abusive relationship needs help.

[jeffrey3519]

Ive been with my wife for 18 years and it has been a very hard 18 years. I'm not saying i have been an angel or don't have my own faults. I'm just saying that everything i have tried to do to make things better she does everything the opposite of what try to do. Then she will blame me for the things she does to fight with me. If i say i don't want to fight, she will get in my face to get me to fight with her. If i say, lets calm down and talk then , she will keep fighting until she gets what she wants. If i try and talk with her reasonably she wont reason with me. She works her self up so much that she gets the police to show up to are house. In witch she had got me arrested for domestic violence. She had told the police that i had hit her and kept her from making a phone call to the police, and that i was keeping her hostage. In all, I had to pay a lawyer to get me out of jail because I was looking at life in prison. The only reason i'm out of jail today is because my sister happen to have the money to pay for a lawyer, If it had not been for her i would have never got out. The public defender that i had was not even trying to help me. If this was to happen again, I would not have the money to get a lawyer or would anybody else. So every time she gets loud, i'm scared the police will take me in again and i wont get out. She knows this, and that's why she dose what she dose.  I know I could just leave, but I have no where to go. She has the only car we have  and she knows this. so if i was to leave, she knows that i would be out on the streets. So i feel really stuck and i don't know who to turn to.I just would like to know if there is any place i could go to get help that don't cost money or is low cost. They have all these places for women but none for men. Why is that? I really need some help before it is to late. Please some one or anyone who can help or refer me to get me some help, Please do so! You can e-mail me at ***@**** thank you for listening.

[jo871]

I don't want to judge neither you or your wife, you know why the situtation is as it is, that you want to share it with us (the readers) or not. However, I have a hard time sympathizing with you when I read that you stay because you don't have a place to go. Get a job, get three jobs if you have to, does it mean you are not working now and your wife is supporting you? Best advice, MAN UP!!!

[LyakGarcia]

go live with your sister for a while, until you are on your feet, and every time she starts to fight leave go outside, if she yells call the cops, tell them what's going on they will let u back in the house to get your stuff and leave, taking the bus is 1000 times better than putting up with the wife

[specialmom]

lovebird, I like what you said about writing triggers and changing one's reaction to do something else when you are triggered.  That is a timeless technique for redirection.  thanks for the reminder.

[lovebird56]

Make a trigger(anything that make u upset) list for how ever long ur willing. Then listen how happened what could been differnt and reaction and what you should have done. Save ur relationship fight don't fly.ask ur parenter sit or text cphone call what ever way will not lead to physical hurt if possibe mental eight.

[DFRG]

The courts do just listen and take you to jail I have experienced this. I would say she has a serious issue with pain from a past relationship and forecasts this on you. Many women who have been raped or. Sexually abused self-sabotage relationships because they feel their worth is not worth any good. This sounds familiar to another close friends story and they had to get counseling. I would try going with her to mesh out both of yalls issues. Be open to learn yourself and get involved at a close church that will support you. Get a married couple to mentor you both as well. This insures things being kept in the light so that being thrown in jail is not an option.

[RockRose]

If you truly don't have anywhere else to go,  The Salvation Army will give you a place to stay until you get a job and save up enough money to pay for a place to live.

BTW,  I agree with SM in being incredulous about the lifetime in prison.  That's for murderers.  I don't know what evidence your wife showed the cop that ANYTHING she said was true,  but if she was still alive to talk about it,  you wouldn't be going to prison for life.

You've fallen into this classic trap of being able to see walls that don't exist around you.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Um, life in prison?  Wow.  What were you accused of?  Had to be enough evidence to indict you for this as the courts don't just take someone's word that you did X to them.  She must have had some evidence????  

Really, I think you should move out onto your own.  If you say that she provokes you to hurt her OR you don't really hurt her and somehow you get charged with something that could send you away for life (really?  That is the big time------ can't imagine what you were charged with)----------  and the relationship is volatile and unhappy, etc.  Well, why would you stay?  You should leave and lead a more peaceful existence.  
good luck

[allmymarbles]

Don't you have a job? How do you and your wife support yourselves? Are there any children?

I think there is a lot you are not saying and that the problem is more complex than it appears. Please provide more information..