Life is defeating

[evergreen26]

I don't want to live anymore. Everyone bullies me, suicide attempts have failed, I don't want to hurt anyone else. I just don't want people to hurt me. I feel like everyone is against me, that life is against me. I am always suffering and I feel old and haggered from crying daily. I do have little pockets of happiness but it's not consistent. Life is just against me and everything is always going wrong because other people are so hateful towards me and ruin things. I try and try and try and it's never enough to win and I don't have any fight left in me. I used to be strong but years of this has destroyed my soul. I feel like a shell of a person and I am so depressed.

[Jinx_777]

and DO NOT let the a-holes win by taking your own life.  don't let them win.
there were 4 people who were going through the same bullying at my job at the same time.  i was there for 8 yrs, but some of these other people had been there over 20 yrs.  they all committed suicide.  they did not care one bit.  anyone who attended the funeral was put on the 'hit list'.
do NOT let them win.  get professional help, even if that means going to an area hospital and telling them that you are suicidal. they then have an obligation to help you.   that is what i did and it felt like a vacation away from my horrible life at the time.  i really did not want to leave there.  they will get you stabilized on medication and all day therapy.  
i would beg you to take that first step.  walk into a hospital that you know has a psychiatric unit and tell them you are suicidal.  please

[Jinx_777]

workplace bullying is SO HARD.  i went through it and it gave me a nervous breakdown.  i had other bad things going on in my life as well, but i have PTSD from the bullying i suffered.  when i reported it, the human resource person began to bully as well.  even wrote that 'you will have a meltdown in such a fashion we will have to terminate you.  we see you headed down that path in lightening speed'.  HORRIBLE.  i have dreams at least 3 times a week.  mostly that i am trying to sneak into work to try and do my job, or have dreams about still working there.  that was 7 yrs ago and still cannot even think about getting a job.
NO JOB is worth that.  
sounds like you have depression.  this kind of stress throws off your chemicals and hormones so bad that you NEED medication and therapy to even begin to get through it.
i really feel for you.  i too was a 'cutter'.  i have not done that in about 6yrs.
it really is NOT the answer, but i understand it.
please see a psychiatrist and begin to get help.  it will NOT just go away.
if you have facebook, there is a wonderful page on there called 'workplace bullying' or something like that.  it is nice to know you are NOT the only one and there are tons of resources and support on that page.
please take that step by contacting a psychiatrist.  if you have no  insurance you can go to a county clinic for free.  this will not go away on it's own.  

[Yesidid]

I am so glad you wrote back. I actually uderstand exactly how you feel.  Just one year ago I was in a very similar situation.  I actually felt like I had no reason to live and that things were too messed up to ever get better. The main difference between me and you is that I was the reason things were bad for me. I had messed them up myself by using drugs. I was never mean to other people but I hurt them with my drug use and I got into debt and I couldn't find a job. It was really bad and I thought that there was no way out. I understand what it's like to rather be dead than to go on living and I am so so so sorry that you feel like that right now. You did not mention any positive people in your life. Do you attend church or believe in God? Whether you do or not, I will pray for you. The world is not filled with bad people but bad people and evil do exist. Good will come your way, so I want you to be looking for it. Is there anyone near you now who you love and trust? If so, please talk to them about what is going on in your life. In the meantime, please keep posting here. As a person who has been in your situation, I care. I really do.

[evergreen26]

People at work bully me, I reported them and got no support at all, I have mental health issues and they bullied me because they saw my self harm scars even though I was recovered then and held my head high and worked hard. I apparently showed them up and my high spirits pissed people off so they thought they'd bully me to try and get rid of me. I did have some fight in me though and I went for a full time position. I came top in interview but got rejected because the boss was best friends with the bullies and decided that I couldnt have the job because people didn't like me enough. I was desperate for a chance to prove myself and for a stable income to pay off debts. Before this job when I was very poorly but I was stripped of my ESA benefits and too poorly to challenge it for a long while and so got into a lot of debt because I had no income. I relied on this not only for self esteem and pride but for money too in order to live, the 0 hour contract they gave me was not enough and I had been promised the job because I came top fair and square. I feel like that it should nto have been a popularity contest. I was bullied at school so throughout this time being bullied work was a nightmare and i ended up going off sick from relapsing and depression. I even went back after all that and tried to carry on in the job. It wasn't long before the bullies started up again though trying anything to get me into trouble and since the boss was on their side being best friends and all, it was a completely biased environment so everything was stacked against me. i tried to go higher but they said they couldnt help me. In previous jobs I've been bullied and even in one I was sexually harassed and my boss attempted to rape me. I am losing confidence in the human race. I had recently thought I'd gained freedom as a really amazing opportunity came up as I'd been really trying to get out of the horrid workplace I was in and find somewhere else, anywhere. The new place offered me qualifications and sponsership so long as I passed all the checks but recently I've been told the jobs no longer mine after months of waiting because my last place of work, even though i havent been there in months have decided to give me a really bad reference. I have to now go through the long drawn out process of aquiring the reference and seeking legal help because I never did anything wrong and go through the agony of feelng like they are winning, still bullying me and being spiteful when i never did one single thing to them. I'm a vulnerable adult so maybe an easy target. I just don't understand why I attract so much negative attention and hatefulness. I feel like I must have an invisible target on my head or something which says 'through knives in this direction' or something. I literally can't take anymore as I'm scraping a living with zero money, I have all this debt, I have no independence, no self esteem anymore, no pride, no one will give me a chance, I'm already going through the pain of reporting childhood abusers to the police and everyone seems to have a problem with me just because of stigma, I'm being punished when I've altready suffered enough. i didn't create these scars on purpose I've lived a life of torment and agony and all i want is to move forward and try to find some normality and happiness. I just dont understand why people have to be so cruel and spiteful. I'm told I am a very attractive lady and I have a degree so i am intelligent with potential so people tell me that these bullies are jealous but I still dont understand why that would make them act this way. I only ever try to be nice to people and friendly. I only ever try to be a good person and do a good job so I can get what i want in life and where I want to be. Now that the bullied have succeeded in ruining my career I now have no prospects, no future career, no ladder to climb, no job at all, no self esteem, no pride, no confidence, no faith in humanity, ill get into more debt and I feel like they are all happy and laughing at me. I feel like they may aswell have just pushed me off of a cliff, I dont even have a reliable reference for future jobs now because they gave me such a bad reference maliciously that I am now completely screwed. I just feel at my wits end and I am crying everyday. I feel like a total failure in life and I didn't want these bullies to win but I feel like they have now. I was stupid going to a work do with my partner holding my head high and boasting about my new amazing job and that I could leave because thats obviously not going to happen now they've made sure of it. I just feel so negative, the world seems so corrupt and full of hatred. I sometimes think that death is easier as why would i want to live in a world that is full of hatred when all I really want is love and happiness. It feels unobtainable and impossible to acomplish. I can't go on living in torment, I have enough of that inside my own head, i dont need it from everyone around me. I just dont know what to do, I wish I had the strength to fight but I feel like I'm already dead.

[Yesidid]

Hi Evergreen. The name you chose is beautiful. I am so sorry about your pain. I am praying for you this morning. Is there anyone near you who you trust to share your feelings with?  Please tell me more of your story.  Who is it that is bullying you? What sorts of things have gone wrong that make death better than living?