Lying, stealing mother--should I cut ties?

[dishatoid]

I am a 27 years old, and am the only child of my mother. Money was always tight growing up, but we made do. About 5 years ago, she had a boyfriend that emotionally abused her, and eventually stole all her money and put her in huge debt. Years later, once I was already married, she lost her house, cars, and has been living with friends for a while, and more recently at a Women's house.

I keep a long story relatively short, she has basically stolen all of her elderly mother's life savings, and steal's from anyone she can (purses, checks, whatever). I can't believe no one has pressed charges, but she is still doing it, and always denies it whenever questioned. I put her on my cell phone plan so she would stop asking my grandma for money for minutes, but she just ran up my minutes and I had to suspend the account.

I have this overwhelming guilt for not being able to do more to help her in the situation, but she takes advantage of everyone and what they do to her, and constantly makes me feel guilty about it. But then I feel like I'm enabling the situation, and just want to completely cut her off and out of my life.

I worry, because I know she's depressed, and I'm worried if I stop talking to her completely she will kill herself, since basically everyone in the family ignores her, but she needs to wake up and take some responsibility for her accounts and how she has lived her life recently.

It's terrible--I really want someone to just put her in jail...any input would be really appreciated.

[allmymarbles]

Your mother is apparently a hardened criminal - not big time, but a hardened criminal just the same. There is very little you can do about it because you cannot force her into any sort of rehabilitation. But staying by her side enables her to continue the live she lives.

I agree with the comment above that she has to hit rock bottom - and you have to let her do it. She might come around then ,and do something constructive. And she might not. It is time for you to think of yourself. Being around her will corrupt you. Move on. Alone.

[kenneltech]

Your post sent chills up my spine, I went through exactly what you are going through.  My advice, get as far away from your mother as you can because she will ruin your life until the day she dies.  That "guilt" crap is to get you to do what she wants, and she knows she can use it because you're her child. She is cruel and heartless and would you let a stranger treat you this way?  Then why would you let the supposed "loved ones" do this to you?

From your story, it sounds like she has learned nothing, as she keeps  losing things (her house, etc.,) and she never wll learn anything because she doesn't have to, she has you and whoever else she has brow beaten into submission with her "guilty" crap that will take care of her.

She needs to live on the streets for awhile and eat out of a garbage can, she needs to hit bottom real hard to realize what she is, then MAYBE she'll straighten up.  My mother FINALLY straightened up when I told her she was "DEAD" to me and her grandchild, and then I walked out and we never saw her for eight years.  You have to mean what you say.

Anyway, this relationship is toxic, there is NO REASON for your guilt, she is the mother, she should have figured this out, not lay a guilt trip on you (I still, to this day, feel enadequate, and that's what our "mothers" did to us).  This whole thing is a bunch of BS, and she needs to go out and get a real job and straighten up.  Good luck to you and be strong.

[chloe802]

That is a rough situation. I know she knows right from wrong because she raised you, who sounds like you got it together. It also sounds like she has to hit rock bottom. Whether it's jail, tough love (cutting all ties) etc. She is a grown woman that needs to start from square one. Have you 2 ever sat down with pen and paper, start w/ her getting a job, then figure financial status? Or is she too far gone for that to even sink in? Check stealing (fraud) is a HUGE charge. If she is doing that... it's just a matter of time. Banks and police authority pick on up on that quick. Have you told her if this keeps up, you too will cut all ties? Maybe it's best you do for some time and that will help her- as strange as that sounds. You do not want to be her enabler... I would personally get some professional help for yourself. Do not let her drag you down as well.

[margypops]

A Sad story, maybe best for you to stay out of her life feeling as you do, getting her to take some therapy and get help maybe better than her going to jail.What do the other family members say, do the have the same feelings ?