I just found out that this poster hasn't been around since December 24/ 2011, what a waste of time this has been..... PS when i see an old poster that i'm interested in discussing their plight i generally go their profile page and see if I cant' get a bite from them that way. Just a suggestion. I guess I just HATE wasting my gigabites. lol
I just realized that this is an old thread, oops, the poster probably isn't around. Hmmm
Hi, i'm sorry that you had such a terrible childhood. I think that parent's often disconnect once they are able to financially provide for their children. You mom grew up learning to be the way she is, as well as your father. I think the message that Mellissa gave you......"Ultimately you turning out different than her is not because she failed you but because you are an autonomous individual who has grown into who you are through your social environment, and surroundings as well as your own personal interests." You can talk to your mom and say that you would like to repair your relationship with counseling, which she will probably not take you up on, and then get on with your own life without her negativity. I think that any adult child can have a better life by talking about the abuse they've been apart of for so long, with a therapist. It was suggested above, as the best way of warding off any residual problems in your own life, that can negatively affect your life. After you put an end to the abuse, by getting co counseling, or choosing no to be around her, I' think you'll be better off. You said that your mom was okay with it, (facebook) and then asked you to "remove it", and that in itself, is not a bad reaction. She had time to think about it and decided for whatever reason that she didn't want it posted that anyone else was responsible for her kitchen. She is full of pride and quite possibly rigid on that point. But I see from this post a wounded inner child that needs to have reassurances. There is a group called ACOA. (Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families) that might really help you. It's free to join, and is a member based group that are able to open up with exactly the types of things that you've described. It allows you to talk about it (and you seem to need to) and you will get live support. I went, when I needed to talk about my childhood, and it helped a great deal. I made friends with a few of the people there, and we looked forward to going out for coffee one week a night together. Most children that come from abuse need to deal with it in therapy. It becomes a bit heavy to subject your family only to talking about these things, so you need another outlet IMO. Best of luck, sorry for the length (no, i'm not really) hahaaha
Here's the deal: First the most important thing to understand is that belive it or not, her behaviour is not about you. Anyone who would freak out at somebody for doing something nice for them is disfunctional behaviour. Clearly the kitchen cleaning hit some kind of insecurity with her. Given that you mentioned her values can be materialstic and she cares a lot about what her friends think, it would only make sense that appearances mean a lot to her. This also probably goes hand in hand with her incessant expectations from you to 'get it right' when you were growing up. She probably holds the same unrealistic expectations on herself, so therefor you not meeting those standards gets taken as a reflection on her parenting skills. As she seems to be highly insecure, she will put up a massive defence at the prospect of failure as a mother, and so that's where the abusive comes into play. God forbid she can be anything less than perfect so to acknowledge the possibility of failure is too much or her to handle. However what you need to underatand is that these feelings are so repressed that she is not even conscious she has them. Ultimately you turning out different than her is not because she failed you but because you are an autonomous individual who has grown into who you are through your social environment, and surroundings as well as your own personal interests. But in your mom's eyes she needed you to turn out just like her because she can't feel self worth without having that reassurance. Parents should love their children no matter what or how they turn out, not use them like that. But again she is probably mot conscious of any of it. I'm sorry you were treated this way. I was treated that way too. I am now in training as a counsellor and counselling does help make sense of things. Not only that but it helps you recognise where you may be bringing a lot of that past into your present with other relationships. The common outcome from situations like these develop into trust, abandonment and rejection issues which very much can coincide with low self esteem. All you can do now is surround yourself in supportive situations with people who care about you while you learn to focus on loving yourself, so that you can be strong and live your life in a way that does not involve the feelings of your past into your present circumstance. Seems like you are on the right track by dealing with these feelings you have. It may take a long time and you may have to deal with them in various ways, but once they are dealt with then you will move on. You just need to believe you can and it'll happen. If you don't deal with your feelings about this then there is a danger in some of the same patterns repeating themselves in your future, perhaps with your own kids (although maybe not nearly as bad). It is very common for this to happen. Counselling really helps! Always keep yourself alert when you around someone who can 'never' be wrong. Those are the ones who have a lot to protect and will hold their guard up so tight it may be at the expense of others- even their own kids! Xx
Here's the deal: First the most important thing to understand is that belive it or not, her behaviour is not about you. Anyone who would freak out at somebody for doing something nice for them is disfunctional behaviour. Clearly the kitchen cleaning hit some kind of insecurity with her. Given that you mentioned her values can be materialstic and she cares a lot about what her friends think, it would only make sense that appearances mean a lot to her. This also probably goes hand in hand with her incessant expectations from you to 'get it right' when you were growing up. She probably holds the same unrealistic expectations on herself, so therefor you not meeting those standards gets taken as a reflection on her parenting skills. As she seems to be highly insecure, she will put up a massive defence at the prospect of failure as a mother, and so that's where the abusive comes into play. God forbid she can be anything less than perfect so to acknowledge the possibility of failure is too much or her to handle. However what you need to underatand is that these feelings are so repressed that she is not even conscious she has them. Ultimately you turning out different than her is not because she failed you but because you are an autonomous individual who has grown into who you are through your social environment, and surroundings as well as your own personal interests. But in your mom's eyes she needed you to turn out just like her because she can't feel self worth without having that reassurance. Parents should love their children no matter what or how they turn out, not use them like that. But again she is probably mot conscious of any of it. I'm sorry you were treated this way. I was treated that way too. I am now in training as a counsellor and counselling does help make sense of things. Not only that but it helps you recognise where you may be bringing a lot of that past into your present with other relationships. The common outcome from situations like these develop into trust, abandonment and rejection issues which very much can coincide with low self esteem. All you can do now is surround yourself in supportive situations with people who care about you while you learn to focus on loving yourself, so that you can be strong and live your life in a way that does not involve the feelings of your past into your present circumstance. Seems like you are on the right track by dealing with these feelings you have. It may take a long time and you may have to deal with them in various ways, but once they are dealt with then you will move on. You just need to believe you can and it'll happen. If you don't deal with your feelings about this then there is a danger in some of the same patterns repeating themselves in your future, perhaps with your own kids (although maybe not nearly as bad). It is very common for this to happen. Counselling really helps! Always keep yourself alert when you around someone who can 'never' be wrong. Those are the ones who have a lot to protect and will hold their guard up so tight it may be at the expense of others- even their own kids! Xx
HI There
I think the best thing you can do is go get some help from a therapist.
You have a lot of Deep wounds. you have a lot of hurt inside your heart.
It doesn't matter if the abuse happened in the past its happened and it's left a huge scar on you. You may not think so because you may have blocked it out. but that's all still deep inside of you. The reason you went and looked in your old journals is because something inside of you knew something was not right. It's hard to admit to yourself that your own mother did wrong because it's hard and it hurts to admit it. But when you get it all out and you heal you will feel strong and confident. We all still have a child in us . and that little child was hurt and then we grow up and sometimes block that child out because we think to ourselves "well I'm grown up now". we need to be a our own parent to that child and stand up for him or her. It's time. stand up for that little girl. Stand up for yourself for now on. Don't let anyone push you around, not even your own mother. She may not like it but it's the only way you will get healthy. next time your in the middle of steaming water or whatever it may be and she yells your name out. keep doing what your doing. when you get to her you'll get to her. if she comes to you pissed off just say calmly" I'm in the middle of something I'll be with you in a minute". if she gets mad just say "I'm sorry You feel that way but I'm not sorry I didn't come". if it's gets worse Leave. Keep that up but Don't ever say Sorry or be sorry over something like that. soon enough your mother will realize your not going to take anymore abuse. and she will stop. as I'm writing you this I'm also writing to myself I know what your going though. and when people tell you "to get over it" or whatever negative thing they have to say just know they don't know what you went through or are going through. or they haven't dealt with there own problems yet. Your going to be ok. Don't be a victim anymore. Be a survivor. take care of yourself ok. Wish you the best. -Jacqueline
**** off ya mean *****. get out of here.
Black rose, you worry me with your comments to people in pain. Here you even admit to not reading the whole post- so without even reading the info offered you have the answers??????
Facebook is nothing more than a big trouble maker. You may enjoy baring your soul to the anonymous world about you, but other don't. If you hadn't indulged yourself on Facebook, you would have finished the job in your mother's kitchen, hopefully to her delight.
Thank you RockRose, I appreciate you explaining. And thanks for the apology. I know often things can be misinterpreted over the computer, text messages, etc.
Kendra, I'm sorry that I came off rude. I often come off rude on a computer screen, and I'm telling you the truth, NEVER in person. Never, truthfully, and I say the same things. It's in the delivery with a concerned look and a concerned voice rather than black and white words. But I do know that often here I come off rude.
Sammi, at this point it might be best to cut your losses and distance yourself from your mom. Since she had an abusive mother too, she just doesn't "get" it, and it seems like her presence in your life is toxic.
When you have children, if you choose to, you're going to want to find special friends - maybe older women - who can model loving mothering. It doesn't come naturally, it's a learned behavior and you haven't benefited from it. If you have sisters in law or cousins, dear friends, who are terrific mothers, watch what they do.
Best wishes.
And RockRose, I only said that because you clearly stated "I'm sorry, your post was so long, I kind of stopped after you said you posted on Facebook that you were cleaning out your Mother's house" from there, you were kind of rude in my humble opinion, and you didn't even comment on the real issue of why she even posted in the first place.
Sammi33, I also had an abusive mother. She is bipolar, ADD, and OCD. As a child, she would beat me and my sister if their was a spec if paper in the floor of our bedrooms. She was always up then down, ok one minute then screaming and hitting us the next. There is tons more examples I could give, but it would take all day. Fortunately she got help when I was 17 and is now on medication, but it has effected me to this day. I now have a 3 year old and I'm dead set on being the very best mother I can. I want her childhood to be the opposite of mine. I try to look at it positively, because now that I'm grown; I realize she was mentally ill, and now Im so thankful that she got help and we are now closer than ever and she is the best grandmother to my little girl. I actually went with her to several sessions at her psychiatrist. That also helped repair our severely damaged relationship. I know how it feels to be abused by your own mother, although our situations are different.. in some ways they are the same. I really hope you and your Mom can resolve your issues. Like I said, counseling may help. About the Facebook post, I see nothing wrong with it. You were just trying to help your Mom and it seems you put great effort into what you were doing for her, and just wanted her to acknowledge and appreciate what you done. That's understandable. Now, I can see if you had put something like "Cleaning out my Mom's nasty kitchen kitchen cabinets and fridge" that she would be offended and upset, but you did not put any such thing. You were just proud of what you accomplished and wanted her to be too, at least I assume. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you some of my story so you could see why I can relate to a degree. As I said, I really do wish you all the best. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me on here.
I wanted to clean the fridge and cabinets simply because I thought it needed to be done...it had obviously been let go for years and there was some evident repetitive buying that was honestly a bit worrying (My mother's father died of Alzheimer's.) But that could have been caused by the amount of stuff there already was that was getting buried and pushed to the back and forgotten.
Plus my mother obviously thought that I am a pig and can't keep a clean house.....she was telling my father that in the loudest voice possible while I was in the house the week before.
I thought that if my mother came back to the house in January and found that her kitchen had become so organized and she had room in the fridge and cabinets again she would be happy.
I have been trying to look at it every which way, but I believe that she was releasing her anger and stress on me, not simply disciplining me out of love. Simple discipline does not involve smacking on the face for looking confused, yelling and screaming insults literally at the top of her lungs 2 inches from their face and ears, and regularly telling them matter-of-factly that they have a horrible attitude and no personality, and they will never have any true friends, and that even if they marry their husband will divorce them in a year.
I don't ever recall them telling me to my face during my high school years that they loved me, believed in me, just wanted the best for me but were being a little harsh, were sorry for hitting me or screaming at me. The only praise I got was years later, on Facebook or Youtube where others were looking.
Sorry. I tend to be long-winded....I want everyone to understand the story I'm trying to tell....
Thank you everyone for reading and commenting.
ku111, Of course I would never think of screaming and yelling and being violent to my own child! I absolutely detest violence....(that isn't cartoon violence or video game violence) Watching a fistfight or boxing match makes me physically uncomfortable. I have never insulted someone like my mother insulted me. If I am angry at someone I simply tell them why but I never insult their person. ...anyway. you and Kendra...very insightful and good advice.
RockRose, I'm trying to look from all sides...My mother had an abusive mother, and her father only gave her the bare minimum to make sure she was fed and clothed, but no luxuries so she would have the money for later.
Let me be more specific about the facebook post....I merely said "We're cleaning out the fridge, Mom!" and then I said "Phase 2...cabinets." I posted a picture of the fridge all clean and shiny and she actually commented "Great job! It needed a good clean!" at first......then the next day she said "Remove please"
To kendradawn and ku, i had skimmed the post, just not read word for word and chose not to comment on the remainder of the post.
Sometimes, in parent or spousal relationships, a person only looks at one side, which I believe she is doing. Her mother sounds like a fanatic, and very into fashion and appearances and luxuries, and she is the polar opposite. That, in the most healthy parents, will cause stress. In an unhealthy parent, it will cause explosiveness.
At that point, you can dissociate from them as an adult.
It's very telling, and I think very helpful to point out the first part of her post where she appears blindsided and guiltless for posting that her mother's kitchen needed cleaning out. Taking her mother's personality as a whole, I think anyone here could predict that would set her off, and rightfully so.
And to call her mother's rightful rebuke the "last straw", IMHO, I think needs to be pointed out.
It's not being unsupportive to point out that maybe a more fair and balanced look at her relationship with her mother might be in order.
I was wondering why you had to clean your moms fridge out , and why it was your concern?I could understand she may not have liked it ...
This is only my opinion. I think it sounds like you probably were abused but in the BIG scheme of things we make choices in life. When we get on our own we can choose to repeat how we were raised or change it and do it better. I tell my kids all the time if they don't like something I have done then change it and make it better. I don't (for many reasons) do things like my parents and I can be mad or hurt or simply just change it. I have that right as an adult and need no ones approval. I love my parents and just accept them for who they are and don't go along with things that I don't want to. I can't fix others. I can only make myself the best I can be. I really would have been hurt with the facebook post. Just a thought. Be the bigger and better person.
As to Rock Rose- People come here for help and support. Sorry her post was so long to you but maybe she has never told anyone these things before. You had a choice to answer and to read the post.
RockRose maybe if you would have actually read her post before commenting, you may have understood and had a right to post a reply. Sammi33, in my book how your mother has treated you since you were a child until now is definitely abuse, and it has obviously affected you as a person. Im so sorry you had to grow up that way. Maybe it would help if you had some counseling. I wish I had more input than this, but I'm no psychiatrist. I wish you all the best.
I'm sorry, your post was so long I didn't read it all, I kind of stopped after you said you posted on your Facebook that you were cleaning out your mother's house.
It sounds to me like the animosity between you and your mother is mutual. I can't imagine posting on my Facebook page that I was cleaning out some specific person's kitchen.