeping wife,  and you are willing to lie there and pretend to be asleep and then ASK did we have sex last night?  That's weird.  For both of you.

I think you have real concerns that he is molesting her.

[jo929]

try taking her to a child psycholigist, i think they have ways of knowing if a child has been molested, or not, but i would make sure that, she was not alone with him, until i was sure, also all of this is not healthy for your marriage, but the childs welfare comes first  luck  jo

[MrsOckert]

I agree you definitely have cause for concern.  I applaud you that your daughter's welfare is your primary concern.

Get her to a professional.  They should be able to weed through her young age.  I was 2 when my Dad started molesting me and I remember having the same reactions.  Never wanted to be alone with him, etc.

[holly_b]

I definitely thinks it looks suspicious but IF you're husband was innocent it would destroy your relationship that you even contemplated he was abusing your daughter.

I agree with the previous posters take her to a professional who will know but I wouldn't let your husband know anything about it until you are sure.

Until then make sure your husband is NEVER left alone with your daughter even if this means taking time off work(make up an excuse to tell your husband you feel run down etc.).

I found the comment about your sexual relationship a bit strange also, I think you shouldn't hesitate in mentioning this to the therapist as that is the main reason that I think you may be right about the abuse. Your daughter is young, her behavior could be dismissed as a phase so it is important to let the therapist know all the facts about your husband's sexual habits. Good luck and keep us posted.

[treazzure007]

confront your husband with all of this.  you act as if you two are STRANGERS living together.  how could you as her mother continue to live in this suspence for a single day???

i was really annoyed with your post.  you sound weak and naive.  move it.  get busy getting to the bottom of this.  ask questions, make accusations, so what if it's not true?  i wouldn't mind someone asking or voicing thier concerns for their child ever.  

that time he was in her room and you were concerned but didn't express your concerns.  come on.  speak up.  then, you ask him if you two had sex together??? did you ask him if he drugged you too???  im sorry.  this post just made me MAD

[Worried737]

What on earth do you know? were you ever molested...I didn't want to touch her, so what that's a good thing. It's hard, you have know clue, my abuse stopped 5 years ago. I was completely brainwashed, excuse me if I don't handle things exactly the way people want me to.
  The acting like I was asleep "was" a test, to see if he was capable of taking advantage of a someone. Acting like your asleep comes very easy when your ashamed and tired and need a break so you have strength to fight the next night, I learned that with my father. I kicked my husband out because of it I did end up asking him about our daughter and he got upset at me he told me he couldn't believe that I would think that. I can't really trust what he says, everyone's right, but it's because i learned with my father that a person can lie their butts off and ball and cry but, still be guilty. I wont let him come back into my home, I decided that today when he called, he will be working on buying his own home. I think it would be safer that way anyways because if I'm feeling like it's possible he is touching her and he isn't really, then living in separate homes would be best.  

[Worried737]

Also my daughter would be able to see him, but I would always be there...supervising.

[MrsOckert]

Your first post was rather bizarre, especially for people that have never experienced anything like this.

Your first problem is that fact that you were subjected to such horrible abuse for so long.  Now every situation you see is going to be colored by that perception.  Your going to see abuse where it may or may not exist.  Are you getting any counseling?  You really really need to talk to a therapist and deal with this.  It won't get any easier.

I do know someone else that would do the same bizarre thing as you and your husband....she would pretend to be asleep and he would have sex with her.  They both had been abused (sexually) by a parent so I think it has a lot to do with that.  But it's a very strong indication that you are NOT in a healthy relationship.  

I'm glad you've separated but I can't suggest strongly enough that you get into some kind of therapy and maybe eventually therapy for you and your husband together.

Does your husband know you were abused?

[james2069]

Always trust your gut, your child is too young to defend herself and needs you,I would deffinately maybe set up a hidden camera, or even a tape recoreder so you can hear whats going on when your not around, I seen on the news once a mother thought her daughter was being abused at school so the mother put a small tape player in her backpack and recorded the abuse,I would trust the feeling that you have and find out whats going on!

[margypops]

You need to take your daughter to your Doctor and ask for her to be examined,I understand your not wanting to look at her down 'there 'as it had been done to you ,this was a normal reaction and not Bizarre,you are concerned and not just putting your head in the sand, if he is abusing her you have protected her and what could be better. It sounds as if you need to speak to someone ,soon,and dont leave him alone with her,it would be good if there is some truth in it ,your Doc will advise, to leave and take your Daughter to Family away from him.

[margypops]

I meant it would be good if you have Family to go to them.I have a keybord with Gremlins in it.

[margypops]

I meant it would be good if you have Family to go to them.I have a keybord with Gremlins in it.

[margypops]

I meant it would be good if you have Family to go to them.I have a keybord with Gremlins in it.

[margypops]

I meant it would be good if you have Family to go to them.I have a keybord with Gremlins in it.

[margypops]

I meant it would be good if you have Family to go to them.I have a keybord with Gremlins in it.

[margypops]

Sorry guys I dont know what happened I think it is a problem at Med Help and the posts are coming up over and over!!

[RachelVaughn]

Can i be honest here...I was molested for 8 years by my stepdad, I also have a daughter that is 2. The original posting is all speculation..If you are concered then confront the situation, but at the same time realize that becasue you were abused..you may see things that are not there...Becasue i am super paranoid myself, I understand. If I even thought my husband was molesting my daughter,,he would be gone. Its a powerful accusation, just be sure.

[Alison2587]

I think you have every right to be concerned about your child, and I would trust your gut instinct, I also understand you not wanting to touch your childs private parts. My son is 2 and I still find it very difficult to change him and bath him because I was abused as a child, and I feel like I shouldn't be touching him there. I know that its irrational because I am his mother and would never hurt him, but it all stems from my own abuse. I think if you have concerns they will not simply go away. Also, if your husband is waiting until he thinks you're asleep then having sex with you, he is in effect raping you. Many people don't see rape in marraige as a crime but rape is rape no matter what the circumstances. If he does things to you, that you did not consent to then its rape. I would ask a doctor to examine your child. It may be unpleasant but you need to know if something is happening to her. If she is clearly distressed everytime she sees her father then red flags go up. In any case, it is clear you do not trust your husband, and without trust a relationship is over. I do hope things work out for you and your family.

[Worried737]

We all saw a counselor about a week ago. The counselor did little tests with dolls and stuff, she decided my daughter was fine. She had us explain our relationship from the beginning. She said that because every time we got in an argument I was the one holding my daughter, I would not let go because I was scared he would take her forever. I know know it sounds stupid but she said that I always get ready for the worst before anything happens. I am sorry for making accusations against my husband. We signed up for more counseling sessions. The sex during sleep, he said sorry, he said he didn't know how I felt about it. I should have been more open with him about my feelings, I realized in the past week, thanks to the counselor, that I never really knew him very well, same with him. I let him come home, things have been totally different and I see it all in a different light now. I took her to our regular doctor and found out she had a rash in the vaginal area because of not being cleaned enough. I now know that I have to get rid of my uncomfortableness and take care of her better. I feel stupid! I should never have thought the things I did. Thank you all of you, for your insight.

[Worried737]

The reason she didn't want to go to my husband was cause of the fights, sorry.

[treazzure007]

you are truly ....different.  reading everything you've written about you and your husband's relationship sounds like you two are strangers.  that counseling may help but i truly think that you have the problem within yourself

[tamtam504]

I would try to ask her even if she is only two.If she gets that upset and leads you to believe this may be the problem maybe she will be able to say why she does not like him holding or touching her. By the reactions of her being upset she knows excactly why give her the benifit of doubt ask her. I hope this helps you and god bless you and your family.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I have 4 daughters and they all ADORE their father and we argue plenty.  So, to me, that doesn't mean that nothing has happened.  It just doesn't seem like a child would reject her father.

I am not a doctor, of course.  I just know how my daughters react to their father so that just doesn't sound normal to me.

Good luck

[mosaicsjo]

I know you said you were molested and that kind of puts a jaded spin on things.

However, do NOT dismiss your original gut instinct because a counselor told you your daughter is not being molested due to testing with dolls.  Come on now..

Worse case scenario- Your husband has molested your daughter. If so, that would mean that he is a VERY cunning individual. A very good liar, a professional manipulator, and he will deny, deny, deny until the end of time. Molesters are pros.. They know what they are doing. They will never admit wrongdoing, and they will carry on like NOTHING happened.

You are doubting yourself too much. Do not extend the amount of trust to him that you feel you should because of what a counselor told you.  As far as going to the doctor? They cannot tell you with certainty if your daughter was abused UNLESS she was penetrated and it caused damage to the tissue.  Your story about your daughter panicking when you leave her? SHE IS NOT DOING THAT BECAUSE YOU HOLD HER WHEN YOU FIGHT WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!! She is genuinely afraid.. Please get a clue on that.

I used to get TERRIFIED when my mom would leave me with my dad. I would cry, and beg for my mom not to go. Why? Because my dad would beat the sh!t out of me and my brother every time my mom left.

Kids do not act like that for reasons as trivial as being held by you during an argument. You have a maternal instinct that you should not be ignoring.

Your postings are starting to baffle me.