Nasty Mother Blues

[godschoosen94]

My mother gave me away to the Foster care system at birth.  Back when I was born in the 70's, your foster parents could not adopt you unless the custodial parent(s) gave up all of their rights.  My mother would never give up all her rights to me so my Foster parents had to allowed my biological mother periodic visits with me as I grew older.  My mother moved to another state when I was 5 and I would periodically go visit with her some summers or holidays in her new state.  

When I was born my mother was 19 years old.  She soon had another son...not even 18 months after I was born that she kept. My mother blames her mother as the reason for having to give me away to the Foster care system even though she was fully grown.  Anyway, when I would visit my mother in her new state she would never keep me but send me over to her sisters house until my visit was over.  Keep in mind that my Aunt had 8 other children in her home.  There were even times that I would visit with my mother during Christmas holidays and she would not even have a gift for me but she had gifts for my other siblings.  She now says that she never kept me when I would visit as a child because I never wanted to stay with her.  She always blame other folks and NEVER EVER take responsibility for her own actions. She even have my siblings believing to this day that it was my choice that I never stayed with her and that she gave whomever I lived with child support.  Really?!!  During one of my visit I was injured really badly when I was 9 years old and had to go to hospital while at my aunts house.  After I got out of the hospital....she picked me up and dropped me off to her other sister's house for duration of my visit.  I never received Christmas gifts, birthday gifts or anything from my mother.

Years later, I grew up to become successful, college educated and military retired.  Unfortunately, my siblings that my biological mother raised has been in and out of the prison system since their teen years.  I have tried to establish a relationship with her for the sake of my children.  I thought that since she was not a good mother to me that at least she can be a good grandmother to her grandchildren.  Well the cycle continues...she favors her grandkids and the favored grandkids are not my children of course.  She has my brother (who I will refer to as the golden child) that she thinks can do no wrong....although he is in and out of prison she goes around and tell these elaborate stories about how he doesn't deserve to be in prison and how wonderful he is.  But for me...she tells people all types of lies about me.  Every year I give her a birthday gift ....she tells relative that I didn't give her anything for her birthday.  Although she has never been a mother I still buy her Mother's Day gifts.....she lies and tells everyone that I didn't give her anything on this day as well.   When my brother needed help on his attorney fees....I gave hundreds of dollars....she tells people that she didn't have any help with my brother's legal fees.  She goes to other family members and tell them that I said things about them that I've never said and these family members never ask me if I said these horrible things but they go on to be mad with me for years.

I am now married...my mother keeps in contact with men from my past and tell them my business about my marriage.  When I've tried to talk to her about her behavior...she gets extremely verbally abusive and curses me out badly...calling me *******...you name it and then wishes death on me.  She has even told people that she has paid my way through college and that is why she is broke today.  This lady has never done anything for me in my life.  Even when I was in the military during the war she wouldn't even send me a care package.  She goes to family friends and make herself cry and everyone feels sorry for her. She believe her own lies.  My older aunts and uncles tell me that I should overlook her because she is my mother.  Everyone acts like being someone's mother give you a free pass to be nasty and disrespectful!  If she and I have a disagreement she calls everyone in the family and change the story....then she makes up lies to each person to try and get everyone to turn on me...even my brothers.  I am just over it!  There is no one in this family that will confront her about her behavior or that I can talk to.  Everything that you say in regards to our situation to any family members...it is taken back to her and my mother will make it out to be confusion.  She will be your best friend as long as you agree with everything that she does. Example of character:  She allowed her favorite 8 year old granddaughter (the daughter of her favorite son) to hold my niece's 3 month old baby.  The 8 year old dropped the baby and gave the baby a concussion.  The baby went to the hospital and is since doing well.  She told my niece that the baby rolled off the couch by himself and swore to god that was the truth.  She lies and twists everything!!

One of my brother's is known to be a tough guy in the city that we live....my mother starts confusion and get disrespectful with people in the streets.  When these people get disrespectful back with her she runs off and calls my brother over to beat up on these people.  She has never been married and I don't ever remember her having a real man in her life in over 25 years.  She will even get in your face and tell you that you told her things that you have never told her.  I can go on forever because you guys have not gotten half the story on her.   I have never seen anyone in my life that feels so entitled and yet undeserving.  Outside of my brother (the golden child)...she talks about everyone including her so called friends and coworkers. However, she goes out and plays the best mother in the world to strangers.  I have witnessed people sharing their secrets with her and soon as they leave she gets on her phone and tell everything!  I have NEVER seen someone like this in my life.  Do I have anyone out there who have dealt with this?

[Godisfaithful]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. But you stated for your children's sake you keep in contact with her. But for their sake, you should cut off ties from your biologically mother. You do need healing and I pray you allow God to give you that. But you are not obligated to have a relationship with her if she is causing you and your family so much grief. You can love her and want the best for her without being in contact with her. I pray for her also because this type of behavior may come from some type of pain she experience. Either way, she needs prayer. Finally, I know what it feels like to be an outsider with your family. Mine wasn't from my mother, but it came from her sisters and their children. To this day I don't know why they didn't like us (my siblings). Maybe because we were poor and they had nice homes and things. They always looked down on us like they were better. And my mother's mother treated us the same. She treated them better than us. None the less, I have forgiven them and pray they receive salvation.
Veronica

[Nighthawk61]

I agree with all comments. There is also a group called ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families that i went to for a spell. I just needed to talk about the abuse at that time and there were others who understood how I felt. It's free and nationwide. I found folks to have a coffee with after the group, that reinforced that I was not the only one, and that I was heard. Maybe it can help you too? . If I were you I would write down all that you feel, and send it by post to her, for closure. A therapist can help you do that, and stop the obsession. Please always remember to be grateful, that had she not turned you away, you might be in far worse shape. You could be a jail bird yourself, or mentally ill with all the negativity. You may never have found your forever home, and never have had children that were not there for the sole purpose of receiving your abuse.  We don't always get what we want, but it sounds like you got what you needed to have your current life. God bless your family, and always reach out if you need to talk. Liz

[AnnieBrooke]

The other thing to remember is that whether or not your mother was a terrible mother and whether or not she loves you, it means NOTHING about whether you are a good person and worthy of love.  Don't fall into the trap of feeling like you will not be complete until she comes around, or you are not a loveable person if this obviously damaged woman does not act towards you with love.  In a way, it's probably better that she is genuinely awful, because you can SEE she is an awful person, and that will enable you to break away more easily.  Don't waste one more moment trying to obtain some kind of re-do on your relationship, or on hers with your kids, it's throwing your energy down a hole that will never fill and was not worth your effort in the first place. (You want a horrible, unloving person like this to have a relationship with your kids?  WHY?  If she was not your relative, you would have run away from this toxic relationship years ago.)  Like allmy says, she is not your relative the way most people think of when they hear the word "mother;" she is an alien breed.

See a therapist if you can, it will help.  I have heard Dr. Laura's book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" is OK, and there are probably other self-help books directed towards children damaged by narcissistic or abusive parents.  If you can't get a counselor, at least start there.

Good luck.  

[allmymarbles]

You were abandoned and that will never change. Your mother doesn't love you and that will never change. You are wasting your time trying to change the past. Let it go. Your "mother" and all those connected with her are an alien breed. Walk away.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie,  and I wonder about your poor husband.

He must be sick and tired of dealing with your family's drama.  Embrace your husband,  your children,  and stop it with this crazy drama of trying to win your mother's favor.

Life passes quickly.  Yours is being ruined by focusing in the wrong direction.

[AnnieBrooke]

The question is, why are you dealing with it?  You should have cut the connection years ago.  Trying to heal your past with her by wishful thinking that she is suddenly going to be a good grandma is really you just projecting you would like her to repair how she treated you.  (My sister does this with my father.  She gets mad at him for being distant to her children, as a surrogate anger because she is really mad at him for his distance to her as a child.)

Don't waste your time, don't waste your children's hearts, get away, make the break.  I am sorry, but it is not good to hang out in longing that things will repair or be fair.  They never will, in this regard.  The sooner you decide that, the sooner you can make a real loving family with your friends and other relatives who are good people.