Is it me or her?

[Pierce24]

Hello, I'm new to this site and was hoping someone could help me.  I'm having trouble with my girlfriend who I've been with for almost a year.  I feel that we've struggled way too much for people to have been together in relatively a short time.  She is happy as ever (as far as I can tell)  but I've been struggling since the 5th month.  This passed summer I kept learning of all these hurtful things that she admitted to doing to me on purpose for her personal gain.  She spent a fair amount of time treating me like dirt, pretending to not realize it, only to admit that it was retaliation.  Early in our relationship she confessed that she was in love with me.  I told her I felt the same way, when honestly I wasn't sure.  This being my first relationship.  A few days later she started commenting on what kind of father and husband I'd be in the future (not necessarily towards her but in general?).  So I talked with her and said that we needed to slow down that I felt she was a bit over-eager.  She asked me if my "I love you" was forced.  I explained that it wasn't forced but I was not completely sure of how I felt.  This happened last January.  Thats what she claimed retaliation.  I know it was the wrong thing to do but I was confused and wasn't sure of how to handle things.  I keep assuming we're passed it but whenever she does anything that hurts MY feelings, she reminds me of how she let go of "the time you retracted your I love you."  She talks a lot about other men and how attractive they are.  I told her before how it makes me uncomfortable but it has yet to stop.  She admitted before to doing things like that to make me jealous to give her more attention.  She swears she doesn't do that anymore but I've caught her a number of times trying to spend time with other men in odd situations.  When I get suspicious and try talking to her, she never fails to turn it around on me and make it about my trust issues.  I don't think she's cheating on me with these guys but I don't think her jealousy games have stopped either.  I've tried ending the relationship twice and both times she reacted to the extreme.  The first time she drove to my house begging for another chance, the second time she became hysterical and started crying. Begging me to stay with her, she said she needs me in her life.  I guess my question is if I'm in fact in an emotionally abusive relationship.  If I should get out of it, how do go about doing this, seeing as how both times previously failed.

[allmymarbles]

It's time to move on, Sonny. Your girlfriend sounds loke a nasty piece of work. You will fall in love again, and sooner than you think. But next time pick someone who is not so convoluted.

[kathy434]

Your mind and body are already telling you that you made the right decision.  It is very important to have good open relationship with that special other, the kind that makes you both feel happy to be there and respectful of each others needs and individualness, and opinions, and method of probloem solving that is not abusive to the other or to yourself.
It sounds like you will now be OK.  You have seen what you don't like, learned from it and know that life does get better afterward.  I am for every person looking within themselves after a relationship has finished, getting in touch with your feelings about it, learning from the types of issues that made you happy and that made you uneasy, or down right miserable.  Setting healthy boundaries, and allowing yourself to take the chance again with a new, caring, equal, and respectful person.
I think you will be fine, now this is over with.  Good luck.  K

[Pierce24]

Hey Kathy,

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.  You're son's story is very interesting since it doesn't sound too far from mine.  I have heard other stories that were all similar to this situation and most have said how it took at least 2 years to get out.  I guess I'm lucky and was able to end it at 11 months.  

Too early in the relationship, my ex would pressure me into telling her I love her, even after being hurt about it the first time.  Saying it wasn't a big deal and that I shouldn't have so many issues saying it.  Also trying to get me to move in with her after finding a potential job in her area, saying that she's five minutes away and I could stay with her (I didn't get the job).  NO ammount of attention was ever enough for her.  She even admitted that she played jealousy games to get my attention.  Stating that "It wasn't that you didn't give enough, I just wanted more".  She constantly blamed her behavior on her lifestyle and even went as far to blame it on an emotional reaction to birth control pills.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I had no energy.  My family and friends, have all pointed that out and how much more energetic I seem after the breakup.  Once again, talking with her about how tired I was gave little help, and her solution was for us to move in together.  Since that way we'd always be around each other.  I was always responsible for her feelings and nothing I said or did was enough but I was still expected to be there for her.  

I don't think she was ever physically abusive, although I had a sense that it was going to be headed in that direction fairly soon.  While telling me a story of the abuses her mother had done to her in the past, she actually smacked me on the cheek and pulled my hair as a demonstration.  It was light, but I still wasn't too happy and asked her to never do that again.  I felt that it was probably an attempt to do it and see if she could get away with it, but who knows at this point.

I guess what I'm getting at is that this last week and half has been stress free and I feel lucky I'm out of it right now.  After hearing your son's story, Kathy, I realize how clean I got away and how much worse it could have been had I waited another 11 months.

[kathy434]

Hi Pierce,

My son got tangled up with a physical beauty that knocked him off his feet and put all his buddies into salivating awe.

Well miss beauty turned out to be a total psycho.  I have worked in Domestic Violence Crisis for many years, and when he was discribing her, their relationship, his feelings, I was seeing "red flags" flying up right and left.  I wanted to tell him to not walk, but run, in the opposite direction and as far from her as the universe allowed.  But I kept my mouth shut, listened and allowed him to live his life.

Too quickly they moved into an apartment together.  Then he started seeing her behavior develop into something not so nice.  She wanted his TOTAL attention to all her needs, wishes and wants.  Even at the wedding of his brother, she did her best to turn everything to center on her.  She became mentally cruel, stepped outside their relationship, and started to become physically abusive.  Knowing both their employment backgrounds, I knew her next move would be to ruin him in the line of work he does and loves and is very good at.  And I was right.  Only she didn't succeed with this.

Then he started calling me about the situation as it was progressively deteriorating into a scarey situation.  It took a long time for me as well as his friends, and coworkers, to make him realize the danger he was now in and the fact that he needed to get out immediately.  Friends offered their homes for him to stay in for as long as he needed.

Eventually he realized this relationship was not going to improve, no matter what.  He made the break and returned to his former living arrangement.  She continued to persue him, even telling him she was pregnant.  He refused to get back with her.  They communicated via email regarding their jobs, but nothing more.  He was really "stung" by this experience.  She still sends him a XMas card.  I told him to under no circumstances respond or give her any ounce of encouragement.  And the pregnancy, well it too was a lie.

Had that woman brought harm or death to my son, she would never know another woman who could take her on so relentless and thorough as this Boldface Hornet.  I would have made her wish she had never been born, and since she was, that she looked forward to her demise.

After years of staying free of relationships, he finally met a super nice woman with a child.  I have also met her parents and family.  They are all quality.  I told him that this one is a keeper.  I don't worry about him now.  He learned a valuable lesson, painful as it was.  Now he is enjoying a good relationship.

Pierce, I am glad you got out of your relationship.  You were dealing with an abusive woman.  Abusive prople are like cancers.  They will eat you alive until there is nothing left of you.  Then after, as they wipe their mouths, they announce that it was all your fault anyway, & they move on to their next victim.  They don't learn, nor do they improve.  Genuine love, kindness, respect, dignity, are just words to abusers.  They don't "get it".

You will meet a good woman in your future.  But you must first consider the type of relationship you want to have with a woman.  You must also develop healthy boundaries that nobody is to cross.  People will respect you when you draw the line.  I think you have drawn a line regarding that last relationship.  Now don't allow her to bother you anymore.  You have made your choice, and that is that.  Good for you.     K

[Lou0309]

Hey Pierce,

I wish you luck, with your situation, I agree with imanaddict, you may need to make your self unavailable for a short while. Also can you trust yourself to not crumble if she turns up, and starts crying and begging. You need to be strong... Our thoughts are with you...

[Pierce24]

I've already thought of that outcome and am praying that she doesn't resort to that.  I don't see how it would be possible for me to have gotten her pregnant seeing as how careful I always was with her (knock on wood).  I was actually to the point of being slightly neurotic, for the reason you just explained.  I didn't think she'd be that kind of person but I wasn't taking chances.  I'll look around to see how to handle myself in that situation should it arise, but any advice offered will be welcomed.

[imanaddict]

If this girl is as bad as you say, you can probably expect a "I'm pregnant" phone call soon. That old song and dance has been played out by many a psycho girl forever now. I know her type, and with all the games and manipulation she's pulled, you may want to be prepared. There are TONS of this type of thing all over medhelp, so if it does happen, look it up for all the advice given.

I wish you the best!

[Pierce24]

I ended it.  Thank you for your help.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I can't truthfully say I don't feel regrets because I feel that it's my fault things didn't go well.  Feeling the way I do for her and ending the relationship because I knew it would be best for us is not something I can cope with easily.  Part of me is feeling like I could've tried harder or been more understanding.  At the same time I wasn't getting anywhere to help her.  Right now I'm trying to get by and deal with the fact that things will be different knowing that I won't be around her anymore.

[teko]

You always feeling like you are on eggshells is a very good description of being with someone who is mentally explosive.  First you need to decide what it is that you want. Then you have to take the steps to see if what you want is even attainable or simply a fantasy inside your head somewhere. First I would recommend walking from this relationship because it is drama where ever it leads, good or bad. If you do not feel like you want to leave the relationship then at least seek counseling to help you see what is real and what is not about this relationship. Personally, I do not see how it could be anything other than sad. Lots of us were abused as children. The difference is how we handle that information. Do we want to be a victim and use it to get what we want out of sympathy and someone feeling sorry for us, (like you do for her), or do we want to pick ourselves up, overcome it and be a better person and rise above it using that experience to help others as well.  I think you know the answer to that question.

[Pierce24]

Yep I see exactly how that works.  The games may also run deeper than that.  The more I talk to her about what bothers me, the more she plays innocent and misunderstood which in turn makes me look like the controlling one.  I try working through scenarios to end it and I never feel like I'm going to come out alright.  I feel like it'll be pointed at me and I'll be the bad guy or I'll regret my decision.  I generally just feel bad about everything because she has had a rough upbringing.  Her mother was very abusive (mostly emotional but also physical) and controlling.  She has also tried bringing that controlling element into my relationship.  I really care about this girl and would like it to work out, but at the same time I don't feel like this relationship is healthy for me because I always feel I'm on eggshells.  I would just tell her I don't think we're right for each other but from that will come the question "why not?", which I'm not sure what I'd say that wouldn't cause problems.  If I just tell her I'm not ready to be with someone for a commitment (the way jo929 recommended), she'll pretend to be ok with it as long as im with her (that's just speculation but it is likely).

[jo929]

I can see that you do want out of this relationship, also i do not feel that you nor she is ready for marriage, and their is only one way to get out of the relationship before she becomes pg, and that is to tell her flat out, you are not ready for marriage or a commitment, and leave,if she crys keep on walking if she calls hang up, if you listen to her she will put you on a guilt trip, so do not fall for it, as it is better to end it now, and move on as get married and be unhappy, do not meet with her or she will find some way to retaliate, It may not be easy to say, but the words must come from you  luck  jo

[teko]

She is definately immature and a game player. Does not take rejection well or for that matter anything she does not see as going her way!  Unless you want to live a life of games and retaliation and manipulation with tantrums in between, you better get out and mean it. Every single time you cave only makes it 10 times worse for when you really make it stick. You are not doing her any favors and the control factor seems to be working as you are stuck in a relationship you want out of but are afraid of her reaction and what she will do.  C how it works?