Future advice

[Katona1700s]

I love my boyfriend, we been together for almost three years and we were friends before we dated. We have a 9 month old baby. We had issues...a lot. He was immature and stupid and the stress of last year caused him to get emotionally and physically violent. He was put in jail in December for over a month and put through anger management and I went to awareness classes. Once he got out and the contact order lifted he was the old sweet guy I fell for...it lasted for a few months and he started to get angry and controlling...then I sat him down and talked to him and got through to him that it's not right. He has matured a lot and everything has been good, in fact I became the one who wore the pants in the relationship for quite a while (still kind of do) but a few weeks ago we had an incident walking from Walmart....he called me boring and it wasn't playful so I told him that wasn't right and it made me extremely upset.
All of a sudden he starts ranting about stuff, I can't even remember what. I remember saying "whatever, you want to be an *** then I'll be an *** back. I'm going home" and I turned around and started walking towards home. He grabs my arm and is like growling "no!" I twist out of his grip and tell him firmly not to touch me. His eyes changed...they turned cold and he grabs me again and says "what are you to do about it" he takes my grocery bag and stomps a few feet ahead of me then stops and turns around and just glares at me.
I'm so surprised that I just don't move, I can't help but to glare at him. Like, who does he think he is? And I say that he's being a little childish...and because I say that he takes the diapers out of the bag and throws the thing across someone's lawn and the baby puffs. At that point I realize where this argument was headed and deep down I knew I couldn't stay. I went over and picked up the stuff. He slaps it out of my hand and I tell him to quit. I'm doing everything I can to not cry at this point cuz I was getting scared, more scared that someone would see us. I stand up and look him dead in the eye and said "I'm done. I can't do this."
I picked the stuff up again and put it in the bag. He rips the bag from me...completely ruining it so I tucked the stuff under my arm. I remember I was worried about my wallet, I'd just cashed my check and had my phone in it. He of course took my wallet and the groceries from me and threw them again.
"Whatever" I said and left the stuff and walked down the street. He keeps up with me, throwing the stuff at me "where are you going!"
"Home" I said as I started to cry.
"You're being pathetic right now" he emphasized every word by hitting the stuff into my chest.
I kept walking. I think he started to calm down cuz he kept calling my name a he tried to keep up. He grabbed my shoulder, lightly than before "Hannah-**** there's a cop"
And deep down I thought "thank god...there's still honorable people who'd call 911 when a woman is in danger" but another part of me was afraid he'd go to jail again...and we kept walking till the cop car pulled up and the police procedure of taking our names and our stories....and stupid me lied, said we were just arguing over stress and that he wasn't hurting me.
And once the cop left, he came up to me and hugged me tightly and begged me to forgive him that he was an ******* and he was so sorry and how he took it way too far and he didn't know why. The rest of the time we walked he kept rubbing my arm and trying to hold my hand but I felt so numb....I should've broken up with him, I know...
I know what abuse is and I know I should leave. But since then nothing has happened, I fact I'm in complete control right now, I'm kind of mean to him lately and he's been sweet....I just...I feel like he's going to take control again or start the physical stuff again and I don't know what to do it it happens....cuZ I won't tolerate it again....but I need advice on what to do and how to get over him

[needtolose67]

Oops hit the wrong button! and have not found away to filter build there self worth app up. Whatever it takes for the positivity in your life do it. Find a support group whether it be mommy and me, abuse groups, single parent group orany other groups that you find helpful. Please remember our lives are being mirrored by are children. Please get help you are worth it! Peace and warm wishes are sent your way. I will pray that you and your baby are protected!

[needtolose67]

I can't tell you how to get over him. However, I can tell you with the time you will learn to love him less. Abuse is a hard thing to face in relationships due to the fact you love him and care deeply for him.  I don't know if your home life was abusive or ifyour dad abused your mom; but I do know that abuse is a learned behavior. the lesson that your daughter is going to learn okay for a man to hit a woman.you could break the cycle of this if you left a relationship. you are young enough to begin a life without abuse. They are agencies to help you leave him and and for you to get you counseling so that you can learn that you are strong enough positive enough just say no is someone else tries yo abuse in the future.I have found that women who are abused as an adult where is some way abused as a childand have not sound found hey way 2

[RockRose]

I'm assuming since you "cashed your check" that you have a job.  I agree with the others and say you need to get out.

I don't know what they taught you in "awareness" classes but it seems it was a complete waste of your time and theirs.

Best wishes.

[Nighthawk61]

_____________________________

WHAT ARE REASONS FOR UNDERLYING STRESS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

You haven't mentioned how old you are , or he is. You haven't mentioned whether you have both been working, (while you are now on maternity leave)? This is vital in the scheme of things. Many relationships are doomed because of finances. ie. starting a family that is unplanned for. If this is the case, then you  should both be considering college to upgrade your skills. That could be something that you could both support each other in doing. For the good of the family..

Often, parents quality time together takes a back seat to child raising. I'm NOT saying that raising kids together is not quality time together, i'm just saying that it's important for you both to have time together to bond as you've done in the past, prior to the baby. If this might be a problem, can you find a trusted babysitter, and get out , just the two of you?

You've said you "wear the pants" but in context of the current day , it is mostly considered optimal if both parent's have gone to college in order to get a career that is lucrative and interesting to them, as well as contribute equally financially and in decision making. When these things are out of whack, they are stressful.  Is your boyfriend feeling inordinate stress due to your family finances. It's the leading cause of divorce. And something that is workable, with student loans these days.  

Really listen to what is stressing you both out, and try to find meaningful ways to work through them.

____________________________________


When a person abuses another, they often let the victim think they are in control. It's a passive aggressive thing that people do. They know that they took too much control, so they loosen their grip, and then get mad that they are not the one seemingly in control , and hence put you in your place (beneath them).  That's another reason why it's so important for all things to be equal. Nobody feels good if they feel inferior. This should not be about you wearing the pants, or controlling everything , this should be about you both equally sharing in a partnership, and not needing to be the boss. This is not a business relationship, where there are roles to be played, ie. boss, underling.

In my opinion, your boyfriend needs a personal therapist, and your marriage needs a marriage counselor. If that is too much to ask, then consider just being friends until he can prove to you, more than one or two months, that he's learned how to handle himself. It might not happen, or it might not happen now in which case you should be looking at your own options.

It's a really tough place to be. In the middle of passive aggressive, anger issues. This should be a time that you live in peace and tranquility with your new baby. Any kind of chaos filters down to your child and results in their personalities being affected. Whether they are calm and trusting or anguished. This should be your first priority. Send your boyfriend in the direction of help, but beware if it is you that must insist he does. If you meant that much to him, he would have come up with it himself.

I wish you the very best and hope you get back on here and fill in a few blanks.

[Nighthawk61]

It's easier for us to give well grounded advice if you fill in a few of the blanks. From what i'm hearing at this stage, I'd have to say that you're in denial and not thinking clearly, although I've heard worst cases. You are asking for advice on what to do, and how to get over him. This shows that you are aware of the magnitude of this problem, Is it because you have educated yourself, or have you experience with co dependent relationships in the past?

_____________________________________

IS THIS BEHAVIOR UNACCEPTABLE FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE AS A MOTHER? BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE.

Hopefully you'll get that you're primary function here on this earth now is to raise your child and keep them from having an unacceptable role model in their lives, be it family members, lovers, co parent, or self.

You want more for yourself than this type of abuse, but you NEED more for your child.
___________________________________

HOW DEEP IS THE COMMITMENT TO NOT RE OFFEND ?

You've had the community step in, with Anger Management classes and an Awareness class for you. You have been educated, and given the tools to know what to do when his behavior results in an unfiltered acts of anger.

Your boyfriend is not just verbally abusing you, he is in fact physically abusing you. If a sick person is left to it's own devices their issues will progress, whether it's progressing physical abuse, or progressive addiction.

So, can you say what it is that you learned from the Awareness class and what was suggested to you if your boyfriend got abusive again?

What did his Anger Management class say that he do, if he was to continue to have outburst while in a relationship with you?

I think if you look closely at the information you've already been given, your questions in part would be answered.

IF you are not going to handle your relationship the way that you were both taught to in your classes, you really should break up, because the anger controlling and physical aspect of this abuse will continue, and progress. Maybe your boyfriend is not good at relationships. Maybe he just doesn't want to do the work. If he was good at relationships, he would reach out for help himself, because what he did to you when you went shopping was OBVIOUSLY TO ALL INCLUDING HIM, OUT OF CONTROL and your boyfriend will end up in jail again, further ruining his ability to provide for his child. In other words, if he and you can't learn to live well together, and the result is him being in jail, it would be better if you were just friends. Better for the both of you and better for your child. You could manage to raise the child as friends. Many do. It is an option for you to make as a responsible parent and partner.
_____________________________________

[thatquietgirl]

"I fact I'm in complete control right now,"

And that's where the lie from him to you is and you to yourself is right now.  HE is in complete control.  He knows how to play you, that he needs to let you have the feeling you're in control so you let your guard down until the next time he gets angry enough.  Get out of there now for your baby's sake if nothing else.  He will be an awful father to grow up with if he is that controlling, and if he's willing to hit you, what's to say he won't ever try that with the child should he get angry enough?

Get your things (just the necessities) and the baby's things and go to the police department.  They can find you somewhere to stay and help you.  You need to file charges and a restraining order against him.