Abuse Support Community
Dating someone that has been abused and controlled
About This Community:

This community is for discussions relating to emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, spousal, and verbal abuse. Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Dating someone that has been abused and controlled

I have a different situation then those that I have read.  I have been dating a woman (41 years old), exclusively and intimately, that has been through a controlling and abusive 21 year marriage.  I really thought we were doing well and seemed very happy together.  She is divorced and and recently ran into her ex and quickly started trembling and crying.  She called me afterward to tell me what happened and later in the night she told me she did not want to see me anymore or will not talk to me because she still feels that because she shook and cried when he came up behind her that she still has feelings for him and it is not fair to me.  I personally don't think she still has feelings for him but more of a programed reaction from a abusive relationship.  Don't want to lose this woman but don't know how to approach the situation with her or what I can do to help her.  Any advice good or bad would be helpful? Thanks
7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I think she does still have feelings for him - she stayed with him for 21 years,  and that kind of relationship is what she prefers.  Sad,  but true.  That's what she's comfortable with and that's what she is seeking to find again.

I would move on if I were you and find a woman who appreciates your loving,  caring,  normal guy attitude.

Best wishes.

Blank
757137_tn?1347200053
RockRose has said it all.

Again and again we see women who remain with their abusers, even though there is nothing to prevent them from leaving them.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i have to agree to disagree,i believe this woman is still being controlled by the man who abused her all these years.it is probably more out of habit and fear that she thinks she has feelings for him..you really do need to think twice whether you want to take on this relationship..it sounds like it would be a rocky road to go down...maybe your best cutting your ties as i think if you continued with it..it would be a lot of hard work..is that something your willing to take on?
Blank
3060903_tn?1398568723
your partners with every partner your partner has had... takes a whole new meaning here, wow, what a incredible thing to walk in on..... and have to deal with....  to her 21 years i a lot to compete with...... to her only.. not to the universe..... if you continue as her family you're going to need to do counseling with her to let her know what your expectations are for her health and yours, i think anyway~~. thinking of you, keep posting, you need to recognize YOUR position and not become too entangled in this codependency to see it....
best of luck

Liz
Blank
1548028_tn?1324616046
Yes, she probably still has feelings for this person.  21 years of marriage is a long time, abuse or not.  But, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to go back to that life.  In my opinion, that is the question.  If she wants to go back to her life then it's time for you to move on and know that you have shown her life and relationships can be good.  If not, then you both need to sit and talk.  Some therapy might be a good idea.  Goodluck with all.
Blank
757137_tn?1347200053
There is a positive side to living with a take-charge partner. You have little responsibility. That is attractive to some women.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Wanted to say thank you all for the advice.  Tough love!! but thanks.  Just to followup she did comeback only to leave again and is not speaking with me.  She stated she needed to find herself and learn to do things on her own.  I did offer to go to counseling with her but she did not take me up on it.  So as of now taking the advice and staying away...hard but I will live and get up in the morning...If the good Lord brought us together once he can do it again.  Will be praying for her welfare and health...
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Abuse Support Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
18 hrs ago by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other
1643531_tn?1390433321
Blank
Godisfaithful
Hinesville, GA