Dating someone that has been abused and controlled

[jrw1]

I have a different situation then those that I have read.  I have been dating a woman (41 years old), exclusively and intimately, that has been through a controlling and abusive 21 year marriage.  I really thought we were doing well and seemed very happy together.  She is divorced and and recently ran into her ex and quickly started trembling and crying.  She called me afterward to tell me what happened and later in the night she told me she did not want to see me anymore or will not talk to me because she still feels that because she shook and cried when he came up behind her that she still has feelings for him and it is not fair to me.  I personally don't think she still has feelings for him but more of a programed reaction from a abusive relationship.  Don't want to lose this woman but don't know how to approach the situation with her or what I can do to help her.  Any advice good or bad would be helpful? Thanks

[jrw1]

Wanted to say thank you all for the advice.  Tough love!! but thanks.  Just to followup she did comeback only to leave again and is not speaking with me.  She stated she needed to find herself and learn to do things on her own.  I did offer to go to counseling with her but she did not take me up on it.  So as of now taking the advice and staying away...hard but I will live and get up in the morning...If the good Lord brought us together once he can do it again.  Will be praying for her welfare and health...

[allmymarbles]

There is a positive side to living with a take-charge partner. You have little responsibility. That is attractive to some women.

[ku111]

Yes, she probably still has feelings for this person.  21 years of marriage is a long time, abuse or not.  But, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to go back to that life.  In my opinion, that is the question.  If she wants to go back to her life then it's time for you to move on and know that you have shown her life and relationships can be good.  If not, then you both need to sit and talk.  Some therapy might be a good idea.  Goodluck with all.

[Nighthawk61]

your partners with every partner your partner has had... takes a whole new meaning here, wow, what a incredible thing to walk in on..... and have to deal with....  to her 21 years i a lot to compete with...... to her only.. not to the universe..... if you continue as her family you're going to need to do counseling with her to let her know what your expectations are for her health and yours, i think anyway~~. thinking of you, keep posting, you need to recognize YOUR position and not become too entangled in this codependency to see it....
best of luck

Liz

[lisaob1]

i have to agree to disagree,i believe this woman is still being controlled by the man who abused her all these years.it is probably more out of habit and fear that she thinks she has feelings for him..you really do need to think twice whether you want to take on this relationship..it sounds like it would be a rocky road to go down...maybe your best cutting your ties as i think if you continued with it..it would be a lot of hard work..is that something your willing to take on?

[allmymarbles]

RockRose has said it all.

Again and again we see women who remain with their abusers, even though there is nothing to prevent them from leaving them.

[RockRose]

I think she does still have feelings for him - she stayed with him for 21 years,  and that kind of relationship is what she prefers.  Sad,  but true.  That's what she's comfortable with and that's what she is seeking to find again.

I would move on if I were you and find a woman who appreciates your loving,  caring,  normal guy attitude.

Best wishes.