My nine (9) year old son and his best friend (same age and gender), engaged in sexual experimentation one evening. It went way beyond what children of that age should know about. We're talking kisssing on the lips, to oral stimulation of eachothers penises, and simulation of intercourse from behind.
My son told me about the incident nearly a week after it happened because he was becoming more distressed and had a bad pain in his tummy. He told his dad fiirst and got his dad to tell me. We both we very supportive, and because I am a counsellor, I have been helping him resolve this on an emotional level every day. I told the other boys mother and she asked her son and he confirmed it. His mother said that they would have been engaging in this behaviour for less than 10 mins (from the time she left the room until she returned), but the advanced nature of these acts has left the same devastating affects as normal abuse. Both boys said they have viewed adult pornography on the net. Both feel very bad about what they engaged in. My son feels so ashamed of himself, fears is sexuality (concerned that he will now be classified as homosexual), and is working through a great deal of rage because his frined has said that it was all my sons idea.
His friend has a history of bad behaviour at school and home. He comes from a single parent home, spends weekends with his dad. His mother still smaks him and his critical and harsh. His father shares a house with many other guys, and the grandparents on his fathers side also smack him a lot. I am very concerned for this young boy and believe that he was in fact the instigator - as a result of exposure to pornography and/or being sexually abused himself. However, this is not my question...... My question is .......
Becuase they were the same age, it is not considered sexual abuse. However, I'm wondering what the impact of this single event is likely to be for my son. I work with adult victims of past child sex abuse, but now am working with my own son. He desperately wants me to help him as her fears the "embarassment of an outsider knowing. We do lots of sandplay therapy and drawing, breathing and expression of negative feeling, and meditation. My sons lets me know when he feels like he needs help and I am available. Every now and then I talk to him about the added benefits of seeing someone else for help but respect his ability to direct his healing. Mosly he is concerned that he will spend the rest of his life with the "image" of their action going through his mind and he says that frustrating to think it might never go away. Is there like to be lasting affects from one incidence of "same age" sexual encounter at age 9. What else can I be doing to support him. His father and I have always been very loving and supportive and this has continued. I have respected his wishes that he never see his friend again.
Looking for professional guidance please.
I was going to give you my input on this but I see you do state you want professional guidance, we have a Doctors Forum I would suggest you put your question on the child behavior forum , Mostly this Forum is input from the experiences of parents and Family members .
I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm not a professional, but when I was ten years old a boy my age tried it on with me, simalar circumstances as you described here. I don't even know myself if this were sexual abuse, but he definately knew what he was doing. I'm afraid to say he will have this in his mind for a good few years. I'm eighteen and it hasn't left me and kept me wondering.I think you're doing the best you can, I bottled it all up and never talked to anyone about this other then my mum and I didn't recieve any help.
I myself have had sexual experiences with someone my own age in the ages of 6-12.
I had only one friend cause i wasnt very popular, did not know how to say 'no' and i also thought it was not abuse cause it happened with another child my age. But it happened against my will even if i didn't say no. Now i take responsability for not saying no but i personally believe that whoever decides this is not abuse should research the matter more. If it's not abuse, why do i feel abused. Why i haven't been daring to feel abused for years is exactly because of this definition of when someone is abused or not. I have always felt i was making a bigger deal out of it than necessary in my mind. I never told anyone till i got married and i still struggle with feelings of guilt that whatever concernes me is not serious, not abuse, just drawing attention to myself. The 6 years of exposure to sex games with that friend (another girl my age) have also lead to another situation where i allowed a much younger child to touch me at his demand. I was 12 and he was 5. And this is probably the most hard to admit to anybody, but a younger child has initiated a sexual act of which i did not dare to say no either. And this has confused my mind cause was i the abuser now, or the other child, or neither of us? I know i was passive and didn't really go against this happening other than saying i didn't want it and a couple of times moving to the other side of the room, or taking off his hands from my chest, but in the end i didn't go out of the room and prevent this from happening, nor did i say no in a more effective way. because i wasn't used to say no before as well, with the friend. I would like to know if it's very likely that that girl my age who used me in her plays for 6 years, was not actually herself abused by someone close. I am remembering one time her mother walked in on us and i felt like now she was going to tell my parents and they will be angry with me for doing this. But this never came of it. The mother sighed deeply and gave a disapproving look at her daughter and left the room. No other word was ever spoken about it. I now think that many more children are victims in this way but can not be categorised as abuse. And i think that mentally it would help the healing process so much if somebody would finally recognise that this is abuse and we are somehow victims in these situations. Victims that did do something wrong probably, but weren't taught either and should learn how to recover.
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