Serious problem...My son is being violent ..and husband indifferent....

My thirteen year old son has recently become violent towards me. Recently, he hit me several times with a roll of christmas paper, because he wanted me OFF his computer. When I left and went into my bedroom (because I know the scene that will follow) I heard screaming and wailing and then banging. I didnt know it at the time, but he had taken a pair of scissors and stabbed my bedroom door about 7 times. When I looked outside, I saw him in the hall with the scissors held up. I locked the door. The sad thing was....when my husband got home 10 minutes later...he said to me, "Why did you use his computer??? Why did you upset him?"  My son continued to wail and scream in anger. He had also torn down some of my christmas ornaments from the front door. Instead of my husband being firm with him that THIS TIME he was out of control, and he could not do that to his mother....my husband took him out, to visit relatives, and let him bring his computers. You know....to get him out of the house to get him to CALM down. My husband said "he hates you."

Several days later I finally brought the subject up to my husband....because, he was getting too upset to talk about it. He works on the tracks for the railroad and I didnt want to get him overly upset. I said, "This is very serious. I think that you should at a minimim make him buy spackle with his own money to fix the door....." and my husband said..."Yeah...." but then......"You know what....he hates your ******* guts, and doesnt want to live with you. Okay?? So, can we just try to deal with this as best we can, so we can get through it??" Well, I was shocked. My husband of 19 years and I have gone thru MUCH together and have always worked as a team. Lately tho, the past two years, they push me aside and make me feel like I'm intruding. My son also has OCD, and so my husband tends to not reprimand him for his behaviour, and instead, tries to reason with him. My husband is also very happy that they have a close relationship and I think is afraid of loosing that....but it would at the cost of ME.

Basically I have a thirteen year old running my home. As you can see, if I try to punish him, there will be serious repercussions towards ME. I tend to be stricter than my husband. My husband is a yeller, and tends to vascilate back and forth. I tend to me more steady. I dont take any b.s. and my son doesnt like that, obviously, and tends to call his father to complain about ME.

Isnt this sick???

My husband tends to talk to him like this...."I dont know why you are so mean to your mother....and you really shouldnt do that...and say that." I think my husband is acting like a 13 year old. I think he should swing the ax and protect me and make it clear that my son is not to disprespect me.

I know counseling is in order...at least for me...I know I cant force the two of them to "realize their errors". I am a christian woman, and dont want to leave. But I wonder....if things dont change, do you think this level of abuse would rise to the level which I would be stupid not to leave??

I think I am more hurt at my husband than my son. What is my husband teaching him?? Also, my husband has sided with him in the past...but never so....blatantly and disrepectfully towards me. Basically we have had a good marriage. He looks after me, makes sure I get my rest, makes sure the car is filled with gas and ok to drive and those types of things. But...I just cant cope with this. I feel so hurt and alone...and parents need to stick together, and he is just not getting that.

I was wondering if you could give me your thoughts, and advice...and tell me if any of you have experienced anything like this...where the husband sides with the child??? I am so hurt, so upset, and at my wits end. As a matter of fact, in 19 years of marriage, its the first time I have EVER confided anything at all...or any of this to my own mother.

Thanks for listening...

[margypops]

You realise I can see that there is a problem and my feeling is you need help for your son , it is not okay for him to hit you or yell the way he is doing it soundes as if he is picking it up from his father , this is abuse , I have to say that you are enabling it if you dont get tough. You stand up to a Bully you do not back down and go to your room allowing him to take control,it is in your hands to turn this around. Whats is he like at school, they do have counsellors there you may want to talk to, you need advice here , it wont get better ,he needs help , you all do ..Take back control seek help or leave them to it ....Good luck, be strong, I know its not easy but you have to do it ...

[margypops]

Speak firmly to your husband tell him you are not going to take it any more , and mean it .....

[veryCozy]

Well, the last time I tried to take control was about a month ago when my son refused to get off the computer. He also was cursing at me. I went to him and demanded he get off that very minute. When he didnt, I began to lift him away from the computer, and he began punching me. Then he fell down hysterical. My husband came in right after that and said, "He is not used to being physically touched....and he panicked and relatiated." He did tell my son that it was not right to hit anyone, especially his own mother. But yes, my husband does at times verbally abuse me and my son....and, after the recent incident with my son hitting me for the second time, I just knew if I stood up to him it would get worse. I guess I knew deep inside my husband wouldnt back me. Obviously, the thing with the scissors is really bad---beyond bad. And my husband doing nothing is even worse.

My son uses the F word towards me and tells me to leave and he is just horrible....if you combine that with his OCD problems, its hell. Its also hell for my husband too, because my son uses other tactics on him. My husband and I are both being hurt, I suppose. But I have always stood behind my husband when my son was defiant with him. I feel so let down. I cant believe my husband, who has always protected me, has retreated, and is being so cowardly.....the holes in my door are still there.

I feel like I am loosing my mind...I think at times I should let it go....then at times I know in my heart that it will get worse and I dont deserve it. I know all families have problems...but a mom should never be struck.

Do you think my husband is just giving up? Or, sometimes I wonder if he wants me to leave...and this is why he is allowing this to go on. It just isnt right, and I cant put my finger on it!!!

[specialmom]

I think Margypops has given good advice.  This is not normal behavior.  This a young man filled with rage and you are the target.  This is a young man that will grow into a dangerous human being if he is allowed to continue in this direction.  Everyone gets angry-----  and no matter what is involved with an individual be it psychological issues, developmental issues, even abuse------  they must learn to deal with their anger in appropriate ways.  Trying to stab your mother is . . . is not appropriate even capturing the extent of how wrong that is?  

Your husband may be siding with him because he is scared.  Your son may have deeper emotional issues than he would like to admit to.  Does your son see a psychiatrist for his ocd?  If so, make an appt pronto and talk to this doctor about the violence.  Perhaps he has some bipolar tendancies or borderline personality.  But the issue must be addressed or he will be a menace to society.

What will he do as an adult to his girlfriend if she doesn't do something he likes?  

Your husband and you don't need to swing the ax as you say-----  but rules need to be in place.  He is 13, a boy----  a vulnerable boy that needs guidance.  A rule about the computer could be that when mom says he has 5 minutes to wrap up on his computer-----  he wraps up.  If he doesn't----  he loses the computer for a day.  If he goes nutso----  he loses it for a week.  No yelling involved.  Rules that will be enforced.  

I also think that you and your husband may need to seek therapy as a couple as well.  You have many years left of problem solving for your boy and that seems to be an impasse for your relationship.  You need to get on the same page in order to be effective.  
Good luck!

[RockRose]

I thought at first that this must surely be your stepson - because in that case,  of a biodad and bioson not getting along with the stepmother,  your household situation is more common than not.  

But it appears this is actually an intact biological family.  

Your problem is not your son.  He is merely peripheral noise in this whole situation.

Your problem is that for some reason your husband hates you.  You state you have a good marriage,  but in fact,  when he says to you his son **** hates your guts and doesn't want to live with you,  he's speaking in fact for his own self and his own feelings about you,  and kind of using your son as a hand puppet.  

You need couples counseling that has to do only with your marriage,  and doesn't involve your son at this point,  to get to the root of why your husband hates you and doesn't want to live with you,  and only then will your son pick up on the better vibes.

Best wishes with this.

[jo929]

You are the mother he is the child, now who is the boss. when you tell him to do something and he does not do it see that he is punished take his computer and lock it up, and tell him when he learns to behave then he can have it back he is using the illness to control, and i beleive that both you and your husband need counseling, also i would not let my husband countermand the order you give the child just tell your husbamd to take a walk and cool off if he cant stand beside youI feel sure that he has had what he wants in life material things and toys take all of them away and strip the room and tell him that we are making a new start that his behavior will not be tolerated, and that as he does better he will get back one thing at a time,compliment him when he does good but ignore his bad behavior if possiblw but the main thing is you and your husband are making a cripple out of him by giving in even a mentally ill child can be taught he is just throwing tantrums to see how far he  can go, i would not take this from my husband and i would have a talk and tell him just how this child is going to turn out if he does not help you control hom yes Rock Rose is right you both need counseling, the child needs some good ole fashin diciline  luck  jo

[veryCozy]

Thank you all. I think you are all right, and yes, I think for some reason my husband resents me or hates me....or wants out of the relationship. I am starting to see that, and dealing with it. It would  be nice tho, if he would be a man, and not drag my son into this nonsense...and do his fatherly duties.

[veryCozy]

I need friends to talk to....I just know in my gut that he doesnt love me anymore.

[jo929]

we are always here if you need to talk, sometimes it helps to just talk it out  luck  jo

[specialmom]

I'm sorry.  You must feel very sad.  I so think a therapist would help you and maybe your husband will go to . . .

But make sure you stay on track with the acute situation which is your son's violence and rage.  I'm worried about that regardless if your husband is involved.  I would consider a psychiatric consult.  Just my opinion.

[veryCozy]

thanks all....I am really in shock. Physical shock. Crying. I spoke to my husband and I really dont think that he is love with me anymore. He basically told me so. So....that would explain all the odd behaviour. But yes, we all need counseling...especially my son.

[specialmom]

I am so sorry.  That is so hard to hear.  I had higher hopes for your husband than that.  I imagine you feel so devestated.  But I will tell you that your husband has done a terrible thing . . . by allowing his son to treat you that way-----  he has done some real damage.  I worry for your son because he has reached such a high level of anger and has acted on it physically torwards you.  Not everyone will go there, if you know what I mean.  It makes me wonder about his mental health and I'm talking about beyond ocd.  By not seeing that and allowing his own feelings to interfere in guiding his son-----  he has NOT done his job as father.  I wish you lots of luck as you figure this out.  You have to be safe, first.  Then your son's violence and rage have to be dealt with.  And then issues with your husband can be sorted out.  It would help if your husband were on board with that.  Good luck

[veryCozy]

Yeah, well, let's see if hubby will be on board. As it is right now, we have talked only about us. And I do feel that he is ambivalent about the marriage---vascilating, and all this is having an effect on my son. When I mentioned getting help for my son, my husband said, "Well, that is a different subject." Supposedly he is going to have my son fix the door, and speak with him on a serious level. I will have to see if that happens, and also bring up therapy for my son. I have this feeling like my husband is going to play it off like its not that big of a deal. But it is. And I have been brainwashed....for at least two years...my instincts have told my my husband should be stepping up, to avoid this anger with my son, towards me, and the cursing. And my instincts were right. Unfortunately, when I've talked to him in the past about all of this, he has blown it off. So....I am not hopeful, but I will try. I think that he wants ME to move out of the house. Thats what I think deep down inside. With the level of hate here, maybe I should. Then again---maybe I should kick him out.

[jo929]

remember it is hard for a parent to reall help their kin, that is why in the hosp they will not let a mother take care of their child right after surgery until they are in the bed because the parent may tend to think the nurses are a little rough sometimes it takes a stranger to deal with someone. and yes you both need to set boundries as to what he can do and cant do and make sure you both follow through with whatever you tell him, as a child will get confused if they can do anything they want and all children must have boundries and rules must be made remember when you were a child did mom and dad let you do whatever you wanted, this boy is out of control and may need outside help someone that is not so close and can be firm for awhile, i have worked with people most of my life and have seen it all, also never show fear, as they can tell when one is scared and they are more likly to hurt you if you run when i was at work and  things got tough i held my ground and they backed dowm and listened to what i said i have seen the workers show fear and the pt went after them so stand up to him and i am sorry about your husband being this way he has not helped, but harmed, and i would tell the therapist this it may come to the pont that he may need to stay in a facility untill they can learm him to control himself they can be taught and i know you want him to turn out to be a good and wonderful man, but as long as he acts like this there is no hope, that he will change if you think your husband does not care please do what is best for the child, maybe you and your husband can work this out but please do not back down on decisions you make regarding your son i know you love him and do not want to be unkind but sometimes we have to do that in order to help them, i have talked with lots of parents and they finally accepted that they had to be firm let him know you love him but do not give him everything he wants, if you do what will you have when he is grown  i mdo hope your family can work this out i am always here  luck  jo

[veryCozy]

Last night I just let go and laid in bed with a box of tissues and cried and cried and cried. Suprisingly, my husband came in to rub my back and to see what was wrong. About an hour later I was still crying and becoming hysterical. He came back and just sat with me. I wonder...is it guilt because he told me he doesnt feel the same about me? I think I cried for about 70 minutes at least. My husband held me and promised that we would work things out, and things would get better. He kissed my forehead. I guess its easy for him to be nice...if I am crying (and I rarely do.) I managed to tell him that he needs to step up as a father. I told him I feel betrayed. Maybe I said the wrong things and maybe I shouldnt have cried. Its pretty bad when you feel that your son and husband both hate your guts. In twenty years together, I have never cried like that. I feel discarded, useless. I know I have work to do in this life...but they have made me feel like I am nothing. My eyes hurt this morning and I'm weary. I've had too many shocks---too many kidney punches. I do have to say though, that my son is in a foul mood this morning, and my husband has been calling him from work and dealing with it, to get him in the shower and out the door to school.  He warned me ahead of time that my son went to bed late and is extremely cranky. I think he knows I simply dont care anymore. That kid should have been in bed at the right time. I have no control. This kid just doesnt listen. But my husband seems to be trying to shield me from it this morning. I dont know if that is a step in the right direction...but maybe it is....in his own way.

[jo929]

every little step you or your husband takes when you are kind to each other helps you did the right thing in telling him how you feel, maybe he ought to see some of the ans you get in this colum, but i would make it plain the boy needs a firm hand and how is one to know which way to go if they are not taught the right direction  i wish all of you the best maybe you could ask him if his parents would have let him act like your son does love can color the truth  jo

[jo929]

I hope that you are feeling better do not give up remember these tantrums did not happen overnight they have been building up for a long time and there is no one night cure, as i imagine he has had his way a long time, so hang in there and stick to having some boundries  luck  jo