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Intimacy Issues/Childhood abuse
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Intimacy Issues/Childhood abuse

I have a question.

I was trying to figure out if I have aspergers or if I suffer from long term effects of abuse.

I grew up in a militant christian home where you are to be seen not heard, you didnt have a voice it was whatever my dads opinion was we had to agree even if we didnt agree. He would pull down our pants and spank us and make us hug him and kiss him and say that we loved him. He did this until my sister at the age of 12 kicked him in the nuts when she fell down when he was chasing her up the stairs.

I remember me always having an opinion and it was always different from my fathers, and instead of him embracing   or listening to my opinions I was yelled at, slapped across the face and told to say yes sir whenever I answered.

He would force us to hug him all the time and I didnt want to be touched. He would do it alot in front of people to show what a great dad he was.  He would also tickle us and I remember crying all the time to stop and he would never stop. He did not respect my boundaries.

Cut to the point, went to a private school for like 8 yrs where the principal did the same spanking routine to me as well as the belt as my dad did so I didnt think it was wrong, just that I was bad and I deserved it. When I moved to a public school in grade 6 I started to realize the first day that what I had experienced was wrong and that is what I feel led me down to the path of destruction.

I was forced to have sex with a 19yr old when I was 14. I told him no but he didnt stop and I didnt feel I could tell anyone and that I thought that is the way sex was supposed to be. After that every boyfriend I had forced me to have sex and I did because I wanted someone to love me and except me but that was far from what happened.

Now I am married and I can barely let my husband touch me. He grabbed me the other day from behind and I lost it, I mean lost it. I told him to stop three times and he wouldnt so I got really upset. He than said what you dont even want to hug me what is your problem?  I am not sure I react this way. I hate being touched period even by my own daughter. I try hard to get past the anxiety and panic of it all but I cant.

I am sensitive to touch, and sound the most.

I feel that I have gotten past what has happened to me and that I am lucky to have my husband as he is really an amazing person but I really feel like there is something wrong with me. I even feel that something more happened when I was younger and I am not sure if I am blocking it out because since I was a baby I never wanted to be touched or held. There are so many pictures of me pulling away and I dont understand why. Both my sisters are touchy touchy people. What happened to me?
9 Comments Post a Comment
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535822_tn?1389452880
Reading your post it sounds like it may be memories of the abuse ,and you did have a tough childhood..Have you considered any counseling I know it can be expensive but I hear its very helpful to folks who have suffered abuse.Sad ..we see it all the time here,no  child  should suffer in that way ..they do say that the abuser possibly had been abused themselves. . As far as your husband I would venture to say you also need help in that area ,as it may put a good marriage at risk , they will only stand being pushed away for so long , what happened was not your fault ,you were a child .locked into a situation ., i feel you need to forgive your self, although you did nt do anything ,it still can cause guilt that it happened.Remember this is the man you love not the nasty idiot who forced himself upon you .Hope you can get help and get through this you deserve to ...good luck
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you've got both - you had a rough childhood,  and you have an aversion to being touched due to some kind of sensory difficulties.   It sounds like you were born with an aversion to physical stimulation and physical touch,  and went on to have a difficult military upbringing.

I would guess,  having grown up in the military also,  that about 75% of kids who grew up on military bases would say their childhood was identical to yours.   I was always astounded to find families with dads who were pleasant to be around,  and who the children sought out.    Most of the dads you avoided at all cost.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I grew up the same way, pulling away in pictures, forced to kiss and hug an abusive father, we actually had to laugh out loud after he was done with his barbarianisms. I think that you need therapy to get past this. I know that it can be expensive, but what possibly could be more important to budget for than the health of your marriage? My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
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136956_tn?1363091289
Unfortunately with my he doesnt believe he has done anything wrong. "Spare the rod spoil the child syndrome" Beat your kid so they hate you that was what he did. There will never be any laughing about it :(

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136956_tn?1363091289
Growing up my friends feared my dad however other adults seemed to love him. I think he painted a great family picture to everyone and maybe even believed it himself and he would just spew out lie after lie.

He was a bus driver for 30yrs and he knew all of his passengers birthdays but didnt know ours. He never did like children and doesnt even talk to my daughter unless he forces a hug from her as well. I dont like that. I dont need him starting the cycle with that crap with her. When she was 2 he grabbed her and was tickling her and wouldnt let her go and she was crying. I told him to put her down and if he didnt my daughter wouldnt be coming over ever again.

He was very controlling growing up and I think that I have control issues when it comes to anxiety and my eating disorder. I know I can control these things and I think that is why I have issues because I dont want anyone to control me anymore.

I think most of it stems from my dad to be honest. The sexual abuse is just another thing that made me just not trust men in general. I had a hard time being a teenager with no guidance and talking about feelings.

We did not talk about feelings it was pretty much not allowed. My parents were see no evil hear no evil. As long as we didnt embarass them in anyways carry on with your life.

I cant afford a therapist they are too much money and the group sessions they do have are during the day and I work. So unless the government starts putting money towards mental health I wont be able to get any help.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Ticked,  check out "Bad Childhood,  Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  I think it would help you.

Best wishes.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Tickled, I went to a FREE weekly group that dealt very well with dysfunctional families. I see that you're in Mississauga, and the meeting I'm talking about is in Toronto. The group is a faction of Alcoholics Anonymous, but the title of the group is Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional families. It really helped me to go, at the time, the problem was constantly on my mind and I needed relief and found it by going to these meetings and going for coffee afterward. You may well find some kindred spirits here to help you now.

Here's the website for it.
http://www.york.ca/nr/yorklink/Agency.asp?AgencyID=112

I wish you the very best, and hope for your happiness.
Liz
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3060903_tn?1398568723
The laughing after the beatings were my dad's way of pretending that what just happened didn't happen. It was part of the psychological abuse :(
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Avatar_m_tn
I was sexually abused as a child and have a number of hardships in my life. My story is on my website as well as other encouraging words. I have now overcome those and I am a life coach. My heart goes out to you! Please know that you do not have to put up with this type of abuse. Just because it may be better than your past, does not mean you deserve it. As much as you may feel you don't deserve better, you do! You are a precious woman, beautiful and worth so much! After abuse we have to rewire our thoughts so that we can overcome the trauma of our memories and numbness.

If you need help please email me.
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