symptoms of abuse

[inneedofhelp82]

After going through analytical therapy about five years ago i realised i had been abused as a child i always knew it in my head but never told anyone, it was touching so i didn't accept it as abuse but now i realise it was, i find this very hard to deal with. I left the therapy i couldn't talk about it and i went into cbt therapy for panic attacks and anxiety i also have ocd and argraphobia and PTSD, i wondered is it possible that all there disorders could have been caused because of that abuse. I have recently been diagonised with depression as well. Growing up there was no love shown to me as a child i ended up getting pregnant at sixteen to an abusive partner who then tried to kill me. I have struggled on with my life but now at 34 i have attempted suicide twice in the past six months and my therapist says i have changed and i am unpredictable. My family aren't speaking to me now because of the suicide attempts but i have my partner and my children, my partner is good although he can be abusive at times, i wonder why me, i feel like i am stuck and suicide is my answer, could child abuse only touching really cause all this pain.

[inneedofhelp82]

I know what you mean it makes me seem so cruel and if i could choose not to feel like this i would. I am just so fed up with all the pain i feel and to be free of that would be so good, i know medication would probably help but i am so scared of medication i have had many allergic reactions to medication that is why i am so scared.
Three of my children have asthma and i know its important to take their medication but thats them i care for them not myself, i'm past that, of all the stuff that happened there must be something wrong with me for people to treat me like that. What you said makes me think, thanks.

[Stephanie65]

Let me tell you from experience - Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! So, you are telling me that medication scares you - but leaving your children without a Mother to grow up with doesn't?

Needing medication is not a crime! Actually needing it and receiving it is a sign of strength! Just like the person with diabetes takes an insulin shot daily. Don't discount medical help. I understand your fears - I don't take a Tylenol without thought. BUT - my oldest Son takes his asthma medication, my daughter has to take hers to keeps headaches away and my youngest takes his to be able to pay attention is school.

They work for them - and most likely will work for you. The side affects are there but manageable. You are talking about taking your own life. Trust me - you don't want to do that! They will wonder if you just didn't love them enough - mine still wonder about their Dad...

[inneedofhelp82]

I talked to my psychiatrist last week and he mentioned medication but i don't want it, i know maybe it might help but i am really afraid of it.
I am a very angry person only lately and i break things i know i shouldn't but i do. My head is constantly buzzing for a while and i am anxious and hyper then my mood will change to depressed, what confuses me is that suicidal thoughts are linked to depression but i feel suicidal even when i am anxious and less depressed. I'm not sure what to do anymore i try not to contact my therapist unless i really need to but it seems i need to a lot, it makes me feel weak as a person to need so much help. I am afraid they will put me in hospital again if i keep feeling suicidal, i'm not sure they trust me, my partner doesn't he is afraid that everytime i leave the house that i won't come back, its my fault though. Its good to know you are all here.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thankyou for your kindness, what you say makes alot of sense about the choosing the wrong partner bit as well i have made many mistakes and i get hurt very easily i am very sensitive and now i constantly wonder what other people think of me. My mood changes alot i go from hyper and lots of energy to suicidal in a matter of hours my therapist is worried he said i am too unpredictable and i won't take medication to stabilize my moods. I was hospitialized earlier in the year but i only stayed two days i went in vouluntary so i could leave when i wanted it didn't help, i was so scared there, they wanted me to go because i disappeared for 10 hours one day, my cousin found me the police couldn't find me at all, and i had bought packets of painkillers and i had diazapaem that the doctor perscribed and i was going to take them and when i came back i couldn't remember where all the hours had went so hospital was the safest option at that point. My parents don't speak to me because of that they blamed my partner but it wasn't his fault. Now i have no one apart from my therapist and partner and some other professionals.
I also suffer from nightmares, usually with a sexual content not sure why but i find it disturbing. I told my psychiatrist all this but he didn't say much, do they usually tell you what they think, he just talked about suicide and how to be safe and who to contact, it doesn't help i feel like a burden, he also said i was depressed but i think i already knew that. Thanks again

[teko]

I heard it said one time that depression is anger turned inward. Now if you really think about that it holds alot of truth. When we face situations that we feel powerless over, that anger has to go somewhere. I also learned that meds can be very beneficial while we are dealing with the issues at hand. But you must find a good psychiatrist to administer the one that works for you. Chemicals in the brain are off balance due to the longterm stress you have endured. You might want to research this and see what you think, but yes if administered in a foolhearty way, they can cause more problems than they are worth. Your anger is justified but it is also a very powerful emotion. If you can channel that anger into a positive direction you are well on your way to healing. My wish and prayer for you is that you will find someone you can turn to and they in turn will give you the insight and support you need. I would hate to see you waste the best years of your life. Happiness and peace is out there and I know in my heart you will find it. Hugs. Keep us posted as you progress or feel free to just come here and vent. We are here for you!

[inneedofhelp82]

Thankyou for replying, i thought that too that maybe the child abuse alone didn't leave me like this, there are alot of factors in my life and i have some mental health problems well alot to be honest but i am angry that maybe this could have been prevented if i had more support as a child and an adult. I'm not on meds i am afraid of them i need to feel in control all the time and medication scares me. I am glad you have found God and that it helps and that now you feel more peaceful hopefully i will some day too.

[NiCeeGlover]

I was 28 when those years of terror came flooding in my memory.

I was a young mother of 4. Twin Daughters 1, middle daughter 2, Son 3.

I had shoved it way back in my mind and tried to forget it.

I was over loaded and also a ministers wife and I got sick.

Doc told me I was depressed. I started seeing a therapist and was able to over

come those bad years and be a whole person and enjoy motherhood.

I want to encourage you to continue seeing your theropist.

I still see one at times and have for a lot of years.

When we go through things of this sort it has a way of messing with our minds and

hearts for the rest of our  lives.

We need the therapist to help us keep it sorted out so we can deal with "Normal"

everyday issues, and the past abuse doesn't consume our lives.

We will never completely forget it, but the feelings of disgust, anger, etc because

this was done by someone we trusted as a child, have a way of affecting our

relationships, jobs, many areas of our lives. as adults.

Especially if we see, hear, smell, or sense someone or something that causes flash

backs to those old horrid memories again.  

We are often drawn to the wrong person as a mate and continue to suffer.

We love deeper then others and we take rejection very hard and personal.

I understand this, because it's me too.

I was an over achiever all my life. I am smart,  I could control that part of my

life and the approval  for a job well done was what I longed for.

We love to be loved. When we feel we aren't it sends us back to the old pain.

We couldn't control those people who hurt us. We did nothing wrong .

We did not deserve those things in any way.

But we do carry the scares from it.

When adults we trust cross that line, we then have trust issues.

I am very sweet , I have a heart of mercy and it pains me to hurt some one.

I always think about how the other person would feel above myself.

I am also a Christian and have great Faith in the Lord.

He comforts me, guides me and has carried me through these dark murky times.

I see you are struggling with feeling of suicide.

I am concerned about this. Hon, this is where you have to find something to focus

besides yourself.  I understand you are in pain and hurt inside! I am too.

But we have to consider how our choices affect our children,

as children and than as adults. Also consider other people who do love us.

I am very pained to see you are suffering with these thoughts.

Please find someone you trust and talk to them. If you don't have someone,

or even if you do, I will be here for you. I will message you my email address.

I am going to share something very painful for me..... My sister committed suicide

she died a very painful  slow death.

She drove her car to a park ,poured gas all over herself and the car and lit herself on fire.

She had tried the pills and other things and they didn't work.

She was alive for two days after the fire, I flew from Indiana to MPLS

as quickly as I found out.

I had just spent two weeks with her in the hospital the month before and

she seemed to be doing so well, they released her as an out patient.

I have wished so many times she would have called me instead of

writing me letters to read when she was gone.

I will never get over it.! I mourn her passing and miss her.

Suicide is a painful thing for all involved.

I'm so sorry your family doesn't support you. I understand this too.

Neither does mine.

Please! Please! Don't let this kick you down like this!

You are a special person and God has a special plan for you!

He promises in his word to give us back the years that were stolen from us + some.

Talk to Him just like we are talking here,

he will listen and comfort you.

He loves you just the way you are!

Sometimes when I get sad, or down and

don't have words or strength to pray,

I whisper the name of Jesus. Over and over and over.

The Bible says that at the name of Jesus, satan has to flea.

It works try it!! You will feel a victory because you controlled

your feelings, took control and asked Jesus to help and sent satan packing!

That doesn't mean we'll never be down or sad again... we will.

I just repeat the same thing again and along with that, I ask him to show me which

door to got through so I can find the right direction he want me to go so I can live a

full happy life and make a difference in some one else s life along the way.

Jesus will never hurt us like other men have. He is right with you all the time.

I am not a doctor , but I can share with you that

yes, I do feel those dark times can have an affect on our health in a very real way.

I don't believe all illness are caused by the past pain,

but I feel it has a lot to do with how quickly or well we recover.

I'm praying for you. I promise I have so mush more

I could share with you that we have in common.

My goal today is to give you at least a ray of hope!

If we lose hope.... we lose every thing.

When you write back, think of some thing you enjoy doing.

Do you have a favorite spot to go to to get away?

These simple things do wonders for me.

I feel it's something special JUST FOR ME.

You are going to be on my mind all the time ! Please let me hear from you!

Hugs!!!   NiCee

[teko]

I cannot advise you from a professional view, only from one sufferer to another. I have been the victim of many of the same things you speak of. I can only speak from my personal experience. First I would ask you, are you on any meds to stabilize your moods? Secondly, I personally do not feel that touching alone has created all the things you suffer from. I think the compilation of it all is what has affected you. For me personally I had to decide I was worth something in this world and had something to contibute. For me it was a choice or more of a refusal to be beaten down any longer.I refused to allow my abuser the power over my future.  I struggled for several years, especially when my children were small, but as I got older it seemed the memories faded somewhat and I refused to allow myself to go there so to speak. I am no longer on meds and pretty much the past is the past. I am now a peaceful person and what was once is no longer an issue. I guess time does help along with the fact that other things happened to my children and their lives that took the spotlight off of me, forcing me to concentrate on other things. The pain of losing my son was nothing compared to what I had ever experienced.  I can only tell you my story and each of us are different with different personality traits and backgrounds, and not everything that worked for me will for you and so on it goes. I also found God and I must say that helped me tremendously. I remember how those feelings were so dark and lonely and I hope I never forget those, so I dont go back there. I hope you find your way soon as suicide is not the answer.

[NiCeeGlover]

Good after noon my friend,
I happened to come across your post and felt led to share with you a little about my life to give you a ray of hope.
I'm sending this so you have a message right away, I know how hard it is to wait on a response when your heart is so heavy.
I have been through alot of the same things you are going through hon.
I will write more right away, I just want to send this intro first and welcome you to the sight. You will find a lot of hope, love and comfort here. It's a safe place to vent and get encouragement!
Hugs NiCee