How to leave

[RJ1045]

I am a 43 yr old gay male. I have been with my partner for about 8 years. We have a great home, but that is all we have.....we are so different. He is very derogatory and makes fun of things that I like. He is very particular about things,.....going to a restaurant is not fun.....there is always something wrong!!! He always thinks about himself and then the rest of the world.......at my bday party, he left before I even blew the candles of my cake. His reason for leaving: too loud and people were talking about things he didn't care about. Sex is non-existent. This may sound weird being a male, but I don't want to have sex when I get treated as if I am inferior. He says that if we have sex, he would be nicer to me.....I know this sounds very messed up but unfortunatey, I still love him so makes my decision very hard. I don't want to lose my home either. Any comments would be welcomed. I am confused :(

[Nighthawk61]

RJ I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure the alcoholism, isn't helping your situation any. Listen, you're still young and beautiful no doubt, it's important to make a move so that you can find someone to spend your golden years with.  I'm 52 os the aging process has begun. Thank God it worked out that I was available to meet the man I'm with now. The sweetest most unselfish person I have ever met. :)  I'm praying that you do find the strrength to free yourself from the hurt and pain....

It's been a few days since you said you were having a big talk. Has anything changed? Liz

[RJ1045]

Thank you so much for your comment. Your words are very heartfelt. We will be having a big talk tomorrow as I have been out of the house for a couple of days. One thing I didn't mention was the fact that he is an alcoholic. Not a violent one, but if you say the wrong thing, he is very difficult and starts insulting. I do love him and is breaking my heart. I have a lot of support in my family and I do think I deserve to be treated better.  I am scared about taking this step. And I know I will miss him. He is a good man who loves me very much but we can't seem to make each other happy.

I pray to have the strength to do what's right.

Your words really help.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Really sorry that your relationship has taken this course.  That stinks and i'm sure it is confusing, as all who get to this point feel confused, as to what to do.  Remember, love is just an emotion.  Like any other.  It is not something that should absolutely be the sole reason you stay with someone.  In our life time, we have the capacity to love many and love in different ways.  You can love someone and decide that they aren't a great partner for you.

And I think you might be getting to that point.  You want something else in your life----  than what you have with this man.  I don't blame you---  he sounds very dominant and like his emotions unfairly rule your life.  You would like to be an equal with your partner and I really think that is the best thing too.  he's not let you do that in EIGHT years.  This probably won't change.  You are using sex to make your point that you don't want to be treated a certain way.  It's all just very unhealthy.

Houses are a wonderful thing.  But a house is not a home if it is filled with unhappy things.  Did you contribute financially to the house?  do you have any legal stake in it that you can claim if you leave?  You might try visiting an attorney as stated above and be able to receive some financial benefits from the home if it is sold.  

But don't let a nice place to live keep you from being free to find someone to have a great relationship with.  Think about what your options are.  

best of luck to you

[AnnieBrooke]

You can say you love him all you want, but if he acts like you are inferior to him, that is not really logical unless you are into unequal-power relationships, which you specifically say you aren't.  Sounds like things are on a downhill slide relationship-wise and you only "love" him because you don't want to lose the place where you live.  So, what rights do you have to the home?  Are you both on the title?  If so, you can force a sale and get half the proceeds; or one of you could buy out the other.  See a lawyer.