I'm so sad...I can't fix him...

[medicmommy]

My husband has been verbally abusive with horrible anger outbursts for a long time, worse in recent years. He suffers from depression, and at times I really wonder if his mental issues are even deeper. A few weeks ago, we finally had the "big one" where I became frightened for my safety, and I had finally had enough. I had reached the point of second-guessing myself, my self-esteem was barely existent, I was afraid to make decisions, and I was tired of walking on eggshells around him and having every breathing moment worrying about if I was going to do something that would make him mad.
I began going to counseling and am rebuilding my assertiveness and self-esteem. I have come to realize that I'm living my life as a battered spouse and I have reached the point of deciding whether I should stay or go. I have been with this man for 24 years, and we still love each other, but I'm not sure our marriage is going to last much longer as I refuse to continue living like this any more. I have not only myself to think about, but also my 12 year old daughter. I can fix me, but I can't fix him...And I'm not sure he is ever going to see the root of the problem...

[medicmommy]

Thank you for your feedback. Somewhere in all of this I found my backbone again, and along with it my self esteem is returning. I finally had enough and stood my ground. My husband did not know what to make of it. I told him that I refused to live like the way we had been and that I would rather live in a tent without anything that continue on the same way. And I meant it. Each time after that that he would start up again with verbally abusive remarks, I told him to stop. I told him that I was not going to let us set an example for our daughter that being treated like this by a man was okay. I told him that I would not listen to him unless he spoke to me in a respectful manner. I told him that I refused to have sex with him any longer out of guilt or "wifely duty" and it was okay for me to say no once in a while without him having a temper tantrum about it.
I stopped explaining myself and making excuses for his behavior to others. I've also began to see that I was being an emotional prostitute -always giving 110% of myself to others, but not feeling deserving of getting it back.
In this last week, my husband treads carefully around me. He has not yelled at or threatened me. I think this feels strange but "right" to both of us. I think he is trying to decide whether or not he likes this new person. I don't really care if he does or not. I'm not changing back.  -By the way, he decided to seek counseling for controlling his anger -I didn't have any part in his decision....It is still too early to tell, but I am hopeful it is not too late to turn this around. Thanks everyone for making me see things a bit clearer and for giving me the strength to stop making excuses and to do something to change this toxicity in my life. :) ~MM

[AnnieBrooke]

A 12-year-old who has been exposed to a man's toxic temper for years and not seen her mother have the spine to say "I deserve better" and walk away, is going to carry baggage into her relationships.  Get out of there before she turns 13.  No ultimatums of "counseling or else," just go.  If he gives a darn, he can fix himself when you're gone and you two can reconcile.  *(I doubt it, but it's [slightly] possible.)  But your daughter, at this age she is a sponge.  Don't let *her* come away thinking it is acceptable or female to be abused.  She'll be years and years erasing this message.  Please move fast for her sake.

[cheshchesh819]

he dont just need marriage counceling he needs anger management,i dont think he will ever change and if he dont want to get help there is nothing you can do to help him,i know he has been a big part of you for so long,but please realise there is a whole world out there,you do not and should not have to live on the edge all the time.

[margypops]

I do think that as you stated you feel afraid  that is abuse as you say yourself you are a battered wife .,this is what happens you stay in denial ,he wont change unless he gets help .

[medicmommy]

Thanks. I am so aware of what my daughter sees and I worry about what is in her head. Although my husband doesn't hit me, his temper is explosive and he says very toxic, mean things.Even when he isn't screaming obscenities and cyclic statements at me, his anger is boiling just below the surface. This isn't healthy for anyone. I think I'd rather be hit -at least he could see the injuries he's causing. I have made it to him clear that, unless we begin marriage counseling immediately, I'm done. Even then, it isn't a sure thing. I will not live the rest of my life living in trepidation of what he'll do next, nor should my daughter. Our marriage vow says "to love in sickness and in health", but the "to love" part has been broken, on his end. This certainly isn't love...

[margypops]

Its a good thing that you are thinking of your daughter , if she has seen you battered by him it will affect her life, so definately get away from him ,you cant help him he has to help himself, maybe he doesn't want to ......good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Your poor daughter, and poor you.  It's not easy to walk away, but think of the relationships she will have if she patterns her life on you and your husband.  Good luck, I think you can do it.