Aa
Did my mom know
When I was between the age of 9 to 11, my mom would go to her room and close the door. Her boy friend (my younger sisters dad) would be sitting in the front room with a robe on and nothing else. He would make his way to my room and pull me out the bed. Then he would play with my private parts using his tongue. This happened for at least a year. My mom later got another man and I thought that part of my life was over. It has been about 18 years now but it still effects my relationship with guys. To make matters worse my sisters just met back up with him. I always wondered if my mom knew. Why would she go to her room and close her door with her man in the front room with a robe on? Should I ask her?
I really think that if someone has not been through it they have no idea. And that they should not judge people that have been through it. I am sure that there are lots of people out there that have been through their own experience with sexual abuse or rape or molestation, however, they are not me, or you or anyone else, and nobody should judge how and what others should do with their own experience. When I met my husband, he was trying to put his hand down my pants and I was freaked out but couldn't tell him why... and finally one day he was trying to put his fingers inside me and make me have an orgasm and told me mine felt different, and I got mad and made him stop, and didn't talk about it for a long time, but finally I told him why it was like that and why it was different, and telling him didn't make me feel better, it made him feel better but not me. Anyhow my point of all this is that every single one of us has our own experience, and our own way of dealing and our own feelings, so for some women, or girls telling empowers them, and that is what makes them feel better. For me, it is trying like hell to forget that crappy part of my life, and trying like hell to keep it from ruining me now.
Good luck to you with your experience and whatever is making like work best for you.
Good luck to you with your experience and whatever is making like work best for you.
I totally agree with you I get sick of the survivors being blamed for not speaking out.I'd love to know if those that blame have been through the not understanding and then trauma of abuse.We were puppets in the hands of warped adults,yet now as adults ourselves we still get judged for what we did or didn't do.It's been 40 yrs since my brother and his friend abused me,I have not told any of the authorities,I have no proof,no evidence It's my word against his-My own parents didn't believe me because they asked him and he said it never happened,so they in their infinite wisdom decided that I was having false memories.So tell me how a jury would believe me. Denise
I was raped by a 14 year old relative when I was 3, there are forever "scars" that are both physical and emotional. I have never told, this man is actually metally ill and was left by my drunk father and uncle to babysit me. Nobody ever noticed the blood or anything and it was pretty much healed by the time I went back to my mother. I always thought I was over it, and that I am fine, however, it affects my life everyday. My children are never left alone, I never put them in a situation that could harm them. I grew up with fairly absent parents and therefore was subjected to years of sexual abuse by different offenders, so I make sure that my children will never go through any of this.
I told my mother about an uncle that molested me when I was 9 and she called me a liar (I was 13 when I told her, and had tried to commit suicide - not the first time but the first time I was close to succeeding), she told me that I should never say stuff like that about people and that I must have done something to provoke or clearly I misunderstood what was really happening. I would never tell again. I understand why people don't tell because look at what happens to those who try to be strong and tell. I don't consider myself a victim of abuse, I know it wasn't my fault. I consider it a lesson that I learned and because I learned it, it saves my children from ever going through that.
I am sorry JMarieH, but I can't see how she would not know, and I don't know that I see a point in asking her now. I would make sure that I kept my children and any other children close to you away from this pervert. I am sure most people wouldn't agree with me, but why should you be the one to save everyone, that is what their parents are for.
good luck with whatever you decide to do... You are far from alone in the not telling area.
I told my mother about an uncle that molested me when I was 9 and she called me a liar (I was 13 when I told her, and had tried to commit suicide - not the first time but the first time I was close to succeeding), she told me that I should never say stuff like that about people and that I must have done something to provoke or clearly I misunderstood what was really happening. I would never tell again. I understand why people don't tell because look at what happens to those who try to be strong and tell. I don't consider myself a victim of abuse, I know it wasn't my fault. I consider it a lesson that I learned and because I learned it, it saves my children from ever going through that.
I am sorry JMarieH, but I can't see how she would not know, and I don't know that I see a point in asking her now. I would make sure that I kept my children and any other children close to you away from this pervert. I am sure most people wouldn't agree with me, but why should you be the one to save everyone, that is what their parents are for.
good luck with whatever you decide to do... You are far from alone in the not telling area.
Why would anyone say "you should have told"
Or
"this is what happens when you dont speak out "
What truly ignorant statements. Sorry but it has to be said.
Grown women don't tell ! So how would a child.
It was a complete violation.
Get real or educate yourselves
Or
"this is what happens when you dont speak out "
What truly ignorant statements. Sorry but it has to be said.
Grown women don't tell ! So how would a child.
It was a complete violation.
Get real or educate yourselves
Maybe your mother knew but pretended to herself that she didn't. Or, even worse, she was complicit.
I know of a case where a father had incestuous relations with his young daughter. When the scandal broke, the mother obtained a divorce. Knowing the family I always felt that the mother knew, but did not want to alter the life style a divorce would bring.
I know of a case where a father had incestuous relations with his young daughter. When the scandal broke, the mother obtained a divorce. Knowing the family I always felt that the mother knew, but did not want to alter the life style a divorce would bring.
Think before blaming
In counselling today we went to my special place where I can now be with the 7 yr old.It's amazing how the mind works,I was partly right in my thinking I enjoyed the abuse at first it was horrible and painful but in the end you have no control over your sexual feelings when your regularly been stimulated.There were times when my brothers mate joined in it seemed I was like a ragdoll someone for them to (practice on) But when someone is intent on stimulating you with oral sex,fingering and after a lot of preparation sex, eventually when it doesn't hurt any more you can't control what happens,especially if you don't fully understand what's happening.So yes there was some enjoyment if you put it that way,It's hard to admit you'd think how could you,but they're the facts.But I now I still love my little girl who had the control of her body taken away.
In counselling today we went to my special place where I can now be with the 7 yr old.It's amazing how the mind works,I was partly right in my thinking I enjoyed the abuse at first it was horrible and painful but in the end you have no control over your sexual feelings when your regularly been stimulated.There were times when my brothers mate joined in it seemed I was like a ragdoll someone for them to (practice on) But when someone is intent on stimulating you with oral sex,fingering and after a lot of preparation sex, eventually when it doesn't hurt any more you can't control what happens,especially if you don't fully understand what's happening.So yes there was some enjoyment if you put it that way,It's hard to admit you'd think how could you,but they're the facts.But I now I still love my little girl who had the control of her body taken away.
Here are some of the issues with molestation and why children don't tell----- first they are kids. They know it is wrong but they have very manipulative adults telling them otherwise. There may be a subliminal message from the parent that is to protect them such as her mother---- who in her eyes, walked away so this could happen (again, not stated, but what she observed with a child's mind). The other part of molestation that isn't spoken of often is that it feels good. Awakening sexual feelings in a child happens---- and how confusing would that be. No No No---- I am not saying that they like it or want it to happen----- but the whole thing creates much guilt in a child. "it kind of feels good, I know it shouldn't, I hate myself for that". If her mother was volatile, she could have been afraid of the reaction in general from mom if she told then. And kids don't think long term . . . they aren't thinking of the next victem after he is done with them. Most kids don't see that big picture. So many don't end up telling until they are older and see what happened to them through adult eyes.
In reading your statements, I detected some blaming the victim here. I just want to say that I never told a soul after my mother just blew me off when I told her. I was just a kid then and the abuse went on into early adulthood.. Later on the perp. would try to tell me about his exploits on other girls. I had to break off all communication period. I never breathed a word about my abuse to even my husband because I thought it was all my fault and I was deeply ashamed. When I told him I thought he would throw me out of the house and divorce me and take our children. What I suffered from was, and still is, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our legal system imposes statutes of limitations for reporting perps, and not a whole lot of girls or women are mentally stable enough to report anything about their abuse, much less have to go through all the details again and wonder if they are going to be blown off.
Before you even question the integrity of victims, you had better have walked the miles in her shoes.
Before you even question the integrity of victims, you had better have walked the miles in her shoes.
you are a big girl now. and i would also tell him what a fithy minded and nutty person he is and just how i felt, i would also ask him how many others he has molested i am glad that you are getting help, but remember it was not your fault and you were in no way to blame luck jo you will be surprised just to tell him what you think and get it out of your systym and get on with your life and leave the no good behind jo
Thanks everyone for your support. I tried to delete it out of my mind for so long. My sister just meet him since he left 16-17 years ago and when I found that out, I had a panic attack. I am talking to a therapist about it. I never thought I could have caused this to happen to others girls. I feel so bad about that. I do plan on talking to my mom about this.
Narla, I'm not blaming her at all, I'm suggesting she report him immediately so no one else has to go through what she went through.
Everyone understands that children have no context in life to understand how abnormal this is, and no real way to seek help because they don't understand it.
By the math she's 29. Her post doesn't even seem that she's considering reporting him to the police - and meanwhile, surely this abuse is continuing to other little girls.
It's time to tell the police, and not wait another minute.
Everyone understands that children have no context in life to understand how abnormal this is, and no real way to seek help because they don't understand it.
By the math she's 29. Her post doesn't even seem that she's considering reporting him to the police - and meanwhile, surely this abuse is continuing to other little girls.
It's time to tell the police, and not wait another minute.
It took me nearly 20 yrs to tell my parents about my brother when I did it was swept under the carpet and never spoke of again,There is confusion and fear and lack of fully understanding whats happening at the time of the abuse.Then you get to your teens and realise exactly what happened and you don't think anyone will believe you.My father lives with us and still talks to my brother,so sometimes you can't even trust your own parents.It seems like your blaming her if this jerk molested other girls.So unfair.
I agree with Jo and Margy, I think. I think you should confront your mother, but also I'm concerned why you didn't tell your mother much before this - and I'm not only asking you but asking about the relationship between you and your mother. It's been nearly 20 years, and God knows how many girls this man has molested while you didn't mention what happened to you.
I doubt your Mom knew, but she definatly was lax in letting him sit around like that ...so I think you should ask her ,it will be good for you to get it out there ..let us know if you do and what ensued ...Good Luck
This is the problem when folks dont speak out, they do go on to abuse other children,now it was NOT your fault it is never the childs fault and I do know many of the abusers threaten and coerce their victims, so its understandable you said nothing then, now you are an adult you can tell...it will make you feel better , you have come here to tell us, take it that step further and tell your family .and anyone else you feel you should ....
you should have asked your mother then or told her or someon since you chose not to just ask her now if she knew if she knew ask her why she let it happen, and then if she knew tell her what you think and just how you feel also tall your other kin about it also confront him and tell him just what you think of him and let that steam off your chest it will help a lot go right to him also tell anyone that knows him what a filthy person he is he may do this to others luck jo
You could ask your mother but, 1 she may not have known. 2 if she did know she might not admit it. So you need to be prepared for whatever she says and how she reacts.Was your sister abused at all and have you ever spoken to her about your abuse.Once again be prepared for a negative reaction if she wasn't abused by him,I was abused by my brother who was 10 yrs older than me from ages 7 to 10 he never touched my sister when I told her she just said well he never touched me and I love him.So be ready before you ask,that doesn't mean don't ask.Good Luck
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