Need Help Moving Forward

[WantToBreakFree]

I'm 32 years old, female. I'm discovering now that I'm suffering from verbal or mental abuse from my mother. Let me explain.

I was always a pretty successful student; straight A's right into high school. I have 3 Bachelors degrees. I was the type of kid that followed rules. If my parents said be home at 10, I'd be home at 10. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I did what my parents expected of me.

The problem arises with my mother who told me such things as, I wish you weren't born, get out of here, it would be better if you weren't here, etc.  I remember this as earyl as 7 years old, when I got a beating.  This is common for my mother to say hurtful things; in fact she never attended my graduations or convocations...she always compares me to other people's children, making me feel that I'm not good enough....

I've finally realized how much her words have impacted my life.  As an adult, I feel anxiety at times and I just want to get aay from people, I haev lots of fears, that I'm not good enough or worthy.When she says these thins to me, I wish I weren't alive. I wish I could just die and not hear any of her words.  When I was 16, I tried to commit suicide.

When I was 19, I confronted my mother about how she has hurt me, how she only sees the negative and that her criticisms bother me. I told her that she never tells me she loves me...how much it hurts.  She responded by saying nothing...just giving me a blank stare.

Most of all, I need to get my life on track. I'm 32 and work online because I feel like hiding from the world. I have a somewhat successful business but I don't find it fulfilling. I need to find a teaching job but the whole idea of searching ofr a job and rejection scares me. I feel immobilized at times....

But I want to move forward.  I can't live my life being afraid and hiding...when I have so much potential.

Where do I start?

Thanks for reading.

[guessagain]

It's strange isn't it, when the way of life for us is to please our parent or parents. How at a young age it's ingrained so deeply in our minds. It doesn't matter how hurtful they are, we don't even know that our "selves" become so emotionally battered. The hurtful words only mean that we have to try harder, get better grades, accomplish more so we can hear the words of praise and acceptance that will never come. How hard we scramble, fight, and claw to pick up only the crumbs of self worth that we have been left with, and how hard we have to try and protect them, it's all we have and the risk of exposing it to anyone who might try and damage it further can be too much. I think it's ok to think about it as long as you don't dwell, understand it, it's been a life of programing, feel sorry for your mother for not knowing anything different, she has probably suffered too, she learned it from somebody. Do what you need to do to heal so you don't pass it on. Think about how much better you can be. Find a councilor you are comfortable with and tend to that child within, she needs you.    

[jo929]

yes i agree sometimes a parent can be cruel, i have seen many physical abused people, but some have managed to put it behind them and go on with their life, it seems that your mother still has the power to hurt you with words, and remember you had to take it when you lived with her, but now you are your own boss you can go to counceling or group therapy, and get on with your life or you can just keep thinking of the past, and the choice is yours, you have went on and got an education you did this on your own, so do not let the past bring you down, because you have a future, if you want it you are not a child anymore, so start by thinking positive thoughts, i myself did not have a good childhood, but i have overcome that, i decided that when i left home and that has been many many years ago, and i have raised 3 children, and i feel thati am just as good as anyone elsei decided that my mother was different, and she was like she was and she would not change, so move on and do not look back i am sorry that you have had these things happen, and there are a lot of people in the same boat, so try some group therapy, you will not be alone luck jo

[margypops]

Your Mom wasnt right she was hurtful and should never have said the things she did, if she is still saying them you need to tell her if she wishes to be a part of your life that she should stop it,you dont have to be around her ,make it plain you will not take it anymore.Stand up for your self ,you are worth it. You sound as if you are now a successful person, and it is within your power to make your all your life successful, it is now up to you, nothing to do with her, it is enpowering to take control , do not lay blame anymore accept what happened, determine it wont continue, get on with your life, do not bother with anyone who makes you feel bad . Good Luck I think you sound strong and a good life is ahead.