If I cry over you now, It has to be for a REASON I decided was worth crying over....You are NO LONGER permitted to DEGRADE ME, DISRESPECT ME, OR TALK DOWN TO ME- NOR SHAKE A FIST IN ANGER at me. I've had enough, I've spent far to many years, trying to figure out "What the hell was wrong with me."
One day I was talking to you about problems with my own daughter, you looked at me so angry and pissed and said this to me and, I quote you word for word., "Anna,what makes you think you can control her any better than I controlled you?" Dad, that stumped me and left me pretty damned speechless. It hurt me to see such raw anger in your blood shot eyes.And for the first time in YEARS I saw some REAL EMOTION from you. I sat in silence and wondered to myself....Just how the hell does he think you MUST CONTROL another person?
You can NOT control me anymore. It stops here. When you said that to me, about my very own daughter. I thought about that for 3 days and truly couldn't see, how I was supposed to have CONTROL over one my own that way, teaching her to fear me instead of "showing her a better way". And that is when it dawned on me Dad, that you still had control over me. I still bawl and hurt and carry this anger.I have no respect for you, or the way that you think. I CAN NOT NOR I WILL EVER, teach my kids that kind of love.You have nearly ruined a once blind love,with all the malice and anger-the spent tears from me crying over you hasleft me empty and an emotional disaster!
I can still hear your voice, I SEE that look in your eyes. I remember your hands, all balled and fisted. Isn't that lame? I can't even recall what it's like to be hugged by you. I surely can't remember being soothed after a whipping! But you know what I remember MOST OF ALL? Those hateful -cold, hurtful words.
I will always hear them Dad, as if it were yesterday.The bruises healed up and they are gone away. A few scares remain-not that you know that, it's an emotional pain. They are wound tightly around an innocent child's heart, permanently rooted...in my 35 year old heart, From so long ago. It is still hurting and pounding, I'm not sure it will ever stop...
I hope you take this with you Daddy, Now and forever like I did AND STILL DO, EVERY ONE OF those mean nasty words. Try to remember how you never heard me scream back! And PLEASE.....STOP ASSUMING I'M ASHAMED OF ME and MYSELF! You were the very one who taught me,to never, no matter how much I hurt. SAY ANYTHING YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK! sorry doesn't fix it-not that you've ever tried (at least I don't recall seeing you cry- like me). I'm not GUILTY, I NEVER WAS.
Never once did I turn your malice around on you. I stood before you-too little and afraid. When I got older I did that the very same way. Well maybe by then, there was 1 slight difference...I KNEW I NEVER WANTED TO YOU HURT YOU THAT WAY. So instead I hung my head and took it all in. Up until 6 months ago, I even blamed myself dad. Strange don't you think....I'd never think it was okay, to talk to my kids and hurt them that way. But it was always okay for you to do this, it was the only way I knew.The way for me.I learned it all from being controlled by the best. How to hang my head down, accepting this mess. I will no longer be controlled,feeling guilty as hell! It's a little funny that when I was child, how could I ever have made you this angry.........NEVER not once did I back hand you,or speak out of anger and leave my mark on you.
I won't do this anymore, allowing you such control. It has to stop, there's not very many reasons to continue this fight! I have an urge controlling me, telling me to to walk away from this mess! To continue on with my life, for once being IN CONTROL of the way you impact me and affect my life.
Dad it's important to me that you know where I stand now.I still love you and need you, because you are my dad.. I will always miss you and want you to be part of my life. But I can't let you hurt me any more. I never want to see those "Mad As Hell Fire Red Eyes" turn on me-because STILL I am not good enough or you don't agree with me. There WILL NEVER be another emotionally charged thing come from your mouth that will ever REACH MY EARS AGAIN. Remember Dad, I'm in control of me.
I am afraid of really "feeling" and having to figure out, how to sort out this mess..
But I know where I have to start! I learned how to love me and nourish this heart that you nearly broke,and maybe just maybe, sometime-when you no longer have desires, to cuss me and degrade me, or raise your angry fists at me, we can start over again and make a new start.
And who knows Dad, maybe Next time around, I can teach you how to be a little ... MORE LIKE ME! Forgiving and loving...leading by example.
I don't know what you're hoping to accomplish with this, but it won't get a positive response.
You're absolutely kidding yourself when you say there will never be anything again he says that hurts you. Right here with this essay, offering it to him, you're going to be knocked right off your feet with his response. He will not write a tearful reply about how sorry he is. What he will say will, despite your statement to the contrary, hurt you again.
Sit down, with a pen and paper, and write a list of everyone who loves you very much and who supports you and trusts you and makes you feel elevated.
Put THAT list in a place in your closet where you can see it and add to it as needed, and hug all those people or write them a sweet email about how special they are.
And I meant to say, when you write the emails or say to your friends how special they are, make your compliment completely about them. "Thanks for being so special always, your smile lights up my day. See you soon" Rather than "Thank you for being one of the few people who support me. As you know, I've suffered a lot of abuse in my life and am struggling with my self-esteem".
In rereading that paragraph it sounds cold, but I really mean it in the warmest way. Think of how hearing the two different statements would make YOU feel, coming from a friend.
Best wishes. I wish you the best in walking away from the toxic relationship with your dad, but you're not ready yet. Your statement:
"Dad it's important to me that you know where I stand now.I still love you and need you, because you are my dad.. I will always miss you and want you to be part of my life. But I can't let you hurt me any more."
indicates that you're really hoping he'll apologize and everything will turn around. It won't.
But your life can be really rich, and joyful, and full. If you stop trying to win his approval.
You are wrong, I am sorry you feel that way. I took this to my dad, watched him read it-turned on my heels and WALKED AWAY. And for 6 months now (since I hand delivered this to him IN PERSON) there has been only peace in my heart!
Not everyone works that way, least of all me. I wouldnt ever recommend anyone leaving unsaid things between them and anyone (past or present) in their life.
when I go meet my maker, I go with NO REGRETS. I never once in my life said a hurtful thing to my abuser, more out of fear than anything else. And one day I It dawned on me, that I was IN CONTROL and I DECIDED I wouldn't ever be out of control again.
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE....shortly after I handled my situation the way I did, My older brother TOOK CONTROL of his life also, and put an end to the abuse as well.
I value your opinion, But on the other hand, it wasn't right for me. And I'd never recommend for people to NOT tell the one who abuses them what its done to them either..healing is important, unless you've been in the victims shoes you'd have no idea how important that is - TAKING A STAND AND LETTING THE ABUSE KNOW -HEY NO MORE, IM DONE, IM IN CONTROL AND U CANT EVER HURT ME AGAIN!
hello, agree with you !00% , i know the pain and hurt by someone you know , trust , and love someone whom is to protect you. not hurt and abuse you! I think the other few post were real off and especially the girl saying its the past get over it, but please honey make it sound as if he never really did much harm and after a while the abuser starts to remember and it soon, comes back on them.KARMA isa b....i admire your post, and understand the peace that fills out the anger and hurt
Well, Anna, I certainly wish you the best. I really was surprised to read that 6 months after watching your father read this heartfelt plea for a normal loving dad, you say "there has been only peace in my heart".
And yet you are here, posting this 6 months later in the form of a poll and asking people to rate whether you should have done this long ago etc., or all the above because you love you best.
I just don't sense peace, Anna. I sense great angst still is there, and you wrote this to try to prod him as best you know how into changing, which he won't do.
I don't know what to tell you further, I certainly have no magic pill that will heal you, I just don't think you're at peace and healed. I don't know if you can be.
But i do know, in people who can say to their abusers "Please don't contact me again, I'm sure you understand why" sound at peace. You're still, in my your heart (in my opinion) strategizing how to make him love you.
Best wishes. This is an interesting discussion, and i think everyone can feel your pain and I know often I come off as a cold know-it-all here on this board, but I am praying for peace for you.
I think the above user is completely wrong in everything she has said to you. I came from a very drunk abusive father myself, and I wrote my dad off many years ago, in a letter similar to the one you had wrote...I have been at peace with my choice and honestly never felt better in my life...I wish that my dad good be a father seeing as how he is not only missing out on me but on my children as well...But sometimes that's not how life is...My family noticed a change in me a happier one when I cut him out...He still tries to contact me from time to time, cutting me down calling me names, but now all I can do is laugh because I know that anything he says about is not true and I have proved that time and time again...Keep to your grounds and you will be fine :):) It takes a strong person and even stronger to look at them and say NO YOUR WRONG!
lil mama, I don't disagree with you a bit that she should completely cut her dad out of her life. Nobody needs that kind of grief.
I'm saying, what I'm reading in this letter is the exact opposite.
I sense in your post, you've grown a very tough scab over where your father once hurt you, and that scar is thick, and you've cut him out.
I just don't sense that with Anna's letter, especially the closing, with all my love and prayers.
Anna, I think I've been misunderstood. I totally agree with cutting abusers out - I just strongly sense from your letter that you haven't reached that point in your heart. He still holds a lot of power over you, in my opinion.
I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to sound rude, but I can' understand where everyone is coming from, I wrote that I loved my dad at the end of mine, because I I love my dad I mean he is my dad, but my father didn't have what it took to be a parent, so I cut him out, and I don't alow him to control mylife, it took me along time, but I did it with help from my family and having my children really opened my eyes... But I do agree with what you are saying I can understand why you feel that way as well...
sorry again I didn't mean to come off the way I did...
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