Past abuse and emotional numbness

[autumneyes]

Hi,

I have been abused by 3 men in my life during high school. All of them were significantly older than me. Of the three, this has been the most scarring: when I was a young teenager I was primed into a "relationship" with a *********, and this continued on for 2 years. As a coping mechanism, I developed anorexia and I used to self injure myself often. I am 21 years old now, away from the abuse, I don't cut myself anymore and I have been in therapy for a few months to help my eating as well as to explore the underlying causes of my eating disorder.

When I talk about what happened to me, I recount the events as if it were a story, and am very emotionally disconnected from it. My therapist says this is normal at the beginning, and wonders that I may be letting out my emotional pain on the issue in other areas of my life that are easier for me to cope with, and therefore that I'm not directing those feelings at the appropriate situation, that being the abuse.

I was wondering if anyone else has been experiencing this kind of emotional displacement or numbness towards their experiences, and how they are dealing with it? I don't want to feel absolutely traumatized or like it happened yesterday, but I feel strange not really having any strong emotions about what happened... .

Thanks.

[joycekatherine]

I know this thread is a little old, but, just wanted to comment anyway...I think the fact that you have distanced yourself emotionally from the abuse is a good sign as long as you are not acting out in other ways, ie....not eating , cutting...etc.  I have found that the more you talk about the abuse, the more the abuse loses power over you...when it no longer has power there is no need to dwell on it and talk about it constantly...the first time I said the actual words to anyone I thought that I would die right then and there, now, many years later, I can say very matter of fact, I was sexually abused between the ages of 4-9 by 2 different family members and I can still breathe and smile afterwards...good luck to you, keep going to the doc and get it all off your chest and you will come thru to the other side smiling...

[autumneyes]

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your thoughts :)

[jo929]

I know of this one woman who was on this column last year and she was abused by 2 family members, and she said she just decided to put it behind her and go on with a new life, she now has grown children and it seems like you are doing fine, keep up the good work take over control of you life and be happy put the past behind you do not let the scum that did this win I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, but it sounds like you have it together  lots luck  jo

[margypops]

Do you have to go through a deep emotional response maybe it is differant for some people ,as you have accepted what happened to you perhaps in that acceptance you have been fortunate to move on or maybe one day you will have a response. You have a lot of insight into your own syche, you say you dont want to be haunted by it, you cannot undo what happened so if its called haunting so be it, dont ignore it, focus on it for a little while then put it away..

[autumneyes]

Hi Margypops, thanks for your comment. You're right... people do deal with trauma in different ways. Although I have cognitively accepted what's happened I don't really feel like I've gone through a deep, emotional response to the events. Maybe some people can just pick up and move on, I don't know... I don't want to be haunted by it, I suppose.

[margypops]

I am sorry this happened to you reading your thread it sounds as if you have had some good therapy and are healing, it is possible that the lack of being traumatised now ,is from the fact you  have accepted what happened to you,have determined not to let it affect the rest of your life, we all deal with Trauma differantly, some find it hard  to deal with ,can never accept what happened to them, you do sound as if in your case you dont dwell on the matter too often. Sometimes it is our thoughts that make us go back into the past and then we feel bad, we can not have a negative feeling with out first creating a negative thought.Now you just get on with your life , if you think about the terrible thing that happened to you, let it be for a few Mins then put it away. Good Luck ,you are doing pretty good.

[autumneyes]

Okay just for clarification purposes I didn't realize one of those words wold get blocked out... but here's another way of putting it; he was in his early 40s and I was a young teenager.