My mother is always putting me down, how can i make this stop?

I am 24 yrs old and the baby of the family. My mother for the past 5 years has only given me one compliment you have good grades. She is always helping my brothers and dotes on them. im not fat but im not skinny and my mother is a fanatic about apearences. ive lost 20lbs and all she can say is "thats it?" i love my mom but i havent been the perfect daughter to her all my life and what child is? im tired of being called fat, lazy, ugly and other nasty names by her. im a full time student and i have a full time job so i know im not lazy. I'm just very upset because last weekend she and I got into a tiff and i wanted to leave and then she grabbed me by the arm and hair tried to slap me across my face but i grabbed her arm to stop it. i told her she has no right to place a finger on me when i haven't been living there for 4 years nor am i financially supported by her. later that night i recieved an e-mail saying "here's to you kid, have a great life." why is she so cruel with me and not my brothers? And how can i make this stop?

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, sweetheart, you can't.  Nobody can change anyone else, all you can do is change the reaction you have to their spitefulness.  Right now, she's baiting you.  Don't be the fish.  I am so very sorry it's your mother.  But you are better off without one if that is what it takes, than always wanting her attention and hurting when you don't get it (or getting nothing good from the cruel or snotty attention she puts out to you).  

In your shoes, I would find a counselor (if you are in school, go to the counseling center) or therapist, and work some of this out.  You need to be able to detach from her c r ap.  There will be a grieving process, but remember, you are grieving for an idealized mom that you never had, not for the real mom you do have, who is a terrible mom to you.  

It is possible to have a good life.  You'll have to have it without your mom being a good mother.  Face that what she has done is awful, and your revenge to mend this is to do some serious work on you, so YOU can go on and have a good and successful life.  The worst thing she has done is to imbed in your psyche the idea of you are fat, lazy, ugly.  You will have to work hard now on yourself if you are not going to hear those names in your head all the rest of your life, on bad days.  Just don't hand your mother the "win" of hurting you so much that it goes down to your kids.  Break the cycle now so you can have much, much better relationships (with your spouse and your kids), later.  Having a happy life is the best way to get back at her for her tries to ruin your life and break your spirit.

Again, I'm so sorry.  This is not the way mothers are supposed to be.  But I think you can lift yourself up, as soon as you don't expect anything more from your mom besides grief.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, sweetheart, you can't.  Nobody can change anyone else, all you can do is change the reaction you have to their spitefulness.  Right now, she's baiting you.  Don't be the fish.  I am so very sorry it's your mother.  But you are better off without one if that is what it takes, than always wanting her attention and hurting when you don't get it (or getting nothing good from the cruel or snotty attention she puts out to you).  

In your shoes, I would find a counselor (if you are in school, go to the counseling center) or therapist, and work some of this out.  You need to be able to detach from her c r ap.  There will be a grieving process, but remember, you are grieving for an idealized mom that you never had, not for the real mom you do have, who is a terrible mom to you.  

It is possible to have a good life.  You'll have to have it without your mom being a good mother.  Face that what she has done is awful, and your revenge to mend this is to do some serious work on you, so YOU can go on and have a good and successful life.  The worst thing she has done is to imbed in your psyche the idea of you are fat, lazy, ugly.  You will have to work hard now on yourself if you are not going to hear those names in your head all the rest of your life, on bad days.  Just don't hand your mother the "win" of hurting you so much that it goes down to your kids.  Break the cycle now so you can have much, much better relationships (with your spouse and your kids), later.  Having a happy life is the best way to get back at her for her tries to ruin your life and break your spirit.

Again, I'm so sorry.  This is not the way mothers are supposed to be.  But I think you can lift yourself up, as soon as you don't expect anything more from your mom besides grief.

[sal3132]

you cant make this stop it has nothing to do with you as a person listen and listen well you have done nothing wrong and it is not your falt and no one deserves to be treated that way by a parent or any one else period.  that being said you seem to have done well despite the environment you grew up in and it is hard not to seek the approval of your parents but some times it is never gained it never will be it is not you it is her and you cant fix her so work on you and know if you are doing well and are a good person that is what matters so if she wants to behave in this manner stand up for you self and move on even if it is your mother you dont deserve to be abused and mistreated

[margypops]

It can only happen if you allow it to happen, it does sound as if you and she get into altercations and they escalate.It seems to me you would be better with a place of your own and visit with Mom , you say 'and what child is' its the same with moms and what mom is ' Her behavior does sound abusive but it also sounds like you do think a lot of each other so I feel pursuing a relationship is good, she should respect you .So get your own place and have a visiting relationship ..

[RockRose]

ashtori,  my guess is,  you could probably go back to her own life and find this behavior in her mother.  

If you really are being completely fair and have thought this through and believe your post is completely truthful and paints the true picture of your relationship,  it's time to cut the ties.  

She will not improve.  You will never have the loving mother daughter relationship you crave.

There are a lot of wonderful people in the world that will make your life full and enriched.  You just have to find them.  

Best wishes.